New Years Eve

I am so glad this day is here. It is my brother's birthday!!! YAY Happy Birthday B!!

It's also the last day to this dreadful year.

We are ready for a new year and a fresh start. 2011 has sucked for us (ok MAJORLY SUCKED!!!). I will not be sad to see it go!

There is one good thing about this year..

This day...
September 13, 2011 The day we found out Maddie was going to be a big sister. It was a day like I will never forget.

Bye 2011... 2012 is our year! Our hope is coming. He's on his way!!!!

My "hope" light..

We started on Jackson's nursery. It was a BIG undertaking. My mom and brother came to help which we are so thankful for! We are using the guest room. That room was the "dumping grounds" for ALL of Maddie's after everything happened. Everything was literally just dumped in there and the door was shut. I have been in there a handful of times to get something I needed and the door was shut again. So our house had two doors permanently shut. Now it’s time to open them.

It was hard going through all her stuff in there but were are so glad my mom and brother were there for support! It took my mom and I half a day to go through everything. If I didn’t need it I put it in a Good Will pile or gave it to my nieces. Also a lot of stuff got thrown away. Some of Maddie's stuff that we can't reuse went into the attic.

Here is our before picture:

(Don’t freak..My OCD went crazy everytime I had to go in there).

Here is after all all our hard work:

We still have a LONG way to go. We are going to get the carpets steam cleaned and I am going to sanitize his room top to bottom. James and I are still trying to decide what color to paint the walls. I don't know if I have mentioned this before but I don't like themes in babies rooms so you will not see any here.

Jackson will be sleeping in his crib in our room for many months to come so we have a while to put the finishing touches on his room. But, it's 1 step in the right direction.

We are now keeping Jackson’s door open and it feels good. I can look down the hallway and see sunlight beaming in the hall way. I call that my “hope” light. It’s refreshing. It’s nice. It’s comforting.

Christmas

Christmas...It was hard . We knew it would be. Thankfully we were so busy. We didn't really have any down time just to sit and be sad.

I think Friday was the hardest day for me. I was so upset and it wasn't even Christmas yet. James , my mom and I went to a candle lit service at church and I cried through the whole thing! We lit a remembrance candle for our Maddie. Something that I wish we didn't have to do.

Service was beautiful but seeing all the kids with their parents in their Christmas outfits so happy and smiling made it so much harder. Our preacher spoke about many different things but the one thing that really hit home was about grieving. He said its ok to be mad at God. He understands. He is right there holding our hands. He said said now it's time to have hope.

That's what kept us going through Christmas is Hope. We tried to focus our attention on this little guy .

He is our Hope.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day was easier then we both thought. We went to six different houses and tried to stay positive. Not to many tears were shed. Probably because I was all out of them from Friday!

That ultra sound picture was taken yesterday at my 20 week anatomy scan. Jackson looks great! He is weighing 9 oz and is about 5 1/2 inches long. He is growing great! My doctor said all his organs look good. We couldn't get a good picture of his heart because of the way he was laying. I go see my high risk dr soon so he will take a better look at his heart and other organs.

Questions

James and I are meeting with a pediatrician this afternoon. It's early but I want to be VERY comfortable with a pediatrician this time.

I am making a list of questions to ask her. I have 9 on my list so far..Now I need your help! What should I ask the pediatrician?

(I will blog about Christmas tonight!)

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!!!

Love,
Kellie, James, Maddie, and Jackson

It's coming..

Ready or not Christmas is coming....and I'm not ready.

All the gifts are bought, wrapped and are placed neatly under our tree. But I'm NOT ready. I feel like I can't do this without Maddie.

Last Christmas was so special. I remember every detail of it. This Christmas I seem lost. James and I both do. We are going to try and make the most of it. I don't want to cry and be sad all day. I really don't, but I feel like it may happen.

We are going to try and make this Christmas about Jackson. Hopefully that will lift our spirits a bit.

But...... We. just. MISS. her

10 months and baby kicks.

Last Saturday was a sad day for us. It marked 10 months since Maddie went to heaven.

I miss her so so much. Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend like she is still here. Saturday was also a good day. It was the day we made the "decision". I know Maddie had a big part in helping us make that decision.

It's been really hard being pregnant knowing that Jackson will be here soon. I am SO excited about him but to me in my mind I will have two infants. I keep thinking how will I take care of two babies. I guess that is only natural tho. I know Maddie is in heaven looking down on us smiling. She is such a great big sister!

Also on Saturday I woke up to Jackson flipping away in my belly. That made my day better! I was getting worried that I had not been feeling him often. Well, I feel him a lot now! He is making sure mommy knows he loves her!!! I can't wait until James can feel him on the outside!

I am waiting for a special package to arrive. Once it gets here I will be taking my 17 weeks belly pictures!

Decision..

I have prayed, talked to friends, cried, and screamed. I think we have finally made a decision.
I talked to many angel mommies and everyone of them said they would keep Maddie's room the same.

So...

James and I think its best that we have a fresh start for Jackson. So, we are going to turn the guest bed room into his room and make Maddie's room into my nursing room and eventually Jackson's toy room. Who wouldn't want a toy room? I do.

So what if we don't have a guest room. We are about to have two kids. One may not be here,but she is still around! It is going to be a special way to use Maddie's room and make it into a happy place.

I think this is a great thing. I am excited now. My anxiety level is A LOT lower! It is going to be a lot more work for James to move all of Maddie's furniture but I think it'll be GREAT!

I want to say thank you to my readers who suggested making Maddie's room into a nursing/play room. If it wasn't for ya'll I would still be so upset trying to figure out what to do. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Torn

I have been so torn the past couple of days.

At 12 weeks when they told us it was a girl, I was excited. I was starting to really like the idea that the baby could use lots of Maddie's stuff. We had plans to change the paint color of Maddie's room but keep some nicknack's to remind us of our sweet Maddie girl. Now that we found out we are having a boy that really can't happen. We can't keep pink nicknack's, tu tu's and bows in his room. James would kill me!!!

I am SO excited about Jackson. I want to get this room ready and make it perfect. In order to do that I have to put Maddie's stuff up. But, I dont want to!

I'm torn. I am SO excited but still so sad.

I dont want to put her stuff up. I am not ready. But I really want to get the nursery ready for Jackson.

This is so hard. I never go into Maddie's room. So, you think this would be easier..but its not. It's so hard.

I went into Maddie's room the other day. I sat and I cried. It's so hard. How am I going to put away her stuff? It has been suggested to me to keep her room the way it is and put it away when I am ready, but will I ever be "ready"...no. NEVER..Because this whole thing isn't supposed to happen. It still doesn't seem real.

We do have an extra bed room that we could use. If we leave Maddie's room and make the guest room Jackson's room there won't really be anything left in Maddie's room. We are using her crib and dresser/changing table for Jackson. The walls will still be pink and the memories will never fade. So, once again I'm torn. I'm still praying that one day I will know the answer and know just what to do.

Bullets

-Thanks so much for all the baby tips and advice! I am going to read them all I promise!!!

-Don't forget to check out our December sponsor! The last day to order Scentsy for Christmas delivery is 12/19!! When you go to her web page scroll down to the bottom, on the left there is a tab that says, "Kellie Staats Party" place your order there!

- I have been scoping out etsy for baby boy stuff and I am in LOVE with this hat!!

Found here

I can see me taking Jackson's newborn pictures in this CUTE hat!!

- Oh my and these are SO cute!!!

Found Here

- What boy doesn't need a "J" onesie?

Found Here

Let's talk baby .....

Well since we are pretty much starting over (expect for the car seat) lets talk baby stuff!!

I never liked Maddie's swing. Can any one tell me a swing they really love?

We had 2 bath tubs for Maddie and I never really liked either of them. So what the best bath tub for babies?

I need a new diaper bag. Any suggestions? I had 2 with Maddie the first was to little the 2nd was way to big.

We need a new pack n' play. I guess there are just personal preference.

I am going to try and breast feed again. But if I do have to use formula we will use Dr. Brown bottles again. They were a pain to clean but I loved them!

Speaking of breast feeding...My milk never came in. Is there any suggestions I can do this time around? Iv'e heard people say to use Fenugreek. Has anyone taken this before? I do have a pump.

**EDIT** I am editing this post to explain how much I tried to breast feed with Maddie.
I knew I *might* have a a problem breast feeding . My mom and grandmother never had any milk.
As soon as Maddie was born I put her on my breast. I was told by the nurses I was doing it right. They said Maddie latched great. I tried many many many times in the hospital to breast feed. Everytime with out a doubt Maddie would just scream. This girl was hungry and she wanted food now. She was so upset that my boobs had nothing in them. I called the lactation specialist many times during my hospital stayed but she never came to my room. So, I asked the nurses again if I was doing it right and they all said yes her latch was great but she just wasn't having it. We eneded up giving her formula. Everytime it was time to eat I put her on my breast and she would scream. ( I also would pump ever 2-3 hours regardless if she was hungry. I would even set my alarm and wake up to pump). I would put her back on and she would scream I would change the way I was holding her and she would scream. Then I would hand her to James he would feed her and I would pump. I NEVER got a drop of colostrum until day 7. I did this same routine for 2 weeks. I was exhausted and felt like a failure. Finally at day 8 I was getting a few drops of something out of my breasts and we gave it to maddie. I never got any more then a few drips. At 2 weeks I gave up. I was stressed out and sleep deprived! My boobs never really hurt at all and I quit cold turkey. This is why I *think* I never got any milk.

Anything else I need to know about boys?

Anything else you would love to tell me please leave it in the comments. I will be making a list of everything!

The day we found out Gummy was a boy...

When I was 12 weeks pregnant I went to my high risk OB and he told me he was 85-90% sure we were having a girl. I was THRILLED....OVER the MOON! I desperately wanted another girl. I only told a few people "just in case". I NEVER in a million years thought he would be wrong. He has been doing this for OVER 30 years.. He couldn't be wrong.. No way! NEVER!!!

The day he told us it was a girl my mom and I went out and bought a girl outfit and cute shoes to match! I had also been hording a bow with a "B" on it and it matched perfectly. Weeks went on and a slowly bought some more girl stuff. I have a whole collection in Maddie's room.

Fast forward to this Monday December 5th. I got up and went to work Monday morning like I always do. I was getting ready for the kids excited about my gender ultra sound on Wednesday. I went to the restroom before class started and that's when my whole day changed. I thought I lost my mucus plug. I lost it with Maddie and the next day my water broke. So, I started FLIPPING out in the restroom. I remember telling my self..STOP..and just pray. So, I did. Then I RAN to my classroom and dialed my OB. No on answered of coarse. So, I hung up and tried again this time I just started just pushing numbers. I finally got someone on the phone and told them my problem. She connected me directly to my doctors nurse. The nurse tried to assure me that she was positive it was nothing to worry about. She said I needed to come in ASAP to be checked just in case. By this time I was crying and couldn't stop. I was so scared. I just kept thinking "I cant lose another baby"...

My mom works at my school so I ran down to her classroom and told her what was going on. We both ran (ok we didn't really run) to find our assistant principal to tell them we were leaving. We found her and she told us to leave and be safe. So, mom and I left both our classes and headed to my OB. I was SO scared. I was praying the whole way to the dr. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be!

This day reminded me SO much of the day Maddie went to heaven. It was almost a reenactment. I went to my moms classroom ( thank god we have both moved classrooms). I told her the news and we both just left school praying the whole way! Ug, it really freaked me out!! I don' t want to think about that horrible day.

Finally we got to the doctor and we waited and waited and waited. I was in tears just sitting there thinking about all the things that "could" happen. FINALLY they called me back. My doctor came in and I told her I thought I lost my mucus plug. She knows our whole story. She is so kind and tried to assure me that it was VERY unlikely that I lost it. She told me she was going to check me and take some samples to make sure I didn't have an infection. She checked me and had a VERY weird look on her face. I knew it was not good. She finally said the outside of my cervix was a fingertip dilated. I asked her what that meant and she said well she didn't know until we get an ultra sound. If its bad we may have to sew up your cervix. So, I was told to go back to the waiting room and the ultra sound tech would call me ASAP.

So, we sat in the waiting room AGAIN. Tick tock tick tock.. I was SCARED! Sew up my cervix. How? I am still on my blood thinner. Does that mean I cant have any pain meds again. All of these questions were going through my head. I couldn't process it all. I was still in shock that this day felt so much like the day Maddie went to heaven.

Finally they called us back to ultra sound. They were looking for my cervix length. If it was 3 or over everything was ok. If it was 2 or under that was not good! The ultrasound tech was so sweet. She also knew our story and took her time with us. She measured my cervix and it was 3.2!!! Praise God!!!It was long enough. The teach told me it looked good. My mom and I were staring at the baby just watching "her" move. The tech asked us if we wanted to know the gender of the baby. I said, "Sure!". She started scanning and said "ohhhhhh" and there is was.... The turtle. As soon as I saw it I knew. She said , "It's a boy!!!!!". I immediately started crying. I didn't believe her. I told her to show me again, and again and again. I really didn't believe her. But after seeing the "turtle" head about 15 times I believed it. It was a boy. At that moment Brooklyn became Jackson.

Honestly, I was sad. I wanted another girl SO bad. I even dreamed about "Brooklyn". I was in shock. Everything that had happened that day was TO much to process and the day wasn't even over. We still needed to talk to the dr again to see what she wanted to do. But, a boy. HOW!?

I went back to the waiting room and waited again for the doctor. We didn't wait long when they called my name again to go back to a real room. Mom and I sat in a room waiting for the doctor which felt like YEARS. It was really like 30 minutes. But, I just wanted to know if our SON was going to be ok. Finally my doctor came into the room. She told us my cervix looked great and long. She said I am dilated from the outside but not from the inside and this is common in 2nd pregnancies. She still wanted me to come back Wednesday just to make sure everything was still ok. She told me to keep the ultra sound. She knew I needed to see the "boy" parts again for it all to sink in. I think she was shocked to that it was a boy.

I HAD to call James. There was NO way I could wait ALL day to tell him we were having a boy. So I called and and said, "Guess what?! It's a BOY!". He said, "NO WAY!!!". He didn't believe me either. But, he was so excited. He wanted me to send him a pictures of the "parts" so it could sink in for him to!

So, that is how we found out we were having a boy. It was such an emotional day. I honestly was so upset when we found out. My high risk dr was so sure it was a girl and I trusted him. I had my hopes up. I was pumped it was a girl. It took 3 days for me to really process it. We didnt tell many people until Wednesday after our 2nd gender confirmation ultra sound. I just wasn't ready. I am excited now. I think God knew we needed this. He knew having another girl would be to hard. So, he blessed us with a son. How amazing!

So, now we have to start over. Which I am excited about. Everything we have it pink. I mean EVERYTHING. I think it'll be fun picking out new stuff, but also very sad.

James and I were in a big name debate for a few days. We didn't really have a boys name picked because we thought it was a girl. James liked Blake. I liked Jackson. I like Blake but I didn't LOVE it and he didn't LOVE Jackson. So we talked about it and finally decided on Jackson. We think it goes great with Madison. Madison and Jackson. His middle name is still up for some debate.

We would love it if you could pray for baby Jackson to stay put in my belly until he is "cooked". Thanks for all your support! I will post pictures and blog about the gender reveal party soon!

It's a........

Bump Update

Here I am 15 weeks pregnant

Whats up with the baby this week:
Although many women don't start feeling the baby move until the 17th week (or later), your baby has been having his own party in the amniotic sac he calls home. If you feel a little flutter in your belly this week, don't discount it as gas or hunger. It could be your babe banging around.

Baby's head is now resting on his well-formed neck instead of directly on his shoulders like Igor. He's beginning to grow eyebrows and eyelashes this week. (All the better to give you that "Mom, you're crazy" look when he's a teenager.) The hair on the head also begins to grow and, with some creative styling, you'll be able to turn those locks into a Maddox Jolie-Pitt faux-hawk some day.

Although baby's eyes are sealed shut, he's now able to sense light. His eyes and ears finally look like real baby features now. As your baby practices sucking and swallowing actions, he may actually hiccup. You'll know he's had one too many shots of amniotic fluid by the steady thump-thump you feel.

Over the next month, baby will grow faster than ever, so make sure you load up on enough nutritious food and fluids to support his growth. Your baby now measures nearly 4 inches, about the size of a Kit Kat "finger" (regular-size, not the Big one you get at the movies), and weighs almost 2 ounces.

____________________________________________________________________
I am feeling Gummy move more and more each day. It's such a special feeling. If only James could feel it from the outside.

We are SO excited about Wednesday. My appointment is not until the afternoon so I will not post until LATE Wednesday or Thursday morning!

Come on WEDNESDAY!!!!

Decmeber sponser

I am going to start doing monthly sponsors. If would like to be a sponsor please e-mail me:
Maddiesmommadethat@gmail.com

____________________________________________________________________
Samantha Fryer Independent Scentsy Consultant is our December sponsor.

Have you tried Scentsy?

I LOVE Scentsy. They make your house smell so good! You will NEVER go back to using regular candles again!!

Here is a little bit about them:

Scentsy is a safe alternative to candles, since they are wickless, and the wax never gets hot enough to burn. Also that there are over 80 different scents to choose from with a new scent and a new warmer released every month. Also that we are more than just warmers, we have scent circles, travel tins, room sprays, solid perfume, scentsy buddies, scent paks, and fragrance foams. Scentsy is also known for the strength and longevity of its scent bars. Also maybe mention that they make great gifts for the holidays, as there is a warmer for just about everyone.

I was looking at Samantha's web page and there are a CUTE warmer I want to add to my Christmas list :

This is the Blizzard warmer- found here

My absolute favorite things from Scentsy is the travel tin and Scent circle!
I don't know which one I like better! They both leave my car smelling good for a VERY long time. I guess the tin is a little stronger. But I would DEFINITELY recommend these!

Scentsy has TONS of products...not just the plug ins. They have room sprays (which I have tried and they are awesome!). They also have hand sanitizer foam. You need to smell good when you are sanitized!

You can e-mail Samantha HERE.....samantha.fryer27@gmail.com

Her web page is here.. Go look around.

Her facebook fan page is here

Please contact Samantha for a special just for my readers by emailing her.

That is an AWESOME deal!

What a great way to buy Christmas presents and also get you a little something for FREE!!!!