Torn..

Maddie went to heaven 6 weeks ago today …6 weeks.. How could have been that long ago? That’s half of my maternity leave….6 WEEKS!!!

I was told that time will be my best friend and my worst enemy and they were right. On one hand I am glad its been 6 weeks. I have had 6 weeks to heal but on the other hand it’s been 6 weeks since I have seen or held our Maddie…and that hurts. I am looking at the pictures on my desk of her, and I just want to reach into them and pick her up. She looks just the way I remember her. Thankfully I don’t really remember how she looked at the funeral. I do remember saying she doesn’t look like Maddie, but she didn’t look bad. I am glad I remember her just the way she was..cute, chunky, hands in a fist and full of laughs only for mommy.

Today I feel torn. I feel like I am falling apart. I go through a whole range of emotions everyday. I am happy for a little while, then sad, and happy again. I guess this has to be normal. I have to be healing because I was just sad all the time. Now I feel like I CAN be happy. Maddie wants her mommy to be happy!

You know I could not of made it through any of this without James, my family and friends. I want to talk about each any every person that has helped me heal. Today I want to talk about my best friend Catherine. We were good friends before this happened, but this has made us so much closer. Catherine and I met at work (in 2006). I never knew we would become so close, but I am SO glad we have. I am so lucky she is in my life. She has seen me start my first day of teaching, buy a house, fall in love, get married (she was a bridesmaid in my wedding), have a baby, and sadly lose my baby. She was the first person I called (at the hospital) when we got the devastating news. As soon as she found out she was there. I think she took a plane or something because she was was there in like .5 seconds. As soon as I saw her I started crying and hugging each other. I dont think we even said anything. That day is such a blur to me (thank goodness). Catherine was there when I needed her the most! She was been right beside me through all of this. I know this has been so tough on her you see...Catherine is now 31 weeks pregnant. I am sure it was so hard going to your best friends daughter's funeral...Seeing my baby in a casket while hers was in her tummy. I cant even imagine how she must of felt. I told her a million times I understood if she couldn't come....but she was there for me. Holding me up when I so desperately wanted to fall. That's what bestfriends are for. We have cried together, laughed together and prayed together. She is truly my best friend..my sister at heart!

Catherine and I on my wedding day!!!