A visit with a lot of questions

Today we went and visited Maddiegirl spot. We haven't been in a while. When Jackson asks us where Maddie is we always tell him she is in heaven. He was always ok with that answer until today..  Today his little mind started racing. He asked, "where is heaven", "who is she with", "how do we get there"...When we got to the cemetery he wanted to know if were in heaven yet. Let me just tell you this mamma lost it. I wish so hard we could visit heaven and see our sweet Maddiegirl. It's hard to explain to a three year old what heaven is. He really wanted to see Jesus and say hi to his big sister. I wish I could of explained it to him or I wish I could of even gotten the words out, but I just sat there and cried. I wished I knew the right words to say. I wished I could hold her. I wish we didn't even have to have this conversation. But, we do. This is our story and this is our life. It's going to be like this until we see sweet Maddie again. So tonight I will try and find the right words to say to him. I will try my best to explain heaven to him. I hope I can do heaven justice. We have the book, heaven is for real, and we have read it many times. I guess he never put the two together.

All three of my children in one picture. This is not how I had it pictured it in my mind, but this is out story. Love you sweet Maddie.

Moving but not moving on

Deciding to move from the house we made all our memories with our sweet girl was one of the hardest decision I could of ever made. But, it was time to go. Jackson is in pre-school, actually next year he will be in Pre-K (can you even believe that?). As a teacher, I am pretty picky as to what school my children go to. I want to best of the best (can you blame me). The school in our old neighborhood wasn't my top pic, so it was time to start looking for new homes. We started looking for homes in the neighborhood I wanted to be in. They were a little over our price point, but not to much. We looked for weeks and on a whim I decided to go to an open house. James was running late and I decided to go to the open house alone. It was nearly time for it to be over so I was going to go in quickly and  go on home. Little did I know I would be there for hours crying with the listing agent bonding over my daughter.
I don't even recall what I was saying. I do remember I was telling the listing agent I had a daughter who passed away from SIDS. As I was speaking she stopped me and said, "Is your daughters name Madison?". Those simple words stopped me right in my tracks. I said, "Yes..." I thought she was going to tell me she was a blog follower, but I was so wrong. Come to find out her son was at the same babysitters house when our sweet Maddie passed away. She sat and told me the whole story of that day from her perspective. It was hard to hear but I wanted to hear it. I needed to know how the babysitter felt, what she did, what the police did, how was everyone acting ......everything that happed that day. We sat and cried together as she told me every detail that she recalled.  I knew from that second this was the right home for us. I always told James I had to have a special feeling a "sign" to know it was ok to move, and there is was bright and clear. Maddie was telling me it was ok.
You know, we had many memories in that home but those memories wont stay there. They are in our heads and in our hearts. Maddie is always with us no matter where we go and what we do.
It didn't make it any easier  when it was time to finally leave our old home for the last time, but it did make it easier. 

It's time to come back

I never knew I would take this much time off of blogging.

I honestly haven't even thought about it. I had a few followers send me a message but other then that it hasn't crossed my mind. I guess having two kids, teaching, and being a wife has my days pretty full.

I feel like you guys do not even know Brooklynn unless you follow me on Instagram, then you do! I only post at least 2 or 3 pictures of her a day. I always get the usual "why do you only post pictures of Brooklynn". Well I do post picture of  Mr. Jackadoo, but I told myself I would post a picture a day of Brooklymm for a whole year. I have greatly reached my goal and gone above and beyond (hey go big or go home right!). But, let me ask you this? Have you ever tried to take a picture of a spunky, opinioned three year old that doesn't love to listen to mommy? Yep, sometimes its not worth the fight! HA

Can you believe my Princess is going to be a year old soon? I have gotten into the party planning mode and I am LOVING IT! I can't believe she is this old. This is crazy!!
Brooklynn is such a good baby. She eats anything (and everything). She is very easy going and loves her mamma. She doesn't like men very much (except for her daddy). We still haven't figured that one out, but if your a man and want to hold her watch out!
I did do things a little differently with Brooklynn eating wise. I am not even sure this helped or if she was just born loving to eat, but like I said..Brooklynn will eat anything. I never gave her baby food! Yes, you read that right. She still to this day has never had any baby food. We did baby lead weaning and she just took off with it and we never looked back. We started with steamed apples and avocados. I know "true" baby lead weaning says you cant spoon feed them, but I spoon fed her avocado. Have you ever tried to pick up an avocado? Yeah, not easy. Brooklynns favorite food is still avocado! I don't even think I had an order of foods after that we just fed her what we were eating and went with it. Of course we stayed away from honey, and eggs. I really do think that has helped her love food.

My Jackson boy is still a picky eater. He eat chicken nuggets, fruit and yogurt. Well junkfood of course but that's about it. He still refuses to try any new food. Jackson is such a smart boy. He knows most of his letter and some of his sounds. He loves to tell you what sounds words start with and also what letters. He loves going to school and enjoys showing everyone his "fast shoes". He cracks us up! His love for trains and anything with wheels is strong. He loves JJ Watt, fast cars and his  4 wheeler. He is defiantly all boy!

Our Maddiegirl has been gone almost  5 years now. It hurts my heart so bad to type those words. Having Brooklynn makes us really wonder what Maddie would be like. I hope soon  can write a blog about it all.

I wanted to tell everyone thank you for sticking with us. Thank you for giving us some time to take off and enjoy our sweet family. Please leave me a comment and tell me you are still here.

Sickenss

Its been to long again!

I was in a rhythm with blogging then Jackson got sick. You know what happens when one kids gets sick?
Daddy get sick!
Then Brooklynn got sick!I'm not sure how I didn't get sick but man I'm glad I didn't!

Guess what?


We have been potty training for 4 months. Yes, folks. 4 MONTHS! About 2 weeks ago I gave up. I was done.....like D.O.N.E.
I am sure Jackson was going to go to Kindergarten in a diaper. So, this week Jackson decided he wanted to wear underwear again. I just kinda blew him off because we have been doing this for months and it hasn't worked yet why all of the sudden would he get it? Well, guess what he has! We are on day 3 of no accidents!
I wish I could tell you some big secret I did, but honestly I think he just wasn't ready. I kept pushing and pushing but he wasn't ready till now. Now, finally at 3 years old he gets it. It took a LONG time, but he gets it!!!
I hope Brooklynn gets it a little quicker. hahaha.
So, were finally down to only one is diapers.

James

When we got married I never imagined that we would have to venture through the loss of a child . No one ever thinks of all the hard times they may have as they are standing on the alter saying their vows.

4 years ago when our world fell apart I knew I had married the right man. James was always there for me. He let me grieve the way I needed to. He was always right there to try and pick me up when I was literally barely walking.

They say you are either going to sink or swim through such  a tragedy like ours.  It hasn't been easy, but I am so glad I have had my best friend right by my side. I can say we made it through one of the hardest things a couple can possibly go through. Even tho we are through the hardest times the pain is never going to go away. James is the only person that understands the hurt. I just have to tell him I am missing Maddie and he knows. He knows and he also feels how much our hearts long for her.

James has been our rock, our train, he just keeps going and going. After we lost Maddie we both said I would never work again after we had more kids. Well, here I am. Jackson is almost 3 and I have been at home since. It defiantly hasn't been easy. James has had to work 6-7 days a week for months on end. Yet, he has never complained once (ok maybe a few times), he just keeps at it. He stepped up without asking or expecting me to take on another job.He is simply amazing!

One of the things he loves the most is watching movies. He is a vast movie collector and has made a YouTube channel. His passion is going to the movies with his daddy and reviewing them. James has a great following on youtube and he has met alot of wonderful people!  I love that is he so passionate about it. You can head on over to his YouTube channel and watch his review tons of movies.  Me, I am not a "sitter". I can not sit for hours on end and watch movies. I try! I try to sit and watch them with him but I just cant do it. I always want to get up and do something! ha ha

Thanks babe for being such an amazing daddy, husband and role model. Maddie, Jackson, Brooklynn and I are truly proud to call you our daddy. You are such a hard worker and an amazing father! Thank you, thank you, thank you for all you do!! We  love you!

Our Brooklynn is 2 months old

Brooklynn...

I love her so much. She is such a sweet little girl. She is starting to show her personality and its so much fun!

She is 2 months (9 weeks old)
As of now she is:
-Eating 4 oz bottles. I haven't been keeping track of how often she eats. I honestly just feed on demand. She drinks mostly breast milk during the day and formula at night. Like I said in my last post.. I wanted to breastfeed so bad! We made it a few weeks (with some supplement),but then we both got way to stressed so I have been exclusively pumping since then.
-Sleeps at night from 9:00pm-4:00 am (these time vary nightly but this is the average)
-Weighs 10 pounds 15.5 ounces
-Brooklynn is on Zantac for her acid reflux. It's helping so much! She is spitting up less and is alot happier.
-Brooklynn seems to love her brother. We all know he loves her!
-She is wearing 3 month onesies and size 1 diapers. 
-23 inches long

I am so lucky to be able to stay home with her! Jackson is in preschool 3 days a week, so we get some good bonding time!

I still feel like its a dream. I cant believe we have another daughter!!!
James and I say this almost daily. We are so lucky to get a second chance.

I dream of the day I can take her with me to get our nails done, go shopping and gossip.

Now we are complete

It's been a while.
Honestly its been to long.
I got tired of blogging. It was getting to hard. Sometimes it felt like a job and I never wanted it to feel that way. I always wanted it to be my outlet to get things off my chest.

Then I was WAY to pregnant and tired to blog.

Now, I am just way to busy. I am going to make an extra effort to start blogging a little bit again. I have had many, many e-mails asking how we were. Thanks so much for those. It means a lot to me that you all still care.

We are doing great!!!

So, here is what we have been up to...


Brooklynn was born on February 10th at 4:41am.
I was 37 weeks 0 days pregnant but she was ready to come and boy did she ever come fast. I will do another post about her birthday another day.

I never thought I could ever love another daughter the way I love Maddie, but that is honestly not true. Now that she is here I know that I can love her just as much as I love our Maddie girl.

Brooklynn has been such a blessing. She is the one thing our little sweet family has been missing. I feel like we are whole now. We are completely in love with her and her sweet personality.

Having two earthly kiddos has not been easy. I am not here to sugar coat it. It's been hard at times and completely amazing at other times. Everyone told me Jackson would regress once she was here. Boy, was that ever wrong! The minute she got here he wanted to potty train. Yes, you read that right. We tried for months and months to potty train him. Brooklynn gets here and hes ready. I tried guys, and I tried hard, but I couldn't do it. I was pumping every 2 hours and nursing. My milks came in better this time but like the two other times it just wasn't enough. So, I stopped trying to train him. It was just to much for me.

Jackson is doing great. He is actually wonderful. He LOVES his little sister so much. HE still has to learn to be gentle with her but we are working on that. Can you believe he will be 3 soon?! Neither can I!

 

I'll be blogging more soon I promise! Until then go follow me on Instagram