SIDS reasearch fundraiser in honor of Maddie

A sweet lady called me a few months ago asking about Maddie. She lives next door to my grandparents and she remembered my grandparent telling her about our little girl. This sweet lady is opening a Papa Murphy's pizza here in Houston and wanted to donated money to a foundation in Maddie's name. The opening date has been pushed back many many times in the past few months. Finally a date was set...February 22nd just 5 days after Maddie's angelversary. God knew this is was perfect timing. This grand opening has really helped us to be happy that we can donate money to SIDS research and not be so sad. James and I will be at the event with the MBJ Foundation for SIDS (the foundation we decided to donate funds to). I hope all my local family and friends can stop by. There will be bean bag toss, face painting, and a chance to win wooden toys, hand-crafted by the Papa Murphy’s owners.

Here is the official link 

3 years

I don't know I have made it this far. 3 years sounds so long. How? You have been gone so long now. I still miss you so, so much every day.

Your smile, your soft skin, year sweet auburn hair, your eyes, Maddie, you were so perfect. To perfect for this world.

Maddie we miss you more then anything. I miss all the things we will never get to experience with you..a birthday, a bo bo, taking you to school, you feeding yourself, ballet class, you being a big sister, highschool, getting your license, taking you to college, picking out your wedding dress. I could go on and on. So many things we are missing!

But, we are so glad we did get to spend those 4 special months with you. Those months I will cherish forever. I am so glad I blogged about you and our memories. I am so glad I have them forever.

Thank you sweetie for making me a mom...for teaching me what real love is. You will always be my first little love...without you we may not have Jackson...thank you for sending me our Hope.

We love you so much!

Looking back

Yesterday at nap time I sat down and read all of my blogs from Maddie's birth until after she passed away.
I have never ever gone back to read that horrible post from February 17, 2011. Yesterday for some reason I felt like I needed to. I cried and cried and cried and cried. Finally I made myself stop reading.
After processing everything I am glad I did read it all. Now I know I am just a little bit stronger. I remember the days when I would lay in bed trying to get up and start my day but I couldn't physically make myself. I was so broken. I remember not eating and having so many bad days in a row. Bad days now are getting farther and farther apart. I am now stronger. That doesn't mean I miss Maddie any less. I think that is not true at all. If anything I miss her more. It's been almost 3 years since I have held her in my arms. It's just different now. I have Mr. Hope to get up for. He is what has really pushed me through this whole process. She is such a blessing so much more then he will ever understand.
As Maddie's angelversary gets closer I do become more and more sad. But, I am trying to push through and celebrate her life.

February

I hate February.
It's the most dreaded month of the year for me.
It brings back so many (excuse my language) damn memories that I just want to forget.

Being at work. chatting with my co workers. getting "the call". running to my moms classroom screaming...shaking...already knowing my baby was gone. riding in the car, crying. praying. running into the hospital. being taken to "that room". being told "she didn't make it". crying. telling James "she didn't make it". being told we couldn't see our daughter. wanting to fight the police officers. screaming inside my head. wanting to throw up. screaming. crying. being held. holding James. wanting to see my baby. being told no. being interviewed by a police officer. wanting to hold my baby. being told no. finally leaving my baby, my little girl in the hospital forever after being told I couldn't see her. we knew we had to leave but why. What were we going to do? Our baby was gone and we were not even allowed to see her. WHY???

I have tried to forget all these memories for 3 years. But this February I will remember.
I want everyone to remember my girl.
She is very much a part of me today as she was nearly 3 years ago.

When a baby dies..

I friend of mine posted this video..

It almost scared when I watched it. It's everything I am feeling. Even almost 3 years later.
Grab some kleenex ..