I am still here

I am still here!

I have just been very busy with Jackson and teaching. I promise I will sit down soon and write a "real" blog.

As for now. We are all doing great. Jackson is getting so big and so am I! hahaha
Baby is going to be here before we know it.

4 years old

Our dearest Maddie is 4 years old in heaven today.

4 years old. How did this happen? 

This birthday has hit me pretty hard. I teach preschool and the kids in my class are 4. So, I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on how she would be acting.
I am sure she would of loved Frozen. She should be prancing around our house singing "let it goooooooooo" in the most amazing voice.
I should be singing with her being sooooo loud in her Elsa costume.
I should be painting her toenails pink because that's the only color she likes. 
I should be reading books to her about princesses.
We should be working really hard on letters and sounds to get her ready to start school soon.

I really try hard not to think about all the things she I am missing out on. I know she is doing all of it and so much more in heaven, but I just want to experience everything with her. That is one of the things I miss the most.

I don't know if being pregnant has made me so emotional this birthday, or if its just a rough patch in my grief process. I bet it's a a little of both. I think going through all her stuff has really made my grief process start in a different direction.

It's hard to think this way, but if she was still here would we have Jackson? or even Brooklynn? I cant imagine my life without them. I know she was called to heaven for a reason and one day we will find out why. As for now we need to keep our heads up. Maddie knows we love with with all our hearts and we are so grateful she is watching over her little brother and sister. Some people only dream of angels, I held one in my arms.

Happy Birthday my sweet little girl.
I know you are partying big up in Heaven. I love you to the moon and back.

Gender Reveal Party

We had our gender reveal party. It was not as big as we had the past. Really, it was just a fun time with some yummy cake. Here are a few pictures. 

 Our Jackson boy with blue hair

I made balloons that were filled with pink or blue confetti. I was very scared to pop them. EKKK

 Here we go!!

It's a..........

 GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are beyond excited to be having another girl. We found out very early on from a blood test. When my OB's nurse called and told me I hit the floor crying. It still doesn't seem real. We haven't seen her on ultrasound since we found out. We have to wait until our 20 week appointment. So, until then we wait. But, the bloodtest is 99% accurate. As a mom I just want to see the goods on ultrasound. HAHA!

Soon, we will share her name. :)

A little miracle

Thank you all SO much for the well wishes.
We are beyond thrilled to be pregnant with another miracle.

I am so sorry I haven't been posting much. I have been very sick.
Morning All day sickness is a catch22. Come on lets be real- it sucks..like bad, but its good because it tells me the baby is doing great!

This pregnancy has been very hard. Chasing a 2 year old, trying to keep up with house work and being a good wife all while trying not to throw up has been hard... like really hard. Lets not even talk about changing dirty diapers.. OMG! Some days I will tell you I don't know how I am going to make it (uhm, yesterday). Then I have other days like today that I say, "I can do this".

There is absolutely no way I could get through this without James. He has really been so great. He picked up where I have had to leave off. I know seeing your wife miserable for weeks upon weeks has to be so hard on him. I mean he goes to work all day then comes home to a crazy toddler and a wife who is about to throw up on him and a house that looks like a tornado. Seriously yall...he's amazing! (Thank you babe!)

I want to do another post on our infertility struggles. I debated and debated on blogging about this but I guess its a part of my "Story" and it needs to be told. I will save it for another day.

I hope everyone is doing great. Please pray this sickness to go far, far away! :)

Well....

 

Baby number 3 due March 3!!

Thank you and I need help!!!!

Yall are blowing me away with all the people who headed over to Instagram and started following me! Don't hesitate to comment yall!

I didnt really get to many comments on the vlogging. Maybe I'll do what someone said...just vlog the summer bucket list and more vlogging of Mr. Jackson.

Jackson has gotten so big! We haven't gone to his 2 year check up yet, but after we do I post all his stats. He is SO tall I wonder what percentage he is in.

Also, I know I have posted about this before but Jackson will not eat much at all. I mean seriously he only eats:Fruit (some not all kinds and recently he chews it up and spits it out), carrots (sometimes- mostly he spits them out), chips (goldfish or any crunchy chip), peanut butter (sometimes- and not peanut butter sandwiches), yogurt, cheese (sometimes- most of the time  no), cereal, waffles

He refuses to eat any meat, any veggies, anything that looks like a real meal, lunch meat, hotdogs,grilled cheese, p b and j sandwiches, chicken nuggets, fish sticks, mac n cheese..the list goes on and on

What do I do with him??? I have tried to only put one thing on his plate that he will eat and the other stuff like he doesn't care for (which is everything). When I did that he just ate the stuff he liked and sat and cried. I never gave in once and the next morning he still didnt seem hungry. I am just at a loss with that to do. Ive researched and tried everything I know. I'd love some suggestions. When we go for his check up I will also be asking about this.

Vlogging

Ok so I have to confess...

I tried my hand at vlogging (video blogging) and let me just say it was..... BORING!

All I did was video our daily happenings but gosh I didn't even post it because yall would be bored to death! But, I do want to start posting some videos of Jackson. He is so stinkin cute and funny. Seriously yall if you saw how smart he is you would be blown away!

Sorry Iv'e been MIA again. It's summer time and we have been busy having fun!
If you follow me on Instagram I have been posting all of our summer pictures.
I started a summer bucket list! #staatssummerbucketlist
I have been waiting to dance and play in the rain, but it has yet to rain long enough for us to even get outside!

What has everyone been up to?
Should I start vlogging?
Do you guys want to see more videos of Jackson?

A good book

I'm not really a "book" person. James says I'm to ADD to sit down and read, but when I find a book I like I will sit down and read the whole thing in a few hours.

But, honestly having a crazy two year old who has time to read?

Last night I sat down and made myself read. Well it didn't take time until I was hooked! Have you read, Sparkly Green Earrings? It is so funny and such an easy read! I will admit I didn't finish it last night, but I am about half way. Melanie Shankle wrote this big she is also a blogger!

As I was reading her book so many memories came flooding back to me about infertility, giving birth without an epidural, and then it hit....like the hurricane that it always is..... my longing for my daughter was back in full force. I miss her so much sometimes its truly unbearable. I pulled myself together just enough to go to sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling better, but I am scared to finish the book. It's not a book any other person would get upset reading. Like I said its a really funny, easy read. But sometimes random triggers flood back so many memories. They are few and far between these day, which I am grateful for.

Melanie wrote another book, The antelope in the living room, and lets be real I am going to read it!

Does anyone else have any other great books that I need to read?

How to disable the right click function on your blog

I woke up this morning to many e-mail and messages asking how to disable the right click function on your blog.

So, here we go!
1. Open Blogger
2. Go to your page elements page (dashboard--layout--page elements)
3. Click on 'add a gadget'.
4. Select 'HTML/Javascript'.
5. Go to this webpage and copy the code (I cant paste it on my page)
6. Now paste that code into the box you opened.
7. Save

Now go back to your blog and try to right click it should say 'Function Disabled'!

Hope this helped!

Protect yourself and your kids!

Have you ever thought twice about posting pictures of your children on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter? Most people haven't. In fact they cant wait to share those precious memories.

Unfortunately for my dear friend, Natalie she now second guesses it every day.

Watch her video and find out why.



I cant even remember how I "met" Natalie but we have been drawn together as two grieving moms. She lost her sweet daughter, Maddie, too. Natalie's constant support and prayers have really kept me going. She recently had another sweet girl,  Em. Natalie is the one of the sweetest Godly women I know. She befriended many people, just like me, on Facebook. As she was posting pictures of her brand new little girl and some creeper was stealing them and pretending baby Em was her own baby! Who does that?

With the Internet these days people are doing this more and more. A while back someone was stealing pictures of my Maddie pretending to of lost her. That just really make me sick!!

So what I suggest doing is look at your Facebook settings. Make sure nothing on your profile is searchable. Make all of your pictures to "friends only view". If you have a blog disable the right click option and watermark everything! I know watermarking is annoying and it is just another extra step, but its worth it. I even started watermarking my pics on Instagram. Now, I know this cant stop someone who really wants your pictures but it will definitely make it a little big harder.

All I wanted to say is be careful. Take a minute before you post something on Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook. I just want to keep our babies safe!!

Please feel free to share Natalie's story!

2 years old

I am sorry it has been so long since I last updated.
Life has been happening. We have been playing, learning, loving and just having a great time together.
I teach Pre-School and chase Jackson all day. When I get a spare minute to myself I like to sleep. :)
Now that it is about to be summer time I have made a goal to stop making excuses and start posting blogs again.

There is no better blog to come back with then this one...

Guess who turned 2?????

Yep, I cant believe it either. Jackson is 2!!

This is such a fun age!! He is into everything. His low muscle tone is not slowing him down. He can walk, run and we are working hard on learning to jump.
-He says so many words there is no way I could ever count them.
-Jackson is so funny. He is always making everyone laugh!
-He loves Mickey Mouse, coo-coo's, cars, airplanes..pretty much anything that has wheels and that can go.
-He is still in his very picky eater stage. I hope one day he will be out of it. He will not even try anything new and that is a daily struggle. A few foods he will eat (sometimes-depends on the day) are: peanut butter, fruit, that fruit pouches, crackers, cereal, yogart (which sometimes its a no go) and that's about it!
-Jackson loves being outside. He would just hangout there all day if I let him.
-He is such a boy! He loves to get dirty. The other day we left school and he played in a rain puddle and had a ball! He also dipped his feace/head in it. Ha!
-He is kinda interested in the potty but I dont think he is ready to start potty training. The maturity isnt there yet.
-Jackson has no fear. He will pretty much do anything or go anywhere. He is a little afraid of heights.
-He loves to go to the "parch" (park). Daddy and Jackson usually go once a day while I am cooking. It's their thing!
- Jackson loves our dog but a few months back they were not such great friends. Bella tried to bite him. We haven't had anymore incidents since then. Hooray!
-He loves school! I think putting him in Mothers Day out was one of the best decisions I have made for him. He is learning to share and just loves being around other kids. He has learned some bad habits but that was bound to happen.
-Jackson is such a sweet boy. He is always giving hugs and kisses and telling us we loves us.
-Words can not express how much we love this little boy. He brought sunshine after a very heavy storm. He is our Hope and our life. He is our everything. I love how he sees pictures of Maddie and says "sissy". It melts my heart!

Jackson LOVE Mickey Mouse so that was the theme for his party this year. I worked very hard on all the decorations and I think everything turned out great! Here are just a few pictures!

It was such a fun day! I still cant believe he is 2! Where has time gone?

SIDS reasearch fundraiser in honor of Maddie

A sweet lady called me a few months ago asking about Maddie. She lives next door to my grandparents and she remembered my grandparent telling her about our little girl. This sweet lady is opening a Papa Murphy's pizza here in Houston and wanted to donated money to a foundation in Maddie's name. The opening date has been pushed back many many times in the past few months. Finally a date was set...February 22nd just 5 days after Maddie's angelversary. God knew this is was perfect timing. This grand opening has really helped us to be happy that we can donate money to SIDS research and not be so sad. James and I will be at the event with the MBJ Foundation for SIDS (the foundation we decided to donate funds to). I hope all my local family and friends can stop by. There will be bean bag toss, face painting, and a chance to win wooden toys, hand-crafted by the Papa Murphy’s owners.

Here is the official link 

3 years

I don't know I have made it this far. 3 years sounds so long. How? You have been gone so long now. I still miss you so, so much every day.

Your smile, your soft skin, year sweet auburn hair, your eyes, Maddie, you were so perfect. To perfect for this world.

Maddie we miss you more then anything. I miss all the things we will never get to experience with you..a birthday, a bo bo, taking you to school, you feeding yourself, ballet class, you being a big sister, highschool, getting your license, taking you to college, picking out your wedding dress. I could go on and on. So many things we are missing!

But, we are so glad we did get to spend those 4 special months with you. Those months I will cherish forever. I am so glad I blogged about you and our memories. I am so glad I have them forever.

Thank you sweetie for making me a mom...for teaching me what real love is. You will always be my first little love...without you we may not have Jackson...thank you for sending me our Hope.

We love you so much!

Looking back

Yesterday at nap time I sat down and read all of my blogs from Maddie's birth until after she passed away.
I have never ever gone back to read that horrible post from February 17, 2011. Yesterday for some reason I felt like I needed to. I cried and cried and cried and cried. Finally I made myself stop reading.
After processing everything I am glad I did read it all. Now I know I am just a little bit stronger. I remember the days when I would lay in bed trying to get up and start my day but I couldn't physically make myself. I was so broken. I remember not eating and having so many bad days in a row. Bad days now are getting farther and farther apart. I am now stronger. That doesn't mean I miss Maddie any less. I think that is not true at all. If anything I miss her more. It's been almost 3 years since I have held her in my arms. It's just different now. I have Mr. Hope to get up for. He is what has really pushed me through this whole process. She is such a blessing so much more then he will ever understand.
As Maddie's angelversary gets closer I do become more and more sad. But, I am trying to push through and celebrate her life.

February

I hate February.
It's the most dreaded month of the year for me.
It brings back so many (excuse my language) damn memories that I just want to forget.

Being at work. chatting with my co workers. getting "the call". running to my moms classroom screaming...shaking...already knowing my baby was gone. riding in the car, crying. praying. running into the hospital. being taken to "that room". being told "she didn't make it". crying. telling James "she didn't make it". being told we couldn't see our daughter. wanting to fight the police officers. screaming inside my head. wanting to throw up. screaming. crying. being held. holding James. wanting to see my baby. being told no. being interviewed by a police officer. wanting to hold my baby. being told no. finally leaving my baby, my little girl in the hospital forever after being told I couldn't see her. we knew we had to leave but why. What were we going to do? Our baby was gone and we were not even allowed to see her. WHY???

I have tried to forget all these memories for 3 years. But this February I will remember.
I want everyone to remember my girl.
She is very much a part of me today as she was nearly 3 years ago.

When a baby dies..

I friend of mine posted this video..

It almost scared when I watched it. It's everything I am feeling. Even almost 3 years later.
Grab some kleenex ..

It's been to long

Sometimes I wonder how I have made it this far.
How have a possibly lived without her for this long.
I don't want to know exactly how long its been. I think that just makes it worse.
I feel like I'm forgetting things about her again. I want to watch her videos to remember, but when I do I just get so so so sad. It's always a catch 22.
I wish I would dream about her, but I don't. I never have. It makes me mad! But, you cant make yourself dream. Maybe its because she is so much apart of our daily lives. I don't know. I go to sleep begging my brain to let me dream of her, but it never happens.
As we are getting closer to February I feel like I get more and more sad. I really wish I could fast forward that month. I used to love it. It was my favorite. Now I despise it! It just reminds of that horrible day.
We have been teaching Jackson to say Madison and Maddie. He finally started to say it and its so cute! He knows who his sissy is. If he sees a picture of her (even at my moms) he always says, "sissy". That makes me happy and so very sad all at the same time. It's hard to explain that feeling. I love knowing Jackson knows who his sister is but it makes me so sad that she is not here.
I don't think these times of the year will ever get easier. In fact as more time goes on they may even become harder, then I remember life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it. So I have to sit back and breathe. Maddie doesn't want us to be sad and angry. She wants us to be happy. So I try and focus on the good. She is ours and always will be. She is waiting for us in heaven.

A blog about parenting after Loss

 I recently read a blog about parenting after losing a child. I did not write this, but I could of...every single word of it. Please read it.

This article can be found here

There’s a myth that floats around about parenting after losing a child if you have one (or more) still living. It assumes that since you’ve had a tremendous, life altering loss – you must be the very best parent now. Everything that annoyed you about your kids before must be cherished, each frustration seems like nothing compared to your loss, and no moment is ever wasted or taken for granted anymore.
After all, you’ve lost a child. You know how quickly life can be taken, so excellence in parenthood just comes naturally.
In fact, for most of us who have gone through the death of a child, it’s just the opposite. Most of the parents I know who have children at home are left to balance so much that it’s hard to fit normal parenting back in — much less parenting on a level of nearly holy.
There are so many roads that people take to raise a child after losing one. I’ve known parents who become consumed with the child they lost, far past the initial stages of grief. Their marriages and children suffer because of this – yet how do you let go of a life that wasn’t even close to being finished?
Others turn to complete indulgence of living children. No more discipline, no more “no’s”. They allow their children to have and do nearly anything in life with few repercussions – and what might come along as a natural consequence is smoothed over by a parent for them. Think of it this way – we all have the fear of, “What if the last thing I said to my child was something harsh?” but some parents actually live this moment in their grief.
Some still push their children away, unconsciously afraid that they might lose them too and have to suffer through this all again. Better to guard your heart from investing too much.
I think I’ve been down each road and a dozen others in my nearly 2 years of loss. I know so many other parents who have too.
Being a parent is tough no matter what the situation. However, having one of your children die takes it to a whole other level. You’re suddenly left with children who are also grieving, needing to be raised, needing boundaries and rules, needing love and attention – along with all the day-to-day life that takes place as you try to put pieces of a new normal together. Your heart aches for the child that’s gone, while the others wait for Mommy and/or Daddy to come back.
Living a life without a child is hard. It’s an unnatural order of things. Since very few people want to talk about death, and even less want to know anything about what this is like, we’re all thrust into this giant tunnel of darkness with no idea what to do or where to turn. We’re exhausted from grief and trying to be grateful and thankful for the children we do have – which so many of us are reminded of on a continual basis.
That doesn’t help anyone grieving. 
If you’re finding that you are slipping further away from the parent you were or want to be, seek help. Look for a therapist for you and your child. Sam and I struggle constantly with raising Bella after losing 3 children, but our therapist and hers tend to give us a shove back to reality when we get too far off track.
We could not do this alone. Let me repeat that – we could not. We have a solid marriage and a strong faith, but this would have destroyed us as people and parents had we not found help. Even then, it feels like most days we hang on by a thread. I worry constantly about Bella growing up a total disaster because we failed.
It is not easy to parent after a loss. It’s harder when the expectation is that you’re doing an even better job now since you know how it feels to lose a child. Don’t let that projection stop you from reaching out to someone else.
Then cut yourself some slack when you do – because you’re here. You’re still standing. You’re trying. You are an amazing parent no matter what stage of grief you’re in, and I promise that it won’t feel just like this forever.

Update on us!

We are all doing great!
Jackson: Is a spunky little guy who loves to wake up early! He has a car obsession already! He LOVES toy cars, real cars, well really just about anything that moves. He got so many cars for Christmas.  My  little Boston love calls them "cas". If he see a car he screams, "It's a ca, It's a ca, It's a CA!!". He gets it from his daddy.
He is doing great! He is saying so many words. Right now he repeats everything you say.
He is also fearless. New Years Eve I thought he was going to be so scared of the fireworks, but was I wrong! He would try to run towards the fireworks as we set them off. Yeah, I think I am going to have my hands full!!
Since we are no longer doing PT. We are going to go try out gymnastics with a friend of ours. I think gymnastics will really help him!


Me: I am doing good. I still have my days when I am very sad. This past Christmas was the easiest one yet. Seeing Jackson so excited and happy really helped James and I to not be so sad. Sure, we still missed our girl but Jackson has really helped us to heal. Teaching pre-school has kept me sane...seriously (if you are a mom you know what I mean). I love it! My kids are so sweet and SO smart!! I am so glad I have ventured down this path. I get to do what I love and Jackson is getting the peer interaction he needs. The germs I dont care so much for, but I think Mothers Day Out has been so good for him.

James: He's doing great too. He is such a wonderful daddy. He works so hard for Jackson and I. He is so involved with Jackson. I love watching them play. They are both so happy!

 We had these taken before Christmas. It was freezing and Jackson wouldn't smile.

I am here!

Hey!
I'm back!

I didn't mean to take a break ...honestly...it just kinda happened.

Were all doing great!

Actually were wonderful! Jackson had a PT evaluation yesterday, and he is back to age level in his gross motor skills..so that means.... NO MORE PT!! Go Jackson. That also means I am chasing him everywhere! (He can run fast) :) We are so proud of him!!!!!

I promise I will do a full update tomorrow!!