Bad day

I'm have a bad day.. Nothing happened to make it bad..no one said anything to make me upset. I'm just not in a good mood and I hate it! I want to be happy. When can we be happy again, when can we just catch a break?

I watched some movies of Maddie last night and it really upset me. I just keep thinking, "this isn't fair!!" and its not!!!!!! In a few weeks we should be celebrating Maddie's 7 month birthday, but were not. I should be dressing her up in her cute birthday outfit, but I'm not. All I have now are pictures..just memories of our angel and it kills me.

I felt like I have been strong..but you can only be so strong before you break.

I want my daughter back. Plain and simple.

I HATE THIS SHOES I'M WEARING! I want to take them off and burn them!!!!!!

My shoes

Someone send me this poem and I couldn't of wrote it better myself..

My shoes...

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am.. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Sometimes..

Sometimes I don't know if I can take this feeling any longer. Emptiness, loneliness, the long to feel Maddie's sweet touch again..but then I realize I HAVE to...for her, for James, for me, and for our future children. Don't think I would do anything stupid.. This feeling just hurts. I want to wake up for this horrible dream!!

I have been struggling with the fact that I'm still a mom, but I really don't feel like it. Yes, I do go and decorate Maddie's grave..I talk to her all day... but I can't physically take care of her and it hurts. It's almost like she is my mom. She is in heaven taking care of me. When I need a hug the wind blows. When I need to know she is still around her face appears in the clouds. When I am having a hard day a lady bug will land on my arm. Maddie is taking care of me. I just wish I could take care of her....I am really struggling with this, but I am doing the best I can. I am keeping her memory alive. I am trying to hold on.

Everyone asks me , "How are you doing?". I usually say , "I'm ok"..but I want to scream..."How do you think I'm doing? I am missing half my heart. I am barely hanging on...but I'm here".

I am just waiting for time to ease my pain.

This picture was taken just a few days before Maddie went to heaven.

Somethings..

Somethings just really make me sad! I can be in a GREAT mood, see something and start crying out of no where. I am sure this will happen for a while, but yesterday it hit me hard. I was fine...in a good mood and then I saw a baby the same age as Maddie and lost it. I love babies and I am so happy for friends that are pregnant. There is no better feeling then the love of a child I want to fast forward this part of the part of grieving, but I know that wont help.

I was watching the OWN network the other day. The new show, "Addicted to food" was on. This is what it is about "In this riveting new docu-series, eight people battle their addiction to the one thing they literally can't live without: food. At Shades of Hope, a rural Texas treatment center, these desperate clients struggle through an intense 42-day treatment plan led by maverick therapist Tennie McCarty. Using unorthodox methods and a tough-love approach, Tennie asks her clients to confront the painful issues in their lives that have led them to use food as an escape. Full of drama, emotion and triumph, Addicted to Food shows us that recovery is possible even for people who fear their lives are hopeless." The lead therapist Tennie McCarty was telling her clients they must confront and recognize their problem before they can start to crawl over the hump to recovery. Now I know I don't have an addiction, but I feel like this advise refers to me and the grieving process..For a long time I didnt want to belive Maddie was really gone, but that is not reality. She is gone and now that I am begenning to accept that I can slowly start to crawl over the hill into happiness. Some days I do not want to believe that she is gone, and that is when I need to remind myself of what Tennie McCarty said....but that is easier said then done.

I also started thinking about Mother's Day :(...I want to skip that holiday. I know I will always be Maddie's mommy, but I dont feel like a mom any more and that hruts :(.
My friend Michelle and I are going to celebrate International Babies Lost Mothers Day on May 1st. We are going to have a girls day and go get mani's and pedi's and try to make it a fun day.


(Just a little business to take care of Daphne I neede to to e-mail me :))