How am I going to make it through that day? I am going to need lots of prayers.
I still haven't officially decided what we are going to do to celebrate her life. I am thinking about releasing balloons. I don't think the lanterns are going to be a good idea. Its so dry here. I don't want to start any more fires. We aren't going to have a party or anything.Ug I just don't know. I mean how do you plan your daughters 1st birthday in heaven?
It's been a very hard past couple of days. The tornado is trying to sneak back up on me. It really wants to run me over, but I'm not going to let it. I am going to stand tall like the proud mom I am.
I got a coupon for a free baby's first year cake in the mail the other day. I wanted to cry, then I wanted to scream, stomp my feet and act like a 5 yr old. This just isn't fair!!!! But, instead I threw it away. I told myself, this has to get easier... but does it really? I think I have learned you just get used to feeling this way and it kinda becomes a part of you. That's sad really.
32 comments:
oh sweet kellie.. Its so not fair. you shouldnt have to do this. you shouldnt have to live this life. she should be here. its so frustrating trying to understand. i will be thinking and praying for you sooo much.
i think you should have your own party for maddie. one that you think she would like. get a cake. sing happy birthday. send balloons. even buy her a gift. a book would be good because you can still read it to her. im so sorry kel. i wish i could tell you more. help more. you are amazing. you are strong. i just pray maddie holds you close as you have to walk this path right now.
We kept our celebration small (just us and my oldest daughter). I baked a cake, we did a balloon release and we just sat at her gravesite thinking about how much we've changed because of her. No matter what you do, she'll be holding you both close.
Dear Kellie,
I don't know how to find the right words (or if that is even possible) to console you, but I just want to let you know that your loss has really touched me and my heart went right out to you when I first read your blog. As you wrote in your wish list, I don't even begin to really understand what you must be going through, but I'm trying to, and you have my deep sympathy.
Although Maddie was with you for such a short time only, she changed your life in so many ways... and reading your blog I am positive that she felt so loved and longed for and happy being your daughter (and still feels that way).
Of course, I have no way of telling you how to celebrate the first birthday of your sweet angel, but I keep my fingers crossed, that it will be a good day for you and your family.
All the best wishes!
Marei
I think you should put notes in balloons or write them on the balloons and release them so the notes get to Heaven. We did that at a funeral once.
Good luck, sweetie. I can't even imagine.
I just "celebrated" my sons 2nd birthday in heaven. He would've been 7 on 9/1/11. This year we did the sky lanterns and actually had a party, but as the party day got here, I realized that I had overdone celebrating him. I will NEVER do another party. It was just too hard.
For his birthday last year, we did a balloon release. I invited family and a few close friends to join us at his grave. I asked that each family bring 6 memories and 6 balloons (since it was his 6th birthday). I have the memories in Erik's keepsake box and I created a beautiful arrangement out of the flowers. We did sing happy birthday and I read a few of my favorite memories about Erik.
You and James do what you think is best for Maddie. She will think it's perfect no matter what you decide to do. I'll continue to keep y'all in my prayers. <3
Ashley
ashleyquarles.blogspot.com
:( Big hugs and many prayers for you, James, and your family. I have no words to lift you, as I don't think are words for what you are going through. Only thing I can do as a supporter, is honor Maddie that day and wear a huge birthday bow for her, and make it a Maddie day. Big hugs and we will continue to pray.
Kellie,
I started reading your blog a long time ago and my heart aches for you and your family. I only wish you and your husband memories of joy and laughter when you think of your precious baby girl. You are doing so awesome blocking out all the negative thoughts. Just know that she is always all around you. She wants you to be happy and smile when you think of her. Even if that smile sometimes becomes tears. She is forever a part of your life and family. I will be thinking of you as that days rolls around and just remember it will get easier. You will get through this and you will have more beautiful children someday that will remind you of her and make your time even more special. Xoxo
i pray for you everyday, but i have never commented. i can never think of the "right" thing to say in a situation that i cannot fathom. you have been a blessing in my life. your strength, and vulnerability is unmatched. i wish she were still here on earth, instead of heaven. as for me and my family, we will release balloons for maddie, on her first birthday. all the way in south florida!!
I know Maddie's impending birthday has to be rough!! I am not in your situation so It's hard to suggest a solution that will work within your boundaries..but I would either go out(or someone's house) to a nice dinner with close friends/family and just spend it reflecting on the 4 months you were blessed with that beautiful baby. Make a list of the POSITIVE things that have stuck with you since it happened..have everyone do that! Have everyone make a list of things they are thankful for that Maddie has blessed them with. Although the negative will do it's best to sneak up on you, hearing stories of how Maddie changed, effected, impacted others during her first birthday should cause for a celebration of life, rather than a mourning of the opposite. Just an idea and I will be sure to say many extra prayers for an answer to be revealed to your heart and for you to find a way to be happy and joyous in the first year celebration of Ms. Maddie.
Many thoughts heading your way---
Amber
How about a celebration of life? As small or as big as you need it to be... stories and slideshows/shared moments of pregnancy and the time you got to spend with her. I think it would be HUGE in the healing process... helping you to open up and talk about her, and cry together with other people who miss her just as much.
It doesn't have to be a sad day. Tears of joy, that she was ever born!
Kellie,
Praying for you!!! Praying for peace, strength, comfort, and understanding.I know its hard to celebrate but celebrating because Maddie lived is so worth it. Look at the lives she touched and the lives that you have touched!!! I know that you and James will need all the prayers that you can get, to get through her first brithday and that is what we are going to do. We are here for you to encourage you and pray for you!!! Sending (((HUGS))) your way <3
So sorry you even have to be thinking about this day without Maddie! July 22nd was our son August's 1st Angel Birthday. He died last November from SIDS. For me the day before was worse, just the anticipation and realization of it all. On his birthday, we got up and watched slideshows and videos of his 4 short months & cried until our eyes where swollen. But we also chose to talk and laugh about all of the great memories we had with him and the things that we will never forget about him. My husband decided to get August's initials tattooed that day on his forearm. That ended up being very healing for him. At the end of the day we looked at eachother and said "we did it". We got through this day & it felt like a weight had been lifted and that we made a huge step in our grief process. Everyone around us said they have noticed a huge difference in us since. We still have the angelversary coming up and of course many more birthdays and dates to get through but I feel like with each one we will get stronger. I think about you often and read your blog weekly. You are one strong inspiring mommy!
Big hugs to you & your family!
You are so unbelievably strong... I admire you for that.
I am always thinking of you and James. You have every right to feel like having a stomping fit. I will be praying for you to get through Madison's 1st birthday with a smile and happy memories of her. She is so loved by so many, and we have never even met her. God bless!
I'm sorry you are having a rough time :(
I am giving a speech to my communications class at the end of the month about the importance of SIDS research and things that may help reduce it. Is it alright if I share the story of beautiful Maddie in my presentation? After reading your blog, I have been so concerned about educating everyone on SIDS.
Samantha Shaw
I'm so sorry. I hope you find a way to celebrate Maddie that eases your pain. My little girl is going to send her a balloon. =)
Oh Kelly...
I can't imagine that feeling.
And I don't think any mother should ever have to get "used" to that feeling. I have kept up with your blog since February and appreciate so much your strength in spite of these unfortunate circumstances. Oh...unfortunate circumstances? Really? How do those 2 words even compare to what you must be going through. I know two people in the past month that have lost their husbands and while not a child, still heartbreakingly painful I am sure. I tried for both to find a sympathy card that would suit them and must tell you, each time I looked, I thought of you (despite the fact you have no clue who I am). I gave up after reading several because I kept thinking back to something you wrote in a blog once. Not sure of the exact verbage you used but it was something along the lines of.. "There is nothing you can say to make it better and sometimes there is nothing we want you to say." I figured it best to leave it at that. I do pray that God continues to give you strength for each new day and that He protects the sweet memories you have of your precious angel. God Bless and as always, you are in my prayers and thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kayla
www.babygabeysmommy.blogspot.com
Kellie - I'll be thinking of you, and praying for you tomorrow and on Maddie's first birthday. It isn't fair!! My heart breaks every time I think of you and your sweet baby girl. I'm so sad and mad for you. No parent should ever have to endure what you and James are going through. I'm so very sorry. Please know that you have touched so many lives, and so has Maddie. Thank you for sharing your story. You are so strong and brave. I truly admire you.
Praying for you,
Serene
Once again, I'm so sorry for your sadness and loss. It is not fair that you can't hold your sweet baby on her birthday. Praying God's peace on you as this difficult day approaches.
Kellie when our little boys 1st Birthday came around it was extremly difficult for us, just as it is for you both even tho her birthday is a month away. All of the emotion is hard to deal with but hang in there and lean on your hubby :) What did make me feel better was celebrating at the cemetary. We took balloons and a small cake and candles, sang to him and celebrated the best we could and although I think we cried the entire time we were there we felt like we celebrated with him and he knew he was not forgotten. My husband and I each wrote short letters to him and we put them in a frame at his burial site with the balloons. I am sorry you are going thru this, nobody should ever lose a child. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. From one angel mommy to another <3
I am so sorry you are going through this. There's not a day that goes by that I do not think about you and your precious Maddie. Have you thought about maybe some sort of celebration of her life with your loved ones and close friends? A friend of mine lost her son to sids and every yr on his birthday she bakes him a cake.
Maybe think of something special you can do every year on her birthday to keep her memory alive and to celebrate the day you got to meet your precious angel.
I know you're really not looking for answers to your questions, but instead just need to help get all the different emotions your feeling out.
Saying lots of prayers for you, your family & your Maddie. xoxox
Kellie- I know you don't know me, but I started following your blog after seeing someone post a "remember" post for Maddie on your b'day. I started following your blog that day and I have to say that I read your entire blog over the next few days and I have such a huge amount of respect and admiration for you and your husband. I know there are no words to say that haven't already been said before, but my heart just hurts for you. I will most definitely be saying prayers for you with her 1st b'day approaching, but also just for the days in general. I know that Maddie is looking down and is telling all of her friends in heaven that "that's my mommy!". She is so proud of you and the mommy that you are and always will be. Praying for you always....
Kellie,
I've been thinking about you a lot this week, not just because tomorrow is Maddie Day and the monthly reminder that your little girl should be here rather than in heaven on her birthday, but because I knew her 1st birthday was just a month away.
I wish I could write something to bring you comfort, but I cannot. Nothing anyone says could make her birthday any easier for you. I will think of you and James in the coming month and pray you find a way to celebrate your beautiful daughter's brief life while continuing to remain strong as you continue on your journey. I will light a candle in Maddie's honor for her 11 month birthday tomorrow and think of you.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. The Lord brought the verse from Psalm 34:18 to my mind:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"
I know your pain is real and deep in this life, but I am so thankful you know the Lord and will live in heaven with your beautiful daughter who is very much alive there again.
I'm praying for your family. You are so brave and strong and I admire you so much for your strength.
Parents should never out live their babies. I'm so sorry for your loss. My little one shares Maddie's birthday. We will light a candle for her too on that day. After reading your blog, I will forever think of you and Maddie every year that goes by. Lighting a candle proves your little girl has served her purpose, she's shining down and touching other people's lives. Thank you for sharing her story.
I am thinking of you both as a perfect stranger. do you have this in the US? http://www.justgiving.com/ A lady lost her daughter in my area and she set up a memoriam page for her daughter to raise money for cystic fibrosis. Maybe you could do one in Memoriam of Madison for SIDS research to mark her birthday and balloons are perfect. I cannot comprehend what you are going through. I would rather be deaf, dumb, blind and paralysed at the same time, than have anything happen to my daughter. I hope you find some happiness again xx
It is definitely not fair that you have to go through this. You should not be celebrating your daughter's first birthday in heaven. I think of you and Maddie often. My little girl will be 1 this Friday and I just couldn't imagine being in your shoes. Your courage is so inspirational. I've commented before that I think you would really enjoy doing a butterfly release for Maddie's Birthday. It is so neat and so meaningful. It has even been said that butterflies are able to carry messages to heaven. When we release them at my sisters grave we always whisper our messages to them that we want them to give her. It's just so beautiful to see all of the butterflies at one time. And it's really not too expensive. Just a thought. I am sure you will find a wonderful way to honor Maddie on her special day. Lots of love and thoughts coming your way!
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!
Your story and your blog have really touched me. I've posted once or twice before but think of you often.. and especially every time I see a Lady Bug-- I think of your Maddie bug.
I think you should do her birthday however you think you should.
If you don't feel like having a cake, don't. Talk to her, look at her pictures, send her some balloons in heaven. Don't feel like you have to do up a big thing. I am praying for you.
We lost our angel when i was a little over 5 months pregnant . The first year we released balloons . Then we started having other childrens and i wanted them to be involved so now i take my 4 kids and we put flowers on her grave site . My kids like it cause they can leave something behind . It does get better as the years go on . This year she would have been 8 and i decided that day to spend a fun day with my other children and we even skiipped the grave site . We made new fun memories .
You should get your closest friends and family together and celebrate the time you had!! I will be praying extra hard for y'all!!
God Bless!
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