Today we went to a new church. I wanted to go to a church where no one knows us. I didnt want to answer any questions about our baby.
I was excited all week to go to this new church. This morning James and I slept in, got up, got dressed and headed to church. I was still excited. The church was so big and pretty. There were so many people walking in, I just knew it was going to be a great place! When we got there the service had already started and the band was singing. The assistant pastor told all visitors to fill out the victor cards, so James and I did just that. This is what it looked like:
1. Your name:
2. Your spouse' name:
3. Child's name (M/F)
As soon as I saw that I lost it...in the middle of church. This is supposed to be a place where I can be happy..and we get this question...WHY?! I just kept thinking I wanted to leave. But, I knew we needed to be there. The rest of the church was singing and praising Jesus and I was crying.. asking God why? Why did he have to take Maddie.. I cried almost the whole service. When service let out there were so many babies. I felt like I was at a daycare. I know it will get easier, but today church was hard. That is not going to keep us from going back. We have plans to go there next week with my mom.
After church James and I went to lunch ..and guess what? more babies! Maybe it's a sign.. Maybe we need to have another baby?
You know what else I think is a sign? Every time James and I go water Maddie's tree there is a lady bug on her angel statue by her tree. I love that little ladybug. She makes me smile.
I keep hearing about more babies dying of SIDS and it breaks my heart. My goal is to spread SIDS awareness. Not many people are aware of SIDS. I will do everything I can to educate moms and dads and I hope I can save some lives!
Mama Bracelets and I have been in conversation and they posted a blog all about SIDS. Go read it, its really good!!
Please go donate to Team M. When I get a total of how much we have donated I will post that!
Our Maddie at the pumpkin patch...
36 comments:
So glad the angel statue I sent you gives your little ladybug a home! This post really touched my heart! Continuing to send prayers your way!
Kellie~
I'm so glad you and James decided to attend church today. I know that I tend to cry during services too, so I can only imagine how YOU must have been feeling. You have lots of supporters in the readers of your blog. God bless <3
~Carolyn
I honestly believe that church is meant to make you feel good...if what you got out of that service and that experience is to have another baby, then I say go for it. Do only what makes YOU feel good and what makes YOU feel right. We are all pulling for you and James! Much love, Lisa!
I think Maddie is bringing Savanna to visit you and her tree! Hang in there momma!
Kell,
You are so loved. Your brother and I want you to know that we think you are the best mommy and daddy in Houston. You are very strong and we love you.
MiMi
ya! have another baby!!! i cant wait to see what it will be or what it will look like!! your such a good mom your kids are going to be so lucky to have you as a mom!
Kellie, I read and keep up with your blog often.
I wanted to tell you my insurance company has a Future Moms program for pregnant mothers. Part of it is SIDS awareness. The nurse Friday asked me if I knew the list of things and she rattled them off and I said I did. She asked me how and I told her. Her prayers are with you too. Further, she was so impressed with you educating others. She was proud she also had a mom that day that didn't poo poo her SIDS information and said "yep, we are doing that and that and that and that and that too" in order to try and help prevent SIDS. I just wanted to share with you the difference you are making.
So funny you said that about the lady bug. I've seen one land on my daughter the last three times we've been to the park. I've always believed lady bugs were a sign from lost loved ones. :) maybe that's Maddie telling you she's there. Maybe all the babies is a sign to have another.. idk I think only you two know when you will be ready. still thinking of you and praying daily for you.
Ashley in crowley tx
i completely agree with a previous commented who wrote that if you got out the service that you should have another baby, maybe that's what you should do.
::hug::
YOU ARE AMAZING AND INSPIRING... CONTINUE TO PRESS FORWARD PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND TRUST IN THE LORD... KNOW THAT HE HAS A PLAN FOR YOUR PRECIOUS FAIMLY AND MADDIE IS UR LITTLE ANGEL WATCHING OVER YOU:)
I think Maddie would want you to have another baby. She wants you to be happy and to tell her little brother or sister all about how much you loved her.
Kellie,
Hoping tomorrow is a beautiful day for you. Enjoy your day at school... those little munchkins love you!!! And like all the other mama's are saying, if you and James think the babies were signs to try for a little brother or sister for Maddie, you've got plenty of support from all of us!!! You are already such great parents and Maddie & all the future babies are so lucky to have you
Much love,
Victoria
i love how little Maddie is sending you a message to let you know she's ok.... :)
after my brother passed, I kept seeing a monarch butterfly on my moms lilac tree.... I knew it was a sign that he was in God's hands safe and sound.
Thinking of you!!!
Emily
I'm sorry that church was hard. Maybe all of the babies were Maddies way of saying hi. If every time you see a baby you think of her, maybe she is showing you babies so that you will do just that. You and James are amazing parents! Don't ever forget that.
Lots of love from Georgia!
Sometimes God does things to draw us closer to him! I hope church is easier next week. Hang in there sweet girl!! I think it is a great idea to think about another baby.. This may help you alot.. Not that a new baby will take Maddies place by any means but I see nothing but good out of the idea =) Sleep tight!!! ((( hugs)))
I think it's courageous that you and your husband tried a new church today, although you still experienced pain while you were there. I think you should have another baby! I think that's what Maddie would want. You'll be able to tell the new baby all about his or her big sister-and that, in and of itself will bring you so much healing and joy!
Just wanted to let you know that I took off the traditional bumpers from my 6mo olds crib and put on the breathable one! Thanks.
I've been following your blog since one of my friends posted on fb about your Maddie. I've never commented before though. My daughter wore a bow for Maddie and we also played outside for her last week, we think about her often. You're such an inspiration. I'm glad you made it to church today, as hard as it was. And I love that there's a ladybug by her tree. Stay strong, momma.
-Rebecca
Your blog brought me to tears tonight as I have also lost it in church for similiar reasons. I guess it's a good place to lose it.
Perhaps the babies are a sign...but don't stress on it. Just love each other and a baby could come of it.
:) Peace and blessings.
Kellie,
If you feel that you are receiving signs for you to have another baby you just need to pray about it the lord will show you the way. He just let me know that it was time for me to have another one and I did not even know I wanted another; really I did not think that I wanted anymore and when someone would ask I would flat out say NO I’m not having anymore. Was I ever wrong! And no I did not get pregnant I have had an IUD for 3 years and he let me know it was time to take it out and start trying to tell you the truth I have not stopped thinking about having another or about a child that has not even been conceived. Once I let it go all the pain and hurt feelings that I was holding on to from my second pregnancy (I miscarried my first at 2 months, I was really young and did not even know that I was pregnant it still hurt really badly though). I got relay excited about another child. I believe that you and James should have another child you obviously loved/love Maddie a great deal and you where good parents. Why would the lord not want you to have another? No one knows the reason but god had one for Maddie and she just fulfilled her destiny and he was ready for her to come home to him. If anyone deserves a child to love and care for I believe it is you and James.
I know it is hard but stick with church he (god) is where your strength comes from. He wants to hold you and help you through this hard time in your life.
As always my thought and Prayers are with you and James. May the lord bless you and keep you all the days of your life.
Kristy
Kellie, I just want you to know that every night I go into my scrapbook room, turn on the computer and listen to The Rocket Club song and say a prayer for you, James and Maddie. You guys are an amazing family, and God knows this! Stay strong with each day God gives you! Hugs!
Kellie,
I woke up with a heavey heart for you this morning. I immediately texted my Sunday School Class and we started praying first thing this morning. God knew that you were going to need it so you could have the strength to make it through church. I found something today that made me think of you. It was a wish locket in the shape of a heart and it said Never Lose Hope and on the back was an Angel. It was to let you know that you have an Angel watching over you and that someone somewhere is praying for you. I hope you have a good week and I know that if you decide that you are ready for another baby that Maddie would be so happy and you and James will be wonderful parents again. Don't let the enemy put things in your head(such as fear about having another child or telling you that if you have a baby, you will be replacing Maddie because thats not true. I promise when you have another baby, you will still think about Maddie because I still think about my baby). He tries his best to defeat us and get us down. Rebuke him in the name of Jesus and he will flee. Praying for you!!!
I agree you should have another baby, you are such a great mother, i read your post everyday and pray for you, you are meant to be a mommy! A little brother or sister for maddie would be great, she wont let anything happen to a new baby she will watch over them! When the time is right go for it! Bless you and you husband for being so strong through all this!
I love that there is always a lady bug on the statue near Maddie's tree. I feel sure that that is a sign from her.
I have difficulty going to church because of all the babies and pregnant women there. Three months after Jacob died, I was doing the nursery and was fine during, but after church ended I broke down in the coffee room. All the pregnant women coming into the nursery to pick up their toddlers had just been too much for me and now I'm scared to go. I've only been a handful of times since then, which I'm not proud of either.
let me cry with you right now!!! I had my first miscarriage almost 10 years ago and I still remember somehow zoning in on E-V-E-R-Y S-I-N-G-L-E pregnant mom. When I became pregnant again, I was so scared to do anything (I thought the miscarriage was my fault)And to this day pregnant women A-L-W-A-Y-S catch my eyes but now instead of crying, I am able to pray a prayer of health and well being for the baby and mom. I just recently heard a song called stronger and think of you every time I listen to it. Not sure how to link it in a post but you can visit my blog it's in the sidebar if you want to hear it. (Oh and now E-V-E-R-Y-T-I-M-E I see pink I am thinking of Maddie and praying for you!!!!!
Kellie...thinking of you and your family as always. Your posts always bring tears to my eyes. Having another baby may be a great way to begin healing. I understand your need to nurture. Maddie will always be with you and having another little one to talk to about Maddie would be very special. Good luck and God Bless.
I'm sorry church was hard for you sweetie. Continue to follow your heart, Kellie. God sends us messages through our hearts.
I am so glad that you both made it to church. The story about the ladybug amazes me, I found a ladybug in the sheets of my bed last night. I have always loved ladybugs, so I got up and let it outside. They are beautiful. I think that is great that you are playing with the fact of having another baby. I am very sad to hear that James is having his hard days, that must be so hard for you to watch, and for him to watch you have your bad days too. You both will get through this. God Bless.
My posts keep showing as my husband lol. This is Ashley Dubois, I post on your facebook page frequently.
If you feel you should have another baby, then I say go for it. After I lost my first, all I wanted was another baby, I dont have any problems with fertility so it happened exactly 3 months later. My daughter was born on the same day i lost my first, just a year later.
If you had problems conceiving Maddie then you never know how long it will take to get pregnant again, I would go for it. Maddie would want to see her mommy and daddy cooing over her baby brother or sister. I firmly believe she will be his/her guardian angel and not let anything happen. You are a wonderful mommy. I believe if you were able to devote more time to your crafts you could have a full time job on your hands. You already have a large fan base. Bows, blocks, inital bow holders, even picture frames, and painted name signs and things like that. Even if that just kept you able to make ends meet for the first year, it would be worth it to stay home. Follow your heart. <3
Ashley in Houma, La
God Bless
I heard this song today and it made me think of you and James. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUGIE46gplk Matthew West, Strong Enough. daily prayers for you and your families.
To tell you the truth...Ever since I read about Maddie on your blog I kept thinking "Maybe they should try for another baby." Two years ago I had a missed miscarriage. Everything "baby" made me cry. When I saw a pregnant woman I envied her and asked myself "Why her and not me?" Why did other women who did not take care of themselves or care for their unborn child get to keep theirs? I was devastated and heartbroken for a year...that's when I found out I was pregnant again. My daughter is 4 months now.
Big hugs to you....Did you know that when you see a lady bug...it means GOOD LUCK!?!
This was a refreshing post. I think you are healing more than you think. I personally have a close family friend who also lost their first baby at 4 months 2 yrs ago. In that same year they lost Anna Todd and had about 6 months of going through the grieving process properly, they were pregnant with Chatam the following fall... and she has literally brought more joy and smiles to that family than ever before. I've talked to Joni about what it was like, does she still love Anna Todd the same, does she still miss her, does she still refer to her as the oldest, and that she has 2 daughters when ppl ask, and she answered YES to each of those questions. She says it doesn't make her sad anymore it makes her happy when others ask about her that even though Anna Todd was only here for a short period of time she has had such a huge impact on so many lives... including mine. So maybe it is a sign from God that having another baby could be the best thing for you and your husband. A way to bring joy and smiles to your face. Yes you will always remember Maddie, forever, but you shouldn't feel guilty about wanting another baby!! Their God's gifts to us!!
I am glad you guys went to church. I am sure it was hard but you took another big step. I am praying for the next steps The Staats family takes.
Hi. My name is Ashley and I found your blog through a friend's blog. I know you posted this forever ago, but I just wanted to tell you about our church. I am LDS and we believe in eternal families. So not only will we be able to see our families when we go to heaven, but we will be able to live with them for eternity! We are sealed as families and as long as we are good people nothing can ever break that bond that God makes between us as families. Maybe you have already been to our church, but I didn't feel right leaving this post without saying something.
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