I miss Maddie so much today. I want to see her, hold her, and kiss her. I wish so bad this didn't happen to us, its just not fair. I know I say that all the time, but really its just not fair!
I feel like I didn't get to say a proper "good bye" while she was alive. I don't know if I wrote about this or not but the last day of my old life (the day Maddie passed away) the babysitter was mad at me. She accused me of running over her trashcan. She was usually a very chatty lady but that morning she was very standoffish and she was hurrying me out the door. I usually stayed about 15 minutes and played with Maddie before I left to go to work. That morning I only stayed for about 2 minutes. I kissed Maddie told her I loved her and left. I regret that.I should of stayed longer. I even called James after I left I called him and I told him " I shouldn't of left her today..." ....Call it mother intuition but something didn't feel right that day. I know there was NO way of me knowing this tragedy would struck, but I wish I would of stayed longer, held her more, gave her a few more kisses.
James and I finally sat down and wrote something to go on Maddie's headstone. We have both been avoiding this since her death. A headstone... for our baby. This just makes it to real. Here is what James wrote (he did it all by himself!!)
Madison Paige Staats
October 14, 2010 – February 17, 2011
Daughter
Her eyes eased our pain.
Her smile was infectious.
Her laugh filled our hearts with joy.
Her breath gave us comfort.
Her cry gave us purpose.
Her fists gave us strength.
Her body gave us meaning.
Her love lives inside all who knew her.
Her life sealed our love in an everlasting bond.
Her memory has changed our lives for the better.
Her short time on this earth will never be forgotten.
Our princess who got her angel wings too soon.
62 comments:
My heart goes out to you.
That is beautiful! I am so sorry for your loss and for the way the babysitter treated you. I pray for you and your husband daily that God carries you through this difficult time. Maddie's always with you!
I'm sorry you had a rough day. I pray for you all the time. Tell your husband what he wrote is beautiful. it made me cry. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
In my prayers always
Ashley
My heart is always sending you positive energy! <3
What your husband wrote was absolutely beautiful!! I'm sorry today was such a rough day, hoping tomorrow is a little better for you.
(((HUGS)))
BEautiful words for her memory!
And this baby sitter, is she being investigated? Have they said that it was SIDS already or could this possibly be worse?
Day after day I come to your blog. I have grown a connection to you, your maddie, and your story..and I love to read what you have to say. I can honestly say I have never read the everyday words of a mother who has lost her child. However, I must admit, I find I come to your blog everyday..in hopes that you say this was all a bad dream...and Maddie is back. I wish for that everyday. I wish she could feel your kisses. I wish she could wrap her hand around your finger. I wish God would give her back to you. Im not even her mother, yet a mother of a 5 month old daughter as well, and I want Maddie back. You are so brave. I have a story I want to share with you sometime. When I have a moment I will email it to you.
I feel your pain and I cry every single time I read your words and look at Maddie's precious grin. You are right it is not fair. But all I can think of is how beautiful, safe, and innocent heaven is. Noone can hurt her. No pain can come to her. I just hope when I get there...God introduces me to her. Aida and I love her dearly. xoxo Kellie.
it's a beautiful tribute. she was taken way too soon <3 your strength is so inspiring, I think of you, Maddie and your husband every single day.
hate to be the one to correct it but at the end it should be "too soon" rather than to.
just want to make sure it's perfect for such a perfect little girl!!!
That is absolutely beautiful....I am so sorry for your loss...I wish there ws something I could do to make the pain go away. You are in my thoughts and prayers....
That's truly lovely.
Praying for both you and your husband.
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❤If you miss someone in heaven!❤
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That is beautiful. I'm sorry you had a rough day. Tomorrow will hopefully be better.
Kellie James did an amazing job. Its perfect! Im sorry your day was hard. That breaks my heart. Hugs to you and James. Love you!
So incredibly beautiful. My prayers go out to you and your husband.
My thoughts and prayers still are with you everyday. Your husband wrote beautiful words for Angel Maddie's grave. I'm so glad you have found such a great friend in Megan Green. It's sad to hear about the babysitter having ill manners toward you over accusation of a trash can...That needed to be the least of her worries. I know as an in-home daycare provider myself it's important to have great communication and relationships with parents. My Little Explorer's and parents are my #1 fans and "family". They call me "mama" and I love them dearly. My ten month old wears BIG BOWS for Maddie everyday. You are such a great inspiration to us all. BTW, I love your name blocks and bows...I hope I will be able to WIN one of ANGEL MADDIE"S precious bows one day....Love and Hugs from Va. Beach.
Robin
My heart breaks for you and your husband every time I read your blog. I can not open your page with out a box of tissues by my side. I do have to say I always loved on my kids but since I found your blog I love on them longer and many many more times a day and even in the middle of the night. Your strength is amazing, its obvious that Maddie is with you daily and she's comforting your soul. There are no words that I could ever even begin to say that could ever take away any of the pain, but please know you have prayers from Ohio for you, your husband and that beautiful little baby girl of yours. What your husband wrote was absolutely beautiful. Maddie was blessed with amazing parents!
Those are such beautiful words to go on her headstone!
I took my little boy to the park today to enjoy the fresh air. Maddie popped into my head while he was playing. Maybe she was there playing and enjoying the sunshine too. :-) And she reminded me to take pictures of my little boy. <3
Kellie,
Don't ever think for one minute,it was "your fault"!!For leaving Maddie at the babysitters.Maybe the reason you felt uneasy about leaving her was because of the way the sitter treated you? That's the cruel thing about SIDS it just happens with no warning.You have to know you and James were the BEST parents Maddie could ever ask for♥ You both gave her soo much love&care in her short 4months of life♥Sorry you had another hard day♥ I hope tomorrow is a better day!
lots of ♥♥ from Canada:)
ps..I love what James wrote for Maddie..soo much love!
Such beautiful words for a beautiful little girl - my heart goes out to both of you. Hoping and praying tomorrow is a better day
praying for you Kellie. I feel the raw pain thta you feel. And you are right, it's not fair! God has not promised us another day here on earth, but isn't it sweet to know that he has promised eternal life if we just believe? One sweet day you and your husband will get to spend forever with your beautiful Princess Maddie. Hugs, Love and Prayers to you. I pray for you and your family every singe day.
WOW!! Very touching words!!! I pray for you daily!! I hope tomm is better!!! Do u plan to talk to that sitter again? I would want to know more and see if her story is the same. If this is something you want to do, I pray God gives you the strengh to do so.. If Maddie were still here and you felt this weirdness about the sitter I bet as a mother you would deff go ask her what the deal is. I know this must be hard and when you are ready you will do what you feel is best.. YES, I deff believe the day you give birth God gives us these "knowings" of our child.. That is so weird how you said that to James that very day - Stay strong sweet Mommy!!!
(((HUGS)))))
What James wrote is absolutely beautiful. What a love letter for his baby girl! Praying for you both...
Your husband's words are beautiful! They are just so fitting, and so perfect....
I'm sorry you had a rough day, and I'm sorry you have regrets about leaving Maddie with the sitter that day. I know it's just human nature, but you shouldn't feel bad. You had no way of knowing what would happen. I really hope that the babysitter did not harm your precious angel. But if she did, I hope you find the truth. I remember you saying a while back that the police were investigating your case. I pray that they come to the right conclusion about Maddie's death, so that you never have to wonder.
I've read comments on here about how your words have strengthened the love of mothers for their children. I am one of those moms... I kiss my four month old son on the head at night, and I say a prayer for you. You do not deserve this, and you do not have to grieve publicly, but you put your words out there every day to help others. That is such a selfless thing to do, and I admire you for that! I know that nothing I say can take away your pain, but I hope that my prayers for you, along with the millions of other people's prayers for you will be answered. I hope you heal as much as you can possibly heal from this!! And I hope you continue to feel Maddie's presence around you!
I cried when I read this post. Even though you only stayed two minutes that day, thats two beautiful minutes with her and even after you left she still knew you loved her. She's always with you and you just have to believe in the strength that she is sending to you. She'll keep you strong through these tough days.
Sending strength to you from Georgia.
Hey I don't know you but seen your blog on Jillians facebook. I read your blog, and absolutely heart broken. Im a mother of 2 girls myself. I want you and your husband to know that y'all are in my prayers and thoughts every day! Please feel free t email me anytime. Bfaile03@gmail.com. your story helped me to realize just how blessed I am and how much I take it for granted.
Tell James he did a beautiful job. I still have you and Maddie on my mind everyday. I still am praying for you and thinking about you. <3...Sachamom TMP
That is beautiful! I think of your family often...praying!
Beautiful words.
So sweet! What he wrote made me cry and I am so sorry about your rough day. I seriously want to punch that babysitter!:( I can't imagine how YOU feel! So sorry...I am praying for you guys always. I know Maddie is loving it up in Heaven..and to her this life until you are reunited for eternity is only like the blink of an eye! Stay Strong! xox
Such beautiful words for your angel Maddie.. You brought tears to my eyes and once again reminded me how precious my 4 boys are.
I wish I could say something that would help but there are no such words I'm sure.
Just know you are being thought of and loved by all who follow your heartbreaking story.
Kellie,
I wish that I could help ease your pain but I can't. All I can do is pray for you and James and that is what I do every day. Your story just makes it that much harder for me to let someone keep my babies. I know Maddox cries a lot and Landon is just a normal 2 year old trying to experience new things and I am so scared they would get mistreated by someone else. I hate the pain you are going through. I am just so thankful to know that we will get to see our babies again one day. I really don't think it will be much longer because of all the Wars in the Middle East, and Earthquakes that are going on. That just shows prophecy is being fulfilled. So I believe we are living in the end times. So stay strong and stay in the race to the very end because Heaven and seeing Maddie again are your rewards. I know I am ready. Praying for you and James. I hope you have a great week back at school and I pray that you have the strength to talk when the kids ask about Maddie because she was precious and will touch their lives too.
You are a wonderful mom, Kellie. It's obvious how much you love your little Maddie (and your future babies).
your not giving yourself enough time to heal...Cry be sad its OKAY...you lost the most precious person in the whole world your baby daughter. If you didnt feel sad that would be a problem, feeling sad means you love and miss her, and who wouldnt she is) a gorgeous precious lovable little girl.
I cry when I think how unfair it is what you are going through. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You,Maddie and your husband are still in my heart and thoughts.
:( Sorry you are having a hard day. Those words are beautiful for the headstone...brought me to tears. She is such a beautiful angel :)
That's such a heavy & painful burden to have to carry. We always torture ourselves with these scenarios of what if. It's not your fault Kellie. Not at all. You couldn't have known what was going to happen that day. If you had, you'd have done anything & everything in your power to keep Maddie safe and change the events of that day. How could you have known this day would be different? It's just not fair. I hate that this happened to you! I'm angry about it, and I'm sad. You & Maddie are in my thoughts everyday. I pray for your strength & for your healing. Please know that you & your family are deeply loved & cared for (even by me, a complete stranger). Maddie is safe & happy in Heaven, and no one can hurt her. She was too good for this world. Lots of love, a friend in WA state.
Hope today is better! Have you talked to the babysitter or is there still an investigation going on? Praying for you!
What james wrote was beautiful!!
The words to go on the headstone are absolutely beautiful - they made me cry. Maddie knows she is so loved. My heart is always with you & James.
I'm so sorry you have had a rough day. :( What your husband wrote for her headstone was beautiful. Such a fitting poem for a beautiful princess.
I'm so sorry you have the added emotions/feelings with what went on that day with the babysitter. You have every right to be screaming "THIS IS NOT FAIR" whenever you need to let it out!!! You found a gem (or rock!) of a husband and what he wrote truly moved me especially as a mother thinking about her own children...very strong words that I'm sure I won't forget any time soon. I've been reading your blog for a couple weeks now and never knew what to say except I think of your family often and you don't know me but I squeeze my little ones longer and tell them I love them more often after hearing your story. You are an amazing couple! Hugs from VA.
WOW....I have chills! What James wrote for Maddie's headstone is perfect! I hope your rough days get fewer and far between. Still thinking of you guys daily. Big hugs and much love!
I am so, so sorry, sweetie. I have tears in my eyes. I know your angel was loved by you, and she knew it. Please don't beat yourself up for not staying longer that day. A million hugs to you! ♥
I love your strength. It helps me cope, and i look forward to your blogs. this one made me really sad...especially with my 9 month old son having cancer...i cant even wrap my mind around having to do things like picking out what goes on the grave stone. what he wrote was simply amazing...my heart goes out to you
http://barrycrafty.blogspot.com/
The story of your last drop off day gave me chills. The headstone wording makes me teary. It is beautiful! And you are right in thinking and saying, "It's not fair." Nobody deserves to be put through such pain. God bless you.
Im so sorry... I will never forget the day I had to pick the headstone it does make it so real and I felt like it was final, I hated that feeling. My heart aches for you both. Its been 14 years since my baby girl went to heaven and while it gets less painful you never go a day without thinking of your angel.. She will always be right by your side.
So beautiful
I love what your husband has written. <3 My prayers, as always, are with your sweet family.
Simply BEAUTIFUL.....
Beautiful words, Kellie. I'm sure these things that he wrote make you love him even more. Praying for you both and your healing.
Kellie - please don't be angry with yourself for not staying longer with Maddie that morning. As I read your post the most important thing I read was you said you kissed her and said goodbye. No matter if you stayed the 2 minutes or your usual 12 minutes that was the most important thing! Maddie knew that you loved her. She still knows that you love her! She is up in heaven smiling down on you! Stay strong, Momma!
Beautiful words for a beautiful princess.
So beautiful. I hate that the babysitter rushed you that day and you didn't get to spend more time with Maddie, but do not blame yourself for what happened. No one could've known that it would be the last time....ugh I can't even write those words out. I remember you saying the sitter was being investigated, did they have reason to suspect her or is that normal? God I hope she didn't have anything to do with it.
-Still in my heart & prayers
absolutely beautiful.
james did a beautiful job on the inscription. something no parent should ever have to write- but so meaningful and lovely.
Very nice James. I know you guys miss your princess so much. So glad you have eachother and your faith. Stay strong!
I have wanted to leave comments so many times, but could never find the words to express my hopes and prayers for you and your husband. I'm not a blogger and in fact I check two and only two. The first one is my wife's blogg (to make sure she is not busting my chops;)) and yours (just to check on you and your husband). Just know that your beautiful daughter has not only made you and your husband better parents (which you will always be), but made me a better father. Thank you so much for sharing Maddie and for sharing your story.
That is beautiful!
I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through, and I've been silently following and crying along with your blog. I hope the babysitter is being thoroughly investigated. The more I read about her, the more I get this feeling in my gut like SHE did something wrong...I just really hope she is being investigated.
((HUGS)).
His words made me cry!
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