Sunday was the day James and I celebrated our anniversary so I tried not to think about Maddie's angelversery. As time go on I think I miss Maddie more and more.
There is so much to miss. Her smile, her laugh, her eyes, her chubby cheeks. I also keep remembering what we are going to miss out on...birthday parties, preschool, kindergarten, ballet, cheer leading, driving, high school, boyfriends, homecoming, prom, college, her wedding. It hurts. Some days I wonder how I even get out of bed. Some days I really don't want to, but I do. I actually woke up this morning and thought.."I can do this... It's going to be a good day". That is a nice change!
You know what has really scared me after all this happened? People sleeping. No matter if its an infant or an adult. I stay up some nights just watching James sleep. I will shake him if he is not snoring. It scares me. I remember last year a little girl feel asleep in my class and I panicked. I thought something was wrong with her. I tried to wake her up and she did not move. I had to get my teacher partner to wake her up. I can only imagine how scared I will be with our next child.
14 comments:
aww honey, sorry ,it is so sad on all the things you don't get to do physically with Maddie,it hurts my heart,I think of you every time i celebrate something with my baby girl, and i ache for you because it's not fair for any mommy to miss out on all of them things! My daughter is about a month older than Maddie,only because she came 3 weeks early,she was due oct 15th but came sept 24th,and I know it has to be a living nightmare daily for you without her,I wish you peace,love and happiness and yes you will probably be more over protective of your next child ,just trying to protect them from everything,it would be nice if we could keep them from all harm,thats our job right? that is how us mommies feel! but sometimes it is just not possible:( sorry for your rough days,hoping you have a few good ones coming soon,it's nice to see you in a good mood:)...love the friday video blogs!!!! maybe you can teach us how to make a bow!!!
I think of you every night when I sing this song to my baby girl as I put her to sleep:
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Oh please, don't take my sunshine away"
I'm so sorry that you have to live with this pain, but I hope you take comfort that so many keep you and your family in their thoughts and prayers.
Oh Kellie, I'm the same way with people sleeping. I'm constantly waking Rick and the boys up. I think that will be something that will get better in time, but it scares me so much. I've wondered if any other Mama's who've lost babies felt that way too. It's so hard. =(
Hugs amd Prayers
Love,
Natalie
My daughter, Mady, is also three weeks older than your daughter Maddie, born Sept 24th. I've constantly been praying you and James find whatever peace and comfort you can after facing every parents nightmare. As you have said, it's just not fair! My Mady wears big bows, too, and I think of you and baby Maddie often when she does. xo
Kellie,
I've been following your blog for a while now. I'm not sure what drew me to it. The fact that our daughters are both named Madison or reading your struggles and seeing how much strength you have to move forward when your heart just wants to go back. Come to think of it, it was probably both. I thank you for blogging about your story because blog reminds me to hug my Madison tight.
Your fears, I feel are normal maybe amplified a bit more, but normal. I still have the fears when I lay my Madison down at the end of the day and even at naps and we are past the SIDs worry (She's 13 months - 4 months and 2 days older than your Maddie), but I still worry and I think I always will even though the Pedi says she can have blankets and pillows now.
I just started following your blog and I just wanted to say you are such a strong person and everything happens for a reason. I lost my baby at 20 weeks and I still can barely talk about it. When I saw your blog I couldn't stop crying because I know how hard it is and I know that you must have some pretty big angels watching over you. I'm starting to learn that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle and you are living proof of that. Thanks for being so honest and sharing your story.
I don't know you but think of you and your family often. My heart breaks for you every time I read your blog.
I bet your blog is bringing you much needed support.
May the future bring you the happiness you deserve.
Sleeping babies always bother me...I feel like I need to tell people that they can die if they don't watch them...crazy I know.
Hope that things get a little easier...if that's even the right word. For me, I hate how time keeps passing but I am able to look at all the wonderful memories we had more now than just remembering the hurt of that horrible day. Thinking of you!
Your strength is amazing and you truly are an inspiration to others.
xoxo
I'm sorry Kellie. You have every right to feel sad. Just know we are all thinking of you and James every single day. It's true too...I find myself thinking of you a lot. Because of you, your family, and mostly your daughter, I am learning to enjoy everything to the fullest. My heart aches for you and James. Good things are coming though. The pain from the loss of sweet Maddie will always be with you, but so will the good memories. You and James remain faithful to God, and He will reward that faithfulness. God Bless!
Your fears are very normal :) I'm a VERY overprotective parent in many ways after the drowning of our son. On the other hand I didn't want my daughter to grow up being afraid so had to "make myself" let her go do things I was scared about - especially anything related to water. It happened in our pool & our 8 year old still wanted to go swimming. I always will be SO proud of my husband as he went out so she could as we felt it important she not be afraid of water or swimming at her young age - to be respectful of the power of water but not afraid. We allowed her to go to swimming parties, on boats, etc as she grew up - it was sometimes SO hard on us - we would wait around on pins & needles waiting for her return. But looking back we are so glad we struggled for her as she is a very normal 21 year old now - cautious yet not paralyzed by fear - which is how she should be able to be ! There are SO many ways we can lose our children (of that we become so much more aware after the loss of a child) so we have to enjoy each & every moment we have with them yet still try to keep our fears in check :) I once heard something I hold with me all the time - we each did the best we knew how to do at the time - so we must forgive ourselves for perhaps not doing what we know now. I struggled for years (still do now & then) wondering what my son experienced/felt with the way he left us - that was so hard. Although I truly know how hard losing our babies are - sleep is very peaceful - please try to hold on to that thought :) You WILL be scared - but being aware of it is important - which you already are. You'll do great with your next child - I'm sure !
I'm new to your blog. I love the honesty with which you write. I just wanted to say that while I have no idea what you're going through, I have read some of the blog Bring the Rain and I do remember a post about that angel mommy's fears when her kids were sleeping. Maybe that might help, maybe not...just a thought.
I'm so sorry hun. I know you'll be thinking about her for FOREVER! How could you not? Every moment of every day, every day of every week, every week of every month, every month of every year, every year of your lives together was supposed to be spent building memories and now you're left with what ifs? What could've been? It'll always be something you'll carry with you even when you're an old grandmama because she'll always be a part of you. Sending you much love and healing, Jessica
Praying for you. You are such a strong woman. You are making it. And when you can't, God will carry you through.
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