It hit me the other night.
We are going to have another baby. That means pretty soon I am going to have to go through Maddie's stuff and put it away.
I am not ready for this.
It hurts!
You remember those movies where a family looses a child and 15 years later there room is exactly the same? I used to think that is so dumb.. why cant they just move on? Well, now I GET IT! I totally get it. I don't want to move anything in Maddie's room. I want it to be her room forever. But, the reality is she is not coming back.
I need to let go, but I dont want to!
Another baby should get to enjoy her room. But, it hurts. I don't want to move her stuff. I dont want to put it away. That just mean she is REALLY gone.
I was talking to Catherine about this and she told me something that is so true. She said "I'm afraid it's going to get worse before it gets better".
Boy is she ever right.
We have a lot of big things coming up:
-The holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day
- Her angelversary (yes its in a little over 3 months)
-Finding out if gummy is a boy or a girl
-Putting all Maddie's stuff away
-Re- painting/organizing gummy's room
How am I going to make it. These pregnancy hormones are crazy!
I guess just one foot in front of the other.
I have been having crazy vivid dreams...and I never do. Just another fun pregnancy symptom. In this dream we found out gummy is a girl. I was helping James tape off Maddie's room to re-paint and I couldn't stop crying. James tried to console me but he couldn't. I was so upset..not that I was having a girl but the reality that Maddie is really gone.
Don't get me wrong I am SO excited to be pregnant! I am thrilled God sent us another miracle, but I'm having a hard time. I guess its only natural.
So I am going to walk one foot in front of the other.
48 comments:
That is all you can do, just one foot in front of the other. Just breathe. Pretty soon the joy will overcome the grief and the good days will outnumber the bad.
You will always remember Maddie no matter what. Her stuff might be put up and away, but she will forever be in your hearts, minds, body and soul. She is your child...forever. I can't imagine what you both are going through, but your blog title says it all another day STRONGER. Hang in there and just know that little gummy will help you along too!
I can't imagine what this is all like for you but please know that I am praying for you!
One day at a time, One foot in front of the other! I don't think it ever gets any easier, I couldn't imagine what you are feeling. Praying for you all!
You are truly an inspiration! I couldn't be happier for you...gummy is so lucky to have a mom like you! So when are you due?
Praying and thinking about you guys... especially you! You are stronger than you give yourself credit for! Like you said... just put one foot in front of the other and take the good days with the bad!
you will figure it out sweetie;
you will make it through and be alright;
maddie would want her little brother or sister to enjoy her room..thats what she would want. it doesnt matter whether or not the stuff is out..you and james will remember her and always speak of her..
you will be okay =]
Heres a thought, might sound kind of silly. But how about having it be both Maddie and gummys room. Kinda like they are sharing it, you know, like how siblings really do, that way you dont have to put everything away of maddies and you can incorporate both of their things in one room. Silly thought huh? Just thought I would throw that out there.
GREAT BIG HUGS!!!
Erin
I really can relate to how your feeling. I suffered a miscarriage in Aug of 2010 after seeing a healthly heartbeat twice prior. (I am not comparing your heartbreak to mine because I know it's not the same.) But a month after finding out my baby passed away we got pregnant again. And I was over the moon about being pregnant. But I was still Grieving for my sweet baby that had just gone to be with our Lord. There were hard days....holidays, due dates and such. There were days were I would just cry myself to sleep...and I'm sure the Hormones added to my stress...on top of that I worried CONSTANTLY. I mean CONSTANTLY. Until they got him out I worried. I checked his hb with a doppler several times a day. So on top of the normal exhaustion that comes with Pregnancy there was the mental and emotional exhaustion.
I can't imagine how hard that will be for you...but I can say I will being thinking and praying for you.
It will be without a doubt very difficult, but maybe just think of how wonderful it will be when you hold your baby for the first time. I did that and It helped me through the particularly hard days.
One step at a time.. you are one of the strongest people I have ever read about. I know Maddie is proud to have such a beautiful, caring, strong mother.
~Jayme
http://thesmithshouse.blogspot.com/
Hang in there!
I don't want it to get worse before it gets better but know I'll be right by your side through it all... The ups, the downs, the good, and the bad. I love you kellie. I miss Maddie but I can't wait to hold gummy. Its all too bittersweet. We have lots of HAPPY ahead of us sweet friend! I love you.
I'm a new reader here! I started reading about a month ago. Your blog changed my life when it comes to parenting. I take way more pictures and spend even more time than I did before with my daughter because time is so precious. She also use to sleep on her tummy and had bumpers before I read your blog.
It is normal to be was ana happy. It is hard enough putting your baby's clothes away that they have outgrown...to have to put it away because they are gone takes so much strength. Strength you don't want, you just want your daughter.
I pray for you daily.
www.gapbaby.blogspot.com
I was just thinking, do you know someone who quilts? You can take some of Maddie's clothes and make them into a forever quilt. I know someone who did this after her son passed away. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))
Hello there, I have been reading your blog for a while now but have never commented. But I wanted to make a suggestion... I live in the UK and have just found this amazing lady who takes baby clothes and makes them into a lovely keepsake bear - rather than just having a bag of baby clothes that you hang onto for sentimental reasons. In the same way, she does rememberance bears. They truly are stunning - she puts the name and date of the baby on it and you also have the option to have a photo, handprint or even a drawing put on it. I realise this may seem a bit weird, but here is her website so you get the idea http://www.bubsbears.com/
I just wanted to give you an idea of something you could do to 'preserve' your beautiful daughters memory - and keep it in her room for you and your next baby to enjoy looking at. I am sure there are similar places you could get this done in america - or this lady has even done one for someone in america, but you need to trust that those precious items get to her okay, so I understand it may not be an option. You could also have a quilt made too? Anyway, I hope I haven't upset you with this idea - I don't like the idea of my baby's clothes being 'cut up', but the end result is amazing, so I thought it was worth suggesting. Sarah.xx
I think if you compromise a little with yourself then you don't have to put it ALL away. Leave a few special things out and I don't think it would hurt to keep something of hers that has her name on it so that her little sister or brother knows she is there watching over them. You don't have to do things one way or the other. You do things the way they feel best for you. Ask for guidance from the angels. Angel therapy is great for a daily life. I wrote a poem about your lil one a few months ago. I hope you had a chance to read it as it is reminder she is always surrounding you and supporting her family.
Blessings x
I can't imagine what you are going through. All those crazy pregnancy hormones and then emotions of the past with what's to come. I am sending lots of prayers of comfort and strenght your way! Keep your hed up, girl, you are STRONG!!!
I have never lost a child, but I grew up with parents who did. My sister died when I was 12 (she was 14) One of the things that their grief counsleor suggested was to switch things up. Becuase life will just never be the same, so having the "same" tradtions is too much. Maddie is with you ALWAYS, I really do believe that she is right there beside you. Maybe for Christmas you could get a tree just for her, and put her things on the tree. Just a suggestion. I wish only good things for you both and you are always in my prayers!
I pray for you everyday, often I would pray that you would get another miracle. I don't know your home size, but if you aren't ready to move her stuff, maybe you could create gummy their own room to create their own memories in. No matter if you pack her stuff away or leave her room just the same, the memories of her room will always be in your heart. As the days go on you will be given the insight on what is best for you guys regarding changing or not changing Maddie's room.
I am so happy for you! Just remember to take things slow and tackle things one at a time. Try not to think of everything that needs to be changed or done as a whole or you will definitely get overwhelmed and the pregnancy hormones will get the best of you.
Hugs sweet friend. You are right - it's going to be hard, but you have already gotten through the hardest part and you will soon be able to enjoy gummy and put your energy into loving on him/her. Maddie will be with you during these tough times and she is happy that you and James are going to be able share your amazing love with her brother or sister.
I can't imagine what you are going through. You are in our prayers. You should check out this family's blog. patrickandashley.blogspot.com
We had our little guy 11 months after losing Preslee. I sobbed as I took down her nursery, but I can't describe the feeling I had as I was putting up Ledger's bedding. It was such a bittersweet experience, but preparing for Ledger was definitely sweet.
Once Ledger's room was decorated, I no longer left the door closed, I wanted it open. It was no longer just "her" empty room, it became "their" room. I thought I'd never let him use much of anything that belonged to his older sister, but in 4 short months, I love everything he can use of hers. It's those small things that binds them together. It becomes my kids things, and not just Preslee's things.
Grieving and dealing with crazy pregnancy hormones is hard. SO hard. The Holidays will definitely be tough, but when your new little baby is placed in your arms it changes something within you. It fixes a part of your heart you didn't think could be fixed again. I'm so happy that you're expecting. Hang in there.
Love,
Ashley
Hi Kellie, I've been reading your blog ever since little Maddie got her wings. I've never commented because I couldn't without crying- I didn't know what I could say to make you feel better. I've cried and prayed for you and your family many times reading your posts. You are amazingly strong and I have no idea how you do it. It angers me when I see those awful comments some people leave but glad to see they don't bring you down to their level. I'm praying that your pregnancy and your little gummy is perfect. I had a thought though about Maddie's things after reading your last post, maybe you could make a shadow box in a nice big frame of your favorite things of hers, with a background of your favorite pic of her and hang it in your bedroom so you'll see it every night and every morning. Just remember you are so strong and I know I can't imagine what you are going through , but just remember how many supporters there are out there, and many more who have been reading like me and haven't had the courage to leave a comment. Hang in there I know you can do it!
Maddie will always have a place in your home, even if it's not her room. I know she fills your home with love and good memories and once "gummy" gets here, you'll add to those good memories and make more. Praying for you for the big things that are coming up- that you guys will continue to have strength and peace in knowing that you are awesome parents and Maddie and "gummy" are 2 lucky babies!
Totally natural for you to feel this way. What about choosing a few special things of Maddie's and buying a big shadow box thing. You can get them at craft stores I think. And then put a few of her things in there and hang it on the wall in gummy's room. That way you never have to take it all out or put everything away...
I'm certain that God never ever gives us more than we can handle. You're the only one who can decide when it's time to go thru her room and her things. You are such a strong person and that amazes me. Although I don't know you I have followed your blog for a while. I have cried with you and now I'm celebrating with you at this new miracle in y'alls lives. I have a Madison also and I shared your story with her and showed her pics of your Madison. We pray that your Madison continues to give you signs that she's there. I look forward to following your journey and will continue to pray for you and your family!
hi kellie,
i just wanted to stop in and let you know im thinking of your family. i visit your blog often and just wanted to tell you i had a maddie bug visit me yesterday. i was sitting on my front porch and a ladybug flew over and landed right on my wedding ring. i knew it was maddie right away...my wedding anniversary is maddies birthday! im going thru a hard time right now cuz i found out on the 12 that i was having a misscarriage. your little maddie came all the way to PA to let me know everything will be ok and i feel like she was telling me my angel baby is in heaven with her.
One foot step at a time is all you can do. I remember sitting at a stop light, about 4 months after Jakob and Jeneh died, I was on my way to my IVF Dr, we had done IVF again and was pregnant again, another scan to make sure everything was on track, I remember sitting at the light and it hitting me like a slap in the face that this baby was NOT my Jake and Jeneh and that nothing was going to bring them back, NOTHING. It hurt, I still loved my little "lizard" but it hurt to realize how nothing could change the past. ((hugs))
Thought of you when I heard this new Vince Gill song this morning.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/45045661#45045661
You need to work at a pace that is comfortable for you. If it takes many attempts to move maddie's room around, then let it be over the course of a few months to get it done. Do you have a different room for Gummy? Maybe that would work out better? All I know is, you have every right to feel the way you do. I am praying for you and James to go through any motions that need be, with as little hurt and pain as possible. I am always thinking of you guys and praying for you and baby too!
Oh I can't imagain the pain that is going to cause you and James,but you need to try and not stress you need to be 100% for gummy. Maybe you could put your favorite Maddie thing in your and James room or maybe you could turn her blankets into something for Gummy like a teddy bear or a pillow or a wall hang. I know you will want gummy to have his/her own room decore but I think it would be a great way to still have Maddies things and a new look for gummy so it's not so painful. And when gummy gets old enough to understand why those things are so special it could be a gift from his/her BIG sister in heaven. I will be praying for you and your family and gummy..
I hope everything goes smoothly. Your new little gummy will not be able to take away any of the pain...but he/she sure will make it feel better. I can't imagine what you are going through, so if you ever just need someone to listen...email me. God bless!
The Cord...
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!
***I read this and thought of you Kellie!!! I pray for you often and hope your pregnancy is going well!!! <3 ya!
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
... A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
~Author Unknown
You and James (and the baby) are in my prayers. Whatever you decide to keep or donate, replace or reuse will be the right decision. Maddie will always be present in your home and hearts, she is your first baby. You'll figure out the perfect way to include her in this child's life from the very beginning. I just bet there will be a ladybug or two in the new nursery.
I have been following your blog for a long time now and I have gotten to see how strong you have become through this season of you life. It is clear to me that your faith is very strong and that you have been leaning on God to give you strength....and He has..right?
I have prayed for you constantly since I found your blog many months ago. I am beyond thrilled for the news of gummy.:)
I want you to know that whenever I see a ladybug I think of you and Maddie and I say a prayer. My daughter is turning 1 on November 2nd and her birthday theme is ladybugs. I say that only to let you know that in my heart I am honoring Maddiebug too!
Thank you for being such an inspiration to me. Thanks to you I take TONS of pictures ..even of silly things. I truly relish every moment.
Oh, Kellie, be strong! Gummy will LOVE being in Maddie's room and Maddie would surely want that :) Gummy will come to know of his or her big sister and Maddie will ALWAYS be a part of your family. You are NOT "moving on", you are starting a new chapter - one that would make Maddie so very, very proud. Don't let the pregnancy hormones get the best of you!
Love from GA,
oxoxoxoxoxox
When my brother and SIL had their rainbow baby, they left pictures of my nephew in the nursery. That way he could be watching over his baby brother...and now his little sister. Hang in there.
Kellie,
I will be praying for you as you face this road. It is difficult. Rick and I have done our best to change Madeline's room into the Baby's. It has not been easy by any means. But we have clung to each other to get it done. We chose to keep a piece of her in there. Her tree. Maybe you can keep a piece of Maddie in the Baby's room too. Or do you have a guest room you can decorate until your ready? That may be best. Message me on fb if you need to talk. I know how hard this is and I'm here. Praying for you and gummy. <3
Natalie Ross
I can not even begin to imagine having to put my child's stuff away. I know there is never a good time to do that, but do it when you are ready. Are you using Maddie's room for the new baby? If so, then I see why you would need to do it sometime soon. If not, do it when you feel ready. I am so very sorry!! This is not fair!! Praying for you and sending lots of hugs still!!!
Like you said, one foot in front of the other. I think that's going to be a good thing for you to really focus on. And you've got your wonderful husband to lean on and so much to be excited for that will hopefully off-set the uncomfortable things on your to do list. Hang in there, we're all here for you!
Sweet Kellie this is all so normal in the context of a very abnormal situation. Have you read Tear Soup? It is a book n grief for children but so beautiful, I give it to parents when their children die (I am pediatric oncology nurse). I even read it at my daddy's funeral. Aim so sorry for all the pain. Amongst the many things that are just plain unfair...you have to share the joy of this pregnancy with the grief of Maddie's death.
I have a suggestion...my mom did this when my brother died. She packed up a box of all his special toys, blanket, favorite clothes and picture and she left it in our room. My sister and I shared David's room after he died. she decorated it and had his name on it absorbed a speciial spot on a shelf. We took it down together on his nrithday and when we were missing him and played with his toys, looked at pictures,shared stories. We always laughed and felt better. We continued this after my little brother was born, it was how we taught him who David was. See Kellie the thing is you can have Maddie and Gummy. Not in the way you dreamed or want, but she can be there in Gummy's room and you can her all about her big sister and how much you loved her.
God bless you sweet Kellie!
Praying for you!! It's okay to be sad. You are an incredibly strong woman, don't ever forget it. Hugs to you!
maybe when you re-do the room for the new baby, you should leave something of Maddies in there, like maybe a shadow box with somethings that remind you of her & it can be something "gummy" can look at and have in their room to remember her :) and take pics of the way her room is now. i know God will get you threw the hard times. my husband has been deployed in Afghanistan for the past 6 months and the one thing that has help me threw some hard times is to "take it one day at a time". everything seems to workout no matter what, and i know it will for you too! my husband & I are always thinking about you guys and praying!!
Maddie will ALWAYS be a part of you and James and your family. She will always be in your heart, your thoughts, and in your memory. She is with you - she is everywhere. I'm sure you both see lots of signs of this!! Praying for you both and sending heart hugs your way.
I like some of the commenters' ideas here, about incorporating some of Maddie's things into Gummy's room. It is probably hard to imagine the new baby using Maddie's things, but maybe it will bring you some happiness knowing that Maddie would love to share her things with her little Gummy. I can't imagine how difficult it will be to change Maddie's room. But, if you do, you can always tell Gummy, "This is a very special room because Maddie will always be watching over you here." Hugs to you.
Yes it's only natural to have those feelings. My heart breaks for you and your hubby, I can't even imagine what your going through now. Like you said one foot in front of the other and one day at a time. You can do this sweetie!!! Thinking and praying for you and your hubby always!!!!!
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