Video Blog

James and I decided to do a video blog. We were acting kinda silly before this..Hope y'all don't laugh to much! :)

Wow..

Over the past few days a mysterious person has been making comments on my blog trying to bring me down. She claims that she has also lost a child (which I don't believe). Let me just tell you it isn't working. She says I should stop saying life isn't fair and just have another baby to replace Madison. Well if this"person" had truly lost a child they would know that just having another baby will NEVER replace Madison. Yes, I would love to be a mommy to a precious baby on Earth but the time is just not right yet.
So, instead of being mad it just makes me happy. Do you know why? Because I am living my life. I am not hating others for the situation I am in. Yes, it does suck and I have every right to say that. But I am trying to keep on going. I put a smile on my face and I go out into this world with dignity and pride because I am Maddie's mom. I had 4 amazing months with the most beautiful angel, and I am proud to call her my daughter.

Homemade Ice Cream without a Machine (UPDATED!!)

I was searching through a recipe blog the other day and found a recipe for

Homemade Ice Cream without a Machine

YES PLEASE!!!

So, I made it today. I tasted it before I stuck it in the freezer and its yummmmmy. It was so EASY and could be switched up in in instant.

Here is the recipe:
Cinnamon Bun Ice Cream

2 cups heavy cream
1 (14 oz.) Eagle Brand® Sweetened Condensed Milk
3 tablespoons butter, melted
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Whip heavy cream to stiff peaks in large bowl. Whisk sweetened condensed milk, butter, cinnamon, and vanilla in large bowl. Mix well. Fold in whipped cream.

Pour into a 2-quart container and cover. Freeze 6 hours or until firm. Store in freezer.

Read More here

**UPDATE**
I made the ice cream and we were so exited to try it I didnt let it get all the way frozen! It tasted good but had a WEIRD consistency. I am going to try it again with a different flavor and see if that changes anything.

I really don't have any words...

but....

NOT GUILTY.... REALLY??????????????

Casey Anthony is free on the streets!! :(

How is this fair?? She killed her little girl!!!!! It make is physically sick.

I would do ANYTHING to have my Maddie back...How can a mom physically harm her child? I just don't understand...

At least Caylee was set free from that witch.. She is dancing with Maddie in heaven.

Bounce girls bounce.... high on those clouds! Have lots of fun. I am thinking of you both!

Backwards

I feel like I am going backwards in my grieving process. I guess maybe it's because its a Holiday weekend. I don't know but I can't seem to handle the fact Maddie is REALLY gone lately.

It's forth of July weekend. I should be dressing Maddie up in her new red, white and blue outfit and trying to make a bow to match ( I was REALLY bad at making bows before!). We should be swimming with an excited 8.5 month old baby girl. Feeding her baby food and listening to her laugh. But instead James and I are sad..devastated...and alone in a quiet house...with nothing to do and no where to go. We feel trapped.

I feel like the world is moving around us but we are stuck on pause. How can we get out of pause? That I don't know. We are still doing the best we can, but I feel like I am going backwards. I just really want to press play. I know nothing I can do will bring back our Maddie but hopefully one day we can keep living.

James and I went into Maddie's room today and cried. Everything in her room is still the same. I just can't bring my self to change her room. I know she is not coming back but I can't let her go. Dirty clothes are still on her changing table, fresh diapers in her drawer, a paci in her bed, the monitor still next to her bed..all the same..except NO Maddie. James told me he feels like I am pregnant and we are waiting for her to "come home". In a way it does feel like that. She was here such a short amount of time and we loved her from the first sound of her heartbeat. But, in reality she is the one waiting for us to "come home".

I praise God for heaven. Knowing that I will see my Maddie again is what really gets me through the day. I wonder if she will still be a baby? Will I get to raise her in heaven? I hope so!

We miss you Maddiebug..

James made a blog post today...

I'm trying to be strong but it's SO hard

EVERYWHERE I go and EVERYTHING I do reminds me of Maddie.

It's not fair from the moment I wake up to the time I go to bed I am reminded of her..

Today I woke up.. It's Saturday the day James would let me sleep in and he would have daddy and Maddie time. Well not today because my baby is in heaven..

We went to a car show.. A car next to us pulls up (its kinda like James) and they pull out the SAME car seat as Maddie had. The baby is about THE SAME age as Maddie... We can't bring our baby to the car show because our baby is in heaven..

We went to the the store to buy a new board game..The board games are in the toy section. The same toy section I have been in many times to buy Maddie toys..but not any more our baby is in heaven.

We went out to eat and there was a little baby at the table by us... We cant take our baby out to eat because she is in heaven..

Now I am sitting blogging when Maddie used to have Daddy and Maddie time but now I just blog about how much I miss Maddie...because OUR Maddie is in heaven.. :(

I went back.. again..

Today I went back to the graveyard. It's still really hard. I know people keep telling me I don't "have" to go there, but I feel like I do. Maddie is my daughter and she always will be. I know she is always with me but I need to go there to. One day it may not be so hard, but for now its almost unbearable.

Today I ran by Hobby Lobby and got her a pin wheel to place by her flowers. I hope she loves watching it spin. It's got pink with polka dots on it..So "Maddie like". I also brought her a zebra bow!


As I was driving to the cemetery I just keep thinking.... "This isn't right.. I should not have to drive to the cemetery to feel close to my daughter.."and it's NOT right!

The grass around her grave is growing perfectly... so good it needs to be cut now.

I sat and talked for a while. Then I left. I think leaving is almost as hard as going there. I don't want to "leave" my daughter there.. Ug it just hurts.