Maddie's birthday is getting closer. It will be here before I know it. That means I should have a (almost) 2 year old running around. But I don't and it hurts. Luckily (ok not lucky) I don't know what milestones she should be doing and I wont dare look it up. All I know is that I miss her so much. Jackson reminds me so much of her. They have a lot of the same features. Looking at him makes me so happy but so sad. Jackson makes me love life again but seeing him makes me miss her SO very much.
I sit and wonder how can we make her birthday special this year? Maybe we can release lady bugs again, or we can do something different. All I know is I want Jackson to be apart of it. I want him to know all about his sister. I wish he could of met her. He would of loved her. James and I have been talking about how we are going to tell Jackson what happened to his sister granted we do have a long time until he understands.
This is all so hard. I am the happiest I have been in a long time but so very sad at the same time. I know that probably doesn't make any sense. I just miss my Maddiegirl.
I love my two babies. Look at them they look so much alike.
13 comments:
Kelly it makes prefect sence to be so happy yet so sad. And I believe Jackson got to meet his sister with her angel wings on before he got to meet you. I think it is great that you still are going to do something for her birthday and let Jackson be a part of it. Your story breaks my heart.
No it makes perfect sense. They do look so much alike. Both of them are lil beauties :) Jackson has the best big sis/gaurdian angel EVER :) She's always around you all, I'm sure of that :)
My heart hearts for you. Like Terri said, I think it's awesome how you are doing something for her birthday & you will tell Jackson all about her. Praying for you!
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I think it makes complete sense what you are saying, and they are your feelings and they are valid and real. I know you and James will do a wonderful job of telling Jackson all about Maddie. And the pictures, they have the same nose and mouth, but Jackson looks like a Little James to me!
Both of your babies are beautiful, Kellie.
Praying for you and James always!
I am a teacher and found your blog through a teaching blog soon after Maddie passed away. I check here often to see how you are doing. I can not begin to imagine how much your heart aches for Maddie to be here with you. You have a special little angel watching over you and so does little Jackson. You are right, they look so much alike. They are beautiful little babies.
I'd say you're right on track with every normal range of emotions, given your situation. It is SO good to see you living life though, and moving forward (notice how I didn't say moving on??)
There's no doubt you keep photos of Maddie around. I lost my father when I was 16, and it is unbearably painful to have three gorgeous children of my own and not be able to share them with him. He would have made the BEST grandpa. I have a huge picture of him in my hallway, and every now and then I stop my girls and tell them a little something about him. My way of sharing the most awesome man in the world with them.
Look to God always, for the guidance and courage you need to get through each and every day. After all, He's the one who has your Maddie ;) all the instruction you'll ever need will come from Him.
Blessings, Kel.
As a parent I can't imagine losing a child but as a sibling I know what it's like to grow up without my older brother. He died from SIDS at 3 1/2 months but my parents told me about him growing up. I wish we would of had birthday celebrations growing up for him(the 80s were so different than today). It's a great way to remember her and to teach Jackson all about his big sister.
I understand that fight of feelings. I look at my kids and think if I did not lose my little girl I would not have them but still what a sacrifice. I guess we know a small part of how God felt when he sacrificed His son for us!
Here is an idea for Maddie's birthday: You can get floating lanterns and light them off at sunset.
Not knowing you and James I used to think Jackson looked just like James...but the newer pictures he looks JUST like you!!! Its amazing the resemblance...I would probably have a different opinion if I knew you guys...I am glad everything is well for you! You deserve it Kellie!
Your babies are so beautiful! Jackson will always have her and will always love her, just like you do!
Your babies are gorgeous! They do look so much like each other. Everytime I see a ladybug now I think of Maddie. Keeping ya'll in my thoughts and prayers!
It makes total sense. You will always miss her and of course watching your other baby grow will always give you pause to think about how old she would have been, how they would relate to eachother. You guys are so, so strong. I have a 4 month old baby and I return to my teaching job in 2 weeks. I'm so uneasy about leaving him and I think of you all the time. I can not imagine the pain, knowing how much I love him and how he has become my whole world in his short time on Earth. You have endured the most horrendous thing possible. Any feelings you have about it are completely understandable. Thank you for sharing your story and your Maddie. She was so beautiful and it's clear how much you miss her. And thank you for educating people about SIDS. I am super careful with my LO (even though of course I know it can't be prevented and no one is to blame, reading your story made me think about things). I insist my day care provider keep the snuza on him at all times and I'm particular about how and where he sleeps and when I feel a little silly about it, I just remind myself of your story. I'm so sorry you lost your girl. Nobody deserves that. Jackson will love learning about his big sis and you clearly have a lot of love to give and I hope you have a bunch of kids who will help your heart go on.
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