Mason's Cause

Have you seen Mason's Cause in my side bar?

What is Mason's Cause??

Infant Loss Support: One Place. Endless Hope.

Information. Resources. Grants. Research. Community.

Infant loss is every parents worst nightmare. When my husband and I had to live the nightmare ourselves, I realized that things needed to change. All of the information that a grieving parent needs should be easily found in one place. But it wasn’t. I realized after losing my son, that providing that information to other parents was his life purpose, and now it is mine.

The purpose of Mason’s Cause Inc is to provide support, resources and information to families who have suffered through the tragedy of infant loss, and (more importantly) making this information available in ONE place. For our organization, we define “infant loss” as ANY loss under the age of 18 months (including stillbirth, neonatal death, premature birth ending in a loss, miscarriage, etc). Mason’s Cause is also working hard to provide Bereavement Grants to families who have lost a child and cannot afford to pay for funeral expenses. Mason’s Cause aspires to team up with a local hospital or team of physicians interested in SIDS and assist in funding SIDS Research locally. Mason’s Cause also provides a forum/discussion board on facebook. This is where parents can tell their story online and find a sense of community with other families who have experienced similar tragedy; in hopes of creating a supportive place where families can move forward, together.

Our hope is that will never need our services. However, current data shows that Infant Mortality takes approximately 78 infant lives per day in the United States alone. With statistics like that, chances are you will need services like ours at some point, whether for yourself, for a family member or a friend.

Now you have a place to go if you ever need us.

-Kari & The Mason’s Cause Team

WOW! This is something that would of been REALLY helpful when we were going through all the planning! I know Kari (through Facebook) and she is such an inspirational person! Please go over to their Facebook page and like them.

Kari and the Mason's Cause team is holding an auction to raise money for their grants. The bereavement grant program helps families pay for the explicit costs associated with the funeral and burial or cremation. I have donated a bow and I would love for ya'll to go bid! The auction opens August 5th on their Facebook page.

No video Blog..Random Post

Today I didn't do a video blog because I was at school all day setting up my classroom. I may do two next week. My classroom is looking good. Lots and lots of polka dots!!

James and I are going to meet up with some friends tomorrow and go on a mini vacation for a day. I am excited. What girl would not want another mini vaca? And I am getting a massage!!!! Talking about exciting!

Not much else going on I have made 16 bows, 4 sets of blocks and some flip flops for my craft show. So, Ive been pretty busy. I want to get all my craft show items finished before school starts.


I have been searching etsy for a ring that I can have made with Maddies name. I think I found one I really like.
I found it here.

I think I like it but I would just get her name and a heart no dates. Seeing dates make me sad now. It just reminds me that life can end and I hate it! What do you think?

Well Happy weekend!

Anger!

2 nights ago it hit me.. the grief tornado. It comes when you least expect it.

I was MAD! I just wanted Maddie back. I sat in Maddie's room and cried for about an hour praying God would just give her back to me.

These tornado's hurt. They always seem to come when you feel like you are starting to move along in your grief journey then BAM! It hits. They take days to recover from .

So here I am starting to pick up the pieces from my tornado. Luckily last night I had my support group ladies to lean on.


In group we were talking about anger. I always feel like they are great at pin pointing my feelings for that week. So it was a perfect topic!!!

They gave us this poem and I could not of written it better myself.

"Anger"


Don't tell me that you understand,

Don't tell me that you know.

Don't tell me that I will survive,

How I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test,

That I am truly blessed,

That I am chosen for this task,

Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers

That can only come from me,

Don't tell me how my grief will pass

That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgement

Of the bonds I must untie,

Don't tell me how to suffer,

And don't tell me how to cry.

My life is filled with selfishness,

My pain is all I see,

But I need you, I need your love,

Unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs,

I need someone to share,

Just hold my hand and let me cry,

And say, "My friend, I care."

Poem by Joanette Hendel

Telling me (or someone who is going through a loss) that you care and REALLY showing that is the best thing you can do.

School and Recipe Sharing

It's coming quick...

.............Going back to school that is.

I went back up to school yesterday just to look at my new classroom. I stood in the middle of it thinking about how this year has to be different from last year. I thought about Maddie, my kiddos from last year, and I thought about my new kiddos.

I am determined to make this school year a great one. I have a new classroom and great attitude..so bring on the kids! :)

Every summer right before school starts I cook up a bunch of meals and freeze them. Why? After a LONG day at work with my kiddos I am EXHAUSTED and don't want to cook. So, I am about to get out my good freezer recipes and start cooking. James and I are still trying to get healthy so I am looking for healthy recipes. Any one want to share?

Monday quick blog

We didn't end up going to see Maddie's marker. James had to work pretty much all weekend. I want to wait and go with him. So, maybe we can go one day this week. I want to see it but I am so nervous. It's just makes it all SO final!

My grandparents anniversary party was fun. It was on a boat and for a while I thought I was going to get sea sick. The water calmed down and I was just fine. We had a blast!

Today I started eating healthy again. James and I are eating My Fit Foods. It's a place that sells packaged meals that are healthy. I enjoy them and its easy! Well today James and I hit the gym. I have not seen then inside of that place since February of last year. We just got back and I am already sore. I probably wont be able to walk tomorrow!! Hopefully I can get back into shape and loose some weight!

Please think about our dear friends Lisa and Chris today. Their daughter Macie has been in heaven for 6 months now. It hurts my heart that I am in this horrible club with them, but I am so glad I met such sweet people. They were one of the first ones to reach out to us after Maddie got her wings.

Friday Video Blog

Yesterday was my 500th post! Wow..That's a lot!!! Sorry about my phone going off. James says it never stops ;)

Happy Friday!

Cheeseburger Macaroni

I made this last night and it was soooo yummy!

Cheeseburger Macaroni

1 lb lean hamburger meat
1 pkg taco seasoning
1 can Rotel tomatoes and green chilies (or petite diced tomatoes)
2 cups beef broth (or water)
1 cup elbow macaroni

Brown and drain hamburger meat. Stir in taco seasoning, Rotel, beef broth, and macaroni. Heat to boiling. Reduce heat and cover pan. Simmer 12-14 mins until macaroni is tender.

Meanwhile, make the cheese sauce….

2 Tablespoons butter
2 tbsp flour
3/4 cup milk
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper

Melt the butter in a saucepan. Whisk in the flour and cook, whisking for 5 minutes until fragrant and light brown in color. Whisk in the milk and bring to a boil. Whisk until smooth and thickened. Remove from heat and stir in the shredded cheddar cheese until melted. Add the salt and pepper to the cheese sauce. Pour the cheese sauce over the hamburger mixture. Stir gently to combine.

Serves 4.

Read More

The question..

Today I was at the nail salon and I got asked the dreaded question..."So how many kids do you have?"

Tear...Swallow..Breathe..Just answer..

This is such a hard question for a mommy of an angel. Of course I want to tell her I am a mommy of a beautiful baby girl. But I just dont want to be asked the dreaded next question.."So how old is she?". Ugggg.

I wanted to run away right then and there. The lady was doing my nails or I just might of.

Maddie will always be 4 months old to me. Even if she is growing up in heaven I will always think of her as a baby.

Luckily she didn't ask me. But I still wanted to run and hide. I don't mind sharing Maddie's story. I love my daughter and I am so proud of her but totally falling apart in a nail salon is it really worth telling that lady about Maddie being in heaven? I guess I am not far enough in my grieving process to answer that question in any other way then with tears. One day I will be there..one day.

I did get the Shellac nail polish and I love it! I'll show y'all in my Friday video blog.

5 months

Last Sunday marked 5 months. I cant believe it. Maddie has now been gone for 5 months and 2 days. It feels like it has been an eternity since I have held her in my arms.

Sunday was the day James and I celebrated our anniversary so I tried not to think about Maddie's angelversery. As time go on I think I miss Maddie more and more.

There is so much to miss. Her smile, her laugh, her eyes, her chubby cheeks. I also keep remembering what we are going to miss out on...birthday parties, preschool, kindergarten, ballet, cheer leading, driving, high school, boyfriends, homecoming, prom, college, her wedding. It hurts. Some days I wonder how I even get out of bed. Some days I really don't want to, but I do. I actually woke up this morning and thought.."I can do this... It's going to be a good day". That is a nice change!

You know what has really scared me after all this happened? People sleeping. No matter if its an infant or an adult. I stay up some nights just watching James sleep. I will shake him if he is not snoring. It scares me. I remember last year a little girl feel asleep in my class and I panicked. I thought something was wrong with her. I tried to wake her up and she did not move. I had to get my teacher partner to wake her up. I can only imagine how scared I will be with our next child.

2 years!

2 year ago today I married my best friend. We were both so in love and so excited to start our new lives together.

We had so much fun on our wedding day. I always tell James I want to get married to him again!!











Little did we know just a few moths later our "perfect" world would be turned upside down. But you know what? We have stuck together for better and for worse. This is the man I will be with for the rest of my life through sickness and in health. I am so lucky!

I love you babe. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you!
Happy 2 year anniversary!

The Best Chocolate Cake Ever

I made this cake and let me say ....YUMMMMY!!!! You HAVE to make this. It was SO super easy!!!

The Best Chocolate Cake Ever

1 box devil’s food cake mix
1 small pkg Jello instant chocolate pudding mix
1 cup sour cream
1 cup vegetable oil
4 eggs, beaten
1/2 cup milk
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups mini chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. In a very large bowl, mix together everything except chocolate chips. Batter will be thick. Stir in the chocolate chips. Pour batter into cake pan of choice (I normally use two 9-inch pie pans). For cooking time, I use the cooking times on the back of the devil’s food cake box as a guide and usually add 10 mins to whatever it says. Then I do the toothpick check, and if it’s not done, I check on it every 5 mins after that. It usually takes around 45 mins for two, 9-inch pie pans.

Buttercream Frosting (I made this frosting and mine didn't turn out so well...)

1 cup shortening (Crisco)
4 cups powdered sugar
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/3 cup heavy whipping cream

In a mixing bowl, cream shortening until fluffy. Add sugar and continue creaming until well blended. Add salt, vanilla, and whipping cream. Blend on low speed until moistened. Beat at high speed until frosting is fluffy.

Read More


Hope ya'll are having a great weekend!!!

Video Blog

Sorry this is so late..I was so busy today!

Hope ya'll have a great weekend!! James and I will be celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary!!!!

9 months

Today I should be taking a picture of Maddie smiling with a huge bow in her hair holding (no-eating) a 9 month old sign, but instead I am going to the cemetery.

Today snuck up on me like a ton of bricks. I knew it was coming but yesterday it became real. Maddie should be 9 months old today. Also in this same week Maddie's is Maddie's angelversary and James and I's 2nd wedding anniversary. So I have been an emotional wreck. The 14th and the 17th of every month kill me..they just hurt so bad.

This summer I was going to start planning Maddi'es 1st birthday. Well that was the plan at least until my whole world changed. Now, I sit here and think how do I plan her 1st birthday? What do we do? We can't celebrate without her. Some of the ladies at my support groups said they did balloon releases and we could do something like that but it's just not the same without her.

I so desperately want to read about what she should be doing but why? So I can hurt more? I just cant do it. I know it will make me miss her so much more (if that's even possible).

So, today is "Maddie Day". I am trying very hard to put a smile on my face but in all honesty its going to be hard.

Maddie we miss you so much!

Mattress Wrapping

The more I read about mattress wrapping the more I feel like I need to share this info!

I know I have posted some of this before so please re-read it all!

Mattress-wrapping for SIDS prevention, which has been publicized in New Zealand since 1994, has been 100% successful. Approximately 740 crib deaths occurred in New Zealand during the years 1995 to 2005 inclusive, but there has been no reported SIDS death among the very large number of babies who have slept on mattresses wrapped to the Cot Life 2000 specifications.

What is Mattress Wrapping?

Mattress Wrapping

Mattress wrapping is based on the toxic gas theory. The theory states that toxic nerve gases permeate from all used mattresses: crib, bassinet, adult mattresses and even sofa cushions. The gases are created when fungus grows inside the mattress (or foam) and eats certain elements in the mattress, including phosphorus, arsenic, and antimony. Babies, especially those sleeping on their stomachs, breathe in the toxic nerve gases, which results in crib death, or SIDS.

Mattress wrapping, which is essentially wrapping the mattress in a polyethylene cover, prevents the gases from getting into the baby's breathing space. The polyethylene sheeting does not allow the gases to permeate, thereby preventing inhalation and subsequently preventing crib death.

How can you wrap your mattress?

BabeSafe mattress covers

BabeSafe Mattress Covers

BabeSafe mattress covers are growing in popularity, and for good reason. For over 13 years of use, babies sleeping on mattresses wrapped in BabeSafe mattress covers have NOT ONCE died from crib death, also known as SIDS. This history and success of the covers helps prove the toxic gas theory for crib death, which states that toxic nerve gases are the cause of SIDS.

The good thing about these cover are they are fairy cheap!

You can buy them for the bassinet, pack n-play, and cribs.

Here are some other frequently asked questions about mattress wrapping:

• Are organic cotton, wool, or rubber mattresses safe enough?

In a word, no. ALL mattresses should be wrapped with a BabeSafe mattress cover. Mattresses cannot be certified to be free from phosphorus, arsenic, and antimony, and these alternative mattresses are simply more expensive with no additional guarantee to prevent toxic gases.

• What should my baby wear to sleep?

You should dress your baby according to the temperature. If it is cold outside, the babies room should not be heated above 65 degrees. Bundle your baby in enough layers for him to sleep comfortably, and swaddle your baby if he prefers it, with a cotton blanket. While polyester blankets are not to be used, diapers or sleepers made of polyester fabric are safe to use. This is because these items are laundered after use, preventing the build up of fungus. During warmer months, dress your baby lightly. If she prefers swaddling, wrap her with a cotton knit blanket over a diaper.

• Do I have to use organic cotton, or is regular cotton okay?

For SIDS prevention it is NOT necessary to use organic cotton. Launder all baby bedding well, before use. Organic cotton is nice to use for other environmental reasons, but do not stress over this if it is out of your budget. Your baby's bedding should be 100% cotton, including blanket (we use flannel) and underblanket (the fabric that goes between mattress cover and fitted sheet). We used a regular cotton bath towel for our underblanket and it worked wonderfully. Also remember to wash all of your baby's clothes before use. This may sound weird, but you would not believe the number of people who put unwashed, brand new clothing on their newborns. If this is you, please wash the clothes first! New fabric has chemicals on it like formaldehyde.

• How do I know that the sheeting used for the mattress cover is safe?

After 15 years of use, the mattress cover has proven it's safety and effectiveness. You may be learning of this information for the first time, and perhaps it's difficult to grasp that others have been practicing mattress wrapping for over a decade. Not only is the "plastic" sheeting completely safe, it is MUCH safer than unwrapped mattresses.

• If this has been around so long, why I am I just now hearing about it?

There are a number of reasons, but I will try to explain two. First, fire retardants were added to mattresses because government regulations required them. The elements used as fire retardants are the same elements that the fungus consumes, generating the toxic nerve gas. If our government, or any other government for that matter, were to admit that toxic gases were the cause of crib death, it opens up a can of worms that they are not willing to open up. In the UK, these elements were quietly removed from the manufacturing process and I would not be surprised to see the same thing happening in the US. Second, oddly enough, are the SIDS organizations themselves. SIDS organizations not only receive donations from parents of SIDS babies, they also receive federal funding for SIDS research. In order to keep the funds coming, and the "mystery" of SIDS on-going, it is in their best interest to ignore or attempt to nullify the toxic gas theory.

There are doctors out there who know about, support, and explain the toxic gas theory to new moms. But the numbers need to increase greatly if we are going to eradicate SIDS completely. If your doctor does not know about the toxic gas theory, please send us his/her mailing address and we will send information as soon as possible. We especially need to reach doctors in lower socioeconomic areas and African-American communities since the crib death rates are higher for these groups.

One other reason I want to mention briefly is the stigma of parents discussing the toxic gas theory with other parents who laugh at them. Many parents buy the mattress cover "just in case," without really putting themselves out there because of the embarrassment they might face. So generally, word doesn't spread fast. Since doctors are not educated about it, SIDS organizations are suppressing it, and the AAP ignores it, why would parents want to stand up to other uneducated parents who will make a mockery out of them? We will gladly send information to your friends and family (anonymously, of course) if you provide us with their mailing addresses and names. For those of you bold enough to help your friends understand the toxic gas theory, we appreciate your efforts!

• Is co-sleeping safer than crib sleeping?

Absolutely not. The same elements in babies' mattresses are also found in adult mattresses. Bed sharing poses an additional risk of overlaying, smothering, suffocation, and entrapment. We recommend using a bassinet with a wrapped mattress next to your adult bed.

• Is there anything else I need to know to keep my baby healthy?

There are other steps you can take, outside of wrapping your baby's mattress in a BabeSafe mattress cover. For instance:

1. Don't use fabric softener

2. Make your own cleaning supplies from baking soda, vinegar, and essential oils

3. Do not use bleach

4. Do not smoke

5. Breastfeed, and take your vitamins

6. Use an air purifier in your baby's room (We recommend Airwise)

7. Do not use plug-in air fresheners

8. Allow your baby plenty of fresh air when possible

9. Get informed on vaccinations, and avoid thimerosal

10. Whenever possible, avoid carpet in your home

I don't know about ya'll but this is enough info for me. Our next babies bed will be wrapped!!!!

Snakes, Shopping and More

My mom and I usually go shopping a lot in the summer. What else is there to do? :)

Today we went to Sam Moon. If you live in Houston its a MUST! They have super cheap jewelry ,purses and accessories. Look what all I got...


It's funny now that I'm looking at my picture. I must REALLY like animal print and black and white. :)


We have been having a problem with some birds sitting on our porch light and pooping everywhere. GROSS right? James and I have tried everything to get them to go away but nothing has worked. My mom suggested buying a plastic snake to scare them off. Well, I looked EVERYWHERE for a plastic snake but no luck. My mom actually found us one at the zoo. So I hung it up and guess what? The birds LEFT!! Our light looks a little silly.. but it's working (so far).


I think I am going to do another video blog on Friday. Maybe Friday can be my video blog day.



I also ordered a new mascara today... I am so tired of trying different mascaras and not liking any of them.
Katie over at Loves of Life recommended Mary Kay's Lash Love so I thought I would give it a try. Ill let y'all know what I think.

Maddie's Tree

Remember Maddie's tree?

Well it's a growing.. Her daddy has been taking great care of it.

Today he dug up the grass around it and added black mulch. We are going to add some nice rocks around it next weekend after we get our grass mowed. It's crazy high.

Her sign is kinda faded from this Texas heat. I am thinking of ordering a new one.

I can't wait until it starts blooming the pretty pinkish purple flowers. It is going to be GORGEOUS!

James and I had a great weekend. We relaxed and just hung out. On Sunday we watched my FAVORITE show EVER...BIG BROTHER!!! I am totally addicted. I get VERY excited around here when it comes on. :) My favorite players are Jeff and Jordan how can you not love them? I hope they win (again!).

I hope everyone has a great week!

I had a few comments asking James blog address.. Here it is...

Video Blog

James and I decided to do a video blog. We were acting kinda silly before this..Hope y'all don't laugh to much! :)

Wow..

Over the past few days a mysterious person has been making comments on my blog trying to bring me down. She claims that she has also lost a child (which I don't believe). Let me just tell you it isn't working. She says I should stop saying life isn't fair and just have another baby to replace Madison. Well if this"person" had truly lost a child they would know that just having another baby will NEVER replace Madison. Yes, I would love to be a mommy to a precious baby on Earth but the time is just not right yet.
So, instead of being mad it just makes me happy. Do you know why? Because I am living my life. I am not hating others for the situation I am in. Yes, it does suck and I have every right to say that. But I am trying to keep on going. I put a smile on my face and I go out into this world with dignity and pride because I am Maddie's mom. I had 4 amazing months with the most beautiful angel, and I am proud to call her my daughter.

Homemade Ice Cream without a Machine (UPDATED!!)

I was searching through a recipe blog the other day and found a recipe for

Homemade Ice Cream without a Machine

YES PLEASE!!!

So, I made it today. I tasted it before I stuck it in the freezer and its yummmmmy. It was so EASY and could be switched up in in instant.

Here is the recipe:
Cinnamon Bun Ice Cream

2 cups heavy cream
1 (14 oz.) Eagle Brand® Sweetened Condensed Milk
3 tablespoons butter, melted
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Whip heavy cream to stiff peaks in large bowl. Whisk sweetened condensed milk, butter, cinnamon, and vanilla in large bowl. Mix well. Fold in whipped cream.

Pour into a 2-quart container and cover. Freeze 6 hours or until firm. Store in freezer.

Read More here

**UPDATE**
I made the ice cream and we were so exited to try it I didnt let it get all the way frozen! It tasted good but had a WEIRD consistency. I am going to try it again with a different flavor and see if that changes anything.

I really don't have any words...

but....

NOT GUILTY.... REALLY??????????????

Casey Anthony is free on the streets!! :(

How is this fair?? She killed her little girl!!!!! It make is physically sick.

I would do ANYTHING to have my Maddie back...How can a mom physically harm her child? I just don't understand...

At least Caylee was set free from that witch.. She is dancing with Maddie in heaven.

Bounce girls bounce.... high on those clouds! Have lots of fun. I am thinking of you both!

Backwards

I feel like I am going backwards in my grieving process. I guess maybe it's because its a Holiday weekend. I don't know but I can't seem to handle the fact Maddie is REALLY gone lately.

It's forth of July weekend. I should be dressing Maddie up in her new red, white and blue outfit and trying to make a bow to match ( I was REALLY bad at making bows before!). We should be swimming with an excited 8.5 month old baby girl. Feeding her baby food and listening to her laugh. But instead James and I are sad..devastated...and alone in a quiet house...with nothing to do and no where to go. We feel trapped.

I feel like the world is moving around us but we are stuck on pause. How can we get out of pause? That I don't know. We are still doing the best we can, but I feel like I am going backwards. I just really want to press play. I know nothing I can do will bring back our Maddie but hopefully one day we can keep living.

James and I went into Maddie's room today and cried. Everything in her room is still the same. I just can't bring my self to change her room. I know she is not coming back but I can't let her go. Dirty clothes are still on her changing table, fresh diapers in her drawer, a paci in her bed, the monitor still next to her bed..all the same..except NO Maddie. James told me he feels like I am pregnant and we are waiting for her to "come home". In a way it does feel like that. She was here such a short amount of time and we loved her from the first sound of her heartbeat. But, in reality she is the one waiting for us to "come home".

I praise God for heaven. Knowing that I will see my Maddie again is what really gets me through the day. I wonder if she will still be a baby? Will I get to raise her in heaven? I hope so!

We miss you Maddiebug..

James made a blog post today...

I'm trying to be strong but it's SO hard

EVERYWHERE I go and EVERYTHING I do reminds me of Maddie.

It's not fair from the moment I wake up to the time I go to bed I am reminded of her..

Today I woke up.. It's Saturday the day James would let me sleep in and he would have daddy and Maddie time. Well not today because my baby is in heaven..

We went to a car show.. A car next to us pulls up (its kinda like James) and they pull out the SAME car seat as Maddie had. The baby is about THE SAME age as Maddie... We can't bring our baby to the car show because our baby is in heaven..

We went to the the store to buy a new board game..The board games are in the toy section. The same toy section I have been in many times to buy Maddie toys..but not any more our baby is in heaven.

We went out to eat and there was a little baby at the table by us... We cant take our baby out to eat because she is in heaven..

Now I am sitting blogging when Maddie used to have Daddy and Maddie time but now I just blog about how much I miss Maddie...because OUR Maddie is in heaven.. :(

I went back.. again..

Today I went back to the graveyard. It's still really hard. I know people keep telling me I don't "have" to go there, but I feel like I do. Maddie is my daughter and she always will be. I know she is always with me but I need to go there to. One day it may not be so hard, but for now its almost unbearable.

Today I ran by Hobby Lobby and got her a pin wheel to place by her flowers. I hope she loves watching it spin. It's got pink with polka dots on it..So "Maddie like". I also brought her a zebra bow!


As I was driving to the cemetery I just keep thinking.... "This isn't right.. I should not have to drive to the cemetery to feel close to my daughter.."and it's NOT right!

The grass around her grave is growing perfectly... so good it needs to be cut now.

I sat and talked for a while. Then I left. I think leaving is almost as hard as going there. I don't want to "leave" my daughter there.. Ug it just hurts.