Thursday, March 31, 2011

Torn..




Maddie went to heaven 6 weeks ago today …6 weeks.. How could have been that long ago? That’s half of my maternity leave….6 WEEKS!!!

I was told that time will be my best friend and my worst enemy and they were right. On one hand I am glad its been 6 weeks. I have had 6 weeks to heal but on the other hand it’s been 6 weeks since I have seen or held our Maddie…and that hurts. I am looking at the pictures on my desk of her, and I just want to reach into them and pick her up. She looks just the way I remember her. Thankfully I don’t really remember how she looked at the funeral. I do remember saying she doesn’t look like Maddie, but she didn’t look bad. I am glad I remember her just the way she was..cute, chunky, hands in a fist and full of laughs only for mommy.

Today I feel torn. I feel like I am falling apart. I go through a whole range of emotions everyday. I am happy for a little while, then sad, and happy again. I guess this has to be normal. I have to be healing because I was just sad all the time. Now I feel like I CAN be happy. Maddie wants her mommy to be happy!

You know I could not of made it through any of this without James, my family and friends. I want to talk about each any every person that has helped me heal. Today I want to talk about my best friend Catherine. We were good friends before this happened, but this has made us so much closer. Catherine and I met at work (in 2006). I never knew we would become so close, but I am SO glad we have. I am so lucky she is in my life. She has seen me start my first day of teaching, buy a house, fall in love, get married (she was a bridesmaid in my wedding), have a baby, and sadly lose my baby. She was the first person I called (at the hospital) when we got the devastating news. As soon as she found out she was there. I think she took a plane or something because she was was there in like .5 seconds. As soon as I saw her I started crying and hugging each other. I dont think we even said anything. That day is such a blur to me (thank goodness). Catherine was there when I needed her the most! She was been right beside me through all of this. I know this has been so tough on her you see...Catherine is now 31 weeks pregnant. I am sure it was so hard going to your best friends daughter's funeral...Seeing my baby in a casket while hers was in her tummy. I cant even imagine how she must of felt. I told her a million times I understood if she couldn't come....but she was there for me. Holding me up when I so desperately wanted to fall. That's what bestfriends are for. We have cried together, laughed together and prayed together. She is truly my best friend..my sister at heart!


Catherine and I on my wedding day!!!



Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Great day...


I am having a great day..they are few and far between so I wanted to post about it. It's even poopy outside..but nothing is going to get me down today!!! I LOVE having good days.


My friend, Meg, looked up some scriptures with the number 8:40 and it's amazing what she found..read this:


Miracles of Healing

Luke: 8:40-56


40 And as Jesus returned, the people welcomed Him, for they had all been waiting for Him. 41 And there came a man named Jairus, and he was an official of the synagogue ; and he fell at Jesus' feet, and began to implore Him to come to his house ; 42 for he had an only daughter, about twelve years old, and she was dying. But as He went, the crowds were pressing against Him. 43 And a woman who had a hemorrhage for twelve years, and could not be healed by anyone, 44 came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His cloak, and immediately her hemorrhage stopped. 45 And Jesus said, "Who is the one who touched Me?" And while they were all denying it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing in on You." 46 But Jesus said, "Someone did touch Me, for I was aware that power had gone out of Me." 47 When the woman saw that she had not escaped notice, she came trembling and fell down before Him, and declared in the presence of all the people the reason why she had touched Him, and how she had been immediately healed. 48 And He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well ; go in peace." 49 While He was still speaking, someone came from the house of the synagogue official, saying, "Your daughter has died ; do not trouble the Teacher anymore." 50 But when Jesus heard this, He answered him, "Do not be afraid any longer; only believe, and she will be made well." 51 When He came to the house, He did not allow anyone to enter with Him, except Peter and John and James, and the girl's father and mother. 52 Now they were all weeping and lamenting for her; but He said, "Stop weeping, for she has not died, but is asleep." 53 And they began laughing at Him, knowing that she had died. 54 He, however, took her by the hand and called, saying, "Child, arise !" 55 And her spirit returned, and she got up immediately ; and He gave orders for something to be given her to eat. 56 Her parents were amazed ; but He instructed them to tell no one what had happened.


Reading this has made my day even better. It just makes me feel good. Today is a good day! How could I not be happy when this little girl is an angel watching over me? Love you Maddie I'm sure you have beautiful wings.


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

8:40..

8:40..

Last Thursday when I got to work I noticed my clock stopped at 8:40. I didn't really think anything about it until the next day it was WORKING AGAIN. Weird right? This morning I noticed the clock over our microwave stopped at 8:40. How could it be possible that 2 clocks have stopped at 8:40? Nearly impossible huh? I don’t understand why Maddie is sending me the time 8:40, maybe one day I will understand...but I am glad I am getting signs.

Mama Bracelets, the company that made one of my favorite bracelets, wrote an excellent article on what to say or do after an infant loss. The blog is so well written..Go HERE to read it.

Speaking of my favorite bracelet. I wear it every day. It's so pretty. Mama Bracelet's does great work. I would recommend them to anyone. You can get a Maddie Angel bracelet here.

Remember how I want to share as much information as I can about SIDS? A fellow angel mommy and friend, Michelle ,shared her story on local 2 news. It's about bumpers in cribs... please go watch it! Maddie and Anna Kathryn had the same bedding (the company only made 2 different sets). The week before Maddie passed away I put breathable bumpers in Maddie's crib. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take out regular bumpers use nothing or breathable ones.


The onesie says it all ..he he


Monday, March 28, 2011

Spring for SIDS update..and update on us.

Wow, it all I can say! James and I are amazed by the donations coming in for team M.

So far Team M has raised $1,538 which is AWESOME!!!

Spring for SIDS occurs on April 29th so there is still plenty of time to donate. Don't forget to wear pink & a bow that day in honor of Maddie and Macie! (Donate HERE-Dont forget to put Team M)

Thanks SO much for all your donations!

Today it hit me. I was sitting at my desk before the kids got to school and I realized.. I will never get to see Maddie again (on this Earth)...and it made me so SAD!! I want to see her sooooooo BAD! That thought is NOT how I wanted to start my day.

Also, this morning Roula and Ryan were talking about the biggest mistakes 1st time parents make. I called 10 times to try and get on the radio to talk about SIDS but couldn't get in...and that made me sad to so I changed the station to country and I hear..."Our baby girl.." So I changed the station AGAIN!!!!!! Well I could look at that two ways... 1. Be mad because Maddie is gone or 2. It's a sign from Maddie that we are going to have another little girl.. I think I like the 2nd one better!

Here is our Maddie just a few weeks old waving at the camera...





SIDS reasearch

SIDS Research Ongoing research is being conducted to determine the cause for sudden infant death syndrome. Recent studies have revealed some possible leads. Brain Abnormalities and SIDS Some doctors theorize that SIDS babies may have a defect in the arcuate nucleus, which is the area of the brain that regulates blood pressure, breathing, and body temperature, along with sleeping and waking processes. More specifically, this defect appears to affect serotonin, a neurotransmitter that spreads messages between the brain and nerve cells. Researchers discovered that SIDS babies often had problems with the way serotonin functioned in their brains. For example, if a baby without this defect breathes stale air while sleeping, an automatic reaction triggers the baby to move or to wake up and cry, increasing oxygen intake and adjusting the heart rate. But a baby born with this brain defect is not able to respond to the trigger because the message concerning the stale air is not being transmitted properly. This could result in SIDS. This brain abnormality might work in a similar way when a baby is overheated. Normally, if a baby is too warm, he or she will wake up and move or cry. But in a baby who has this defect, the brain might not trigger that response, again possibly leading to SIDS. Defects in other parts of the body may also be responsible for increasing SIDS risk. For example, some abnormalities may form if a fetus is exposed to a toxic substance, such as cigarette smoke. Also, fetuses of mothers who smoke during pregnancy may not receive the right amount of oxygen before birth, making the baby more sensitive to changes in oxygen levels after birth. Dangers of Covers Over the Infant's Head In June 2008, a team of researchers from New Zealand reported that covering the head (e.g., with blankets) might play a role in SIDS deaths. After reviewing SIDS cases in New Zealand and Germany, the researchers found that in 15.6% of New Zealand SIDS cases and 28.1% of German SIDS cases, the infants' heads were covered and sweaty before they died. This occurs more often in older infants than younger babies, corresponding to the infant's growing ability to move in the crib. Bacterial Infections and SIDS In May 2008, British researchers announced a possible connection between Staphylococcus aureus and Escherichia coli (E. coli) infections and SIDS. In this study, samples of bacteria were taken from 470 infants who had died before their first birthday and examined. Of the group, researchers discovered higher levels of bacteria present in babies whose deaths were unexplained and attributed to SIDS than in those whose deaths were attributed to causes that could be explained. It was noted that around 8 to 10 weeks of age, a common age for SIDS occurrences, babies normally start to lose the antibodies they were born with, which were obtained through the placenta. Because infants in the study had not yet built up enough of their own antibodies, they might not have been able to fight off infection. It is important to note, however, that this connection is still considered a preliminary finding that needs further research. There is not enough evidence to say that bacterial infections can cause SIDS. Inner Ear Abnormality and SIDS In 2007, a connection between newborn hearing and SIDS was reported. In this study, newborn hearing test results of 31 infants who had died of SIDS were evaluated and it was determined that each baby had an abnormality in the right inner ear. It may be possible that this inner ear abnormality is connected to the ability of the infant's body to adjust the respiratory system when carbon dioxide levels increase. Inner ear damage may occur during delivery, particularly if the mother is in labor for more than 16 hours. Usually, this type of injury heals by the time the baby is 6 months old; the age of 6 months is generally when the incidence of SIDS starts to decrease. However, further research is needed to determine whether this inner ear abnormality can predict a higher risk for SIDS. Also, newborn hearing tests are not regulated worldwide, so a more reliable measure would be necessary to accurately predict risk. Genetics and SIDS In January 2007, researchers reported that approximately 10% of SIDS babies have a mutation in a heart gene that can cause deadly changes in heart rhythms (arrhythmias). Further research is necessary to determine whether widespread heart screenings for newborns is warranted and, if so, the best procedures to use. A mutation in a heart protein was discovered in 2006. When this defect is present, it increases the risk for SIDS in African American babies 24 times. This genetic mutation causes an irregular heartbeat when oxygen levels have lowered. In 2004, researchers in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania and Phoenix, Arizona reported the discovery of a mutated gene that had been passed down through two generations of nine Amish families. This gene mutation affects the body's ability to regulate breathing and heart rate. In this study, 21 babies in the families who had this mutation died of SIDS. Researchers are now studying the gene in non-Amish children to determine if the mutation is common in non-Amish populations. Depression in Mothers and SIDS In a study conducted in 2007, researchers reported that babies born to mothers who had experienced depression during the year before delivery were five times more likely to die of SIDS than babies whose mothers had no history of depression. However, more research is needed to determine if additional factors, such as low birth weight and premature birth are related to this link. Air Quality and SIDS A connection between pollution and SIDS in California was reported in 2006. By studying levels of carbon monoxide, nitrogen dioxide, ozone, and other air particles at different intervals before infant deaths, researchers concluded that exposure to high levels of pollution increased the risk for infant death before the age of 1 year. The study also indicated a higher risk for premature infants and infants with low birth weight; however, it did not explore the roles of other factors, such as secondhand smoke and infant sleeping position. The study also noted the relationship between pollution and death from SIDS and other respiratory diseases, not SIDS alone. Testosterone and SIDS In 2006, researchers reported unusually high levels of testosterone in both male and female infants who had died of SIDS when compared to babies who had died of other causes. High testosterone levels can be linked to a decrease in ventilation among sleeping adults and ongoing studies are being conducted to determine if there is a cause and effect relationship between these levels and SIDS. Other SIDS Research According to the American SIDS Institute, "…most (60–70%) of the [SIDS] deaths are related to a subtle chronic abnormality, which occurs before birth. At this time, we do not know the specific pattern or nature of this chronic abnormality." The Institute plans to conduct extensive research to develop tests that will help doctors identify the abnormality at birth. In addition, researchers will conduct studies during pregnancy to help determine what prenatal factors might lead to this abnormality and how to prevent the abnormality from occurring. All information was taken from http://www.pediatrichealthchannel.com/sudden-infant-death-syndrome/research.shtml#adjump

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Another day stronger...

James and I have not been to church in a long time. We couldn't leave Maddie in the nursery because our poor girl had colic and often cried. I always wanted to go, but I couldn't leave her. We were joined at the hip.

Today we went to a new church. I wanted to go to a church where no one knows us. I didnt want to answer any questions about our baby.

I was excited all week to go to this new church. This morning James and I slept in, got up, got dressed and headed to church. I was still excited. The church was so big and pretty. There were so many people walking in, I just knew it was going to be a great place! When we got there the service had already started and the band was singing. The assistant pastor told all visitors to fill out the victor cards, so James and I did just that. This is what it looked like:
1. Your name:
2. Your spouse' name:
3. Child's name (M/F)

As soon as I saw that I lost it...in the middle of church. This is supposed to be a place where I can be happy..and we get this question...WHY?! I just kept thinking I wanted to leave. But, I knew we needed to be there. The rest of the church was singing and praising Jesus and I was crying.. asking God why? Why did he have to take Maddie.. I cried almost the whole service. When service let out there were so many babies. I felt like I was at a daycare. I know it will get easier, but today church was hard. That is not going to keep us from going back. We have plans to go there next week with my mom.

After church James and I went to lunch ..and guess what? more babies! Maybe it's a sign.. Maybe we need to have another baby?

You know what else I think is a sign? Every time James and I go water Maddie's tree there is a lady bug on her angel statue by her tree. I love that little ladybug. She makes me smile.

I keep hearing about more babies dying of SIDS and it breaks my heart. My goal is to spread SIDS awareness. Not many people are aware of SIDS. I will do everything I can to educate moms and dads and I hope I can save some lives!
Mama Bracelets and I have been in conversation and they posted a blog all about SIDS. Go read it, its really good!!

Please go donate to Team M. When I get a total of how much we have donated I will post that!


Our Maddie at the pumpkin patch...

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Markers..

Today was hard.. James woke up sad and that makes me sad. We both cried this morning because we miss our family time with Maddie. Today James really missed it. He would always take care of Maddie while I slept in on Saturday's. They would have daddy and Maddie time.

Today we also had to do another thing we have both been avoiding...going back to the funeral home. We REALLY didnt want to go back into that place. We have such BAD memories there...but we had to. We HAD to go back in there for Maddie. We had to submit our design for her headstone. Luckly we had already designed it and we just needed to make sure everything was correct. We were there only 5 minutes.

I think the hardest part about today was going to her actual resting spot and putting down the flowers I made. That hurt..it made it real. There is no marker there because we just designed her headstone... but we knew where she was because there is new grass. I used to love new grass. I really don't know how I feel about it anymore. It was peaceful there today. James put her flower in the ground and then it got cloudy except for some sun shining down on her flowers. I think it was Maddie's way of telling us she loves them. They are very pretty!


I asked James to take my picture by Maddie's flowers without even thinking. I always took pictures with Maddie before so I thought "Well why not take picture by her grave..". That was not the right thing to ask James to do.. and I realize it now. I feel so bad! He got very upset and I did to. This isn't right. We should not be taking pictures at our Maddie's grave. NO! This isn't RIGHT!!!! She is our healthy, precious little girl.. She was never sick and so cute.. This is not what we should be doing!!!

You know what tho? Life isn't fair.. but God know James and I can handle this. James and I are truly blessed to of given birth, held, kissed, loved and been a part of a true angels life.

We miss you Maddie so much.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Tired..

I'm exhausted...

so VERY tired..

but I did it.. I made it through a full work week... 5 days ( and a photo class).. I DID IT!
((I promise I'll post about my class soon))

I am so tired its 8:30 and I'm about to go to bed.

Please don't forget to donate to team M!

As soon as I find out how much money we have raised I will post it.. I hope its a BIG number!!!!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Excited..nervous..and mad!

Mad..

I am mad because our perfect little girl went to be with Jesus 5 weeks ago today. I am mad because I feel cheated...Cheated of the rest of her life. I know I have said it a million times already, but it's NOT FAIR!!!! Somedays I feel like I can do this.. Today isn't one of them. It think because it's Thursday. Thursday's are now my least favorite day of the week!!!! But then again I think... I HAVE to do this...for James and for our future babies. I have to keep going. Everything I do is for James and our future children...bows, blocks, photography, teaching, SIDS awareness all for them and Maddie too <3

Excited..and nervous...

I am excited and nervous because I am taking a photography class tonight with this talented Houston photographer, Chris W. I am so excited and so nervous. I hope tonight I learn some GREAT tips. Wish me luck!!!

Also please go donate for TEAM M!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Spring For SIDS


Lisa and I have been working on this event for quite some time now. We are happy to be sharing this finally!!!

Lisa is Macie's mommy. Macie went to be with Jesus January 25th, just a few weeks before Maddie. They believe Macie passed away from SIDS but do not have the autopsy results back.


Spring-for-SIDS is a national event sponsored by the American SIDS Institute to raise awareness about SIDS and to raise funds for SIDS research. We, Lisa and I are using our blogs and other outlets to spread awareness across the country. We hope you join us in our fight against Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

How do you join in the fight? Each person who makes a $5 donation will receive a sticker and a SIDS information card. Most of our bloggy friends do not live clost to us...So , how will we give them a sticker?? Well you wont get one (sorry)...but you can still donate!!!!

Also on April 29, 2011 National Spring for SIDS Day we are asking everyone who donates to wear pink and a bow of course in honor of Maddie and Macie.

Donate here
Please make sure when you donate you put in the team name "Team M"

Questions from kids..

Did you have your baby??? This is the question a sweet little girl asked me this morning. I simply answered, "Yes, I did." Then she told me, "my baby sister almost died...." She kept talking but I wasnt listening. This can't be happening. It was 8:30 and my day had not even started yet. She kept talking and I knew I coudln't just walk away, so I said "Ok have a great day honey...". I felt bad but I couldn't hear her talking about another baby ALMOST dying when my baby is dead.



then...



Another little girl saw Maddie's picture on my desk and started asking about her. She asked me who she was and I said, "my daughter..". Thankfully she didnt ask any other questions..and I didnt start crying. Maddie will always be my daughter.

Later on today....

A child asked me, "Where is Maddie? Is she at home?"... I just ignored her..and she asked me AGAIN!!! She is at home with our heavenly father. I just wish she was at OUR home. I guess I am being selfish, but I just want her back!!!!

I am being tested today... and guess what? I'm winning.




James and I were talking about this the other day. It feels like Maddie was just a dream. I have pictures, videos and memories but her not being here it just doesnt seem real anymore..and I HATE this. Why can't it be real? God must of REALLY needed Maddie for some reason. I wonder why?



There are so many questions I want to ask God. This seems so silly but I want to make a list of my questions. I wonder if I can take it to heaven with me?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Reality..

Reality...

I think it's final sunk it.. She not coming back. Maddie is really gone. This whole time I keep thinking, "Oh Maddie's just at my moms house...". She stayed over there often, but she's not. She really is gone. I will really never get to see her again until I meet Jesus.

I really want to see her, but I don't want to speed up my life. I know she will always be waiting for me in heaven. I want to enjoy my time here on earth with James, my future babies, family and friends. What I really want it to to love life again. I want to feel that joy I felt when I was with Maddie. I miss that so much!!!

From this tragedy I have learned to appreciated every day! Tell your family, and friends you love them often, and enjoy life. You just never know when its your time. Sing, laugh, dance, act silly, goofy off, cry, and do what you love! Don't let anyone get you down.. this is your life live it to the fullest.

Meg's friend made this for us.. It made us cry..It's so sweet! Thank you!!!

Information about SIDS

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is one of the leading causes of death among infants one month through one year of age in the United States. The National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) defines SIDS as the sudden death of an infant under one year of age which remains unexplained after a thorough case investigation, including performance of a complete autopsy, examination of the death scene and review of the clinical history. SIDS is a diagnosis of exclusion, assigned only once all known and possible causes of death have been ruled out.

SIDS claims the lives of almost 2,500 infants in the US each year - that's nearly 7 babies every day.
SIDS is not caused by "baby shots."
SIDS deaths occur unexpectedly and quickly to apparently healthy infants, usually during periods of sleep.
SIDS is not caused by suffocation, choking, or smothering.
SIDS is not caused by child abuse or neglect.
SIDS is not contagious.
SIDS occurs in families of all races and socioeconomic levels.
SIDS cannot be predicted or prevented and can claim any baby, in spite of parents doing everything right.


Reduce The Risk
We don’t know what causes SIDS, so we cannot say how to “avoid” it, but we can provide you with the most up-to-minute guidelines for reducing the risk of SIDS and other sudden unexplained infant deaths (SUID). First and foremost, educate yourself and everyone who cares for your baby on how to reduce the risks by following these guidelines:
1. Always lay your baby to sleep face up.
Side and tummy positions are not safe; check with your doctor if your baby has breathing problems.
2. Don’t smoke while pregnant and never smoke near your infant.
While pregnant or considering pregnancy do not smoke. Never let others smoke near your baby. Smoking is a major risk factor for SIDS.
3. Don’t let your baby get too hot.
Overheating is a leading risk factor for SIDS. Dress your baby in as much or as little as you would wear. If your baby is sweating, has damp hair, or a heat rash, he or she may be too hot. Room fans have been shown to reduce the risk of SIDS. Consider using a wearable blanket or other type of sleeper instead of a blanket.
4. Lay your baby to sleep in an approved crib, on a firm mattress.
Do not let the baby sleep on soft things, like a couch, pillow, sheepskin, foam pad, or waterbed. Remove all loose bedding, stuffed animals, and pillows from crib. Crib bumpers are not recommended and can be hazardous.
5. Create a healthy lifestyle for you and your baby.
When pregnant, see your doctor often and do not use drugs or alcohol. Talk with your doctor about changes in your baby and how your baby acts.
6. If possible, breast feed your baby.
Breast feeding has been shown to reduce the risk of SIDS.
7. Offer your baby a pacifier at all sleep times.
Pacifiers have been shown to reduce the risk of SIDS.
8. Put your baby on his or her tummy to play when your baby is awake and supervised.
Make sure someone is always watching. “Tummy Time” is good for your baby because it makes neck and shoulder muscles stronger.
9. Don’t share sleep surfaces.
Adult beds, couches, and chairs are not safe for infant sleep and increase the risk of SIDS, suffocation and accidental infant death. After breast feeding put your baby back in his or her crib.
10. Share these tips with everyone who cares for your baby.
Education is the key to keeping your baby safe.
Information from http://www.cjsids.org/

Monday, March 21, 2011

Then I realized she is gone..

Someone posted this on my business page today and it's so true...A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!!

I went back to work today. I had a rough morning. I just couldn't get going. I was running late..got to school and I was sad. I knew it was going to be one of those days.

It was great seeing my kiddos lovely faces. I missed them. They are so loving and kind. They always know just when I need a hug. I love my job..but it is so hard to go to. It just reminds me of everything I am going to miss with our Maddie and it reminds me of that dreadful day.

So, today was hard. I thought about Maddie all day (like I always do). I think its really hard now because I talked to CPS and they told me about the time range they think Maddie passed away(somewhere between 12:30-1:00)...remember I was at school. So every time it gets close to 12:30, I hurt...BAD. My heart starts beating fast and I feel like I cant catch my breath. I try to calm my self down..sometimes I can't. I keep thinking I should of known something was going on with my baby at that time on that horrible day, but I didn't know. I wasn't there. That also hurts my heart.

At the end of the day I was talking with my co-workers and thinking about how pretty it was and immediately thought, " I cant wait to go pick up Maddie...". Then I realized she is gone...and I was sad...so sad. Why do I still have these moments? Last week I was in Wal-Mart and I saw the baby formula. I thought in my head, "Maddie needs more formula.." I even started to walk towards it and then thought... Oh wait she is gone. It's moment like this that hurt the most. I just love her SO much that I feel like she is still here. I know she is always with me. I know I say this a lot but, I just wish I could see her. I wonder what she looks like today. I bet she is STUNNING with those angel wings.

Oh, I just miss her so much!!!


Jessica is doing a scrapbook for us about the people who's lives we have impacted. If you would like to submit your story and photos here is her e-mail address: jjgelinas@verizon.net. (Thanks Jessica. I cant wait to see it!!!!)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Another hard day..

Today has been a rough day. I know sometimes I will have these days, but I don't like them. They make me sad.

I miss Maddie so much today. I want to see her, hold her, and kiss her. I wish so bad this didn't happen to us, its just not fair. I know I say that all the time, but really its just not fair!

I feel like I didn't get to say a proper "good bye" while she was alive. I don't know if I wrote about this or not but the last day of my old life (the day Maddie passed away) the babysitter was mad at me. She accused me of running over her trashcan. She was usually a very chatty lady but that morning she was very standoffish and she was hurrying me out the door. I usually stayed about 15 minutes and played with Maddie before I left to go to work. That morning I only stayed for about 2 minutes. I kissed Maddie told her I loved her and left. I regret that.I should of stayed longer. I even called James after I left I called him and I told him " I shouldn't of left her today..." ....Call it mother intuition but something didn't feel right that day. I know there was NO way of me knowing this tragedy would struck, but I wish I would of stayed longer, held her more, gave her a few more kisses.

James and I finally sat down and wrote something to go on Maddie's headstone. We have both been avoiding this since her death. A headstone... for our baby. This just makes it to real. Here is what James wrote (he did it all by himself!!)

Madison Paige Staats

October 14, 2010 – February 17, 2011

Daughter

Her eyes eased our pain.

Her smile was infectious.

Her laugh filled our hearts with joy.

Her breath gave us comfort.

Her cry gave us purpose.

Her fists gave us strength.

Her body gave us meaning.

Her love lives inside all who knew her.

Her life sealed our love in an everlasting bond.

Her memory has changed our lives for the better.

Her short time on this earth will never be forgotten.

Our princess who got her angel wings too soon.





Life ain't always beautiful..

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it sweet time

[chorus]
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way


But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride



Saturday, March 19, 2011

I'm not complaining.. This just makes me SAD!!!

I'm tired of being a statistic...

Here is a little background info on me...

- In 2007 I had a blood clot in my lung (Also know as a pulmonary embolism). Pulmonary embolism (PE) is a blockage of the main artery of the lung or one of its branches by a substance that has traveled from elsewhere in the body through the bloodstream (embolism.
Symptoms of pulmonary embolism include difficulty breathing, chest pain on inspiration, and palpitations. Clinical signs include low blood oxygen saturation and cyanosis, rapid breathing, and a rapid heart rate. Severe cases of PE can lead to collapse, abnormally low blood pressure, and sudden death. Guess what I got it from?? Birth Control. Want to hear the statistics on that???? 25 clots in every 100,000 women each year!!!! Yes, I was one of the 25!!!!!!!!! I could of easily died.. But luckily my friend drove me to the hospital in time. I was put on coumadin (a very strong blood thinner) for 6 months. Let me just tell you.. that stuff makes me feel WEIRD!
But I made it through. The doctors told me when I got pregnant I was going to have to give my self an injection of blood thinner every day to keep me from getting another blood clot and losing the baby.

- I found out I was pregnant January 22, 2011. I went to doctor at 4 weeks, because I was SO scared my body would make another blood clot. So from week 4 to week 36 I took over 250 blood thinner shots. These are not just any shot.. they hurt.. like a B12 shot. These shots are also given in the stomach!!!! So my stomach had bruises all over it. But, I knew I HAD to do it so I did for me and for Maddie.

- I cant remember the date but I was 32 weeks pregnant I went into preterm labor and started having contractions.
Preterm labor occurs in about 12% of all pregnancies. I was given steroid shots and put on bed rest. I had contractions from 32 weeks to 36 weeks.


- October 14, 2011 my water breaks (I am only 36 weeks pregnant). My doctor told me only 4% of women's water breaks. I was not allowed to have an epidural because I had taken my blood thinner shot at 4pm the night before. So, I delivered Maddie with no drugs or epidural (12 hours of labor). I loved her instantly. It was ALL worth it. I had to continue my blood thinner shots until I was 6 weeks post pardom.

- February 17, 2011 the WORST day of my life. Maddie went to be with Jesus. Only 2,500 infants die a year from SIDS.

So, I'm TIRED of being a statistic.. When can I be a happy statistic?

Here's a good one..

-James and I are much stronger and closer after going through all of this!! If we can make it through all of this we can make it through anything.

But going through all of this.. I feel like I should share information about SIDS. I have a whole post about SIDS coming up. I just want parents to know the FACTS.



Friday, March 18, 2011

He didn't win.

Today I did good. No melt downs and I really think making these pretties help me heal..
Whenever I am sad I sit down and make a bow.
Today the devil tried to come into my life again..
This is what happened..
Today I was going to lunch with my WONDERFUL hubby. I was having a GREAT day. It was sunny and the birds were singing (so was I). I talked to Maddie the whole way to see her Daddy. This morning I talked to my friend about having another baby (NOT now), and I was HAPPY!!! Without going into specifics... Someone told me that they know someone who had a baby and that baby died from SIDS. Then they had another baby and that baby died from SIDS too. WHAT?! NO?!?! I am not hearing this. This is my 2nd worst nightmare.... I have not done any research on SIDS...except for this.. If it can happen twice in the same family. I am petrified of this. In ALL my research I have fond NOTHING. Then today I hear it can happen twice. NO!
The devil was trying to get in. At first I was upset. But, I'm determined not to let him in. This cant happen twice. It CAN'T. It just CAN'T!!! I can't and won't make it through this again. So, I prayed. I told God I was scared...and I felt like he hugged me. I KNOW we have GREAT things in store for us..... God has GREAT things in store for us.

So, today I didnt let the devil win. I could of been VERY upset, but I didn't let him win. Nope..not me! I WILL be a mom again.. and this baby WILL stay with us. I know it. God (almost) told me so!!!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

1 month...

You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why.
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place,
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.

This poem describes exactly how I feel today...broken...sad...and wondering why.

I went into Maddie's room tonight thinking I was ready. How will I ever be ready? Half of my heart is missing. I will never be ready. I was fine until I took out the locket of her hair...then I lost it. It's perfect auburn in color. If I have her hair why isn't she here? This hurts my heart. I am so glad I thought to ask the funeral home to cut off a piece of her hair. I feel like I have a part of her that will never change...and I like that.

I also looked in her closet and found her St. Patrick's day outfit her nanna got her. She was supposed to wear it today. She would of looked so cute in that outfit. That was hard. I feel like I have been robbed. Robbed of time with my Maddie.

I find my self thinking that a lot....Thinking about all the outfits I had bought her that she is going to miss wearing. James bought her a Christmas dress to wear next Christmas :(. He said we can go and take it to her grave on Christmas. But, I dont want to.. She isnt "there". I want her to be here so she can wear it!!!!!!

I also feel guilty about that. We haven't been back to the grave yard. I just cant do it yet. I also know she isnt "there", she is with me all the time. So, why do we go there when it just reminds me of that horrible day..the day we had to pick out her casket.. I don't want to remember that day!!

James and I went out this evening to look at Maddie's tree and its growing so BIG! You know, we really enjoy that tree. Its something we can see grow that's alive. We call it Maddie and we talk to it. I am so thankful to have that tree. It reminds us of life.

You know what is so hard about all of this? Waking up knowing she is gone. For some reason that hurts so bad. When I wake up I know I immediately have to go do something, or I'll think about it. Thankfully I have such great friends. They text me when they wake up, so I immediately text them back when I open my eyes. This helps a lot. Thanks Catherine and Meg. I really enjoy that.

We made it through today. We are a month stronger.

Our Maddie one day old.





One month..

One month ago today our Maddie went to be with Jesus. We miss her so so much!!!! So today in honor of Maddie take your babies outside to the park and have a great time... Take lots of pictures, kiss them, love on them and tell them about our Princess Maddie.

I added Mr. Linky. If you would like to share your blog with the pictures you have taken today in remembrance of Ms. Maddie we would love that!!!

I will post another blog about today later on.. Lots of Love..




Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Madison Paige Photography...

My friend Catherine came over today with her son Colton and we blew bubbles to Maddie. It was such a fun. I know Maddie was watching us (and the bubbles). I wasn't planning on taking pictures...but I think that's how you end up with the best ones (excuse our "grass"((weeds))..



I love this little guy. He has brought me so much happiness... and pretty soon he will have a baby brother. I cant wait to hold baby Chase <3 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">angelversery. Tomorrow is 1 month since Maddie went to be with Jesus. This makes me sad. How could it of already been a month? It been a month since I held my baby, kissed her, loved on her, changed her diaper, smelled her, rocked her, talked to her...the list could go on and on forever.. I just have to keep telling myself to keep on moving one foot in front of the other. We cant go back or we would of done that a month ago. We just have to learn from what happened and educate everyone about it and keep on moving forward. Tomorrow will be a hard day...but we will still be another day stronger..

If heaven wasnt so far away..

I heard this today and I started crying... This is what I said yesterday...

If heaven wasn't so far away
I'd pack up (my future) kids and go for the day


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Angels..

I never really thought about angels until Maddie went to heaven and now I think about them and her all the time.

I think reading the book, "Heaven is for real" really got me thinking...

I wonder what Maddie does all day. Does she fly with me everywhere I go? In the book the little boy talks about going to "school". I wonder if Maddie goes to school. I wonder if she is already grown up? How often doe she get to play with her other angel friends? I know Maddie is around me often but sometimes I feel like she isn't there. Maybe I'm silly for thinking all of these questions...I guess its just a part of healing.

Once again I want to recommended this book to everyone. It has really helped me begin heal.
Here is a news story about the book:


Today has been a better day. I made two super cute bows! I really do love making bows. Its so fun...and they reminds me of Maddie. I love making things that remind me of Maddie.

Also Maddie's tree is growing by the day..The buds are getting so big! I cant wait until it gets taller!!!

Monday, March 14, 2011

5 months..

Today our Maddie turned 5 months old. Except she isn't here any more. She turned 5 months old in heaven. I know she was celebrating with God. I hope he took her picture. I really miss that.....Shooting pictures of her. I always took SO many just to get 1 good one.

Today got me wondering...We are going to miss out on so many things with her. I hope God knows how to scrapbook. I want to see it all!!!!!

Things I wonder....
-I wonder what she would look like. I bet she would be bigger. She was always right on track.
-The week before she went to heaven her hair was starting to turn more blonde. I bet our red head girl would of been a blonde hair girl by now.
-I wonder if she would be eating cereal by now? Or would she like it? Maddie LOVED to eat so I'm sure she would of ate it all up.
-I wonder if she would be rolling over.
-Would she still have her fists all balled up?
-Would she want to take a paci now?
-Would she start to love baths?
-Would that little blue vein on her head still be showing?
-Would she like her bouncer now? She never really did before.

It breaks my heart that we wont get to experience these things with her. I wish we had skype straight to heaven.

I had such a calm feeling all day today. I did so good. I didnt get upset all day until... I went to Party City to buy her 5 pink balloons.

I want to send her balloons every month. We wrote her a note and attached it to the balloons.

James and I walked outside to let them go ..but we couldn't. We held on. When we felt Maddie was there. We let go.

(I didn't get a good picture of the back)













James and I stood and watched the balloons until we couldn't not see them anymore....then we knew Maddie had them.

Also in our backyard we have a Maddie tree. It was graciously donated to us from a great friend. This is the tree James takes such great care of!

Today the auction for baby Maddie started. This auction is put together by the wonderful ladies at The Mommy Playbook. They have been there for my through infertility, pregnancy, giving birth, postpartum, the 4 wonderful months I got to spend with Maddie, and now. <3 Thanks so much!!!!!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I dont want tomorrow to come...

I woke up today thinking...Tomorrow Maddie will be 5 months old.

The thing is I wont get to take her 5 month picture. I wont get to kiss her cheeks or smell her hair. I can't listen to her talk to me, or feel her drool all over my arm. She isnt here. She is in heaven....and my heart is still broken.

So, tomorrow I am going to try and be happy. I am going to try and smile. Hopefully tomorrow I can be a little bit stronger...


Saturday, March 12, 2011

Today we met our other angel..

Today was a great day (2 great days in a row)..WooHOO!!!

Meg came to see us today (she drove 4 1/2 hours!!!!!!!). She is my "other" guardian angel. I think Maddie sent her. Meg heard about Maddie from a boutique she knows. She read our story and wanted to help. Meg, a stranger (at the time), contacted me and told me she wanted to help. She set up the Tiny Wings auction. We had tons of donations for the auction. We couldn't believe it, all of these strangers wanted to do all of this for us! We were blown away, and still are! It was all Maddie. This was her way of helping mommy and daddy.

Meg is truly a gift from God. She has been here for us through everything. Every day she has sent me messages or called just to check on us.

Today we got to finally meet her. I felt like we have been friends forever.


We talked and hung out. We talked about Maddie, and I didnt cry!!! We even showed Meg Maddie's room and I didn't lose it! I was happy to show her room off. It still smells like her...slowly I am starting to be able to go in her room and not cry.

Meg also taught me how to make bows! This is my first bow...

Meg is so talented. I am so lucky to have met her. She has truly helped us in so many ways. Maddie brought us together. I just wish Meg could of met Maddie. She will one day ;)




James and I wanted to say a special thank you to the donors of ALL the auctions. We are still blow away with everyone generosity. Thank you so so so much.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Better..

Today has been much better day.

I woke up and told my self, "Maddie wouldn't want us to be sad. She is happy singing with Jesus. We are the only ones hurting. We need to try and be happy, and remember all our happy memories with Maddie." All day today when I felt sad I told my self this, and I left better.

So, I can say today has been a better day. I still talk to Maddie often, even at school. I don't care if people think I'm crazy, I'm talking to my baby. She may not be here on earth, but she is always with me and she can hear.

Someone sweet left this comment on my business page yesterday..
A cut on a healthy body develops a scab. During that time discomfort is experienced but is a reminder you're reaching recovery. Emotional pain and hurt felt is your body attempting to heal itself. You must acknowledge the pain and allow yourself to feel those emotions so the healing process begins. The quicker we face and deal with the hurt the quicker we can develop that scab to recovery.
It hit me. I really needed to take time to heal. I think I have started to do that ( I'm not done healing by any means..). I am slowly starting to able to talk about Maddie without crying. So, that tells me I had to of done some healing.

I don't ever want her to be forgotten. I will talk about her for the rest of my life. Our future children will know about her. How could they not? That's his or her older sister. She may not be here on earth but she will always be their older sister.

I am just so proud of Maddie. She is touching so many lives....knowing this really has helped me heal. It's good to know that our story is teaching (or reminding) moms to love on their babies a little longer..that those "fits" really aren't so bad..to give a few more kisses..to enjoy getting up in the middle of the night..and to TAKE MORE PICTURES :) This makes me happy. This is why our Maddie was here...to remind all the mommies.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Not stronger..

Another day stronger…NOT how I feel today.

Today has been one of the hardest day so far….

I woke up tired. I could hardly sleep last night. I felt like it was my first day of teaching all over again. I was nervous. What were the kids going to say? They are only 5, they don’t know any better. Am I going to be able to answer their questions without crying?

I got dressed. I talked to Maddie the whole time. I asked her to please be with me today. Give me the strength to do this. She was there I know it. I could feel her. I was fine getting dressed and talking to Maddie. For some reason I feel good at home. I feel like she is always there, its when I leave that I get sad.

I put off leaving as long as I could. I didn’t want to leave. I love love love my job, but it is very stressful. I cant handle stressful right now. Before I left, I walked into Maddie’s room and talked to her. I didn’t stay long. I didn’t want to start crying. I got my lunch, purse and make up (I knew I would need it) and got into my car. I sat there for a minute. I knew I had to go. I put my car into reverse, took a deep breath and started to back out of the garage. I was doing it.

My work is 45 minutes from my house. It was a long drive. Today it seemed longer then usual. There is a part in my drive where I “used to” turn left to go to the babysitters. I wanted to turn left so bad. My hands were trying to turn left, but I kept thinking..”no don’t turn”. At that moment I looked into my mirror and thought, “She isn’t here…”. So, I kept on driving with tears streaming down my face. Why can’t I turn left. This just isn’t fair. This just isn’t fair.

When I got to work I was frozen. I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to get out of the car. I knew the longer I stayed in my car the harder it would be to get out. So, I just did it. I got out. I am sure I looked like a total mess. I was crying, crying hard…snot included (TMI). My mom and teaching partner were in my classroom waiting for me. They asked if I was ok and I couldn’t even answer.

I cried almost all morning long. I had to stop when the kids got here. They greeted me with long hugs and “I missed you’s”. At that moment I was glad to be back.

After the kids got to school my partner and I teach math together (god bless her-she does most of it). When I brought my kids over to her room one of her darling asked me 2 times, “How did your daughter die?. The first time I just ignored her. The second time I had to get up and leave. I was going to loose it in the middle of class. I know she didn’t mean any harm. She is just 5 and doesn’t know any better. But, it hurt to hear those words.

It has been hard tho. I cant think straight. I kinda just wonder around my classroom and try to figure out what I am supposed to be doing. Hopefully I can get through tomorrow and have Spring Break week off.

I am half way through my day. It is my planning time and we have 2 more hours of school left. I CAN do this!! Its going to be hard when we leave. I am going to want to go pick Maddie up, but my car cant drive to Heaven. Oh how I wish it could!

Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers today. I felt them and they have held me together through most of the day.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Today has been a good day...




Another Day Stronger..

I still miss our Maddie like crazy, but today I had a good day. I love good days. I talk to Maddie all the time. Today Bella and I went outside and sang to her. I always feel like she can hear me better if we are outside. I love talking to Maddie. It makes me feel better.

I also did something I have been wanting to do for a while... I made a business Facebook page for my blocks.. It's up and running and it makes it HAPPY!!

It's Called Maddie's Mom Made That go check it out!

Right now I am only taking 5 orders at a time. I go back to work SOON, and I wont have much time. But I love doing crafts, along with photography!

I need lots of prayers for tomorrow. Thursday's are always hard, but tomorrow will be extra hard. I am going back to work. The place where I "got the news". Its going to be HARD. Also, Maddie would of been 21 weeks old. It hurts to think how old she "would of been". Soon she "would of been" 5 months old (on the 14th). It hurts my heart.

Today I want to share a few pictures of Maddie without a bow.


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A break..

Cant we just catch a break? This is what James and I were asking each other last night as we were rushing our dog, Bella , to the emergency animal hospital. She had been throwing up all day which continued into the night. When I saw she was throwing up blood I knew we had to take her in.

As we were driving I was numb. Bella was my first "fur baby". Just 2 1/2 weeks ago we lost our precious Maddie..now Bella is sick. This cant be happening.

After 4 hours of waiting with tons of crazy expensive tests they told us Bella has Pancreatitis. They wanted to "watch" her over night, but we said no. It was 1:30am and James needed to go to bed. He had to be at work so early. Bella got a shot for her tummy and some IV fluids and we left.

We finally got home (30 minutes later) and went to bed at 2am.


Here Is Bella at the animal hospital.

Bella seems to be fine today. She is eating and drinking, so I think this will pass soon.

Today I have been in bed all day. Not sad, just tired. I read almost the whole book, "Heaven is for real book." Its really good! I recommend it to everyone. It has really given me some comfort... knowing where Maddie is. Knowing some of the things she is experiencing and seeing. I wish she was with us...but I know she is with God and I know he is the best baby sitter.

Monday, March 7, 2011

1 big step..

Yesterday I felt like I took 5 steps back. It was just a hard hard day. I guess its all the grieving process. Some days you take steps forward and some days you take steps back.
Today has been a much better day. I have been happy and a lot less sad. I got my self out of bed and got dressed. I even had nothing to do today. I quickly found something to do before I got sad. I made some really cute name blocks.

This was taken from my iphone not such great quality.


I am going back to work this week and I am not really looking forward to it. I love love love my job, but its where I was when I got "the call". Its going to be hard. I just have to try and not think about that day. I need to focus on my students. I really hope they don't ask me questions. They are so young, if they do they just don't understand.

I want to talk about my wonderful husband. James has been here for me through all of this. He has been so supportive, and caring. He has supported my decision to take time off of work to heal. I dont know how I would of done this without him. During the funeral and viewing I was his rock. Now, he is mine. He is always right there when I crumble and he knows just what to say. We have grown so much stronger as a couple. Maddie helped us to do that. I am so lucky to have him.
He is such a great daddy. He used to sing to Maddie and talk to her. She loved to sit next to him and watch him play video games. They were "buddies". I will never forget these memories I have of them together.
He takes great care of our "Maddie tree". He goes outside, waters it and talks to it. He is so sweet. Our next baby is going to be so lucky to have him as a daddy.
I love you honey. Thanks for being my rock.




Just a reminder:
This Benefit auction for Baby Madison Paige Staats is going on right now!!!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

I want to go back..

This morning was hard. I got up went to the kitchen to grab some cereal. For some reason I opened the cabinet where Maddie's bottles used to be. I stood there looking into the empty cabinet and had to walk away. I wasn't hungry any more. I felt sick. I went into our bedroom, laid on our bed and held Maddie's blanket. I smelled it. It doesn't really smell like her anymore, which hurts. That means time is going by. Its been over 2 weeks now. I almost wish I could press Fast Forwards, because I know I cant rewind.

I knew we needed to go to the grocery store and it wasn't something I wanted to do. There is nothing these days I really want to do. I don't want to clean, wash clothes, cook dinner, watch tv... nothing. But..I picked my self up out of bed and got dressed.

Madeline has blessed James and I with an awesome gift (which really helped us).
Emealz - Easy Meals for Busy People!
A subscription to e-mealz ( No I was not contacted by them to share this. Its just something I REALLY think its cool). It's really neat they have weekly meal plans, recipes and grocery lists. It does everything for you.. all you have to do is PRINT!!
So, I was ready to go to the store I didnt even have to think.

James and I walk into the store and its packed...kids everywhere. We didn't even make it through the produce and I was crying. I was so close to telling James we needed to leave but I knew if we left we would have to come back. Babies were everywhere. James felt sad to. Why did we have to loose our Maddie. She was so perfect...so beautiful..so healthy...so loved.

Sometimes I like to go into Maddie's room just sit and talk to her.I haven't been in since her funeral. I went in today and gasped. It hurt. Her room smelled just like her. Her dirty clothes still in a pile on her changing table. Her monitor and white noise machine are still in the same place. Everything is there except our Maddie. I wanted to stay but I couldn't. I turned around, shut the door and left.

Our new life is so weird. I want my old Maddie life back. I want to be sleep deprived, and have spit up stains on my shirt. I want to change her diapers. I want still be searching for her formula coupons. I want this so bad. But, God wanted her more. She must be pretty special. I cant wait to see her again.

I know I cant but .....I want to go back to these days:
Maddie 1 week old


Maddie 3 weeks old

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Photography is healing ..

Over the past two days I have learned a lot about photography. I would not say I am a professional or anything, but I am learning.

Yesterday after my horrible doctors visit I came home, sat down at our computer and started researching photography. I am determined to figure this out! After a few hours I picked up my camera ans started shooting..
My dog, Bella was my subject for today...


This is my favorite picture.. M is for my Maddie!
Shooting is going well.. Now I am ready to learn about editing pictures.

While I was taking pictures I felt good.. I was happy and I knew my Maddie was with me, guiding me. Helping me learn. Photography is very healing.

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Using images by Laurie Ann at After 5 Designs and The Design Girl at ScrapMatters.