I feel like I am going backwards in my grieving process. I guess maybe it's because its a Holiday weekend. I don't know but I can't seem to handle the fact Maddie is REALLY gone lately.
It's forth of July weekend. I should be dressing Maddie up in her new red, white and blue outfit and trying to make a bow to match ( I was REALLY bad at making bows before!). We should be swimming with an excited 8.5 month old baby girl. Feeding her baby food and listening to her laugh. But instead James and I are sad..devastated...and alone in a quiet house...with nothing to do and no where to go. We feel trapped.
I feel like the world is moving around us but we are stuck on pause. How can we get out of pause? That I don't know. We are still doing the best we can, but I feel like I am going backwards. I just really want to press play. I know nothing I can do will bring back our Maddie but hopefully one day we can keep living.
James and I went into Maddie's room today and cried. Everything in her room is still the same. I just can't bring my self to change her room. I know she is not coming back but I can't let her go. Dirty clothes are still on her changing table, fresh diapers in her drawer, a paci in her bed, the monitor still next to her bed..all the same..except NO Maddie. James told me he feels like I am pregnant and we are waiting for her to "come home". In a way it does feel like that. She was here such a short amount of time and we loved her from the first sound of her heartbeat. But, in reality she is the one waiting for us to "come home".
I praise God for heaven. Knowing that I will see my Maddie again is what really gets me through the day. I wonder if she will still be a baby? Will I get to raise her in heaven? I hope so!
We miss you Maddiebug..
33 comments:
I think heaven will be whatever you and Maddie want it to be, when the time comes. Maybe she will have grown up, maybe she will be the same Maddie you remember, but either way you will be together. I admire you for your strength, I cannot imagine how you must feel but you are making it and you should be so proud of yourselves. Maddie is beautiful.
I'm at a loss for words but I do want to say my thoughts are with you. You will see her one day.
I think about you and your husband daily. I am so sorry for your loss. Y'all are so strong for sharing your story. When the time comes, know that your sweet Maddie will be in your arms again! She is looking over you both and I know she is SO very proud of her loving parents'!
~KM
I'm so sorry for both of you! God DOES have a plan for both of you in all of this, though!
I don't believe you are going backwards. Maybe the pain has finally hit hard enough to where you are able to grieve. I think at first you were in shock and perhaps too polite to let people know how you are really feeling. My opinion is let it out and don't hold back. If people don't like it, tough. If it were my daughter I would have to be locked up in a mental institution, I don't think I could make it through as gracefully as you have. (Hugs!)
Kellie, I am so sorry for your loss. I have been following your blog for a few months now. I know it seems like you are getting no where with your grief. Some days are great and you think you are moving forward and other days just slap you in the face. Grief, unfortunately, is a cyclic process. Just when you think you are getting near acceptance, you end up back at square one. That is the grieving process though. One day these hard days will be fewer and far between. Just know there are people out there praying for you and James and one day you will get to see your Maddiebug again.
Today I was feeling sorry for myself. My husband is in Afghanistan and I was feeling lonely. I felt like this for about 3-4 hours. Then, all of the sudden, I thought...How DARE I? How dare I feel sorry for myself. My husband is alive and in one piece. My kids are happy and healthy. I do not have the right to be sad. Reading this post made me realize that all the more. My heart aches for you today, tomorrow and everyday. I could never begin to imagine your pain. Know that there are so many people out there that you have touched with your story. God Bless you, always.
Tears for you sweet bff! I LOVE YOU.
Oh I am so sorry for what you and your husband are going through. I know this in no way compares but I had a missed Miscarriage in August. I remember when I found out my precious little one passed away. It was at 11:30 am on August 4th 2010 and I felt as if the world kept spinning while I stood still. His name was Samuel.
I couldn't imagine what you are going through. I pray for you daily...and think of you and your family often.
You will see her again! What a joyful day that will be!
I think that you and James are so strong, I don't believe that you are going backwards, part of moving forward is dealing with the pain and not holding it in. Everyone is different when dealing with a loss, losing a child is one of the worst type of losses. I know that God must think you two are very strong and WONDERFUL people he must have known that little Maddie needed two of the most awesome, loving and caring parents in the world. Because he knew her time on earth was going to be shorter, I think your are so right when you say you and James were blessed but I also believe that Maddie was also VERY blessed!! I think about you two daily!
I am crying for you right now. I am so so sorry for your loss, for your pain. I hope and pray your pain eases soon. I wish I had better things to say, but I guess there just aren't words. You are thought of and prayed for and supported by thousands of strangers all over the country. I am one of them. <3 to you and James.
Praying for you. I know what you mean about going to Heaven to see them. What a wonderful day that will be when we get to see Jesus and our babies.
Your Maddie is beautiful! I'm at a loss for words. I cannot imagine your grief. I just wanted to write to let you know, there are people all over the world lifting you and Janes up in prayer. I pray that God wrap his arms around you tomorrow as you go about your day. I pray you feel the peace of God which passes all understanding. Know that you, Maddie and James have touched people all across the globe. God Bless you and keep you.
Aww sweetie..:( I feel like I am going backwards as well. Tristan's 1st birthday is coming up (7/28) and I just cannot fathom it. I have yet to go into his room and I refuse anyone who wants to change anything. I was being pushed into things at the start but people have backed away and are finally just walking beside me, holding my hand. I feel like I have a tonne of bricks on my chest right now and am drowning in tears. My heart aches for you and your husband.
Melissa, your message is chilling. DO NOT feel guilty/bad/anything. Please. We ALL appreciate how much your family has suffered for the greater good. Your family has given enough. God bless.
Praying that God may fill Maddie's mommy's and daddy's hearts with peace! She must have been such a joyful little girl, to have a mommy and daddy who love her so much, no doubt she wants them to find peace and happiness again, even though it may never be the kind she brought to them. Keeping you in our hearts, thoughts, and prayers! May God bless you and bring you strength and peace!
Stay strong sweet girl! He has great plans for you and your husband! I pray for you often! I admire your honesty and strength!
i just wanted you to know I am out here thinking of you, and I always think you little Maddie when I see a ladybug. I hold my daughter (born 10-12-10) tighter, hug her longer, and when I feel tired and stressed I am grateful I have her to hold and love, because I know that you do not have your Maddie to hug. I am sorry for that and it is not fair. It is down right unfair. Thank you for continuing to share your family's story with all of us. Your Maddie has touched my life and made me a better Mommy. Love to you and James from Austin, TX
Thinking of you- I can not even begin to imagine how hard 4th of July is for you- I am praying God sends you some peace and comfort today in knowing how many lives your sweet little Maddie has touched.
I can not even begin to imagine your feelings this July 4th- I am praying God brings you some comfort and peace in knowing that Maddie touched many people. Keep your chin up!
I am so very sorry that you have to go through this. It is an awesome thing to know that you will be reunited some day, but I know that doesn't help with the grieving. Just know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of a lot of readers. She was absolutely beautiful!!!
Even though you may feel you are going backwards, you are in fact "another day stronger". I also read on a previous blog entry your concern of SIDS being potentially genetic and hereditary based on a study conducted. Don't let those thoughts get to you. I've posted before, and I shared this happened in my family. I can tell you that my close relatives proceeded to have 3 healthy and happy children after the loss of Eric, when he was 4 months old. Eric's siblings know about their older brother and cherish his memory. If visiting Maddie's grave helps you, do it, as everyone grieves differently. But, also remember that her resting place is just a representation of what she was on earth. You are not leaving her there alone, she is in a much better place, and watches over Mom and Dad. I can tell you that my relatives still visits Eric's grave, about twice a year, even though this happened over 20 years ago. It is what works for their immediate family, even though many advised them to not go there in order to move on. They have moved on from the sadness of the loss of a child to raise a happy family. They always remember and await the day when it's time to reunite with Eric again. After all, he is waiting for them in heaven, just as Maddie is waiting for her parents and future siblings. Her day was just way to soon, which is unfair, but she still deserves for her parents to fulfill all their dreams. Live the life you would have given her, and look forward to all the great things that are awaiting for you guys. Maddie was one of those amazing things, but God needed her and he seem to have chosen very strong people to handle this tragic event. You guys are amazing parents, and your babies are awaiting for their time to arrive into your arms. Maybe they are already playing with Maddie in heaven, and she is able to tell them how great you are. :) I send you, both of you a strong hug.
I know there is nothing that anyone can say that can make it better but I do want you to know that you and your husband are in my prayers. I know God is watching over your precious angel and you will be together again one day.
I came across your blog a few months ago after someone posted the link to babycenter asking for prayers for you and your family. I have never commented before but I just wanted to share a saying about heaven that brought some comfort to my sister after the loss of her 2 week old son. You may have heard it before but just in case...
"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye'
for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child
running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and
butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is
doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there."
~Author Unknown
::hugs::
I don't know that I could bring myself to change her room either if I were you. Only time will tell you whats right.
As for moving backwards, I would imagine it's pretty normal. It would be so much easier if grief were a straight line, a process that we simply moved through step by step. But it isn't. And there is nothing "normal" about what you are going through. It isn't normal for parents to have to lose their babies. You have been through hell, and it's okay that you still feel lost. We all would.
I'll be praying for you and James everyday. I hope you get to press your play button very soon.
I was just having a moment of feeling sorry for myself.. i get on and read your blog and think how dare I feel sorry for me!! Kellie and James~ You are such strong people and im sure that sometimes you may not feel that way. I look up to both of you all of the time. Wanting to be the kind of parents that you are and have been to your wonderful daughter. I can only hope that I can just one day have the strength that you have. Please keep looking foward and kno that the lord has something wonderful in store for you both! Sending prayers to you both <3
hi my name is ashley and i do know how u are feeling i feel the same way daily. I lost my son in december he was only a month and 2 days. I miss him so much most days im not even sure im gonna make it. His room is still set up and his clothes still hang in the closet i just cant seem to bring myself to put it away i guess that would truely mean hes gone. I love my son so much and i am truely sorry for your loss. I do pray that one day it will get easier. Thanx for listening
Christy- if you don't like what Kellie writes or how she writes, STOP reading her blog! It's that simple! You have no right to tell her what to write and NO right to tell her how she should feel! Go bother someone else you heartless person!!!!!
Alright, that's enough.
Christy - since you want to tell Kellie how to grieve, what to post, even how to feel, how about I give you a few pointers?
1) Tact. Look it up.
2) Everyone mourns loss differently. Kellie is doing the best she can. Believe me, she is a STRONG woman, who despite her tragic loss, has carried on her life outside the internet just as she did before. She IS a contributing member of society and she IS trying to live a normal life. She went back to teaching her kindergarteners; she even kept it together when they asked about Madison. Do you know how much strength that takes? Because I don't. . . I don't pretend to, though.
3) Spelling. Really? Now you're just reaching for something to bitch about. It's the internet, for crying out loud.
4) You mention in your second comment that you have lost a child. I am sorry you had to go through that; I can't begin to imagine how that feels. However, given that you have some idea of what Kellie is going through, how in the HELL can you tell her that it's not the end of the world? Of course she knows that, but I'm guessing sometimes her heart takes over (I'm sure you can relate), and it feels like the world as she knew it IS over.
You know, it's so easy to hide behind a computer screen and kick someone when they're down. I just never imagined that someone who has gone through what Kellie has would be one of the people to do such a thing.
I know Kellie - in real life, outside of the internet - and I can categorically say that she is one of the strongest, most independent, and brave women I have had the privilege to meet. Her blog shows only glimpses into the person she is. There are so many more sides to Kellie; it's just a shame that you can't seem to get that through your head.
Kellie, even though I don't see you anymore, I want you to know that I think about you, James, and Maddie - a lot. I remember that day in early Feb when I was with Brad at your mom's house and you came by with Madison. The love you have for her was so apparent - you absolutely GLOWED when she smiled at you. I only hope that one day I can be half the mother you were (and still are) to Maddie.
- Mel
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