As I sat down last night I read her blog about the last hours of her sweet Luke's life. It hurt. I know the situation was completely different but all the pain from Maddie passing away came flooding back...being in the emergency room, not wanting to leave without my baby, going to the funeral home, picking out her casket, going home, collapsing in her room, picking up her toys, trying to decide if I should keep her toys or let her rest with them, deciding what to wear...It goes on and on. I felt sick. Why does this happen? It's not fair!
Then I felt bad. I felt bad that I have been happy. I feel like my heart is starting to heal. Jackson has been such a blessing in our lives. He has made us smile again. He has made me love life again. But, I feel guilty. How can I be this happy when my baby girl is gone. It is such a strange range of emotions I go through on a daily basis. Happy, hurt, joy, longing, pain,....
I feel bad I haven't taken Jackson to Maddie's spot yet. I just don't know if I am ready. I know I am going to be a mess..a complete mess! Am I ready for that? It's going to hurt so bad. We shouldn't be taking Jackson to a cemetery to visit his sister. She should be here pestering him,laughing and kissing him. Oh how my heart hurts.
I don't even know where I was going with this post. I just want to remind everyone to kiss your kids a few more times today. Give them one extra hug. You never know if it will be the last time.
Also, please pray for my friend Amber. Pray for her family during this difficult time.
11 comments:
It's okay to be happy sweet friend. Maddie would want her mommy to be happy. She's happy where she is. It's okay to be happy. It's so good to see some of the old happy Kellie shining through. Love you girl!
Praying for you and Amber. ((hugs))
Don't feel guilty for being happy, Maddie is in Heaven! You will always miss her, and you will always wonder what she would be like, but if you spend the rest of your life feeling sad and guilty, your family will miss out on knowing the real you. It is ok to be sad, miss her, and is it defiantly ok to be happy that you have Jackson!
The nicest thing someone from high school did for my sister was to reach out to her after her son died. She had a daughter who was stillborn, so even though their grief was "different" it was the same. Never be afraid to reach out, even though you are in a happier place then she is right now she needs to hear from someone that has been through it.
Its ok to be happy, Maddie wants you to be happy. She loves ya'll so much and is waiting for you with Jesus. Praying for ya'll as always and sending prayers for your friend.
As others have said you deserve to be happy. You will always ache for the lost moments and memories with your maddie. But the lord has blessed you with Jackson and that is something to be joyous about! Just keep making maddie a part of your everyday lives as you do. Your an amazing strong woman! I love reading your blog and it broke my heart to read your friends story. But makes me treasure all the moments I have with my daughter daily for sure. Life truly is amazing! Thank you for being so open and honest with your feelings
I am so sorry...I will be praying for comfort for your friend. I will continue to pray for you as well. For the feelings you struggle with daily, and the emotions that you have to forever deal with.
I will not pretend to know your pain, but I will say this...you have every right to be happy! You and James deserve that child you have. Jackson deserves to have a happy mom and dad. Maddie is in Heaven watching you all and I know for a fact she wants everyone to be happy. Don't feel like being happy and in love with Jackson is bad or wrong in Maddie's eyes. You will always love Maddie, and she knows that. She knows how much she is loved and she knows that siblings will also get the love from you and James too. No one thinks that a happy mom means you have "moved on" or no longer care about your precious girl.
I;m sure you already know all of this, but I love to hear how happy you guys are and how much joy Jackson has brought you both.
Praying for you always!
You're right, there are no words that could possibly help.
But please allow yourself to be happy about Jackson. To me it seems that this is one of his little life's purposes, to make mommy and daddy really happy and make his sister proud. I bet, sweet Maddie would want that for you, after all it must have been one of her life's purposes as well!
All the best wishes for you and your family, and also for your friend. I hope she can find her way through this crisis, as you are doing every day!!!
A blog I follow really touched my heart today about grieving and living - www.prayfornoah.com - I think you can relate. Stay strong :)
You honor Maddie by being happy.
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