Maddie

Dear Maddie,

    I love you so much. I miss you so much. I hope you dont feel like daddy and I are forgetting about you. I talk to Jackson everyday about you. I usually cry every time I tell him about you. It hurts my heart that he will never really "know" you. My heart is still so broken but so full. It's such a strange feeling baby. I miss you so much. I wish you were here to play with Jackson and give him kisses.

   You will always be a part of our family. We will always include you and we will never ever forget you. You will always be my first baby and always be Jackson's big sister. He will know about you.

  I know you picked out Jackson just for daddy and I. He is such a good baby. There are many things he does that reminds us of you. He sticks out his lips just like you did and when he stretches he looks just like you.

 I am trying to hold it together. I'm trying really hard, but sometimes I just can't. Keep holding me tight Maddiegirl.

  Thanks for watching over us. Daddy and I are still so nervous about Jackson's monitor going off. When I get scared, I talk to you. I hope you can hear me. It really helps calm me down and makes me feel better. Daddy is going back to work soon, so Jackson and I will be talking to you a lot. Keep listening baby girl.

I talk to Jackson so much about you that I bet you are wondering when we are going to take him to see your spot. We will soon baby...very soon!

Keep watching over us. We love you so much!

Love always,
Mommy 

Maddie

Maddie, today is mommies birthday and all I want is you back.. but I know that's not possible. So, today mommie asked her friends to give her the 2nd best gift I could receive...to remember you!

You are our Princess who got her wings way too soon!

Oh Maddiebug I miss you so much!!!

I miss your hands..



I miss your smile..



I miss your toes..


I miss your eyes..


I miss everything about you!




One day we will be together again forever. Until then I will live my live beacuse you Maddie made me the woman I am today. I love you!!!

12 weeks

I was on maternity leave for 12 weeks…I enjoyed my dream job (a stay at home mom) for 12 weeks. It was awesome! I loved every minute of it. I wish I could go back to those 12 weeks. Maddie and I enjoyed many lunch dates with friends, time alone, hugs, kisses, snuggles,walks in the park and lots of play time! Those were the days….

Sadly today Maddie has been gone for 12 weeks.

It seems like just yesterday James and I were playing with her in her bouncy chair in her room. But in reality it was a long time ago..12 weeks is really 3 months

My heart is heavy today. My heart hurts today.

I still cant believe this in our life..that Maddie is really gone. Is this is real. I still HATE this new life ,but I am learning to live with this pain…which is something no mother should have to do…. live with a hole in her heart.

But today 12 weeks later I can say with all the support I have been so graciously give I am another day stronger. I am here. I got out of bed this morning, and I am keeping Maddie's memory alive!

I love you Maddie. I hope you are having fun today with AnnaKathryn, Macie, and Tyler. Give them all hugs and kisses for me.

A lifetime of love

Today as I sit at my desk and look at this collage of Maddie. I KNOW she got a lifetime of love in 4 short months. We have so many great memories with our Maddiebug.

Don't get me wrong, James and I would do ANYTHING just to see our Maddie again...but I feel like we did a lot with her in4 months. I also took so many pictures. Michelle and I were joking about being a "momarazzi". I took pictures all the time....and I am sooooooo glad I did!!! Our next child is going to think I am insane. I will take at least one picture a day. I am sure I will take more then just 1 a day, but this is my goal. I challenge you to this. Try to take one picture a day. Trust me you will look back one day and thank me! :)

It's getting closer to Thursday and I am getting nervous. I just don't want this day to come. I'm trying to be as positive as I can. I want this to be a happy day. So, on Thursday I am going to wear pink and try to put a smile on my face. I want to remember our Princess and be happy.

A baby Maddiebug

Today James and I took Maddie's Easter basket to her grave. I wanted her to have it before Easter. I know that things do not do "well" in the weather, but how could I not of bought her an Easter bunny and basket? It is her first Easter. I bought it the other day at Hobby Lobby, the day I had a break down. I really liked the bunny and I am sure Maddie does too.

It still hurts going to her grave. I cry every time. It still feels like she is just at my moms house and we can go pick her up anytime, but that's not true. I think this is so hard because her death was very unexpected. Maddie was so happy the last morning I dropped her off at the babysitters house. I wish I would of kissed her more and told her I loved her a few more times. But, I know she knows…I tell her that a million times a day.

They put a temporary marker on her grave. When I saw it I gasped. This means it's real. I hate seeing her death date. I hate even saying those words. But, I'm glad there is a marker there. Maddie deserves that.

The last time I saw a lady bug was on the playground when Maddie came to visit (a few weeks ago). Well we saw one today, on Maddie's flowers. I bent down to fix them and this is what I saw.... a baby Maddiebug! It was so little and cute. My tears stopped for a minute and I smiled. Maddie knows just when to show up, right when we need her!
This Thursday is going to be VERY hard..It is Maddie's 6 month birthday. Please pray extra hard for us that day.