The flowers are dying..

Today is the day when James goes back to work.. I knew it was coming but I was trying hard not to think about it. I haven't been alone since this happened. James and I have been side by side the whole time (except when I went to take pictures of Catherine-she was with me then). So today I have to be strong for me, for James and for Maddie. I am going to try hard to keep busy. Heck-I have a whole photography business to learn about. I have lots to do: clean our house, wash clothes, learn how to take pictures, write thank you notes. But I don't want to do anything but lay in bed. But I have to.. I will. I cant stay in bed the rest of my life.

The flowers are dying.. This hurts.. Its just a reminder that Maddie is gone. Now they are starting to smell. Tomorrow we are going to have to throw some of the arrangements away. I don't want to. I would keep all of them in our house forever but I don't think it would smell so great.

Strange things keep happening to me. Well maybe they are just normal things but they seem strange.
-Two nights ago James and I were laying in bed. He got up to do something and I looked over at the bed and saw Maddie's pink ribbon that we wore at the funeral. We put those pins up. We have no idea how it got into bed.
-One of my friends gave me angel wing earrings. Somehow I lost the back to one of them. Last night I was laying in bed and I felt something weird. I picked it up and it was the back to my earring. Now you know how hard it is to find those and I just randomly found it in our King size bed 2 days later??
-James left for work this morning at 4. At 5:30 the smoke detector started beeping. It really freaked me out. ((When I was on bed rest with Maddie. I was big and pregnant. They told me to not get up for anything...only to shower, use the rest room and eat. Well I was laying in bed one morning and the fire detector started beeping. I had to call my dad to come fix it because it was driving me nuts!!!)) Same thing happened this morning. James left, it started beeping. I couldn't believe it. Finally after talking myself into getting out of bed (I was so scared) I took the battery out of it and it was STILL beeping. Eventually I realized it was the unit itself and I took it to the garage. BUT can you believe this??? THEN...I turned on the TV because I wasn't tired. I watched 5 minutes of tv and a box comes up that says check your connection....so the CABLE goes out!!!! I told Maddie to stop playing jokes on mommy.

Pray that I can get through today by myself.

It's been a rough morning..

This morning I woke up and immediately felt bad. I dreamed of Maddie all night. We were playing, talking, laughing and then I woke up to reality. One day I will appreciate those dreams, but now they just make me sad.

Then, I got a call from a hospital here in town. I called them on Friday to let them know our situation and tell them why I have not paid our bill. I didnt answer. The voice mail went like this, "I am so sorry for your loss. We can write off your bill, but we need a death certificate...". REALLY??? you want proof that my baby is DEAD!!! Why would I be making this up? It's really sad if someone has tried to scam them like that before. I have been told it will take months to get her death certificate. What really breaks my heart is that I never sent off for Maddie's birth certificate. I thought they did that for you.. but they dont. Can I still get it now? She was here.

Today is the Tiny Wings Auction at 12:00 there are some really cute items. We want to say thanks to Megg for putting it all together.

What happened...

Many people have asked me if we know exactly what happened to our sweet Maddie and the answer is no. This is what we do know:

She went down for a nap at the babysitters. When the sitter went to check on her she was blue and not breathing. Maddie always slept in her swaddle blanket but she had started pulling her arms out of it. She loved to eat and she would always suck on her hands. Moving her arms around would always wake her up so she would start out to night in her swaddle blanket but in the morning her arms were out. Here is a picture of one. The babysitter said when she went into the room Maddie's arms were out of the swaddle blanket. So we do not think she got smothered from the blanket.
We are not sure if the babysitter did CPR or not, but she did call 911. When the paramedics got there Maddie was already gone. We haven't spoke to the babysitter since that horrific day. I want to ask her if Maddie was happy before she went down for a nap, but I just cant..not yet or maybe ever.

The babysitter did not have a monitor. I should of know that wasn't right. We have a video monitor and I would recommend it to anyone. I would also recommend the angel care monitor. This monitor detects movement and breathing. I cried yesterday for a long time because I didn't know about this monitor...but I cant keep "what if-ing" my self. We WILL have both of those monitors for our next baby...and I am sure I will still be a nervous wreck.

We were told it could be months until we really know what happened. They are telling us its most likely SIDS. I am just praying Maddie didn't get a hold of something in her bed and suffocate her self. I pray she fell asleep and just never woke up.

Maddie's swaddle blanket was like magic. As soon as we put it on her she fell right to sleep. I now sleep with her swaddle blanket every night and so far its helping me sleep. It smells like her. It makes me think for just a second she is still here.

This has to get easier..

Trying to get back to the new "normal" I think is the hardest part. What is normal when I feel like I've forgotten something every time I do something?

We went from "that couple with a baby" to "that couple that just lost their baby".Everyone is scared of us. We just want to be like everyone else. I may cry at random times , but we wont bite. I know most of this is because no one knows what to say or do. Believe us we dont know what to say or do. We are just trying to find out new normal.

Today we went to the grocery store. I have been dreading going there. My major goal as a mommy was to NEVER pay full price for formula or diapers so I spent lots of time in the grocery stores. We had to go to the store today.. I didnt want to.. I knew it was time.. So, we went to the store with no baby, and no list. If you know me...going to the store with no list is CRAZY! We just kinda wondered around like zombies. We didn't buy much. I am still not really eating, so nothing looked good. Thankfully there were not many babies there. We did good until we walked by the baby isle and I almost lost it...but I didn't. I held my head up high grabbed James arm and kept walking. I didnt say anything...James said ,"this isnt fair.." and I agree. This isnt fair but this is our new life like it or not.

I feel like we are doing pretty good. We both have our down times and most of the time they are at different times of the day, but we pick each other up.


My brother taught me a lot about photography today. I am excited and I'm going to really start practicing tomorrow. He is such a great photographer. Hopefully one day I will be as good as him.
Here are some pictures my brother took of Maddie on February 3rd just 2 weeks before she went to heaven. Look at her strawberry blonde hair.. So pretty!

The first time..

Today I got out bed the first time. I still wake up every morning and turn over to look at the baby monitor then remember Maddie is gone. It still feels like a bad dream. I took her 4 month pictures just 2 days before she passed away. When I look at them I just cant fathom she is really gone. It feels like she is still at my moms house or something. I wish that were the truth but, its not.

Today I am going to start my long photography adventure. My brother is going to teach me about my camera. So, I got up feeling ready to tackle this new adventure. Maddie is here helping me I can feel her.

I got all my camera stuff ready. I am about to sit down and read www.digital-photography-school.com/.

I want to take a minute to thank everyone for their thoughts, prayers and heartfelt donations. James and I feel the love from everyone and we gratefully appreciate it.

We went back..

Today we went back to the funeral home. We had to sign some papers. It was weird. This time we did not get to see Maddie. We did go visit her grave site. When we drove up to it my heart sank. I started thinking again, "We shouldn't be doing this... this isn't real!! Our Maddie is healthy, happy and loves to laugh. This isnt our Maddie"...but it is. My heart hurt because some of her flowers had been knocked over. I know that happens, but even after her death I want only the best for our Maddie. We picked up her flowers and James drew a big heart with a J,K and M in the dirt. He is such a great daddy. He loves her so much! I stood there for a few minutes just thinking. We told her we loved her and we left. I think the hardest part was seeing the fresh dirt. I dont know why but the fresh dirt hurt so bad.

I was very upset after we left. I didnt want to do anything but cry. My wonderful husband held me up and told me we need to be strong. So, I'm crying but being strong for Maddie.

I am not sure if I have shared this or not but when we decide to have another child I will not be working. There is no way we will ever leave our babies with a stranger again. Some people may shiver at the thought of us even thinking about more babies but honestly I don't care. I never want to replace Maddie. I will remember her forever. But, eventually I want to be a mom again and James wants to be a dad. I know Maddie would want us to have more children. In all reality we have to start kinda thinking about this now. We are going to have to start saving now. As hard as it seems and I can not even imagine another baby right now, but we have to start saving. Its going to take years. So when the time is right (and we have no idea when that will be) we will be financially ready.

Well today I was in James truck with him and we were driving down the road and I think Maddie was sitting next to me. She put an idea in my mind...

I love to take pictures and I love photography. My dear husband bought me photography classes but I never had time to go to them. Well now is the time. I want to learn how to take great pictures. I think this will really help me heal. If and only if I can get good at this I would love this as a job. This is something I could do as a stay at home mom. So, this is what I want to do. I guess I need to find a photography class and actually go. It's time to start healing through pictures.

Just breathe..

Today has by far been the hardest day yet. I think today I realized Maddie was really gone. Yesterday and the days before we got to "see" her. But, today we don't. She isn't here..She isn't at the funeral home.. Her body is in the ground and she is in heaven. Its real. This isn't a dream like a long for it to be. I can't hold her. I can't kiss her. I can't rock her.

We are trying to "cope". How do you just go back to your normal life after half of your heart is gone? You can't.

This morning it took me 5 tries to get dressed. Finally when I did and got out of the house I felt better until the devil tried to sneak back into my life. I feel like he plays mean tricks on me. I was doing ok. James and I went to eat lunch and I went into the rest room. I shut the bathroom door and this lady walks in with her baby. The awful part is she starts baby talking to him, telling him she loves him and I lost it. I started bawling in the bathroom. Luckly the lady was quick and got out fast. I washed my hands and ran to the car where James and waiting for me. I told him what happened and I took a deep breath. This is my new life....




I have been contacted by many people offering help and we are SO SO grateful. I want to tell everyone thanks.
Polka Dot Junkie is doing an auction for Maddie Monday, February 28th at 12 pm cst. Here is the Facebook link:Tiny Little Wings Auction

The Luckiest Husband in the World!

For starters, I have never been one to voice my feelings, let alone voice it to an audience of people I have never met before. But I felt I have a responsibility to tell everyone my feelings after all that has happened.

As you all know tragically a few days ago Me and my wife Kellie lost our sweet baby girl Madison. Words can not describe the hurt, anger, guilt, pain, frustration, confusion, one goes through when something like this happens. My wife Kellie told me that posting on here made here feel just a little bit better. As I type this, my fingers are shaking.

I have never even been to a funeral before and to have to go to my Daughters was horrible. The only thing I knew about funerals was from what I saw on Movies or TV shows. My wife literally carried me through the process. I could not have made it without her. I always thought that my wife was a little emotional like most women, but when I needed her to pick me up off the ground she was there.

I realized that Madison was teaching me that my wife is way more important than I ever imagined. She is 100% my soul mate. I have not wanted to leave her for a second since I got that phone call that our daughter stopped breathing. Even as I type this and my wonderful wife sleeps in bed...I want to be next to her telling her how much she means to me.

Meeting Kellie, falling madly in love, and having Madison was the best thing to ever happen to me. So everyone who has sent us pics of their kids with bows I want to personally thank you. We love all of them and can not believe how many lives our little angel has touched. I do not know if I will ever blog again but it feels good knowing that this "tough guy" let everyone know how lucky he really was for 4 short months.

For Kellie and Madison with so much Love!!!
~James Staats

Today we had to say goodbye

Today has been a lot harder then I thought. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but it was so hard.
I got over the shock of seeing her asleep in her "bed", but I couldn't even imagine putting her in the ground. I wanted to stay with her forever. I just didn't want to leave her. I know she isn't there anymore, her body is just a shell, but I didn't want to leave her. I couldn't. She is my baby. I am supposed to protect her forever.
I want to remember everything about my angel her hands, her feet, toes, lips....everything. Luckily I took lots of pictures, but for a long time today James and I stood at Maddie's side and looked at her. I studied everything about her. I looked at her hands, feet, fingernails, hair, lips...... everything. I am not sure if that's weird but it helped me. I feel better. I even held her hand and told her it was ok.
The service we beautiful just like Maddie. It was perfect. We had some many friends and family there to support us, but as i knew it would be....It was very hard. The songs we picked were perfect but hard to hear. They are so true, "it ain't fair you died to young.."
When they took her bed to the gravesite I kept telling James they should not make caskets that small. This just isn't fair. I was questioning God.
The whole time we were at the gravesite the wind was blowing and I knew Maddie was there. Words were said but I wasn't listening. I was talking to Maddie. I told her I loved her and that I would see her in heaven. She is buried by a big tree and I told her she could go play on the tree. I already can't wait to go back and visit her.
Today we have received over 1300 emails of pictures, comments and sweet message. I now know Maddie was on this earth to touch many lives. James and I were hand picked from God to be her parents. We got to make an angel. We got to see an angel and not many people can say that. I know Maddie is now in the prettiest place, heaven. I know she is happy and smiling down on all the bows that were worn today.
God is a great babysitter and one day I will see her again. She will still be the beautiful Maddie I remember and love. I can't wait for that day. Until then I will see her in my dreams and everywhere around me.






This is a picture of our angel the day she went to be with Jesus.

She is so beautiful

Tonight was our Maddie's viewing. We made it. I felt all of the love and prayers holding us up.
Maddie looked so beautiful. We are so lucky we got to see our angel tonight. She was in her pretty pink fancy dress her Nana bought her. She had on her white headband with a black flower with polka dots on it. I can not even describe how beautiful she is. James and I have one beautiful angel watching over us.
I could not stop starring at her. I always loved just looking at her....today was no different.

My brother put together a slide show with some of the pictures we took of Maddie in the 4 short months she was here. He did such a great job. I know it was so hard for him to put it together. It really meant a lot to have it.
I am so glad I took so many pictures of Maddie. We have so many great memories of her. I will cherish those pictures and memories forever.

Tomorrow morning we will put our sweet Maddie to rest.

Please remember to wear bows for Maddie tomorrow.





( I want everyone to know. I am reading every comment. I may not respond right now...but I am reading all of them. Thanks so much for all the support.)

I used to like the number 22...

A year ago today we found out we were pregnant. It was such an amazing day. I remember I wanted to test today because my favorite number is 22. Well I'm not so sure I love the number 22 anymore.
Exactly one year after finding out we were pregnant, today James and I will have a viewing of our daughter for her funeral. How can this happen??? This isnt fair! We love her so much. She had never even been sick. The day I dropped her off at the babysitters she was smiling, happy and full of joy. So how could this be?
Today I am mad!!!! Why Maddie? Why us? I know there is a reason God let us conceive her. It took almost 8 months. He wouldnt let us conceive her if she didnt have a purpose. I know she was put on this earth to touch so many lives, but why now? Why did he have to take her so soon? She was so innocent. She was so little. She was healthy and so beautiful. It's not fair!!! I just wish I knew why. Why did God choose Maddie? I know that is something I may never know. But I want some answers!!!!!! So, today I am mad.

Here is my princess on Valentines Day!!

Last minute..and bows.

How do you pick a dress to wear to your daughters funeral? You cant.

I wont.

I had to.

I waited to the very last minute because this isn't real. It's still a dream. When can I wake up??

But, Today was the last minute. It took 6 hours to find this dress. A dress (2 dresses) I probably will never wear again.

I have to wear pink. Maddie loves pink.

Today was ok though. It wasn't easy but it was ok. I was fine until I went to Target and had to go by the baby section. Then I walked by a lady with a car seat and another couple who were talking about their babies in ICU and I lost it. I cant do this. It isn't real...but I have to. It's for Maddie. My princess.

After we got home we had another hard task to do.. pick music. How do you pick music to play at your daughters funeral? You can't. I didn't want to. This isn't real. We picked 2 songs. I just couldn't pick 3. Here is one we picked...




Tomorrow is going to be hard. I just keep telling myself we get to see Maddie just to get me through it. She is so beautiful. She is a Princess.

Look at her. I miss her so much!

Please pray for our strength tomorrow. I know Maddie will be there to help us get through this. But, it's going to be so hard.



Maddie loves big bows. She always wore them. We would be honored if on Wednesday 2/23/11, in remembrance of Maddie, you would put a big bow on your daughters. We would also love to get pictures. kellieshsu06@yahoo.com Thanks so much!

Today I saw my angel.

The funeral home called us and told us they had our Maddie and we could come see her if we wanted to. James and I debated if we should go see her or not. I wanted to remember the happy times and how beautiful she was. Finally we made a decision...we were going to go.

As soon as we pulled up to the funeral home I felt a since of peace come over me. I knew she was there. I felt Maddie. She was telling me it was ok. Our parents saw her first just to make sure she looked like Maddie. They told us it was ok to come in and we saw her. She didn't look exactly like Maddie, but she was so beautiful. The whole time I kept staring at her. I felt so peaceful. I kept telling James Maddie is here she says she is ok. James and I told her we loved her and we were sorry. I got to hold her and rock her. I kissed her goodbye and they took her away. I am SO glad we made this decision. We finally got our closure. I felt so peaceful the whole time. I still feel peaceful. Maddie is at home with Jesus. She is ok. She knows we love her and she loves us. I got to see my angel today!

We shouldn't be doing this..

We are surrounded by prayers and I think this is how we are getting through this. We dearly thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. Keep them coming. We can feel the love.

Yesterday was a little better. We were blessed to be surrounded by family and friends all day. James and I have promised that we will not leave each other. So, yesterday my dad, brother, father in law, mother in law, James and I all went to find something to wear to put Maddie to rest. It was hard. SO hard. What do you wear to your daughters funeral? You want to remember the happy bright times and celebrate her life and you want to wear black. I just don't know.

All of the guys got fitted for suites. It was not fun. Everyone was quiet while getting fitted. We are usually such a happy outgoing bunch. It's just not the same. After we left the suite place everyone went with me to white house black market. I tried on a few dresses. But I couldn't do it. I cant try on something to wear to Maddie's funeral. This isnt real. It's still just a bad dream. I keep thinking she is just at my moms house and she will be home soon. But she won't. She is in heaven watching over us.

I know people grieve different ways. No way is correct. You just do what works for you. Well, I talk to Maddie. All the time. No matter where I am I talk to her. I don't care what people think. I tell her I miss her and I love her. It makes me feel better. I hope she can hear me.

My wonderful family at The Mommy Playbook (the wonderful messages boards I seeked while trying to get pregnant and after) took up a donation for Maddie. Right now we are trying to decide how to use that to remember her. We want to thank them so much. We have felt all of your support and prayers. All of the love is helping us get through this horrible time.

Here is one of my favorite pictures of Maddie and I ..

They shouldnt make caskets that small..

Yesterday (Friday) was the hardest day of all. My husband and I got out of bed and didn't know what to do. We looked at each other and started crying. We did something I knew had to be done but I did not want to do it...put all her stuff away. One by one we put her swing, pack n play, bouncer, bottles, diapers, car seats, paci's and everything we found into her room or the guest room and shut the door. That was so hard. I sat in her room before I shut the door and bawled. I want to see her stuff, I do NOT want it to be gone but I cant see it right now. I am still too broken. Time heals all wounds right? When I am ready(if I ever am) I will go through all her stuff. I just cant now.

After that James and I cleaned our house ,we had to stay busy. Our house look like a different place. It isnt fair... I want to smell poopy diapers, and smell her soy formula.I want all of her stuff back. I want my house to be a mess because I do not have time to clean it. I want all of this back!!! I think the hardest thing about all of this is that Maddie was such a healthy girl. In 4 months she was never sick. She was so happy. She loved to laugh and smile. This was just so sudden, it leave everyone asking God, "WHY???". I don't understand and I probably never will.

The 2nd part of our day was the hardest. Our families came over and we went to the funeral home. Before we left I had the hardest job to do, pick out her outfit to be buried in. How am I supposed to do that? Half of her closet are clothes she will never get to wear! I was angry. I kept saying I cant do this!!!!! But, I did. I picked her 4 month outfit with a cute little bow. I also picked her favorite toy (which sings). I accidentally hit the button, it started singing and I lost it. This isnt happening. She is supposed to be playing with her "happy bear" right now!!!!!!! Luckily my dad took the batteries out of it. She is also going to wear the most special bracelet her G.G (great grandmother) gave her. We were going Monday to her 4 month check-up and we were going to get her ears pierced. She would look so cute with pierced ears and her Princess dress.

Soon after we headed to the funeral home. James and I debated on letting our parents make all the arrangements, but we decided on going (and as hard as it was I am glad we went). We had to help put her to rest. We are her parents. We did things parents should not have to do for a baby. We shouldn't have to pick out a place for her to lay. They shouldn't not make caskets this small!!! But, somehow we did it. There were many many tears shed. I searched and searched for a "bed" that doesn't look like a "casket". Its a pinkish purple pretty "bed" with the words "Princess" in the lid. I think she would like it.
The funeral home was so sweet to our families. We never got to see Maddie at the hospital. They said when they get her they will call us and we will be able to come and hold her and say our goodbyes before the funeral. I am truly grateful for this. Its going to be very hard but I think I need some sort of closure.

Today we are going to have another hard day. James and my brother have to go buy a suite and my mom and I have to buy buy a dress for the funeral. Its going to be hard. We shouldn't be doing this.

Thanks everyone for all of your kind thoughts and prayers. We can feel all the love around us. This is what we need right now love and prayers. So, please keep praying.

My Princess went to heaven...

Those were the hardest words I have ever typed in my whole life.

Yesterday, Thursday February 17th my whole life as I knew it changed. The secretory from our school told me James was on the phone and I knew something was wrong because he NEVER calls the school. As soon as I picked up the phone I heard his sad voice. He told me that Maddie had stopped breathing and the babysitter called 911 and she was going to the hospital. I admittedly ran to my moms classroom and said Maddie stopped breathing she is going to the hospital. I started to grab my stuff and told my mom I couldn't drive myself, so she drove me. We raced to the hospital. When we got there I knew it was bad. The security guard at the front told us to wait for an officer to escort us back. After what seemed like forever the officer told us we can come back. They started to walk around the corner and said no never mind this way and started to open a door. When they started to open the door, I knew she was gone. I started screaming "NO".We sat down on the couch and they told us they did everything they could but she was gone. James wasn't there yet it was just my mom and I. He got there a few seconds later. I was in such shock I couldn't even cry. I just wanted to scream. A nurse told we could see her but it may take a few hours. I didnt care I just wanted to see my princess. Then 2 Sheriff officers came into the room and asked everyone to leave. Her death is being investigate by the homicide unit. They said its protocol. They interviewed us separate and together. The officers gave us the horrific new that we couldn't see her because it would contaminate the evidence. I was devastated. We were told to go home...but how do we go home without our baby girl??
Eventually we drove home. Through many many many tears but we made it. I didnt want to go in our house. Maddie's stuff is everywhere. James and I hand in hand walked inour house. I went straight to her room and we both fell to our knees and cried. How could this happen to us, Maddie was not sick and she was SO happy!!! Te officers had been at the babysitters house investigating and then he came to our house. He brought all of her stuff to us. I lost it. I couldn't see her empty car seat. She is supposed to be in it. This isnt fair!!!! James and I are trying to cope, but we really dont know what to do. We are going today to talk to the funeral home. BUT this isnt supposed to be happening. I am not supposed to get Maddie's death certificate before her birth certificate.

Thanks so much for all the prayers. We really appreciate them!

4 months

Dear Madison,

You are 4 months old. I can not believe you are this old. Where has time gone? Your little personality is really starting to show. You have also become such a happy girl. Mommy and daddy both love to play with you. You are such a smiley girl. I love love love to see you smile. You are really starting to laugh now (a lot). You usually will only laugh for mommy and no one else. (he he). You are my Princess!!! You are wearing 3-6 month clothes , size 2 diapers(we just switched to pampers they are bigger), we are about to start you on cereal from a spoon, and can sit up with help (almost by your self). You eat 6-7 oz and 8 oz at night. You will never miss a meal, you love to eat!!! You really love your bouncy seat. You could watch mommy for hours while I cook or wash your bottles. You love "talking" to me and daddy. I love playing with you. I would play with you for hours! You are still going to bed at 7:00. Daddy and I try so hard to make you stay up till 8:00, but we usually loose that battle. You have been sleeping from 7:00 to 5:00. Last weekend you spent the night with Mimi and got up at 2:00am (he he poor Mimi).

I love you SO much!!!!!

Love,
Mommy
(Pic to come soon. Its hard to take pic. of this princess now. She kept trying to eat her dress..I told you she LOVES to eat!)