The 2nd hardest thing..

I always heard you will know when it is time..

Time to pack up Maddie's stuff...

But I always knew I was NEVER going to be ready.

Sunday morning I woke up after my baby shower and I felt like I needed to do it... put her stuff away.

I called my mom and asked her to come over and help. There was no way I could do it alone. If you remember I have not touched anything in her room. Dirty clothes were still on her changing table and clean clothes on her bed.

Could I do this? Was it time? Was I ready? Will I ever be?

I sat in Maddie's room crying, waiting for my mom to come over. I sat there thinking that it was time. It's time to start our new beginning. The major reason I needed to clean her room is for her brother....Mr. Hope. We are using her furniture in his room. So, I just kept thinking.... This is the start of our hope.... Maddie will always be a part of our family no matter if I move her stuff today or in 20 years. What am I waiting for? I'm ready for hope. I am ready for Mr. Jackson. I will always miss Maddie, but I am ready for her room to make me smile. So it was time.

When my mom got to our house, she asked me if I was ready. She knew I was crying. I said yes. So, I took pictures of every inch of her room. I took a lot of pictures. Probably way to many but I wanted to remember. I don't ever want to forget. Here are just some.


(Remember everything was just "dumped" in her room. So it is not very organized or picked up.. but I didn't want to move anything so I just started taking pictures..)

After taking pictures we started taking stuff out of her drawers. It was so hard. SO SO SO hard. At one point I really thought I was going to throw up.

How could I come this far? Over a year without her. Now I am cleaning out her room. I hated doing this. I kept texting Catherine and telling her how much I hated it. But it was time.

We started with her bow drawer.
The very drawer that I frequented every day. Also the same drawer that I almost had a panic attack in when I had to pick the bow our baby was going to be buried in. Putting away all her pretty bows hurt. It was real. She is really gone. I kept a few of my favorite bows to put in my jewelry box. I want to be able to look at them any time I needed or wanted to. I am so glad I made that decision. So far I love opening that jewelry box in the morning to put my jewelry on and seeing those beautiful bows. It makes me happy.

Mom and I went drawer to drawer until all of them were empty. Then we took her bedding off. A friend of Catherine's is making us a quilt out of Maddie's clothes and I decided to include her bedding. So we put all of that into a bag.

Next, we did the closet. I was really dreading this part. It was a sad trip down memory lane. Every outfit we took out I could remember her wearing. I remembered what we were doing and if I had a picture of her in that outfit. We picked some favorites and put them into the bag for the quilt...others I couldn't give up. The hardest part about going through her closet with seeing all the clothes she never got to wear. That hurt. Maddie had so many clothes with tags on them. Clothes even past 12 months. Clothes she will never wear. Clothes Jackson can't wear. It just hurt..BAD!!!

7 totes and many tears later we were done.

I did it. I packed away her stuff.

Her crib is still in there. We haven't moved in into our room yet, but everything else is put up.

I am going to keep some of her stuff on the wall and incorporate Jackson into her room.

It was hard....the 2nd hardest thing I never had to do. But, I did it. I am so lucky my mom was there to help. She was amazing and helped me through the whole thing.

I walked into Maddie's room (the playroom) on Monday and I was a little sad. It is going to take a while for me to get used to seeing her stuff gone and put away. One day I will smile in that room. I'm just not there yet.

A shower of Love

I woke up Saturday feeling under the weather and I was SO bummed. I laid in bed and prayed I would feel better. I took some medication got in the warm shower and I felt great! It was time to party!

My shower was AMAZING! So many friends and family came to love on Jackson and I.

It was really a shower of...



a reminder that.....



Catherine and Michelle really out did themselves on the decoration and the food was SO yummy!!!

Diaper motorcycle.. SO cute!!

A stool that everyone signed for Mr. Jackson

The cake, cakeballs and cream puffs. YUMMY!




I had such a great day. I was so happy to see family and friends together for a happy occasion. It just so much fun.

Thank you Catherine and Michelle for hosting such a special shower. Thank you to everyone who came. I had the best time celebrating Jackson.

Cardiologist

I went to my OB around 24 weeks and told her my heart was skipping beats (and it had been for weeks). If you have ever experienced this it is very scary. My OB told me it shouldn't do that after 20 weeks. That really concerned me…especially after our perfectly healthy baby girl’s heart just stopped beating. She suggested I go see a cardiologist just to check it out. So, frightened I called and made an appointment.

A few weeks later James and I went to the cardiologist. Nervous, anxious and praying for the best we waited for the doctor. After asking about my history (oh yes and how many babies I had... (insert tears here)) he suggested I wear a heart monitor and get an echo cardiogram done. He didn't think there was anything wrong but he wanted to be sure.


So, the next day I went and picked up this....

my heart monitor. I had to wear it for 24 hours. Let me just say being pregnant and wearing this thing does not mix!! The tape they put on you is VERY itchy.

24 hours later I was very glad to take back the monitor. Next, was my echo cardiogram. Remember I blogged about getting that done on Maddie's angelversary? It was a breeze. Basically they do an ultrasound of your heart. When I was done the tech kept asking me when my follow up appointment was, which scared me. Did it mean I needed to be seen quick?

Yesterday was my follow up appointment. My cardiologist said that the bottom of my heart is beating 80 extra beats. He said that it is not hurting anything. It can just be scary for patients. He got that right!!! He did say that some patients decide to take medication to control is. Since I am pregnant that is not an option.

After wearing the heart monitor I haven't noticed to many times where my heart is beating extra beats, which is great. He did say it could be from stress, or hormones and we all know I have tons of both of those!! So, I made an appointment to go back after Jackson is born to see how my heart is doing.

I really think this pregnancy and stress is what had caused this. We will see I go back in June.

Spring for SIDS auction

I just wanted to remind everyone that today is our Spring for SIDS auction will close at 4 CST. Please go over and bid. All money goes to the SIDS foundation for SIDS research in Team M's name. Click here to go to the auction.

Also, if you would just like to donate money to Team M in Maddie's name please go here.

Thank you SO much!!! I know this year is going to be a big success.

Here I am..

Well here I am. I made is through the worst year of my life.

I am proud of my self. Looking back a NEVER thought I would make it this far, not with out my baby girl. It has been the worst year EVER, but I'm here. I'm still standing. Still loving my Princess. Still fighting to tread above water....but here.

I do feel different. I have so much Hope for the future. Jackson and Maddie are really helping me with that. Can you believe in just a little over 10ish weeks I will be holding our 2nd miracle. Our hope! I can....and I CAN'T WAIT!!! This weekend is my baby shower. I am so excited. I can not wait to see my family and friends.

I feel so much better since Friday is over. I know the hurt and the pain will never go away but I feel great knowing that I've made it this far. Every day that passes is a day closer to spending eternity with our girl. How lucky is that?

This post is a little all over the place but I just wanted to remember how I feel on this day... 1 year and 3 days after Maddie left us...Hopeful, happy, in love because a true love story never ends.....

(Thank you so much for all the heart warming e-mails. I am trying to respond as quick as I can)

1 year

It has been one year since our Maddie girl went to be with Jesus.

I can't believe I have lived 365 days without my baby.

I can't believe it's been so long.

Today was a long day. I woke up for a horrible dream early and couldn't go back to sleep. James woke up not long after me. We laid in bed and I cried. It hit me hard this morning. We looked at pictures and watched videos of our sweet girl. We talked about all the things we love and miss about Maddie. I cried through the whole thing.

James and I finally got out of bed around 7:30. We went and got breakfast. I got a pink sprinkled doughnut for our sweet girl (It was very yummy). I had a doctor’s appointment at 10, so after breakfast I took a shower .I always seem to fall apart in the shower. Today was no different. I got sad, very sad and just started praying….praying for strength, and to feel Maddie around me today.

I cried all the way to the doctor. You see I haven't blogged about this, but we were going to the heart doctor. Today I was having an echo cardiogram done. Which is really just an ultrasound of my heart. It is ironic that I had this done today, on a day when my heart is so broken. ( I will blog about seeing a cardiologist soon. Don't worry I'm ok).

After the doctor we went to Maddie's spot. We stopped at the store to buy her some fresh flowers. We bought beautiful baby roses for our beautiful baby angel. It was drizzling and kind of yucky all day today. We got to Maddie's spot and it stopped raining. We stood there talking to her telling her we love her and placed her flowers in her vase. James and I took a step back and the sun light beamed down right over her spot. I told James that means she liked her flowers. It was amazing. It only lasted a few seconds and went away. I love getting signs from our Maddie.

I wish we had taken a picture of the sun light beaming down.

After visiting Maddie's spot we ran some errands and enjoyed spending time together.
Tonight we went out to dinner with James parents and really enjoyed their company. We stayed busy today which I think helped.

Today was a very hard day, but we made it. James and I want to say thank you for all of the prayers, e-mails, facebook messages, texts and calls. We really felt the love and support today.

Today we are a year stronger.

Love you Maddie girl. We are another year closer to seeing you in Heaven.
XOXOXO

The day before..

It's here.

The day before.

The anticipation of tomorrow is surrounding me.

I want to go to sleep, wake up and it be Saturday.

I know that won't happen. I know that's not healthy. I HAVE to face tomorrow...and I will head on. But, I want tomorrow to be about all the happy memories of Maddie. I don't want to sit and think about the horrific day we had just a year ago. If I do I don't think I'll make it. I think about those moments all the time. But, not tomorrow. NO way!!

James and I promised each other we will not sit home all day and be sad. We are going to get out of the house and celebrate the wonderful months we had with our princess. We will still cry( I am sure) but hopefully we will cry happy tears.

We love you Maddie and tomorrow we will celebrate you and your amazing life!

We made it..

We made it through the first tough hurdle... Valentines Day.

My students were so sweet to me and spoiled me rotten. They were so excited for our Valentine exchange. It was hard to be sad being amidst so much excitement. So, overalll it was a great day.

James treated me to a nice dinner at the Japanese grill. As we were walking in there was a dad carrying a little blonde hair girl all dressed up in her Valentine's outfit. James saw her and said, "figures". Just our luck right? She was probably about the same age as Maddie should be.....So cute....Pig tails..Just as happy as can be. Luckily they did not sit with us at the hibachi table. I just don't know if we could of handled that. James and I enjoyed our dinner. We had a great time. It was SO yummy!!!

James got me a beautiful tree to plant next to Maddie's in our backyard. I forgot to take a picture of it. I will when I get home today. He also got me a HUGE box of chocolates. Which I am thrilled!!!

So, we made it. 1st hurdle we jumped over with a BIG high jump. Now Friday is weighing on our shoulders. I really just want it to be here so we can leap over it too. But then again I want it to stay away. I just keep telling myself its coming..ready or not. Please keep praying. We can feel the prayers and love.

Also I want to say Thank you to Vivian Young. She sent us some amazing baby gifts for Jackson. Vivian can you please e-mail me? maddiesmommadethat at gmail dot com

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day from my angel to you!

(This is the only picture I took of Maddie last year. Isn't she darling in her little blue jean skirt?)

It has begun..

The grief. It's back in full force. This time it hit me like a ton of bricks. BAM!

I have been crying all weekend (over silly stuff). I feel like I can't handle anything. Everything makes me cry. I cried in the grocery store. I cried all the way home. I sat down in the living room and cried. I cried on the way to school this morning.

Poor James didn't know what was going on. Honestly I didn't either. I never thought it would hit me like this 5 or 6 days before her angelversery.


It's going to be a VERY long week. A week of telling myself "it's going to be ok". I don't know if I am going to have the strength to pretend this week. I don't know if I can make myself smile, laugh and carry on. It's just to hard.

I just can't believe it's been a year. I feel like everything happened yesterday. I think maybe Valentine's Day and Maddie's angelversery being on the same week is SO hard to handle. Valentine's day was the last holiday we spend with her. I remember putting her Valentines outfit on like it was yesterday. I made little valentines for her "friends" at daycare. I never thought it was the only Valentines Day my baby girl would ever spend with me. I would do anything to go back to last year...anything.

I miss her so much. But, knowing what I know now that should would still leave us..... I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I was able to spend 4 months wonderful with her. I got to kiss her, hug her and love on her. I am her mom and will always be.

Please pray for James and I to have enough strength to make it through this week. Thank you all for your support.

Rainbows

I am SO excited about this I HAVE to blog about this now!

I won a Super Bowl contest over at Remington's Rad Design's. Guess what I won? A FREE custom onesie. I racked my brain and finally came up with the perfect saying.......

Perfect!!!!! I'm in love! I cant wait until it's finished!!!

Hard day..

I went to talk to a sweet lady about my maternity leave.

She asked me the dreaded question, "So is this your first?". I quickly answered no its my 2nd and tried to move on. I will NEVER deny Maddie...ever...but, I didn't want to have to tell my story again.

We kept talking and she said, "How old is your first baby?". In an instant, tears started pouring down my face. I should of just said 4 months and went on, but I didn't. I said, "Well actually she passed away...". The lady felt so bad she tried to change the subject but it was to late. I was bawling. (like snot pouring out of my nose bawling). She was so sweet and so kind. She just kept looking at me with those sad eyes and I couldn't stop crying.

I never once said she passed away from SIDS, but I guess she really didn't need to know that. I guess telling my story never really gets any easier.

In a little over a week it will be a year since I have been telling this story. A story I never thought I would have. A nightmare that came true. For some reason I keep thinking if I can just make it past the 1 year mark everything will be ok. But is that true? Will everything really ever be "ok" again? In all honesty....No. I will ALWAYS miss Maddie. Even if we have 10 more babies I will still miss her. But getting past this big mark will help I think.

Week 23

Weight gain: I *think* around 10 pounds.

Maternity Clothes: Pants, yes. I don't really like maternity shirts they are to big! I wanna show off my bump!

Sleep: I have been sleeping good this week! I have also been sick.

Gender: BOY!!! Jackson

Belly Button: Still in

What I miss: Not having acid reflux. It's a killer. Zantac is NOT working.

What I am looking froward to: My baby shower. It's coming REALLY soon!!

Milestone: We should be finishing Jackson's room this weekend!!!!

Size of baby: About the size of a BIG book 11½ inches long and weighs 1 pound.

We need your help!

SIDS. UGH. I hate typing that word. They should really call it, "We have no clue why your baby died"...or that's how I feel.

It hurts knowing that no one REALLY knows why SIDS happens. Yes, there are some theories. But, none of them have been proven correct yet.

Being told ..."She just stopped breathing...", "We really aren't sure what happened.." really rubs me the wrong way.

As a mom all we want to do is help our children. But, as of now I can't do that. We don't know what causes SIDS. So all I can do is worry that Jackson will not be taken from us to.

Some girlfriends and I are trying to raise money for SIDS research. We did this last year and we had OVER 200 items up for auction. This year we only have 25. PLEASE is you have anything you are willing to donate to our auction for SIDS research can you please e-mail us at:

teammdonations at gmail dot com

No donation is to small. Thank you so very much from the bottom of my very broken heart.

Here is our facebook page please go like it!

(I am not the one answering the e-mail for the donation page. Sorry if you thought it was me. It's my good friend, Barbara. She will take good care of you)

Sick

Sorry I have been MIA this week. I have been sick. I don't know if I was REALLY sick but I sure did feel bad! I am just now starting to feel better. Yay!

We are getting the last things for Jackson's nursery. Hopefully by next weekend we can give you a good sneak peek.

Speaking of sneak peek. Should I do a 3d/4d ultra sound of Mr. Jackson? We did one with Maddie and never really got to see her face. She was always smashed up again something. I'd love to see my little monkey again. What do ya'll think?

22 weeks

I'm late getting this posted sorry


Week 22


Weight gain: I *think* around 10 pounds. Last time I went to the dr she wouldn't tell me how much I have gained. She just said I'm doing fine and not to worry about it. I do feel huge now.

Maternity Clothes: Pants yes. I don't really like maternity shirts they are to big! I wanna show off my bump!

Sleep: I have been getting so sore at night. I keep waking up and just can't get comfy.

Gender: BOY!!! Jackson

Belly Button: Still in

What I miss: Not having acid reflux. It's a killer.

What I am looking froward to: My baby shower. It's coming up soon!!

Milestone: Not really a milestone but we are almost done with Jackson's room.

Size of baby: About the size of a package of Oreo's (yum).