Thursday, March 31, 2011

Torn..




Maddie went to heaven 6 weeks ago today …6 weeks.. How could have been that long ago? That’s half of my maternity leave….6 WEEKS!!!

I was told that time will be my best friend and my worst enemy and they were right. On one hand I am glad its been 6 weeks. I have had 6 weeks to heal but on the other hand it’s been 6 weeks since I have seen or held our Maddie…and that hurts. I am looking at the pictures on my desk of her, and I just want to reach into them and pick her up. She looks just the way I remember her. Thankfully I don’t really remember how she looked at the funeral. I do remember saying she doesn’t look like Maddie, but she didn’t look bad. I am glad I remember her just the way she was..cute, chunky, hands in a fist and full of laughs only for mommy.

Today I feel torn. I feel like I am falling apart. I go through a whole range of emotions everyday. I am happy for a little while, then sad, and happy again. I guess this has to be normal. I have to be healing because I was just sad all the time. Now I feel like I CAN be happy. Maddie wants her mommy to be happy!

You know I could not of made it through any of this without James, my family and friends. I want to talk about each any every person that has helped me heal. Today I want to talk about my best friend Catherine. We were good friends before this happened, but this has made us so much closer. Catherine and I met at work (in 2006). I never knew we would become so close, but I am SO glad we have. I am so lucky she is in my life. She has seen me start my first day of teaching, buy a house, fall in love, get married (she was a bridesmaid in my wedding), have a baby, and sadly lose my baby. She was the first person I called (at the hospital) when we got the devastating news. As soon as she found out she was there. I think she took a plane or something because she was was there in like .5 seconds. As soon as I saw her I started crying and hugging each other. I dont think we even said anything. That day is such a blur to me (thank goodness). Catherine was there when I needed her the most! She was been right beside me through all of this. I know this has been so tough on her you see...Catherine is now 31 weeks pregnant. I am sure it was so hard going to your best friends daughter's funeral...Seeing my baby in a casket while hers was in her tummy. I cant even imagine how she must of felt. I told her a million times I understood if she couldn't come....but she was there for me. Holding me up when I so desperately wanted to fall. That's what bestfriends are for. We have cried together, laughed together and prayed together. She is truly my best friend..my sister at heart!


Catherine and I on my wedding day!!!



Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Great day...


I am having a great day..they are few and far between so I wanted to post about it. It's even poopy outside..but nothing is going to get me down today!!! I LOVE having good days.


My friend, Meg, looked up some scriptures with the number 8:40 and it's amazing what she found..read this:


Miracles of Healing

Luke: 8:40-56


40 And as Jesus returned, the people welcomed Him, for they had all been waiting for Him. 41 And there came a man named Jairus, and he was an official of the synagogue ; and he fell at Jesus' feet, and began to implore Him to come to his house ; 42 for he had an only daughter, about twelve years old, and she was dying. But as He went, the crowds were pressing against Him. 43 And a woman who had a hemorrhage for twelve years, and could not be healed by anyone, 44 came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His cloak, and immediately her hemorrhage stopped. 45 And Jesus said, "Who is the one who touched Me?" And while they were all denying it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing in on You." 46 But Jesus said, "Someone did touch Me, for I was aware that power had gone out of Me." 47 When the woman saw that she had not escaped notice, she came trembling and fell down before Him, and declared in the presence of all the people the reason why she had touched Him, and how she had been immediately healed. 48 And He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well ; go in peace." 49 While He was still speaking, someone came from the house of the synagogue official, saying, "Your daughter has died ; do not trouble the Teacher anymore." 50 But when Jesus heard this, He answered him, "Do not be afraid any longer; only believe, and she will be made well." 51 When He came to the house, He did not allow anyone to enter with Him, except Peter and John and James, and the girl's father and mother. 52 Now they were all weeping and lamenting for her; but He said, "Stop weeping, for she has not died, but is asleep." 53 And they began laughing at Him, knowing that she had died. 54 He, however, took her by the hand and called, saying, "Child, arise !" 55 And her spirit returned, and she got up immediately ; and He gave orders for something to be given her to eat. 56 Her parents were amazed ; but He instructed them to tell no one what had happened.


Reading this has made my day even better. It just makes me feel good. Today is a good day! How could I not be happy when this little girl is an angel watching over me? Love you Maddie I'm sure you have beautiful wings.


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

8:40..

8:40..

Last Thursday when I got to work I noticed my clock stopped at 8:40. I didn't really think anything about it until the next day it was WORKING AGAIN. Weird right? This morning I noticed the clock over our microwave stopped at 8:40. How could it be possible that 2 clocks have stopped at 8:40? Nearly impossible huh? I don’t understand why Maddie is sending me the time 8:40, maybe one day I will understand...but I am glad I am getting signs.

Mama Bracelets, the company that made one of my favorite bracelets, wrote an excellent article on what to say or do after an infant loss. The blog is so well written..Go HERE to read it.

Speaking of my favorite bracelet. I wear it every day. It's so pretty. Mama Bracelet's does great work. I would recommend them to anyone. You can get a Maddie Angel bracelet here.

Remember how I want to share as much information as I can about SIDS? A fellow angel mommy and friend, Michelle ,shared her story on local 2 news. It's about bumpers in cribs... please go watch it! Maddie and Anna Kathryn had the same bedding (the company only made 2 different sets). The week before Maddie passed away I put breathable bumpers in Maddie's crib. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take out regular bumpers use nothing or breathable ones.


The onesie says it all ..he he


Monday, March 28, 2011

Spring for SIDS update..and update on us.

Wow, it all I can say! James and I are amazed by the donations coming in for team M.

So far Team M has raised $1,538 which is AWESOME!!!

Spring for SIDS occurs on April 29th so there is still plenty of time to donate. Don't forget to wear pink & a bow that day in honor of Maddie and Macie! (Donate HERE-Dont forget to put Team M)

Thanks SO much for all your donations!

Today it hit me. I was sitting at my desk before the kids got to school and I realized.. I will never get to see Maddie again (on this Earth)...and it made me so SAD!! I want to see her sooooooo BAD! That thought is NOT how I wanted to start my day.

Also, this morning Roula and Ryan were talking about the biggest mistakes 1st time parents make. I called 10 times to try and get on the radio to talk about SIDS but couldn't get in...and that made me sad to so I changed the station to country and I hear..."Our baby girl.." So I changed the station AGAIN!!!!!! Well I could look at that two ways... 1. Be mad because Maddie is gone or 2. It's a sign from Maddie that we are going to have another little girl.. I think I like the 2nd one better!

Here is our Maddie just a few weeks old waving at the camera...





SIDS reasearch

SIDS Research Ongoing research is being conducted to determine the cause for sudden infant death syndrome. Recent studies have revealed some possible leads. Brain Abnormalities and SIDS Some doctors theorize that SIDS babies may have a defect in the arcuate nucleus, which is the area of the brain that regulates blood pressure, breathing, and body temperature, along with sleeping and waking processes. More specifically, this defect appears to affect serotonin, a neurotransmitter that spreads messages between the brain and nerve cells. Researchers discovered that SIDS babies often had problems with the way serotonin functioned in their brains. For example, if a baby without this defect breathes stale air while sleeping, an automatic reaction triggers the baby to move or to wake up and cry, increasing oxygen intake and adjusting the heart rate. But a baby born with this brain defect is not able to respond to the trigger because the message concerning the stale air is not being transmitted properly. This could result in SIDS. This brain abnormality might work in a similar way when a baby is overheated. Normally, if a baby is too warm, he or she will wake up and move or cry. But in a baby who has this defect, the brain might not trigger that response, again possibly leading to SIDS. Defects in other parts of the body may also be responsible for increasing SIDS risk. For example, some abnormalities may form if a fetus is exposed to a toxic substance, such as cigarette smoke. Also, fetuses of mothers who smoke during pregnancy may not receive the right amount of oxygen before birth, making the baby more sensitive to changes in oxygen levels after birth. Dangers of Covers Over the Infant's Head In June 2008, a team of researchers from New Zealand reported that covering the head (e.g., with blankets) might play a role in SIDS deaths. After reviewing SIDS cases in New Zealand and Germany, the researchers found that in 15.6% of New Zealand SIDS cases and 28.1% of German SIDS cases, the infants' heads were covered and sweaty before they died. This occurs more often in older infants than younger babies, corresponding to the infant's growing ability to move in the crib. Bacterial Infections and SIDS In May 2008, British researchers announced a possible connection between Staphylococcus aureus and Escherichia coli (E. coli) infections and SIDS. In this study, samples of bacteria were taken from 470 infants who had died before their first birthday and examined. Of the group, researchers discovered higher levels of bacteria present in babies whose deaths were unexplained and attributed to SIDS than in those whose deaths were attributed to causes that could be explained. It was noted that around 8 to 10 weeks of age, a common age for SIDS occurrences, babies normally start to lose the antibodies they were born with, which were obtained through the placenta. Because infants in the study had not yet built up enough of their own antibodies, they might not have been able to fight off infection. It is important to note, however, that this connection is still considered a preliminary finding that needs further research. There is not enough evidence to say that bacterial infections can cause SIDS. Inner Ear Abnormality and SIDS In 2007, a connection between newborn hearing and SIDS was reported. In this study, newborn hearing test results of 31 infants who had died of SIDS were evaluated and it was determined that each baby had an abnormality in the right inner ear. It may be possible that this inner ear abnormality is connected to the ability of the infant's body to adjust the respiratory system when carbon dioxide levels increase. Inner ear damage may occur during delivery, particularly if the mother is in labor for more than 16 hours. Usually, this type of injury heals by the time the baby is 6 months old; the age of 6 months is generally when the incidence of SIDS starts to decrease. However, further research is needed to determine whether this inner ear abnormality can predict a higher risk for SIDS. Also, newborn hearing tests are not regulated worldwide, so a more reliable measure would be necessary to accurately predict risk. Genetics and SIDS In January 2007, researchers reported that approximately 10% of SIDS babies have a mutation in a heart gene that can cause deadly changes in heart rhythms (arrhythmias). Further research is necessary to determine whether widespread heart screenings for newborns is warranted and, if so, the best procedures to use. A mutation in a heart protein was discovered in 2006. When this defect is present, it increases the risk for SIDS in African American babies 24 times. This genetic mutation causes an irregular heartbeat when oxygen levels have lowered. In 2004, researchers in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania and Phoenix, Arizona reported the discovery of a mutated gene that had been passed down through two generations of nine Amish families. This gene mutation affects the body's ability to regulate breathing and heart rate. In this study, 21 babies in the families who had this mutation died of SIDS. Researchers are now studying the gene in non-Amish children to determine if the mutation is common in non-Amish populations. Depression in Mothers and SIDS In a study conducted in 2007, researchers reported that babies born to mothers who had experienced depression during the year before delivery were five times more likely to die of SIDS than babies whose mothers had no history of depression. However, more research is needed to determine if additional factors, such as low birth weight and premature birth are related to this link. Air Quality and SIDS A connection between pollution and SIDS in California was reported in 2006. By studying levels of carbon monoxide, nitrogen dioxide, ozone, and other air particles at different intervals before infant deaths, researchers concluded that exposure to high levels of pollution increased the risk for infant death before the age of 1 year. The study also indicated a higher risk for premature infants and infants with low birth weight; however, it did not explore the roles of other factors, such as secondhand smoke and infant sleeping position. The study also noted the relationship between pollution and death from SIDS and other respiratory diseases, not SIDS alone. Testosterone and SIDS In 2006, researchers reported unusually high levels of testosterone in both male and female infants who had died of SIDS when compared to babies who had died of other causes. High testosterone levels can be linked to a decrease in ventilation among sleeping adults and ongoing studies are being conducted to determine if there is a cause and effect relationship between these levels and SIDS. Other SIDS Research According to the American SIDS Institute, "…most (60–70%) of the [SIDS] deaths are related to a subtle chronic abnormality, which occurs before birth. At this time, we do not know the specific pattern or nature of this chronic abnormality." The Institute plans to conduct extensive research to develop tests that will help doctors identify the abnormality at birth. In addition, researchers will conduct studies during pregnancy to help determine what prenatal factors might lead to this abnormality and how to prevent the abnormality from occurring. All information was taken from http://www.pediatrichealthchannel.com/sudden-infant-death-syndrome/research.shtml#adjump

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Another day stronger...

James and I have not been to church in a long time. We couldn't leave Maddie in the nursery because our poor girl had colic and often cried. I always wanted to go, but I couldn't leave her. We were joined at the hip.

Today we went to a new church. I wanted to go to a church where no one knows us. I didnt want to answer any questions about our baby.

I was excited all week to go to this new church. This morning James and I slept in, got up, got dressed and headed to church. I was still excited. The church was so big and pretty. There were so many people walking in, I just knew it was going to be a great place! When we got there the service had already started and the band was singing. The assistant pastor told all visitors to fill out the victor cards, so James and I did just that. This is what it looked like:
1. Your name:
2. Your spouse' name:
3. Child's name (M/F)

As soon as I saw that I lost it...in the middle of church. This is supposed to be a place where I can be happy..and we get this question...WHY?! I just kept thinking I wanted to leave. But, I knew we needed to be there. The rest of the church was singing and praising Jesus and I was crying.. asking God why? Why did he have to take Maddie.. I cried almost the whole service. When service let out there were so many babies. I felt like I was at a daycare. I know it will get easier, but today church was hard. That is not going to keep us from going back. We have plans to go there next week with my mom.

After church James and I went to lunch ..and guess what? more babies! Maybe it's a sign.. Maybe we need to have another baby?

You know what else I think is a sign? Every time James and I go water Maddie's tree there is a lady bug on her angel statue by her tree. I love that little ladybug. She makes me smile.

I keep hearing about more babies dying of SIDS and it breaks my heart. My goal is to spread SIDS awareness. Not many people are aware of SIDS. I will do everything I can to educate moms and dads and I hope I can save some lives!
Mama Bracelets and I have been in conversation and they posted a blog all about SIDS. Go read it, its really good!!

Please go donate to Team M. When I get a total of how much we have donated I will post that!


Our Maddie at the pumpkin patch...

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Markers..

Today was hard.. James woke up sad and that makes me sad. We both cried this morning because we miss our family time with Maddie. Today James really missed it. He would always take care of Maddie while I slept in on Saturday's. They would have daddy and Maddie time.

Today we also had to do another thing we have both been avoiding...going back to the funeral home. We REALLY didnt want to go back into that place. We have such BAD memories there...but we had to. We HAD to go back in there for Maddie. We had to submit our design for her headstone. Luckly we had already designed it and we just needed to make sure everything was correct. We were there only 5 minutes.

I think the hardest part about today was going to her actual resting spot and putting down the flowers I made. That hurt..it made it real. There is no marker there because we just designed her headstone... but we knew where she was because there is new grass. I used to love new grass. I really don't know how I feel about it anymore. It was peaceful there today. James put her flower in the ground and then it got cloudy except for some sun shining down on her flowers. I think it was Maddie's way of telling us she loves them. They are very pretty!


I asked James to take my picture by Maddie's flowers without even thinking. I always took pictures with Maddie before so I thought "Well why not take picture by her grave..". That was not the right thing to ask James to do.. and I realize it now. I feel so bad! He got very upset and I did to. This isn't right. We should not be taking pictures at our Maddie's grave. NO! This isn't RIGHT!!!! She is our healthy, precious little girl.. She was never sick and so cute.. This is not what we should be doing!!!

You know what tho? Life isn't fair.. but God know James and I can handle this. James and I are truly blessed to of given birth, held, kissed, loved and been a part of a true angels life.

We miss you Maddie so much.

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Using images by Laurie Ann at After 5 Designs and The Design Girl at ScrapMatters.