She asked me the dreaded question, "So is this your first?". I quickly answered no its my 2nd and tried to move on. I will NEVER deny Maddie...ever...but, I didn't want to have to tell my story again.
We kept talking and she said, "How old is your first baby?". In an instant, tears started pouring down my face. I should of just said 4 months and went on, but I didn't. I said, "Well actually she passed away...". The lady felt so bad she tried to change the subject but it was to late. I was bawling. (like snot pouring out of my nose bawling). She was so sweet and so kind. She just kept looking at me with those sad eyes and I couldn't stop crying.
I never once said she passed away from SIDS, but I guess she really didn't need to know that. I guess telling my story never really gets any easier.
In a little over a week it will be a year since I have been telling this story. A story I never thought I would have. A nightmare that came true. For some reason I keep thinking if I can just make it past the 1 year mark everything will be ok. But is that true? Will everything really ever be "ok" again? In all honesty....No. I will ALWAYS miss Maddie. Even if we have 10 more babies I will still miss her. But getting past this big mark will help I think.
23 comments:
I can't imagine loosing a child but I did loose my mom unexpectedly when I was 23 years old. I think making it past the 1 year does seem to help just a bit. If for nothing else it allows you to stop thinking about coming up to that dreaded day. The anticipation of it was horrible and then when it was past it was somewhat of a relief. I think there will always be good days and bad. I am coming up on 5 years and somehow it's harder than years 2-4. It's hard because you know so much time has gone by but the difference between year 1 and year 5 is that I know I will survive it. I'm sure you are already thinking about surrounding yourself with family on that day but I highly recommend it. Don't be alone and allow yourself a chance to just be. If that means crying all day or even having a laugh or two.
Kellie, I did something stupid like that once. One of my college dormates was expecting her second child. I asked her daughter if she was excited to be a big sister and all of the usual stupid questions: boy, girl, you know. What I didn't know is that the baby was anacephalic. He was loved by his family for about thirty minutes and then went back to heaven. Oh when I learned of it, I felt so foolish, awkward,stupid and just plain horrible. Can you tell me, in case I ever find myself in this situation again, what should I say or do? I'm sorry you had a bad day.
I am pryin for u!
From my experience, after we had Ledger that question got just a little bit easier to handle. Don't get me wrong, it hits me hard every time I hear it, but now that I can just turn the conversation back to Ledger it just seems to help. But I hear you, that awkward silence that comes right after you tell them she passed away, which usually brings the tears is horrible. Hang in there.
Ashley Sullenger
Sending hugs to you Momma :(
I am so utterly sorry. My heart is breaking for you.
I will be praying extra hard for you and James.
Kellie... I am so sorry. I have been thinking a lot about you, James, and your families as Maddie's angelversary approaches. I know you feel her everyday but hope that on the day you will find comfort in the wonderful memories you have and feel her even more as she smiles down on you. I know she feels so blessed that she chose you for her parents. Prayers and heart hugs to you and your family.
I am so sorry that you have gone through and going through this. I am praying for you!
For me at least, yes, it got a little easier to put the one year anniversary of my sons death behind me. The days leading up to them were the worst of the worst, but it was as though a weight was lifted once the dates passed on the calendar. Obviously it's not "better", because nothing will make it better, but it did get a little easier to bare. I hope this is true for you, too.
Sorry you had to have this conversation. I get stuck on the "what should I say/what shouldn't I say?" all the time, and while I never deny my son's existence, it's so hard to talk about sometimes.
Thinking of you as this difficult time approaches.
I am sorry. I know how much you and James love Maddie. She is your first Love! I know no baby will ever replace her, not in a million years, but like Ashley said, your next little one will help to ease some of that pain, I think. Jackson is your Hope! He is probably up in Heaven with Maddie right now, spending time with her until it is time for him to join us on earth. Maybe...? I like to think so at least. I am always praying for you and James. Even harder in this hard month. Please know how many people care about you, James, Maddie and Jackson. I wish nothing but the best for you and your beautiful family. Praying for you always!
I am so sorry that you and your husband have to go through this very difficult time. It's ok to cry and don't ever apologize for that. You are in my thoughts and prayers! Hugs!
Praying for you!!!!!!
Hi Kellie, Though I haven't lost a child, I would like to think that things get "easier" after the year of firsts have passed. I don't know, obviously, but that's what I'd think. I'm sure the anniversaries and important days and the days leading up to them will always be hard, but soon Jackson will be here to serve as a reminder that Maddie hand-selected him and is watching all of you from above.
you have been on my heart alot lately.. praying for you and your whole family ... i have not had to walk in your shoes.. but i have dealt with loss at a young age ... it does one day get easier.. one day.. there will never be a time where you wont think of maddie.. there is never a moment that goes by that i dont think of my mom... but eventually one day you will speak of her and the tears wont be as bad as they are now... if i was there i would give you a big hug and wouldnt let go ... thank you again for sharing your story to us all
Hi there. I am a long time follower of your blog but first time to leave a comment. I felt the need to tell you that the first year mark is hard. I lost my nephew in a tragic accident when he was 3 1/2 years old. I had practically raised him so it was devastating for me to lose him. I was a complete basket case that first year and was also dreading the one year anniversary. Once it had passed things got easier to handle. It has been 11 years now since I lost my nephew. My heart still aches for him but I no longer dread dates on the calendar. I wish you peace and strength. God Bless!
Let me say I've been there. It is the hardest, most awkward situation for both parties. You never want to deny the child but you also don't want to be the one to make someone feel so awful. Like another poster said, I like to turn the conversation around so the dreaded question never surfaces.
I think about you almost every day and say a prayer for you!! I can't imagine what you are going through. You are an incredibly strong person and Madison was blessed to have you as her mom. I hope you can remember all the great things about her in the coming up weeks and it helps you get through each day.
I don't know what to say tongiht. But I do want you to know that I am sending up lots of prayers for strength for you and James. Hugs!
Kellie I've been thinking of you contantly and praying! I knew this would be a particularly hard month for you :( Although you are excited about Jackson you are right that you will always love and miss Maddie! I pray that with time it will get easier...love ya!!
I am so sorry you had a bad day. You will definitely be in my prayers as the anniversary approaches. I've never lost a child, and can't imagine.. I lost my dad in an avalanche when I was 12. I remember the first year being the hardest for sure, and the one year mark was very hard. That first year, everything is a "first".. first christmas, first birthday without them, easter, etc.. everything that is worth celebrating reminds you of that loss. I'm sure you know you will still experience hard days especially on significant dates, but it does get easier. Never easy, though. It's been 11 years since my dad died and the anniversary of his death just passed and I bawled all day, the pain was fresh like it just happened though its been over a decade. Not everyday is like that, of course, and now, 90% of the time I'm fine because I've grieved for the past 11 years, but I will never EVER stop missing my dad or stop feeling pain from his loss. ITs a scar I will have to carry for the remainder of my life. I know you know all this, I just felt compared to share... My thoughts and prayers are with you & your family!
Kellie, Are you returning to work after Jackson is born? I was curious because I know you had said in previous posts you were not going to work if and when you had another child?? Just curious.
Hello. I don't know your story but I just want to cry for you. :( A woman I work with had her first baby a couple of months ago - and they knew a few months before he was born that he wasn't going to make it...and he passed away 18 minutes after birth. When I found that out I just started balling. We've been trying for 2 years so while I don't know that specific pain, I do know the pain of wanting a child.
My grandmother - who had 8 children, had one pass at the age of 2 (in 1963). I've always grown up knowing all about my Aunt "peanut" as they called her. She will always be in your heart.
I really have no other words here...but I pray that every day you do feel stronger...
Sending you a million hugs!
The only silver lining is that you do not have to go through it on your own - not that it really helps you in such a situation, but afterwards when you find yourself surrounded by loving family and friends who will surely never tire of hearing your story and sharing your feelings and shouldering your burden with you.
Because these two things will never go away: The love of your loved ones, and the fact that Maddie is your daughter.
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