then...
Another little girl saw Maddie's picture on my desk and started asking about her. She asked me who she was and I said, "my daughter..". Thankfully she didnt ask any other questions..and I didnt start crying. Maddie will always be my daughter.
Later on today....
A child asked me, "Where is Maddie? Is she at home?"... I just ignored her..and she asked me AGAIN!!! She is at home with our heavenly father. I just wish she was at OUR home. I guess I am being selfish, but I just want her back!!!!
I am being tested today... and guess what? I'm winning.
James and I were talking about this the other day. It feels like Maddie was just a dream. I have pictures, videos and memories but her not being here it just doesnt seem real anymore..and I HATE this. Why can't it be real? God must of REALLY needed Maddie for some reason. I wonder why?
There are so many questions I want to ask God. This seems so silly but I want to make a list of my questions. I wonder if I can take it to heaven with me?
45 comments:
Praying for you!!!
You poor thing. There is something about teaching that makes going through a loss so incrediably hard. Teachers can't just go and hide in their cubicles, we must face the music every day. And bless their souls, they just don't understand. Maybe talking to the parents or a letter home asking the parents to talk to the kids about it, maybe that might help with the questions? I hope you have a much better second half of the day. Write down those questions! It will make you feel closer to her and to God!Lots of prayers sent your way from Ks.
My heart just aches for what you're going through. I'm so sorry. :(
[[HUGS]]
You have my prayers!!Hopefully they will give you strength!!
I agree, write down your questions. U may get the answers you are looking for without having to take them to heaven with you. Talk to god, ask him your questions. He will show you the answers in ways you may never expected. Right now, he is showing you just how precious your sweet Maddie is. She's changing lives all across this country. Giving you an even bigger family and friends who continue to pray for you, and support you. Maybe, she is the one who will help get the awareness out there about SIDS. Maybe, u could be the one to start an Awareness for SIDS foundation in honor of her. I know that being a 1st time mom, I was never really aware about the risk of SIDS until I hear your story. Look at all the childrens lives, that Maddie is helping to save! Keep your head up Kellie! God has great plans for you and James
I agree- thinking just addressing the issue with parents through an email perhaps- if you use that system might be helpful for you- and them. It might just make this process a tiny bit easier for you during all of the stages of grieving. Please, hon, know she was not a dream. She was real, is real. YES you silly! You can take your list to heaven with you ! You won't need it. God will know your heart before you even get there. I am proud of you. This can't be manageable, let alone easy. You are a brave momma. still praying for you in PA.
One day you will have all the answers. I wish you could have them now. Praying for you guys!!
Our Heavenly Father knows your questions before you ever ask them. He knows your every thought, and He cares for you! With every post I read it sounds to me like you're getting stronger everyday. :)
kids are honest, my husband teaches karate & we canceled class for a while after River died. one of the kids when they resumed class asked "why didn't we have karate for so long?" another kid responded "because Ben's baby died" -- Ben wanted to run from the room!
I too have many questions for God, but I have realized that when I get there to ask them, it won't matter anymore because I will be reunited with River. I have come to accept that God didn't take my baby, he gave me time with him. Time that I will cherish for the rest of my life.
I don't know if any of that makes sense to anyone else, but it's how I get up in the morning.
Thoughts and prayers for you always, wishing you peace knowing Maddie lives in your heart forever, and she has touched so many lives.
There are so many questions I have for God too and He will answer them all.
Praying and praying for you and hoping these rough days become fewer and fewer.
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I think it's a good idea to write down your questions. Someday down the road, you might look at the paper and understand the answers to some of those questions.
I know that it might feel like it was all a dream, but just hold her in your heart. She's with you every day and she loves you and her daddy more than anything.
My heart aches for you each day. I admire your courage and strength.
I suggest you write your questions down that you have for God. Send them up with balloons; you will get your answers, it just may take a little time.
Thinking of you each day.
You are an extemely strong person, and you are doing great at facing everything that each day brings. Keep up the great work!! I admire you for your strength!
xoxo
Kelli @ loveoursimplelife.blogspot.com
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I am praying for you and James everyday. I know Maddie is in heaven looking over you guys.
Dear Kellie and James,
Though we are neighbours; it wasn't until yesterday that we learned the sad news about Maddie. We don't really have a relationship with you guys other than the occasional hand wave when we see you outside and I am truly sorry about that. But I have been reading your post for hours now and crying for just as long and I want to thank you for sharing Maddie with us through your writing. She is such a beautiful little girl! I am sure she's the prettiest angel in heaven. I pray that God grants you the strength that you need to go on every day. Thank you for sharing this blog and the beautiful pictures of Maddie. Please let us know if we can help in any way. We're literally across the street. Stay strong. Maddie will always be with you.
Yaima & Abdel Hernandez
I am not sure if it would help or hurt but I just read a book called "Heavan is for real" by Todd Burpo. It is beautiful, and I think it may help....
I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I'm sorry you had a rough day, but it sounds like you came out of it doing great. Keeping you in my thoughts.
all your questions will be answered before you leave this earth. In my understands is that we are all sent to this earth for a certain reason,once we have completed what we are sent here for then we get to go home. Maddie was just so smart and completed her purpose faster then most.In all that happened at school today the children's questions are just GOD's way of making you strong again.To make it so you can understand that Maddie may not be here in physical standings anymore but she was here and she showed you so much love and she has brought you and James and your families so much closer. You are also teaching so many parents to love there little ones a little more everyday and soon to be parents you are educating about what happened to Maddie so they can be ware of the things that can happen. You are a very stong lady and you will be stronger from all this and Maddie will always be in your heart,even when she starts to fade from you mind.
To remind us all that tomorrow isn't promised. To live for today. Without Maddie, I would have taken most days for granted and not hug nor kiss my babies as much. So thank you for this precious gift you have given the rest of us- the reminder to cherish every day, every moment whether good or bad because it could be the last <3
You are right~ God must have REALLY needed your baby girl. She was sooo special.
My heart aches for you and I will be praying for you and your husband. It is hard to read your posts without tearing up, I hope you can stay strong and cling to the wonderful photos and memories of your little princess. You are so strong!
Praying for you, just like always.
Ask God your questions now and be on the look-out for his answers, even if they aren't the answers you wanted. God can answer us, but we have to be paying attention.
pray to God, talk to God, he hears you, he knows your questions before you even THINK of them...
kids are so innocent and clueless..and adults could be too if they didn't know your situation..
I'm so sorry - it must be so tough to have cthe kids ask such innocent questions when it rips you in two. You'll always be Maddie's mom and she'll always be your little girl.
Your strength amazes me daily!!!
Children are very responsive and can handle hearing that your baby girl went to Heaven. Perhaps that is too much for you to say, I apologize...I just know that when I lose my father, I was at work when I got the call and my students were very comforting. Upon returning to work a week later, I did break down and cry and they said nothing-- they just came around me and hugged me.
I think maybe a letter home to the parents may help..maybe? I don't know...it's such a sensitive subject.
My heart still aches for your family. I don't even know you but I wish I could share some of your grief, if just for a little while, to give you some peace.
kellie--i believe that everything happens for a reason, even the really bad stuff. What I dislike about that is that we don't always know the reason and constantly question it. "Why did this happen to me?" There is a reason Maddie was in your life and a reason she no longer is. I know how bad it hurts (I haven't lost a child, but my sister died last year, and I saw what my parents went through). Anyway, I'm constantly thinking of you.
You can ask Father God anything you want,he will hear you where ever you are...I dont think making a list to take with u will even matter,the last thing on ur mind will be why..The only thing on your mins will be your baby Angel you will have bk..God works in somany mysterious ways,that we cant help but wonder why,in all kinds of situations,but we can also say he would not give us anything we couldnt handel..You can do this,and you are doing a great job..Keep it up..Kids are kids,im glad you are strong enough to handel all the questions im sure everyone wants to know..Stay strong,and summer breaks around the corner,great opportunity to work on your photography..xoxo
gen
My daughter is almost 9 months old. I was getting ready to go to bed last night and did one final check-in to make sure she was ok. While I was in there she woke up and saw me. Ordinarily I would have left quickly and hoped that she didn't start crying. But instead I decided to pick her up though and spend a few extra minutes with her. We rocked for about 5 minutes and I prayed for you and your husband. My heart is aching for you. No one should ever have to experience what you have. Because of Maddie I don't take time with my daughter for granted....even if it is in the middle of the night and I am exhausted. I will cherish every second I get to hold my daughter. I wish so badly that you could have the same. Thinking of you and praying it gets easier.
Saw this poem and thought of you. Maybe you've already seen it but if not, it kind of goes along with your post today. I am so sorry for your loss....
When God Calls Little Children
When God calls little children to dwell with Him above, we mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love. For no heartache compares with the death of one small child who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild. Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold, so He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old. God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few to make the land of heaven more beautiful to view. Believing this is difficult, still, somehow we must try, the saddest word mankind knows will always be "goodbye". So when a little child departs, we who are left behind must realize God loves children....Angels are hard to find.
Your Maddie is a precious and beautiful angel!
you're always in my thoughts and prayers. have you considered sending the questions to God via balloon? I'm sure he'd get them just like Maddie got your letter. Just a suggestion. Stay strong!
Amanda M. Allen Park, mi
Kellie, You are still in my prayers daily and will be for a very long time...forever.
(((Hugs)))
Carly
Kellie- you touch my heart in so many ways. You are an inspiration. Maddie is beautiful and always will be. About those questions it is ok to have them and when you get to heaven you won't need to ask them you will have the answers.
I try to check your blog daily! I just hurt for you and your family sooo much! Its taught me to cherish every little thing more than i already did.. this line in your post "God must of REALLY needed Maddie for some reason. I wonder why?" caught me, i think it is because he needed her to help open all of our eyes to see how special life truly is, your story has touched so many lives of people you dont even know and most you will never know. It takes a special person to do something like that and that is exactly what Maddie is..SPECIAL and now shes a beautiful angel guiding you through lifes challenges. I hope nothing but the best for you and your family!
-candyce
May God bless you with peace until the day you meet Him (and see your sweet Maddie again!) and your questions are answered. Like you, I believe there has to be a reason for pain and loss, we just don't get to know what it is yet. We don't get to see the big picture so it is so hard to understand. I have always thought that is why it is called faith. PFY in FL
Ever since I ran acrossyour blog via babycenter, i am so paranoid about SIDS. i have a 4 yr old son and a 3mth old son. i was worried aboutt it with my oldest but with the new baby, I am so scared. my grandma keeps him and i have went to pick him up from her and he would be asleep ON HIS STOMACH, ON A SOFT BED, AND WARM IN THE ROOM. i have been wanting to ask her not to let him do any of that but kept putting it off. i finally asked her today to let him nap in his swing, crib (on his back) or bouncey. i didnt want her mad at me thinking i was doubting her and her ability to take care of a child...esp after she had 7 kids but i finally brought it up. i would kill myself if something happened and i never said anything about it. on the way home from work today , i even thought to myself...well, i didnt get a call saying Cameron died. i cant beleive i am thinking that way. i even keep seeing him blue in my head when i go to get him and i imagine trying to revive him. i may break down and get the snuzo. my first son was 3mths old when i moved him into his room. not this baby! i dont know what the difference is with him, but i THANK YOU for making me more aware! thoughts and prayers
I have been following your blog since your beloved Maddie went to be with GOD. I admire your strength and courage through everything you have been through these last weeks. I have always been a paranoid mother of SIDS with both of my kids (3 yr old boy, 8 month old girl), I even gave a list of does and don'ts to our sitter with 2 phone numbers for her to reach myself, my husband, my mom, my stepdad, my dad and my stepmom. You have taught me to trust no one with your child's care and take the extra precautions, especially if it means saving your child's life. I want to thank you for all your posts on awareness and sharing everything you have. Maddie is truely a beautiful special angel that was put here to make a difference in the world. You and James are so lucky to have been picked to be her parents. I think deep down, as much as it hurts, you know why GOD gave you your precious gift, even if it was only for a short time. Herself as well as you and James have a different purpose in life than you previously have known and I think by all your awareness, blogging and everything else you are on the path that GOD has planned for you. Bless you both and sweet Maddie and may GOD give you the strength everyday to live, laugh and learn, but never forget your precious months with sweet Maddie.
I've been following your blog for about a week now, and have read back to all that has happened, and I am so sorry for what you and your family have been through. It has to be the worst nighttmare, but real. I think you're amazing, and strong, and I know you will be with Maddie again someday. When you're sad thinking about all the things she won't get to experience here on earth, maybe you can find happiness in knowing all of the things she won't have to go through :) In an eternal perspective, time away from Maddie will seem so short. Then you can be with her forever :)
xo, Laura- rvcutieee23@yahoo.com
you'll be in my prayers
you are so raw... and so honest in how lost you are in all of this... as anyone would be. i pray that God carries you through this.
Kellie,
You are so strong and so beautiful, and you are brave for returning to work and wonderful for passing knowledge onto those wonderful inquisitive children. They need you, even when it is hard remember that teachers are a blessing to each of their students. There may be one student in that class that does not get the attention at home that he or she needs and YOU make their day better. You give them hope, you teach them what caring is about and what love feels like. You are amazing just because you are a teacher. Remember that you change lives doing what you do.
Remember hon, that even on your weakest days, you do get a little stronger.
Hugs to you.
Kelly M.
I believe Maddie was chosen for her beautiful smile and endearing little face. People cannot see their own strengths and weaknesses, but you was chosen for your ability to reach out and touch people and your inspiring personality.
You are already doing God's work and helping people see what they have and helping them to become better people. You are raising awareness.
Your relationship with your husband was why you was chosen, you have so much love between you and he is your rock.
I have read your blog since the day after Maddie passed over and have made such a difference in my life, I was meant to find your blog.
You are being tested for sure. Maybe to help you to be able to answer these questions. Your angel is always watching over you.
xxx
Praying for you. Those questions will never be easy to get used to. I am so sorry
Make your list of questions for God and burn it outside, let the wind carry it. You are doing excellent.
The first time I read your story, I bawled my eyes out, I can't imagine what you went through and how strong you are for writing about it.
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