Chicago

This weekend was AMAZING! It is going to be very hard to put into words how I felt this weekend. I just feel so GREAT, like a new person.

My mom and I got to Chicago very late on Friday. We were exhausted from teaching all day and by the time we got to the hotel and laid in bed it was midnight. I was SO excited about my conference I finally drifted off to bed at 2:30. Just a few hours later my alarm starts buzzing at 6:30...I didn't care because I was READY to go. I was ready to learn!!

My mom and I went to a yummy breakfast spot called eggsperience. Then we walked around the streets of Chicago. We saw the biggest McDonald's in America (the cab driver told us that not sure if its true). We walked up and down the streets and then it was time to go back to the hotel so I could go to my conference.

So, we went back to our room back up my camera bag and headed to the 6th floor. I was nervous. My stomach hurt and I wasn't feel well. This is strange for me I usually don't get to nervous.

MeRa started the conference and she is so sweet and kind. She makes you feel so good about yourself. The first day we learned all about out camera and we were promised w would feel confident and comfortable behind the camera by day two. Just as I was starting to really understand why we do certain thing on camera, it was time to a baby shoot. Yes, I freaked out to for many reasons. 1. I was not SO certain I understood what we just learned. 2. I haven't shot or really been around babies to much since Maddie passed away. (These babies were all different ages from 6 weeks to 9 months..). But I knew I NEEDED to practice to understand what I was doing.

I think I did pretty well. I didnt cry! I was so focused on my camera and the shoot that I was very calm and just having fun!!



Day 2 we learned more camera fundamentals and also more of the business side of things. We also had a family photo shoot. Let me just be honest I felt defeated. It was raining and very dark outside. We do not use flashes unless we HAVE to and well I dont have one...So, I had a VERY hard time. I did not actually get a photo that I would share with a family. MeRa said she would of canceled the photo shoot that day, I would of too! You have to set your self up for success right??

This weekend was AMAZING. Me Ra make me feel so special and important. She walked around and helped everyone. All the ladies there were so sweet. I just REALLY loved it. I would DEFIANTLY recommend this workshop for anyone.

So, today I am exhausted but relaxed. It was a weekend I really needed. It was a weekend that I felt like "Kellie", not that lady who lost her baby. Yes, I am glad Maddie's memory is alive and well but sometimes I feel like that is all I am now...that lady who lost her baby. This is the new me. My new journey.

So, now I have all these new tools in my box..I can't wait to take them out and use them!!

Here is Me Ra shooting us after our long weekend together!!

Stronger

I have been very strong the past couple of days. I am so proud of myself!

I went and met baby Chase. I knew it was going to be hard, but I was not sad! I was very happy. Happy for my best friend…happy for a new life…happy to meet baby Chase. He is so small . I don’t remember Maddie being so small and SO stinkin’ cute!!!! Catherine is such a GREAT mommy. I can't wait to go over and play with her boys this summer!!!!

Remember I will be VERY busy this weekend. I will not be able to blog much. I will update on Monday!

It’s also my mommies birthday this weekend.. So, Happy birthday to the BEST mother in the world!!!! I LOVE YOU!!

Busy...

I think one of the hardest part about this summer is going to be time alone. When I am alone I get sad. I start thinking..wondering..remembering..then I start crying..and CANT stop.

So, I promised my self this summer I would stay busy. Busy with photography, busy making bows, busy cleaning, busy hanging out with friends. I HAVE to stay busy!!!

Catherine

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints on your heart.

Today my best friend Catherine gave birth to her second child, Chase. She will forever have a special place in my heart.

Catherine has helped me through so many things.

She was there during the 8 moths when I cried and told her I was never going to be able to get pregnant. She kept telling me I would when the time was right. She held my hand, she helped me through.

She was there (through text) while I was in labor. I remember texting her saying, “I want to give up..” But she kept saying “No, you can’t..This is your day..You can do it!!”

She was there at 2am when Maddie had colic and I had no clue how to try and calm her down.

She helped me through all my breast feeding issues, cheering me on. Even tho I never had any milk and decided to give up, she was the one to assure me I did everything right.

She was there on that horrible day when we found out Maddie went to be with Jesus. She held me and James and told us it would be ok.

She was the one who brought me coffee and James a soda just a few days after the worst day of my life, just to let me know she was thinking of us.

She was the one who was pregnant during this hard time. She was the one who went to the funeral and saw my baby’s sweet body in the casket, yes she was not scared. She just wanted to be there for me..now that is a true friend.

Now it’ my turn. I am going to be there for her through the very hard first few weeks (and beyond). One baby is hard, two babies must be VERY hard. But, I will be there. I will be the strong one from today on!!

Here he is …baby Chase.

Chase Zakary Day... May 24th...6lb 15oz...19 1/2 inch...12:53pm

Also, I added a new item to my shop...A baby door hanger for the hospital. I made this one for Catherine!!

YUMMMMMY recipes

I saw these recipes on another blog and I want to cook them now!!!!

Coconut Chicken

12 chicken tenders
1-2 eggs (start with one and crack another if it runs out)
1/2 C flour
1 C sweetened coconut flakes
1 C panko bread crumbs
1 tsp garlic powder
3/4 tsp table salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1/4 tsp onion powder

preheat oven to 450 degrees.
Give coconut a rough chop so it's about the same size as the panko pieces.
Combine it with Panko and spices in a shallow dish. Mix well to distribute all of the spices.
Place the flour in another shallow dish, and the egg in another. Give the egg a quick beating.
Working with a few chicken tenders at a time, dredge in flour. Dip in egg, then finally coat in the coconut Panko mixture. Press in with your fingers to make sure the entire thing is well coated.
Place chicken tenders on a foil-lined baking sheet that has been sprayed with non-stick cooking spray. You can drizzle or spray olive oil on top for a crispier tender.
Bake in 450 degree oven for about 20 minutes or until juices run clear. If tenders are on the small side, they could even be done in about 15 minutes. If they're big they can take more like 25. The coconut will be nice and golden and the panko crisp, but light in color still.

Pineapple Dipping Sauce

1 cup yogurt (I've used pineapple yogurt too)
1 can pineapple tidbits
2 Tbsp powdered sugar
1/4 cup coconut
2 Tbsp coconut milk

combine all, refrigerate until ready to use.

The great thing about this recipe is you can change it up a bit. I've bought pineapple yogurt and just used that. I've substituted sour cream when I didn't have yogurt. I've omitted the coconut milk and just added coconut. Play around with it until it's to your liking. The above recipe is my fav though.

Mexican Chicken

1 whole chicken OR 4 chicken breast

10 pkg flavored Doritos (I've used anything from plain chips to spicy flavored chips. Choose what you like), crushed

1/2 or 1 whole onion or 1 Tbsp minced onions

1 cup chicken broth

1 can cream of celery soup

1 can cream of chicken soup

1 can rotell tomatoes

1 Tbsp chili powder

16 oz cheddar cheese

Start out by layering the bottom of a 9x13 pan with crushed chips, then onion, chicken and pour the broth over the top. In a bowl combine the cream soups (I've also used 2 cream of chicken soups) with the rotell (I've also mixed crushed tomatoes with green chilis when I haven't been able to find rotell overseas) and chili powder. Pour over other ingredients and top with cheese. Bake at 400 for 30 minutes

Roasted Ravioli's
2 tablespoons milk

1 egg

3/4 cup Italian seasoned bread crumbs (this can easily be done by just adding some basil and oregano to some plain bread crumbs)

1/2 teaspoon salt (optional)

1/2 (25 ounce) package frozen raviolis (any flavor)

vegetable oil for frying (enough to generously cover the bottom of the pan, but you don't want too much)

grated Parmesan cheese

marinara sauce

Combine milk and egg in a small bowl. Place breadcrumbs and if desired, salt in a shallow bowl. Dip ravioli in milk mixture, then coat with breadcrumbs.

In a large heavy pan, pour oil about an inch deep. Heat oil over medium heat until a small amount of breading sizzles and turns brown. Fry ravioli, a few at a time, 1 minute on each side or until golden. Drain on paper towels. Sprinkle with Parmesan cheese and serve immediately with hot marinara sauce.

All recipes from here...enjoy!!!!!

Who ever said this would get easier?

I thought this was supposed to get easier? I feel like its getting harder. As time goes on I miss Maddie more and more.

This summer is going to be hard. There were so many things I wanted to do with her like go swimming, hang out with Mimi, just spend time with her and not work. I wish I could do all of those things.

Today James and I went to Target to grab some stuff that I had coupons for and we walked by the baby clothes. They had the cutest little girl bathing suits, and that hurt. I am a swimmer. I swam for years, and I love swimming. So, I was really looking forward to swimming with Maddie. Seeing those bathing suits was like a dagger in my heart. I won't get to see her face when I put her in the pool for the first time. I won't get to spend this summer with her just hanging out. I won't get to make her bows that perfectly match her 4th of July outfit.

I keep trying to cheer myself on. Telling my self I can do this, but at some point you get tired. You get weak and I think I am getting to that point. I need to stay focused. I can get through this. I will get through this.

James is one of the many reasons of why I am so strong. He picks me up when I am down. He cheers me on when I just don't think I can go on. In everything I do, the stregnth I have is for him and our Maddiegirl.

I love you Maddiebug.

Camera Strapand Polish

Many of you were wondering where I found this beauty...


I found it on Etsy. The company is Houston based and its called Snappy Straps.

We have been in contact with each other. They are planning on offering my readers a discount off their precious camera straps in the in the month of June. So, if you wait to order you could be getting a GREAT deal!!!

The only problem is...There are SO many cute straps.. Which one do you pick???

This one....

or this one...


Has anyone ever used Shellac?

Here is what it is: Shellac is a breakthrough, patent-pending UV3 technology that combines the ease of polish with the permanence of gels. No other products in the market
can stand up to the claim – on like polish, wears like gel, off in minutes.

It's the new trend in nail polish . When Catherine and I went to get our nails done they had it sitting out and I really wanna try it. Is it worth the extra money?? I think I am loving it.. I wanna TRY it!!!

7

Only 7 more days until school is out.. Can you tell I'm counting?

I need a break! I deserve a break!

No, really I need a vacation. A LONG vacation...on a beach, with a nice big drink and an umbrella.

Only 7 more day... Only 7 more days!!!

I also have been eying this new camera straps. I heart this one:

It reminds me of Maddie's room. Don't you love it???

Game

I hate this game of sorrow. There are so many ups and downs.

Yesterday was definitely a good day. I was feeling optimistic and ready to tackle the future. Today, I am sad, depressed, and really missing Maddie. Maybe its the weather today its kinda yucky outside. I don't know. But these ups and downs are not something I am used to.

I keep telling myself life has to get better. I really don't know how it could get worse...but I'm still waiting for "the better".

I feel like the only way it can be "better" is to have Maddie back, and I know that is not possible!
So, here I sit today sad, depression and longing for my daughter who I will not see again for a long time.


Maddie,
I wish I could hold you right now. Mommy is having a hard day. Your perfect smile and cute laugh always made me feel good.
I talk to you all the time, I hope you can hear me. I really wish you could talk back.
I bet you look so beautiful with you wings and halo.
Daddy and I love you so so much. We miss you every second of the day.
Love,
Mommy

Turn Around?

I have been very optimistic since we got back from our mini vacation. I think it really helped me heal a little bit.

Also knowing that summer starts in 9 more school days, I'm sure is helping! I have so much to do this summer and I am SOOOOO excited...blocks to make, I am opening up my shop to custom bow orders, many many photo sessions to shoot...and I am planning our 2nd wedding anniversary weekend!

I am really trying to stay positive..but I know next month will be hard. Next month is the turning point... The point of time when Maddie will be heaven longer then she was with us, and it hurts. I hate even typing those words. It's just NOT fair! I have heard from other angel mommies that day is unbearable and I am NOT looking forward to it at all.

So right now I am going to stay optimistic and excited about this summer. Hopefully you will see pictures of me tan REALLY soon!! :)

Mini Vaca and Questions Answered

James, my mom and I packed up our bags and headed to Dallas last weekend. Went went to an old neighbors wedding. It was SO nice to have a little weekend get away.

The wedding was very nice, and we had so much fun!

James and I before the wedding

The grooms cake. Soooooo yummy!!!

Saturday Maddie would have been 7 months old, so it was nice to kinda “get away” and try to have some fun. We were celebrating her life!

More questions answered:

-Do you know how many kids you want to have? We would like to have 2 more. Ok Well I’d like to have 2 more, but we just don’t know yet. :)

-How is your extended family coping with the loss of Maddie. I'm sure they are all devastated especially your parents, but are they making their way in these horrible shoes?Everyone has taken this pretty hard..my friends, family, co-workers. They are all trying to deal with it the best way they know how. There is no book of what to do and how to act, so I think that is the hardest part.

-I think I remember that you and your mother work at the same school. Do you spend a lot of time with each other for support? Yes, we do spend a lot of time together. We always have! My mom and I have an amazing relationship. It’s something I know Maddie and I have even tho she is in heaven. She does work in the same school as me, actually across the hall! I am a third generation teacher.

-Also is there a way that you know of to block mean commenters? Or find out who they are? Once I defended you here on your blog from a mean commenter (it was in April actually) and that commenter later came to my blog and left unpleasant comments there.Unfortunately with blogger you can not “block” people. I wish I had an answer for that. If someone knows how please let us know!!!

-I'm wondering if you've had any further correspondence with the babysitter who was caring for Maddie. No I have not. Maddie’s case is still under investigation.

-Where do you get the wood blocks for the names/photo blocks you do? Home Depot

-When are you guys going to start trying for another baby? We will start trying when God and Maddie are ready for us to.They are in charge.

-I was wondered this. How well did you know Maddies babysitter? I’m just wondering if she was family or a friend or someone who was recommended to you. I researched and did in home visits to many home babysitters. Maddie’s sitter was recommended to us from a co-worker. She was very well qualified and has babysat for many years.

-Have you read the book heaven is for real? Yes, its amazing! I’d recommend it to anyone!

RANT

**Disclaimer. I am MAD! I have had a HARD day..**

No one will ever understand what I am feeling until they step in my shoes. Once you are in my shoes you can never take them off.

I hate my shoes. I want to chop of my legs to get them off, but that is not even a possibility. I am stuck in these same nasty ugly shoes until I die.

My daughters monthly birthday's may not seem "important" and a big deal, but they are to me! It's little things like that I hang on to. It's those days when I miss her the most. It's those days when I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to eat...I don't even want to go on.

So, unless you have on these ugly shoes. Until you have to plan your child's funeral, pick out their casket, write their headstone..Don't tell me how to feel. Thank you.

Cleaning schedule and questions answered

I think I have come up with a tentative cleaning schedule

I have not tried it out yet so if it needs to be adjusted I can do that.

Monday: Master bathroom, Quick Dusting all rooms, pick up/organize master bedroom

Tuesday- Sweep, mop every other week, wash sheets

Wednesday- Start laundry, clean guest bathroom

Thursday- Finish laundry, full kitchen cleaning

Friday- Office clean up (re sort and organize), vacuum bedroom

Questions answered:

1. What kind of camera do you use? I have a Canon Rebel XSi. I would like to get a new camera someday soon :)

2. What do you use to edit photos, or are they straight out of the camera? I edit my photos with Light room. It is MUCH easier then Photoshop. I really enjoy editing pictures. It takes a very long time, but editing makes your photos look great!

That's all I got.. If you have any more questions please leave them in the comments ..Thanks!

12 weeks

I was on maternity leave for 12 weeks…I enjoyed my dream job (a stay at home mom) for 12 weeks. It was awesome! I loved every minute of it. I wish I could go back to those 12 weeks. Maddie and I enjoyed many lunch dates with friends, time alone, hugs, kisses, snuggles,walks in the park and lots of play time! Those were the days….

Sadly today Maddie has been gone for 12 weeks.

It seems like just yesterday James and I were playing with her in her bouncy chair in her room. But in reality it was a long time ago..12 weeks is really 3 months

My heart is heavy today. My heart hurts today.

I still cant believe this in our life..that Maddie is really gone. Is this is real. I still HATE this new life ,but I am learning to live with this pain…which is something no mother should have to do…. live with a hole in her heart.

But today 12 weeks later I can say with all the support I have been so graciously give I am another day stronger. I am here. I got out of bed this morning, and I am keeping Maddie's memory alive!

I love you Maddie. I hope you are having fun today with AnnaKathryn, Macie, and Tyler. Give them all hugs and kisses for me.

Total NERDY post...

TOTAL NERDY post ahead:

I LOVE a clean house, but HATE to clean.

This summer I promised James I would be better at keeping the house picked up. James and I both HATE spending our weekends cleaning. So I WILL get better!

I LOVE lists and plans. So, can ya'll share your cleaning schedules? I'd like to do a little bit each day. For example:

Monday: Wash my clothes, sweep the floors
Tuesday: Wash James clothes , vacuum

I would love to see an example of a schedule to help me remember stuff I may of forgotten to put on my list.

***Please pray for us tomorrow.. It's Thursday again.. :(***

17 and some great deals..

17 days until Chicago. I am BEYOND excited. This Texas gal is getting out of the Lone Star State!!!

Does anyone have any suggestions of where to eat dinner in Chicago? I will be in class most of the day, so at night my mom and I will be enjoying the town. I wish we could stay for longer, but I have to get back to work for the last few days of school.

I am still in mommy mode. When I won this contest I thought for a split second, "Who is going to watch Maddie?", but she has the best babysitter of all Jesus.

Thank you for all the supporting comments when the anonymous person tried to bring me down..... Well, it didn't work!! He/She didn't succeed.. They only made me stronger!


I want to share some GREAT finds:
-Check out this amazing Groupon deal for DiapersDirect.com. For just $25 you can get a voucher for $50 to use on all sorts of Drugstore type items such as diapers, wipes, feminine products, medicine, contraceptives and more! Just GO HERE!!!

-Have you tried McDonald’s frozen drinks yet? I haven't but I plan on going tomorrow!!! Click HERE to print $1.00 off 1 Frozen Strawberry Lemonade, Frappe or Real Fruit Smoothie. The coupon is good on any sized drink now through June 15th!




I have been asked lots of questions lately, and I would LOVE to answer them all. Please leave your questions in the comments section and I'll post the answers!

D Family

I had a blast shooting the "D" family on Saturday. We had many wardrobe changes, lots of candy and tons of fun! Here are some of my favs!

Impossible Day

Last Mothers Day I was an excited momma to be. 17 weeks pregnant to be exact. We were waiting for our BIG gender reveal party. I was proud, happy, and pregnant.

This Mother's Day was much different.

It was hard day. A day filled with many many tears. I think today has been one of the hardest day so far.

I should be holding my 6 1/2 month baby girl. We should be dressed in matching outfits going over to Mimi, and Nana's. But insted today I woke up on Mother's Day with only a baby in my heart. Maddie is no longer in my arms, so I do not feel like a mom.

I kept telling my self it will be ok, to just pretend like today is any other day, but that was impossible to do.

I hate this.

I hate today. How am I supposed to "do this"? Not today.. I just want to go to bed and for this to be over. Today is impossible.

But you see I can't.. This is my new life. I cant "take off these shoes".

Tomorrow I will wake up with the same feelings of wondering why?..Why Maddie? She was so healthy, so happy, so perfect. Why didn't we get to say goodbye? Would this of been any bit easier if we could of said good bye...probably not. We just have so many unanswered questions still.

Here we are our first family picture. Taken just a few minutes after Maddie was born. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Even with all the physical pain I'd go back to that day in a heartbeat to be with our Maddie again.

We miss you so much baby girl. Mommy and Daddy love you.

Parents..

This school year has been hard for me..I have been through a range of emotions happy, tired, sad, devastated, and glad...but I always tried to keep a happy positive face in class.

Friday I got a thank you note from a parent and I will cherish it for the rest of my life.

It said..

"Thank you so much for making my son's first year of school so enjoyable. Even with all that has happened this school year, you have managed to foster a joy and love of school in my son, and I can only hope that any teacher he has in the future is half as good as you"

WOW. That makes me feel good. She is right. This year has been SO hard. As hard as it was to go back to work my class has given me hope..hope to one day be a mom again..hope to be happy again one day.. hope that I can reach my dreams!!

These kids are so special to me..when I am sad at school they know just when to give me a hug , say something sweet or color me a picture. They have really helped me heal.

But I did realize.. This is my 4th year of teaching Kindergarten. I have gotten 4 sweet thank you notes from parents in 4 years...and let me tell you these are the BEST gifts. You don't have to spend money on a teacher, don't buy her (or him) a gift.. just send a note. It really does make us realize why we do our job.

Guess what???

I have a secret….

I have been talking to Me Ra Koh.

and guess what???

I won the Chicago confidence workshop contest!

SO...........

I'm going to Chicago to go to her wonderful confidence photography conference!

I am so EXCITED …

I have been keeping this secret and I want to shout it now… YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited…

So, in a few weeks my mom and I will be packing up and going to CHICAGO!!!!!!!!! (Maybe I can run into Oprah..hahaha)

Another good day..

I could get used to this :)

Today was a fun day!

My Kindergarten team and I hosted my teaching partner, Jessica's bridal shower at school...

It was SO much fun..

I took TONS of pictures but my hubby is on our desktop computer so I cant post them today..

BUT

I can post these..

I made these for Jessica! I am soooooooooooo excited to share them!!!! Aren't they cute??? They have her new last name on them. Add your name to my block list and you can have some of these too :)

YAY! Congratulations Jessica! (Tomorrow I will post her shower pictures)

Recipes

Catherine shared these 2 easy recipes with me. They are staples around my house so I thought I would share:

Chicken Alfredo
1 jar Bertolli Classic Alfredo Sauce
-Pin Wheel noodles (or any noodles of your choice)
-frozen peas
-chicken

Directions: (I never measure when I cook I just add..SORRY!)
-Cook chicken (I usually cook it in the glass pan with salt and pepper).
-Cut Chicken up
-While chicken is cooking start cooking the pasta then drain
-In a baking dish mix cooked cut chicken pieces, Bertolli alfredo sauce, and peas
-Bakes at 350 degrees for around 30 minutes and PRESTO dinner is served.





Chicken Spaghetti
-Velveta (1/4 of the big package)
-noodles
-Rotel
-chicken
-milk

Directions: (I never measure when I cook I just add..SORRY!)
-Cook chicken (I usually cook it in the glass pan with salt, pepper and garlic powder).
-Cut Chicken up
-While chicken is cooking start cooking the pasta then drain
-Open Rotel and drain
-In a baking dish mix chicken,Velveta (1/4 or more of the package), Rotel, and noodles (then add a little bit of milk)
-Cook on 350 for about 15minutes.

then DINNER is READY its yummmmmmmmmmo :)

Today...

Today was a MUCH better day!!

I must say today was a good day!!!!

I love having good days! I know Maddie was right beside me all day.....just flying around with her mommy :)

I read this today and I really think it fits:
Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain.

Bad day

I'm have a bad day.. Nothing happened to make it bad..no one said anything to make me upset. I'm just not in a good mood and I hate it! I want to be happy. When can we be happy again, when can we just catch a break?

I watched some movies of Maddie last night and it really upset me. I just keep thinking, "this isn't fair!!" and its not!!!!!! In a few weeks we should be celebrating Maddie's 7 month birthday, but were not. I should be dressing her up in her cute birthday outfit, but I'm not. All I have now are pictures..just memories of our angel and it kills me.

I felt like I have been strong..but you can only be so strong before you break.

I want my daughter back. Plain and simple.

I HATE THIS SHOES I'M WEARING! I want to take them off and burn them!!!!!!

International Babies Lost Mothers Day

Today is International Babies Lost Mothers Day.

To celebrate Michelle, her family, James, my mom and I did the (maraton) 5 mile March of Dimes walk. We had fun huffing, puffing, chatting and sweating the whole way. It was spectacular seeing all the people there supporting premature babies.

The Start

Look at all the people!!!

Michelle and I with our angel shirts

We bought Maddie a butterfly!! AnnaKathryn and Maddie's butterflies were all alone... not in the pack...but we found them!!

My mom James and I ...

Well the good thing is we all made it! All 5 MILES.. That's a long way when you have not worked out in over a year!!!! I think we are going to be pretty sore tomorrow..

Happy Mother's Day to all my angel mommy friends. I know next weekend is going to be hard. I am going to devote next weekend to my mom , mother in law and grandmothers. It's their weekend! I hope this will make it easier for me.