Today I ran by Hobby Lobby and got her a pin wheel to place by her flowers. I hope she loves watching it spin. It's got pink with polka dots on it..So "Maddie like". I also brought her a zebra bow!
As I was driving to the cemetery I just keep thinking.... "This isn't right.. I should not have to drive to the cemetery to feel close to my daughter.."and it's NOT right!
The grass around her grave is growing perfectly... so good it needs to be cut now.
I sat and talked for a while. Then I left. I think leaving is almost as hard as going there. I don't want to "leave" my daughter there.. Ug it just hurts.
26 comments:
Hang in there Kellie. You are such a strong woman and your love and you husbands love for Maddie is so immense I'm sure she feels it no matter where you are! My nephew Dylan passed away suddenly and unexpectedly shortly before his 4th birthday and I know exactly how you feel when you say it's hard to go to her grave and hard to leave. It makes it all seem far to real. I feel near him most when in the songs he sang, the bible versus he would recite and the memories we made even though they bring tears to my eyes they also bring joy into my heart! Please know you and your family are in my prayers!
Kelli, I've been reading your blog for quite a few months now and your story has touched my heart. You're so right. It isn't *right* to have to visit her there. I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for you and I'm praying for continued peace and healing for you.
Oh bless your heart...you're right. No one should have to talk to their child in a place like that. I'm so glad you can look on her life though and see how many people she touched and how many people you have made aware about SIDS through this. I'm sure she loves the pinwheel and the bow, I bet she is waiting for the day she sees you again so she can really wear a bow made by her momma! I am positive that she is very proud of her mommy and daddy...what a sweet day when you get to see and snuggle her again! Praying for you :-)
I want you to know that although I don't comment all the time, I keep reading your blog and I keep praying. I rejoice in your good times and cry in your bad times. I am glad God brought me to your blog so that I could be another person to go before His throne for you.
i love every post you write! I have a 10 month old daughter and the road has been rough I feel like the messageyou send issoo important to moms who have lost children or not it makes me not take onesecond for granted and reading your post make me a better mom as hard as this maybe be to hear you are making such an awful tragety( and something no mom should ever expierance) in tosomething so good for all moms to hear I hope it helps to hear these things!
You are so strong!
My heart breaks for you and James. I am so so sorry you have to leave her there too, I can't begin to imagine what that feels like. I have to believe that she is always near you in some way, loving you and knowing how much you and James love her. Strength and peace to you both. <3
I have been keeping up with your blog and I want you to know that I am praying for you tonight.
Kellie reading this post breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. I feel as you go through your stages of grief...us..all of your readers...feel what you feel. When you are happy...we are smiling...when you are sad...we are crying. When you are feeling Maddie beside you...we feel positive. When you miss Maddie...our heart breaks for you...and for that precious girl who was taken too soon. I often look at her face and just cry. So innocent...so sweet. Not a day goes by that I dont look at my daughter, Aida, and think of Maddie. My heart breaks with you today, Kellie. All of my love always. -Courtney
I'm so sorry! Going to the cemetery is so hard. I still lose it every time I visit Hunter's grave...and it's been 4 years since SIDS stole him from us. It does get easier, though it will never be easy.
Praying for you!
Just wanted to tell you that I'm in India this summer & my friends who live here have a 2 year old named Maddie. The other day she was wearing a lady bug swimsuit and it made me think of you and pray for you.
Praying for you and James! I do hope that one day you can think back on only the happy memories and feel peace with the world!! You are a wonderful mommy, God mustve really needed another angel!!!
Visit her. It's ok that it doesn't feel natural--it isn't. She should be home with you...and in a way that is not always clear, she IS home with you. She is always with you. She WILL always be with you. If you have to go there to feel close to her--then go. :) Feel unjudged by anyone.
My heart goes out to you. My niece (my sister is an angel mommy) has the most beautiful grave and my sister planted a beautiful memorial garden that blooms each Spring.
Peace.
:*( I am so sorry you have to go through that. I can't even imagine. My heart and prayers go out to you<3
You're right, it isn't fair! I'm sorry you have to go through this. Maddie knows how much you and James love her!!! She will always be in your heart and I know you and James will make sure her future siblings know all about her! You are both so amazing!
Kellie,
You are really really strong. You already know this, but maybe it will make the drive easier next time. Remember....you are not alone. There are other angel mommies maybe driving and feeling those same feelings at the same time. (unfortunately) say to yourself, We can do this because we have to do this...even though its not right.
I was thinking and hoping maybe it will bring some positive thoughts your way. I read your post about SIDS, possibly hereditary...BUT if it truely is, then changing environmental factors like turning on fans, giving babies paci's, removing bumpers, no pillows...and such the numbers would have not noticably dropped each year. Right? I don't know.....just my thoughts. : ) sending hugs to you and james.
You are so strong. I know you may not feel it but you are. I know someone, a family friend, who lost her daughter very young... 5 months or around there. She would be the same age as my sister(24) now if she were still alive. I lost my mom almost a year ago and on the bad days I just feel like its getting harder, but then I look around and I realize I'm still moving along so I must be doing something right. When we went to put flowers on my mom's grave last year I passed the grave of that little girl.. its so bare, just one little angel and one flower. I placed a daisy on the stone, I was pregnant and couldn't help but cry. I know It's hard but I believe Maddie is trying to give you strength in her own way. I'm sure she loves everything you do for her. Keep your head up, your angel is watching over you.
"Lord make me a rainbow,
I'll shine down on my mother,
She'll know I'm safe with You
When she stands under my colors."
<3 to you and James
Kellie,
You are so incredibly strong, I follow your blog and think of Maddie nearly every day, she has touched my heart! I am continuing to pray for you and James.
Hugs to you! :)
I read often but comment rarely but this post really touched me. I just had to tell you again how you, your husband, and your sweet Maddie are always in my prayers.
I'm so sorry Kellie. I keep you in my prayers.
I can't agree more... Its been over 3 years since we lost our first daughter and I'm just now strating to be able to visit easily... No thats not the right word... It will never be easy... I'm just now able to go and look at it and feel the need to be there.. I avoided it with heavy guilt for a very long time... Your always in my thoughts...
I am in tears for you. I am in the same boat about the cemetery, except I just can't go. Ive been 4 times I think....in 6 months. All with family/friends and not by my choice. I can't even open the door to Tristan's room. I miss my little boy so much...I feel so unconnected to him and it hurts but I am so scared and I can't really pin point why...
My 3 year old daughter has the same pinwheel from Hobby Lobby. Now every time I look at it, I'll think of you and your precious Maddie.
i am sure maddie is loving her new pin wheel. hopefully someday you can make those trips a little easier, it will never be right but maybe a bit easier. you are always in my prayers
shel xx
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