Yesterday I had another scare. I thought we were going to have to go to the hospital. I was contracting every 2 minutes. They were horribly painful contractions too. I tried to stay calm and figure out what may of set them off. I had drank tons of water. I didn't really get up to much. I did go to my moms and lay on her couch. I was just so tired of laying in our bed. You can only stay in 1 place for so long. After about an hour of contracting every 2-5 minutes I decided it was time to call the doctor (not my dr- the on call dr). I told him what was going on. He told me to go on bed rest for the rest of the day. This is exactly why I dont like talking to the on all doctors. I fell like they have no clue what is going on with me. After explaining to him that I was on bed rest and I was "resting" when this happened. He suggested taking some Tylenol and going to bed. He told me I could go in if I wanted to, but he didn't want to waste my time. I was beyond frustrated at this point. I already knew that. So, I just laid and continued timing my contractions. Little by little the time in between them got longer and longer. Finally they stopped. I'm still not sure what brought them on but today I have not left the bed.
Today it hit me.... why am I SO anxious to have Jackson? After I give birth to him I am no longer physically protecting him. I feel like he is so vulnerable after that. I know God already has his life planned, but this feeling of helplessness as a mom that I have will not go away. Of course I will do everything to protect him, but I am going to worry about him 24/7. I will be lucky if I can sleep at all in the next 18ish years. I know that is silly to think , but its the truth. I know I HAVE to sleep and let others take care of him. I know this, but is my mind and body going to let me? I hope so. I am praying that James and I will be able to do this.
Next week is our CPR training for infants. I am nervous. I am not nervous about the training I am nervous to know exactly what EMS did to my Maddie girl. That freaks me out. I pray that I will be able to get through this class without a breakdown. I am so lucky it a private class with just our family. I know I will be supported through the whole thing. I am just scared.
Sorry for being in a funk. I need to get out of it. Feeling better today has helped. I did finish "Catching Fire" today. I was pretty good. I am will start the 3rd book tomorrow. Tuesday is my next dr's appt and I am excited. I get to have an ultra sound, NST and see the dr. I cant wait to see Mr. J on the big screen. Any bets on his weight this time? Its been 2 weeks..Last time he weighed 5 pound 2 ounces.
21 comments:
I think every mom experiences that a little, but we can all understand how magnified that feeling must be for you. I hope you bake him as long as possible and that you are able to relax a but once he is here. Hugs!!!!
I've been following your story since you lost your sweet Maddie. I'm praying for your sweet Jackson. I've prayed every night for you and James since Maddie went to heaven. I do hope you've sought professional counseling and continue to do so. Your feelings are completely normal regarding feeling your need to protect Jackson. But talking to someone will help you work through them and come up with some coping strategies.
I am so glad he is still in! In pregnancy wise I was in a similar situation as you. I would go into pretrem labor between 22-24 weeks and be on bed rest the rest of the time. I feel for you. I know its not fun and contractions come out of the middle of no where. By the end of my pregnancies my doctors said it was just my body not being able to handle pregnancy. But I was in L&D all the time and there is not a whole lot they can do other than give you peace of mind that your baby will be in a little while longer. The test they run is pretty accurate (forgot the name)if you were going to go into labor within 2 weeks. I know you hear stories all the time. But just know we are all praying for you and hope for the best!
I'm praying for you and Jackson and that everything works out. You're such an awesome mama already -- wanting to protect him as long as possible! Hang in there!
Kellie, I'm curious. What do you think Jackson weighs? There have been studies done that mothers seem to be closer to guessing the birthweight of their infant than their doctor or ultra sound measurements. My doctor tested this theory with me when my daughter was born. I told my husband and doctor (who's my husband's colleague) just before she was born that she would be 5 pounds 12 ounces. I guessed right on the nose! 5 lbs 12 oz she was! So tell us! How much do you think he weighs?!
So glad to hear from you!
Love,
Marie
I would say 6 pound right now :)
I am so sorry you're feeling this way Kellie!! :( I cannot imagine everything that is going through your mind right now. Praying for your sweet Jackson to stay in and bake a while longer. I know you'll love seeing him via u/s this week! I'm guessing he's around 6-6 1/2 pounds now!
Hang in there!! I'm 32 weeks tomorrow and although this is my first child I know that anxious feeling. I also worry about leaving her behind with anyone even my husband, so I can't imagine what it's like in your situation. I pray and think about you often! You don't know me, but I just want you to know that prayers,love,everything is headed your way! Your so strong and can make it. When you hold baby J in your arms this will all float away. :)
I can tell you that you are perfectly normal for worrying about Jackson after his arrival. I was the same way with my rainbow babies. My rainbows are now 8 years and 5 years and I still get up several times throughout the night to check on them just to watch them breathe. I figure I can sleep when I'm old and near the end of my time on this earth. You will adjust to the lack of sleep. I can't tell you that everything will be just fine with Jackson, but I can tell you that you will get through it. Hold on to what you have in this moment and let God take care of the future.
I wish I could make all of your worries go away so you can enjoy all of this more :) I pray that when he gets here and your loving on him you'll be able to forget about them. I am guessing he weights 6lbs 1oz :)
It must bring you comfort in knowing Maddie is watching over her little brother and she is protecting him as his BIG Sister! I continue to pray for you & James and am so happy you are having a baby :-) I have to warn you, Mommy's boys steal their Mommy's hearts!!!! Lol. Blessings & get rest!! ~Melissa
Good luck Kellie. I read EVERY time you update :D (I have another friend who lives near Dallas... pregnant with a baby girl... she's going to name her Leighton Claire.) They're having a C-section on 17 May I believe. SO EXCITED for both of you.
I'm sorry you're having to go through these scares. Just focus on the precious things like feet pajamas, and the sweet scent of baby lotion as you cuddle his tiny head under your chin. And that heart swelling moment as he sleeps on your chest.
*hugs* PRAYING FOR YOU!!
I know the feeling of being anxious when you think about not being able to protect your baby from everything. But I've been amazed that I don't worry as much as I thought I would.
Can't wait for you to hold a new baby in your arms again. Its such an amazing experience, and help heals a small part of that gaping hole in your heart.
Always praying and thinking of you and Jackson. I know Princess Maddie is watching over Jackson and will help protect him. Lots of hugs...
All of those feelings are normal and understandable, Kellie. I am praying for you and Jackson, and James of course too!
I think EVERY mom feels that way about their child - just wanting to protect them but feeling like it is impossible to do 24/7. I am sure you are extra anxious since Maddie went to be with Jesus so unexpectedly, but like you said, God has everything already planned out so just remember to stay STRONG and breathe! You are doing an amazing job already with Jackson - so proud of you and James!
Hugs from Georgia
Jennifer oxoxoxoxoxoxo
Your feelings are totally normal after losing a child. After my first loss (twins that I lost very early on) I was absolutely paranoid when I was pregnant with my now 5 year old. My doctors told me that a loss is a loss and it's totally normal to feel paranoid, excessively worry, etc....because you feel like you had no control over the loss and you are trying like crazy to control the situation as much as humanly possible. It does get easier...but I'm still WAY overprotective of both of my kids. I'm afraid to leave them with anyone....they have never had a babysitter and they have never spent the night with Grandma and Grandpa even though I totally trust my parents...it's just something in me that feels the need to have them in my sight at all times. I know this isn't healthy but it's my way of trying to protect them every single second of every single day. I pray that Jackson stays in there until he's due to come out and I pray that you will have the peace to "let go and let God".....hugs!
Infant CPR is very simple. It's nothing too, too scary. I have lots of faith in y'all :) I can't wait to see what this little man looks like!
Your feelings are purely natural and you have every right to feel like you do. You know what they say, troublesome pregnancies lead to easy babies.
Phew, that sounds like another rough day for you, poor you!
I am glad that the contractions went away, this is really bound to freak a mom out!
This is really the hardest part about being pregnant, right? Well, sure, you're worrying all the time about eating right, drinking enough, being as calm and serene as possible all the time and watching out not to catch any bugs and whatnot.
Well, you know what they say, mothers are angels in training. I bet you must be class winner!
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