Christmas!

Thanks for all the teething advice. We have been doing the cold wash cloths, frozen teething toys, teething tabs, gripe water and Tylenol when it gets really bad (not all at once..HA!!). Nothing seems to help tho. I plan on taking him back into the pediatrician on Monday if he is not better.

Now I need some mommy expert help!

I would LOVE some ideas on what to get Jackson for Christmas. He will be 7 months old and I want to get him some toys that he will LOVE. What do your little ones love? I'd LOVE to hear your opinions! Post links if you can! Thanks so much!

Teething..

Oh my.

Teething. Just hearing the words hurts.

Jackson has not slept through the night in over a week. He's tired, I'm tired and he isn't happy.

A friend sent Jackson an amber teething necklace. I have actually faced my fears and let him wear it on his neck when I am right near him. If  I am not within 2 feet of him I put it on his ankle. He has had it on for less then 24 hours so I'm still debating on the effects.

I know this is new and I have never been through teething before but it's rough. He is crying so often it makes me think something else is going on. He hasn't done the screaming fit in a few days, which is wonderful. Hopefully we are on the happy end of this teething thing. I still have yet to see a bump or any red spot in his gums tho. I know it can take months to show up..but come on tooth..This mom is TIRED!! 

A real good scare...

Jackson gave me a real good scare last Thursday...

Thursday's are his physical therapy days. 30 minutes into his session he started screaming.. like "I am hurt mommy, help me!!" blood curdling screaming. I tried to calm him down. We rocked, I patted, I made him a bottle, gave him a paci and nothing worked. All he would do was scream. He even threw up he was screaming so much. After what seemed like forever I started to get scared, then I started to cry. I thought he was hurt. I kept thinking I am going to have to take him to the ER. I felt worthless. I am his mommy I am supposed to know what is wrong and how to make it better.

Luckily his therapist asked if he liked to swing. Of course he does, its his FAVORITE thing! Well they have a BIG huge swing. She took him from me and headed to the swing room. I grabbed my phone and dialed the pediatrician number. Something has to be wrong! He needs to be seen today! Of course it was 3:00 and they had no more appointments for that day. So I scheduled an appointment for the next day (Friday).

Jackson liked the swing room. After he realized he was swinging he started to quiet his crying and slowly he stopped. I tried to give him some more bottle after that and he didn't want it.

I was so glad he stopped crying, but why did he start? What happened? Is his neck really hurting that bad? I just didn't know. If only he could talk.

On the way home he did it again. He screamed and screamed. I really felt like turning around and running him to the ER, but I didn't. Finally he stopped crying and fell asleep.

After we got home he was fine. He acted completely normal and happy as can be.

STRANGE!

At the pediatrician the next day she checked everything...his ears, lungs, tummy everything. He hasn't had any fever. So she suggested it was his teeth. Remember he is only 4 months old..it can't be his teeth... Boy was I ever wrong!

He has had a huge crying/screaming fit at least once a day. He chews on his hands constantly and drools. It has to be his teeth. I am going to try one of those amber teething necklaces. It freaks me out that he has to wear is around his neck! Someone suggested I put it on his ankle so I may try that.

He is in so much pain and I feel like I can't help him. I HATE this feeling. Please pray for our little Jackson. Pray he is comfortable while these teeth are coming in.

I have been told it can take months for them to actually "come in", so I hope he starts feeling better soon!!!!

We get to keep him..

We get to keep Jackson...we really get to keep him! I can't stop thinking this. It's kind of surreal. My second baby we actually get to keep him.

I never knew I would feel like this. It's such a weird feeling. It's almost like a calm after the storm. I haven't been using his monitor as much and I feel less anxiety leaving him. Now, don't get me wrong I'm still a nervous wreck if I do leave him...but I feel better.

I am enjoying this new feeling of relaxation. It's nice.

Should I say it? I almost feel "normal".

Facebook

I just wanted to let you guys know I made a Facebook page for my blog. I added a photo album for all of your Maddiebug pictures. Please feel free to share your pictures.

Here is our page. Please go like it! 

Does anyone know how far in advance you can order the lady bugs? I know you put them in the freezer until you want to use them, but I didn't know how long they would last in the freezer.

Pediatric Neurologist

On Wednesday we took Jackson to the Pediatric Neurologist. It was the next step in our torticollis journey. If you remember this was the same day that Jackson was exactly the same age as Maddie when she left us. James and I were both so nervous about the visit. We tried to make the visit light and fun.

When we got there Jackson had his head scanned in a 3d scanner. They put this funny looking cap on him. He looked so cute. It's something I will always remember.

 

The neurologist took measurements and looked at his scan. He diagnosed Jackson with plagiocephaly.

Plagiocephaly is a condition characterized by an asymmetrical distortion (flattening of one side) of the skull. His head is 18mm "off". The flatness is making his ears uneven and making the left side of his forehead bulge. We are going to just do what we have been doing..stretches, keeping him off his left side and praying. We go back in 1 month if he has not made enough improvement (measurement wise) we are going to go talk to the helmet people. The doctor said he thinks Jackson may be able to correct it himself but he didn't know for sure until we go back next month and look at his measurements again.

I think it was a pretty good appointment.  I think waiting a month and remeasuring Jackson is the best way to see if he is correcting it himself. If not he is going to be the cutest helmet baby EVER!

Today I am another day stronger

I have been dreading today since I found out I was pregnant.

I knew it had to come. The day Jackson would be the exact same age as Maddie. I knew it was going to be a hard day. It's almost unbearable to think Maddie was exactly the same age as Jackson is today and will never be any older. Her life was way to short.

Today I spent the day with James and Jackson. We took Jackson to a pediatric neurologist to discuss his head shape. I will blog all about it tomorrow. At first I was so scared to have this appointment on such an anxiety fill day like today, but after living it I am glad it was today. It kept us busy and  engaged in Jackson. We even laughed, sang songs, danced and made lots of new memories.

All day I kept waiting for 12:45 to pass. That is the time they think Maddie left this earth. I was staring at my phone all day just waiting. My stomach hurt so bad. I felt like something was going to happen...

At 12:40 we pulled into the grocery store parking lot. We went to let Jackson pick out a balloon to bring to Maddie's spot. I kept pushing my phone over and over again just waiting.. 12:42...12:43...12:44...Finally it was here....12:45, then I lost it. Standing in grocery store  looking at ladybug party decorations the tears started flowing. I am so glad James was there to hold me. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Then I gasped...and checked Jackson. Thank God his monitor was on. He was still alive, awake and just a kicking away. I think I kinda figured Maddie passed away at that time on this day and Jackson would to. That is so horrible to say but that is really how I felt.

We walked over to the balloons and Jackson picked one out for Maddie. It was a ladybug of course! 

We drove over to Maddie's spot and talked to her for a while. James and I both kissed Jackson and we felt the warm sun shine through the trees. Maddie was kissing Jackson to. Jackson gave her the balloon he picked and we left.

I hate leaving. I feel like we are leaving her behind. Every time we start to drive away I have to tell myself she is always with us no matter where we are.

Today was better then I thought, but still very hard.

Now I can breathe again. I can try to relax a little. Oh, I hope I can.

This little boy it our Hope..Our everything. 

4 months and 2 days

Today is the day before Jackson will be the same age as Maddie. She passed away at 4 months and 3 days. Today Jackson is 4 months and 2 days old. I never knew how I would feel on this day. I knew I would be upset, but I never knew it would be this hard.

Plain and simple..I miss my girl. I miss everything about her...her smile, her kisses, her coo's, her girlie clothes, her laugh, her love for me and her daddy. I want to scoop her out of heaven and kiss her.

Today I can't seem to stop thinking this isn't fair. I hate this! Why us?! SIDS can't be the answer. I wasn't there. Maddie was at the babysitters house if I were just there she may be here. Remember that morning I felt uneasy? The baby sitter gave me a weird feeling. I even told James I shouldn't leave her there..but I had to. I had to go to work. Gosh I hate this. I have gone almost 2 years not letting me blame myself and not "what ifing anything"..but today I am. I know I can't go back and change anything. She was supposed to go. It was her time. She was here to do a job and somehow in her short 4 month life she fulfilled that job. But, I cant help but think I should of been there. What if I were there?

I love you so much Maddie. I am so sorry if I let you down. I am sorry I wasn't there. I'd do anything for you.

Pumping...

I wanted to blog about my pumping journey.

Oh what a journey it has been...

I never had a lot of milk. I was shocked it even came in at all. I tried and tried and tried to breastfeed Jackson but he wasn't having it. I just don't have enough milk for my big boy. I even tried a few times recently. After my milk is gone he screams! Not the relaxing, smiling, bonding time you think of.

After I had Jackson I rented a Medela Symphony breast pump from a lactation specialist. Last month I decided I was going to return it and use my Medela pump in style because paying to rent a pump was just not in our budget.

Well... I started using my Pump n' style and I was getting WAY less milk. I already do not pump much and I was getting about 1/2 of that with the pump n style. After about a week of using my pump and my supply was diminishing. I went back to the hospital and got another Medela Symphony and guess what? My supply went back up immediately. I still pump exactly the same amount and I have since Jackson was a few weeks old. So the monthly renal cost of this wonderful pump is well worth it.

Oh I forgot to mention I HATED the pump in style. I guess I was used to the symphony. It's so smooth and very quiet. If you are thinking about renting or buying a pump. I'd definitely rent a hospital grade pump hands down!!!!

4 months

Jackson,

     You are 4 months old. It feels like you have been with us forever but I know it's only been 4 short months.
     You are wearing 6 month oneises and a size 2 diapers. We are still using Target brand diapers. I tried to put you in a 2/3 Pampers the other day and they were huge! I will keep trying. You are eating every 2-3 hours (5-6oz) during the day.  We give you pumped breast milk and formula. You were going down to sleep at 9pm but lately you have been wanting to go to bed earlier and earlier. Most nights you sleep from 8:30pm-7:00am. You are such a great sleeper!!!
    I am not sure of your stats. We go to the doctor tomorrow for your 4 month check up. I will update your stats tomorrow. I am going to guess you weigh 15 pounds and are 26 inches long.   
    We are going to see the neurologist on Wednesday about your head shape. It does look better but it's not great. Wednesday you will be the same age as Maddie. I know she is going to be snuggling you tight that day. Daddy is going to take off work and we are all going to go as a family. After the doctor we are going to do something special for you and Maddie.
    We finally start physical therapy next week for your neck. It is still really hard for you to turn your neck to the right. Mommy has been working hard on your stretches at home every day. This month you started to pick your head up off the ground during tummy time. This takes a lot of strength in your sore little neck. I am so proud of you. You rolled over twice but haven't since then. You try to every day but the physical therapist said it hurts your neck to roll so it may take you a little longer then most babies to roll.
   You are not doing a real laugh yet, but you are really trying hard. You love to play with daddy and squeek. Talking is one of your favorite things to do (besides eating your hands). You still take a paci when you are tried or riding in the car. You love being with mommy. Daddy says you are already a mommy's boy. You still love your swing!

We love you so much baby boy. Thanks for making our hearts so happy.

Love,
Mommy

Ladybugs for Maddie.

Maddie's birthday is coming up. I have been thinking of a way we could all celebrate her life together. So, I think I got it.

Why don't we all release Maddiebugs?

 A sweet family friend bought us some last year and we loved it. I think Jackson will love it too. I know you can order them online and they can be shipped to your house ( or you can buy them locally). There are over 1,000 in each package. Amazon has them here.

What do you all think? Is it a good idea? I can set up a Facebook page so we can all post our pictures. I think it would be amazing and Maddie is probably jumping for joy knowing we are going to release thousands of lady bugs for her.

Maddie's birthday is October 14th so we have a little time to decide! :) I'm excited!!

Close

It's getting close. I can feel it creeping up on me like a big rain storm. In exactly one week Jackson will be the exact age Maddie was when she passed away.

Today I have been in a funk. I woke up to an ant infestation in my kitchen. What a great way to start the day. While cleaning up the hundreds of ants the cloud of grief swept over me. I stood in the kitchen and started crying.

I don't want to do this! Can I even do this? Jackson will live. I know it. But, I also know everything he does that she didn't get to do I am going to think..."I wish Maddie could of done this". We are getting to that stage now. Jackson rolled over twice. Maddie never did that. We will be feeding his cereal in the future. Maddie never got to do that. It's just not fair.

I think I may be back to the angry stage in my grief process. I am so mad that she is not here. I think what I am really mad about is that there is no good explanation of why she is gone. They told us she died of SIDS.....SIDS...Whatever that is. Thats just an a nice way of saying they have no clue why she died. I am back to wanting answers. The truth is ....we will never know and it makes me mad!

I am going to try and bust out of my funk. I need to go kiss Jackson and tell him how much I love him.

Please pray for us as the days get closer.

Skillet Lasagna

I know. Ya'll want pictures to go with the recipies. I was in a hurry last night and forgot to snap one. SORRY!

Skillet Lasagna 

8 oz bowtie pasta
1/2 lb sausage ( I didnt use sausage..just ground beef)
1/2 lb lean ground beef
1 tsp minced garlic
1 tsp dried basil
1 (24oz) jar spaghetti sauce
1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese

 2/3 cup ricotta cheese

Cook noodles according to package directions. Drain.  Set aside.

In a large skillet, brown sausage and ground beef.  Drain fat and return meat to skillet.  Add mined garlic and cook until fragrant, about 30 seconds.  Add spaghetti sauce, basil, mozzarella cheese and ricotta to the meat.  Stir to combine.  Add noodles and stir to coat thoroughly.  Simmer about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.  Top with additional cheese if desire.

Video Blog

Here is our goofy video blog!

...and the winner is...

The $30 gift card Disney winner is.......

Juliene from Happily Ever After!!!

Please e-mail Krystin disneytripexpert@gmail.com ASAP!!!!

And just for fun....a picture of Mr. Jackson! 

Jackson's monitor

I have been asked quite a few times what monitor we use for Jackson. I have wanted to share but never had the pictures ready to explain everything..

So, here we go.

Jackson wears a belt around his chest. It is a soft stretch material. On the sides of the belts there are  black sensors (they Velcro and come off to wash). Attached to the sensors white and black cords.

Here he is modeling for us. Ha Ha Doesn't he look thrilled? Actually look at those ROLLS!!!

We keep the strap on him most of the time. I do take it off during the day when I know he is going to be awake. I didnt get a picture of this but the cords just fall through the holes where you snap up his onesie. 

The black and white cords plug into the grey thing which plugs into the  "box" . 

 (here is the grey thing)

Here is a picture of the box. The box flashes each time his heart beats and each time he breathes. If something is not right it will alarm. It is VERY loud. It sounds like a fire alarm. 

The monitor goes everywhere with us. We don't always have him plugged into it or turned on but its usually with us. It's very helpful in the car.

 Jackson LOVES to kick so we have to tuck the grey thing into his car seat pad which is why I haven't taken it out yet.

 We have many different bags to put his box in. This one is cookie monster!

 Here we are in the car with it. The cord is 7 feet long so we can see his monitor while we are driving.

Here he is Mr. Jackson sleeping away.

Like I said Jackson has not had any "true" apnea spells. We are using it really for our sanity.

It truly has been my saving grace. I honestly do not know how I would sleep at night without it. I did get concerned with him having a cord in his bed at night but I have come up with a soulution for now. We cut a small hole in Jackson's pj's then we put the Halo sleep sack and zip the cords down. They are away from him and it seems to be working for now. Even with his new kicking moving and grooving the cords seems to be safe and secure.

Easy Enchiladas

Chicken Ranch Enchiladas



1 packet taco seasoning
1 packet ranch dressing mix
1 can (14.5oz) low-sodium chicken broth
6 chicken breasts
12 flour tortillas
2 cups pepper jack cheese (I used cheddar cheese)
1/2 cup light ranch dressing
1/2 cup salsa

Place chicken, taco seasoning, ranch mix and chicken broth in 6-quart slow cooker.   Cook on low 6 hours.  Remove chicken from slow cooker and shred.  Reserve liquid for rice.

Divide chicken and cheese between tortillas.  Roll up and place in a lightly greased 9x13-inch pan.  Bake at 350 for 20 minutes. ( I also added some fresh pico de gallo)

Combine Ranch dressing and salsa.  Pour over baked enchiladas.  Serve with rice.

Rice

2 tsp olive oil
1 cup rice
1 Tbsp dried minced onion flakes
1 can (8oz) tomato sauce
1 1/2 cup crockpot liquid

Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium heat and add rice. Cook, stirring constantly, until puffed and golden. Stir in onion flakes, tomato sauce and crockpot liquid; bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low, cover and simmer for 20 to 25 minutes. Fluff with a fork.