Today I have been in a funk. I woke up to an ant infestation in my kitchen. What a great way to start the day. While cleaning up the hundreds of ants the cloud of grief swept over me. I stood in the kitchen and started crying.
I don't want to do this! Can I even do this? Jackson will live. I know it. But, I also know everything he does that she didn't get to do I am going to think..."I wish Maddie could of done this". We are getting to that stage now. Jackson rolled over twice. Maddie never did that. We will be feeding his cereal in the future. Maddie never got to do that. It's just not fair.
I think I may be back to the angry stage in my grief process. I am so mad that she is not here. I think what I am really mad about is that there is no good explanation of why she is gone. They told us she died of SIDS.....SIDS...Whatever that is. Thats just an a nice way of saying they have no clue why she died. I am back to wanting answers. The truth is ....we will never know and it makes me mad!
I am going to try and bust out of my funk. I need to go kiss Jackson and tell him how much I love him.
Please pray for us as the days get closer.
16 comments:
Love you honey! We will make it together! Jackson is our hope!
Praying for you lots girl! You've come so far and I'm so happy to see where you are now. Next week will be hard but you have a little man to love on the whole time.
Blessings.
Jac
Praying for you always Kellie!
Praying hard. On a side note, mix Borax and sugar together and scoop it into cut up pieces of plastic straws to get rid of the ants. I put it behind my sink and under.
And borax is at hardware stores and Walmart too I think.
Keeping you in my thoughts. This has to be so difficult. Stay strong, momma!
Praying for you both! His mercies are new every morning <3 <3
Still praying for you. You have no idea how your blog has changed my life. It has made me appeciate everything I have more. As for the pesky ants, dioamatecous earth can be a life saver. Food grade is probably your best bet.
Sometimes I think we are confused when we are trying to be strong I think it takes a stronger person to allow yourself to feel whatever it you are feeling. I say be mad be in a funk you have every right to be. Don't push it down. Just remember just as its ok to feel these things it's also important to stop. (I know you know this) One last thought the root of anger is fear. You're probably back in anger because you're just a little scared. I would be too.
I sure hope, Maddie does what she always seems to have done in the past: She will send you a sign that she loves you on that day, and let you know she's happy to be your daughter.
Sending you a bear hug!
:( im sorry you have to go therough all of this. I recently read something that said a possible cause of SIDS is SMA, one in every 40 people is a carrier, so if two people who carry the gene have a child, there is a 25% chance their child will have SMA. Because the symptoms of SMA generally don't show until 3-6 months, it's possible a child could pass away from "SIDS" before being diagnosed. Maybe you and James could get tested for it, it may lead to come answers and some closure.
I am praying for you!
Praying for you all the time!
this made me cry. I am so sorry for you, maddie and james. Praying for you
I am very sorry for your loss. I have seen your blog through the Sullengers blog. I dont mean to be rude or insensitive but did Maddie just have her 4 month vaccinations before she died of SIDS? I have done lots of research on vaccinations and how harmful they can be. A great resource is VAXTRUTH.ORG. Just a thought.
I am so sorry for your loss. Did Maddie just have her 4month immunizations before she died of SIDS? I have done lots of research about the dangers of vaccinations and a great website is VAXTRUTH.ORG
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