I went back to work today. I had a rough morning. I just couldn't get going. I was running late..got to school and I was sad. I knew it was going to be one of those days.
It was great seeing my kiddos lovely faces. I missed them. They are so loving and kind. They always know just when I need a hug. I love my job..but it is so hard to go to. It just reminds me of everything I am going to miss with our Maddie and it reminds me of that dreadful day.
So, today was hard. I thought about Maddie all day (like I always do). I think its really hard now because I talked to CPS and they told me about the time range they think Maddie passed away(somewhere between 12:30-1:00)...remember I was at school. So every time it gets close to 12:30, I hurt...BAD. My heart starts beating fast and I feel like I cant catch my breath. I try to calm my self down..sometimes I can't. I keep thinking I should of known something was going on with my baby at that time on that horrible day, but I didn't know. I wasn't there. That also hurts my heart.
At the end of the day I was talking with my co-workers and thinking about how pretty it was and immediately thought, " I cant wait to go pick up Maddie...". Then I realized she is gone...and I was sad...so sad. Why do I still have these moments? Last week I was in Wal-Mart and I saw the baby formula. I thought in my head, "Maddie needs more formula.." I even started to walk towards it and then thought... Oh wait she is gone. It's moment like this that hurt the most. I just love her SO much that I feel like she is still here. I know she is always with me. I know I say this a lot but, I just wish I could see her. I wonder what she looks like today. I bet she is STUNNING with those angel wings.
Oh, I just miss her so much!!!
Jessica is doing a scrapbook for us about the people who's lives we have impacted. If you would like to submit your story and photos here is her e-mail address:
50 comments:
:( Again, speechless. Impacted, yet again. Maddie knows that her momma loves her so very much, and she is holding you up. People say time heals...no- time does help. Nothing compares to losing your baby. I pray for your continued strength. What a great pic. :)
=( I am continuously praying for you.Your words have really impacted me. Even though I am not a mother I struggle to think of what my life would be like without those that I love so dearly. I take time now with my nieces and nephews. I try to be a little bit kinder to my husband. I compliment everyone and strive to find the good in everything. I can honestly say that this is one life that Maddie has touched.
Thank you for keeping the faith. Keep your head up! God has an amazing plan for you.
Thank you for sharing your story. We walk similar paths. We lost our son just over two weeks ago... I went back to work today.... to my kindergarten classroom. Praying for you.
Kellie and James I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers. Your Maddie is a beautiful baby. My heart breaks for you. I will continue to pray for you and your husband. You are amazing, I know I would be a mess. Pat
Thanks for sharing your story. I am continually praying for you and your husband as you continue on through this trial that no parent should ever have to go through. Keep turning to God he will lift you up!
Continuing to keep you in my thoughts. I think you did wonderfully on your first day back, and wish you continued strength.
I know that everyone says they are sending strength to you, but I also know that that won't help the pain. I'm sure it will hurt every day until you see her again. But each day I hope it hurts less and less. Even though it won't stop the pain, I'm sending my thoughts to you. Just know that you will see her again and keep that thought in your head. It will give you strength.
We love you and little Maddie here in Georgia.
Your words bring tears to my eyes, may I never take one single day for granted. God Bless you and your family, may you feel a special peace sent down from your beautiful baby girl.
Kellie, my heart still breaks for you. I read your blog nearly every day and you are so amazing and inspiring. Continued prayers for you and James. You both are amazingly strong!
~Amanda
You have really touched me with your strength!! When I begin to get frustrated with my 6 year old, I think about you. It makes me stop and think and be thankful that I have both of my children. I think of you daily and pray you and your husband daily.
you impact me..so much!
i realize so much how precious the little ones in our lives can be; i think this makes me value so much more!
you are so strong;
nothing can express the way you must feel;
i think about how much you have impacted me all the time!
thinking about you and maddie!
Kellie,
I know that anything that I say isn't going to make things any easier or take the sting out, the hurt out, but I want you to know that I'm here. If you ever need to just vent to a stranger LOL my email is radfords1@frontier.com. I would be a listening ear, sometimes venting to a stranger is easier for you know once it's done it's done and it goes no further. I like to do that with my health.
I am so sorry you had such a bad day! Those times I have heard are the worst when you think you have forgotten something then realize they are gone. My neighbor lost her daughter of SIDS at 5 mths old...you never get over it, it always hurts, a place in your heart will always fill void, but it will get easier, you will grow from this although I wish you didn't have to, and GOD he is sure wrapping his arms around you as tight as he can right now! I think that it is very sweet of your friend to make a scrapbook for you! That is something you can treasure forever! I will for sure send something for her to include!
One Day at a Time sweet girl, One day at a Time!
Your in my thoughts and prayers
SUmmer
Again I am so sorry for your loss! I lost my son 11 years ago during my 35th week of pregnancy. Although I don't know the exact pain you are going through I know its hard, My prayers are with you!
I have been reading your blog for a while now but have never commented. I thought about you on my way to work this morning, and I actually think about you often. I don't know what made me think of you this morning, but I did and I said a prayer for you. I am also a kindergarten/first grade teacher and I am sure it's very hard to go back to work. I think kids know more about life then we think they do and they know just the right time to give us those special hugs or say something sweet to us. I can't imagine what you and your family are going through and have already been through. You are a very strong woman and I am sure you get stronger everyday. I just wanted to comment to let you know that a momma in Louisville, Kentucky thinks about you all the time and Maddie has impacted my life as a mother in many ways. Wish I could just give you a hug but know I am thinking about you and praying for you daily.
What a great picture of your beautiful baby girl. I read your posts everyday and I am so glad that you are writing and you are letting us (your blogger world) help you heal in any way possible. You are so much stronger than you think and I continue to pray the Lord provides you with more and more strength. A few blogs ago I saw a lot of people post about "Heaven is for Real" and I came across this link with the little boy talking- thought you might like to hear it. http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/21/boy-says-he-has-been-to-heaven/?icid=maing%7Cmaing7%7Cdl8%7Csec1_lnk3%7C51029
I think about your multiple times throughout the day and continually pray for you. I also say an extra little prayer when my little one wakes me up in the night...and I'm reminded to never ever complain about it.
May I ask how they know when she passed?
Kellie, I am sorry you had a hard day.....after suffering a loss such as yours and James'..it's hard to ghet back to doing the normal things you did before...while still getting used to your "new normal". Death is UNNATURAL for us as humans. we NEVER get over the fact that our loved ones are no longer with us and even though our heads tell us they are gone.....our hearts refuse to believe it. So we still think of them as being here and our heads remind us they are not. I would love to share some things I learned about death, but on a more private forum. I know you probably have been overwhelmed with emails since this has happened
but you can call me anytime and I would LOVE to share these things that are promised to us by our Creator. It may bring you more comfort than you realize. Even more comfort than when you read "Heaven is for real". please call me, I can help you. or you can email me your number and I will call you...I have att and have LOTS of rollover minutes!!
As always you are both in my thoughts and in my prayers!! May you fnd peace and comfort for your hearts!! much love to you both!!
donna from california
530-521-9267
dvidal1018@yahoo.com
I have been following your blog since your beautiful Maddie earned her angel wings. I am so sorry for your loss and I am so inspired by the strength you are showing. It is so amazing to me how someone that loses so much can turn that anger and sadness into awareness for a cause. My good friend recently lost her son due to a congenital heart defect (our sons have the same diagnosis but unfortunately her son did not make it). She (along with her friends) has started an organization to spread awareness for CHD's in his name and I wanted to share the blog about the organization with you http://wyattswarmth.blogspot.com/
Thank you for sharing your story with me!
Andrea Quirk
http://thequirkfamilyjac.blogspot.com/
my heart breaks for you daily Kellie, I can not even begin to imagine a day without my children. I know that you have been told a million times that God must have had bigger plans for Maddie, but it just has to be true. You and your sweet baby girl have made me a more patient parent. I take pictures daily. I check on my kids a hundred times a night to ensure they are breathing, I purchased a snuza today, (wonder if it would work for the four year old?) Your faith and strength is out of this world. Prayers are with you daily.
A parent who loses a child is called a parent.
You're always a mother now. Always.
My friend lost her son 18 years ago at 6 months. She has a 16 year old daughter now. She still says she has two children --- one just happens to be in Heaven now.
You're always a mommy. Nothing can change that.
Much love.
You are amazing for what you have went through. I lost my father last year, I was five months pregnant. I could never imagine what you are going through. But losing someone dear I can say that it will get easier. One day it will. You will still think of her everyday but it won't hurt so badly, in fact you'll smile thinking of her because you'll be so glad you had that time with her. My thoughts are with you always.
I am sorry for your hard days. I can't understand how hard it is for you everyday. I pray for you everyday. You keep holding on.
Not only are you an inspiration, but I firmly believe you are going to help save lives, as well. I had been thinking about taking the bumper pad off of my 4 month old daughter's crib. A couple of weeks ago I read your blog for the first time, put the laptop down, and went into her room and pulled the bumper off. My husband asked what I was doing and I told him all about Maddie. It just clicked in my head, there may not always be a tomorrow! I'm looking forward to reading your findings on SIDS. And like I said, I'm certain that with all the lives you are impacting, there will be babies who are sleeping more safely because of you. It is just unfortunate that you came across your platform in the way that you have. :(
you are so strong, an embodiment of how strong women can be. My sister told me of something that could be very beneficial in the future when you decide it is the right time to have another child. they have a mat you place in the crib that monitors movement and if the baby isnt moving within a certain time frame an alarm sounds letting you know to check on them. Hope this helps for the future.. I'm always keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
I came upon your blog through another person and was able to read your story. As a mother I am truely sorry for the lose of your little girl. I can not begin to imagine everything you and your husband have had to endure over the last year. I pray that you both will be able to heal over time and help others that may come upon the same exsperience you had. May God bless the both of you.
Awww. Love that swee picture. I'm so sorry your day was so hard. I hate those moments.
I remember waking up in the night one time looking for Madeline. At first I thought it was a nightmare and then I realized it was real life. It's so hard to live with those moments of realization. I hope those moments get easier for you. I'm so so sorry. Praying always, girl.
Love ya.
Hi Kellie--I have been following your blog for some time. You and your family stay in my prayers every day. I can't comprehend your pain, but I saw this on the Today Show this morning. It helped me and made me smile just knowing that those we have lost are waiting for us with Angel Wings in Heaven. I hope this helps your heart too sweetie. Much love--Sally Burrows www.sallyburrows.blogspot.com
Here is the link to the video:
http://www.clicker.com/tv/today-show/dont-believe-boy-saw-heaven-parents-talk-proof-1467580/
Oh goodness, this just made me cry so hard. My heart breaks for you and james. I am sorry that you had a rough day again. Im sorry you go through that every day areound the time your beautiful angel passed. Maddie loves you both so much! I know shes looking down from heaven smiling down on you both! I Bet she looks radiant with her angel wings, shes such a beautiful little girl. I pray for you everyday, quite a few times, and i ask Maddie to watch over you and james. I also ask her to watch over my babies as well, and ask her to keep them safe. I might not know you and never have known Maddie but your family has made a huge impact on my life. I know nothing i say will lessen your pain but i do pray that you have a better day tomorrow. Youre always in my thoughts and prayer.
Ashley
You think those thoughts because she IS with you. I'm not a very religious girl but I do believe in angels and when I read your stories I can tell Maddie is always by your side. You are an amazing woman.
Im so sorry for your loss. We lost my nephew to SIDS 6 years ago and he was just a little over a month old. You and your family are in my prayers.
Kellie, you were and still are a Mommy! Although Maddie has gone to Heaven, nothing can ever take your title away!
I know so many of us tell you how strong you are, and you are! But on hard days like today, that may be the absolute last thing you want to hear. Just take each day, and sometimes an hour at a time, at the pace that you need to.
I have experienced those moments of thinking of that loved one and starting to do something for them only to realize they weren't there. It is so painful! Just remember that God gives us the strength as our days are! He loves you and will never give you more than you can handle.
Still praying for you and James! Hang in there!
I fervently hope and pray that one day all of this intense pain will be replaced with the intense joy when you get to hold Maddie again, Kellie. (And James). Only then will you understand God's will of taking Maddie so soon. {{hugs}}
I thought about you alot today.. I do every day but knew today was your 1st day back after break.. Praying for you!!!!! Love from Tn!!!!
Kellie,
I have been thinking about you all day wondering how you were making it. I prayed that you would have the strength to make it through the day without getting upset. I know its hard and you miss her more than anything in this world. I pray that she comes to you in a dream so you can just touch her and see her one more time. I know God does things like that because he sent grandmother back to see granddaddy. I have a post about it on my blog. I hope you have a better day tomorrow. I know Maddie is looking down and watching you as Colton was watching his mom and dad at the hospital. I know I keep saying this but thank you for suggesting that book. I feel so much better and I am more excited now than ever to get to Heaven so I can be reunited with my Angel and loved ones that have gone on before me. Praying for you.
you are one of the strongest people I have ever encountered. I buried my son too, but he was stillborn. I didn't have to do what you are doing now, I cannot imagine. Continuing prayers for you and your family during this extremely difficult time.
i have been reading your blog daily. and amoungst my busy school schedule and being eli's mommy, i think of you. i hold him tighter, kiss him once more, and can not begin to imagine the pain that you feel. i admire how you continue to push forward and i know that it is God that keep you going along with all his angels including Maddie. She is watching you and she knows you love her and guess what, she loves you too. Hugs for you and your family and know that you have touched my heart and have made me slow down and breath in my little ones smell and appreciate God's gift even when things get so hectic. Keep posting so we know you are ok. my prayers and thoughts are continuously with you.
I wish I could express how much your Maddie has changed my life. Everyday, I put a bow in my Kloe's hair with thoughts of Maddie. Kloe is the same age as Maddie, and I just want you to know that all the way in Michigan, she has made a huge impact. I wish I could give you a hug and say how much I appreciate your strong words and your strength. You are an inspiration to me, and Maddie is thought about daily in our house!
i say quit!but thats only if you can!i think you went back too soon! you seem a lot happier at home and doing arts and crafts, work will always be hard because you have that guilt! i cant wait till the day you wont feel as sad anymore!! i hope you have a better day tomorrow! were all here for you!!
I happened upon this while stumbling around on etsy and thought of you instantly. Thinking of you and your family...
http://www.etsy.com/listing/69374401/new-i-never-knew-how-strong-i-was-until
Breastfeeding reduces the risk of SIDS
Hummm... I hope this works
Breastfeeding reduces the risk of SIDS greatly.
So sorry Kellie. It was good to see you today and I know your kids were happy to see you too.
I cry everyday for you. Every single day my heart breaks into a million pieces for you and I sob as though I lost my own baby. I don't know you and I never had the pleasure of meeting your beautiful Maddie but your lives have touched me in a way that I will never recover from. Your story has taught me to value my children more. To hold hug and kiss them more than I already do (which is a rediculous amount). It has taught me to not take a singel moment for granted and to remember that even when things are not perfect or going my way I am blessed to have the moments at all. I am so so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the strenght you and your husband have to continue to put one foot in front of the other everyday after such a tragic loss. Please know that you and your husband are increadible people and Maddie was so so lucky to have had you as parents.
Your story has touched so many and especially me. I think the whole idea really hit me last night. I have a three and a half year old who I love more than words could ever explain. Being a full time working mom is a huge balancing act. I so wish that I was able to stay home with her but it’s just not possible right now, maybe someday but not now. Three is a very difficult age and very trying on my patience; last night’s bedtime was especially difficult. Just at the moment that I thought I was going to lose it I had a sudden reminder of what you have said many times, enjoy every moment because there is no turning back. From that moment on I had the strength to get through the battle with my 3 year old. While lying next to her I kissed her till she fell asleep. There was something about last night that wouldn't let me leave her side, I took advantage of every second watching her sleep, looking at her and enjoy every little detail of her beautiful face. I know this may sound crazy but I truly have to thank you for sharing your story. I believe that God has a journey for each of us and even though Maddie's journey was short she has made a huge impact on so many families and mothers out there. I wish there was a way to turn back time and bring your Maddie back but for now we must look forward and realize the beauty in the gift that her life has given so many. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us, it has helped me refocus on my priorities in life.
xoxo
Kelli @ loveoursimplelife.blogspot.com
I just want you to know your not alone in those feelings of.. oh yeah she isnt here... I had those for a very long time and still do every so often and its been over a year. I remember waking up about 2 months after Kenzie passed. I was freaking out because I just remembered Makenzie didnt get her 4 month shots (she was in the hospital at that point) I called my husband even. It was the longest I had ever gone still thinking this wasnt real. I hated that feeling. That pain is like no other. Im so sorry. I think about you everyday.
my heart is so broken for you...I pray that God will comfort your heart and bless you in ways that you cannot imagine now.
Hi Kellie, I don't remember how I found your blog, but I can't stop reading it, and my heart wont stop hurting. I have an almost 9 month old, and ever since reading your story I hold her a little closer. I know you must hear this all the time, but you've helped me realize that life is so precious. She has been having sleep problems lately but I don't care how tired I am, I'm just so happy I have something to be tired for. I don't complain anymore, and you helped me learn that.
I think about you and your family often, and today in the car I heard this song with new ears. I heard it for you and cried all through it. I just wanted to share it with you. Please hold tight to your faith and know that we will see those who we have lost in heaven. Praise God!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw
You don't know me, but I have been following your blog since a mutual friend posted the link on her Facebook page. When you talked about thinking that you could not wait to pick up Maddie or that she needed more formula, I could relate. I am not a mother yet, but my dad passed away very suddenly almost 4 years ago. For a while I would think of something that I wanted to tell him and and would start to call him, but would quickly realize I couldn't call him because he was gone. I would see trucks that looked like his and look twice to see if he was driving, only to realize once again he was gone. I hated that feeling so much! It was just a cruel reminder of the simple things I could no longer do: call him, talk to him, see him, hug him, etc. What I can promise you though is that it does get better. The feelings of hopelessness, hurt, anger, sadness, and so on do ease as time passes. Those feelings never completely go away, but comfort, joy in remembering good time, peace of knowing they are in a better and happier place, and overwhelming love seem to overshadow the bad feelings. I pray that you feel that comfort, joy, peace, and love soon! I know that losing a parent is nothing compared to losing a child, but I hope that this helps some. Something that also helped me was reading books about grief. "Experiencing Grief" (which you can buy at Cedar Springs Bookstore) was by far the most helpful. It just let me know that what I was feeling and going through was normal and that I could get through it in my own way, in my own time. I will continue to pray for you, as well as your husband and family.
You don't know me, but I have been following your blog since a mutual friend posted the link on her Facebook page. When you talked about thinking that you could not wait to pick up Maddie or that she needed more formula, I could relate. I am not a mother yet, but my dad passed away very suddenly almost 4 years ago. For a while I would think of something that I wanted to tell him and and would start to call him, but would quickly realize I couldn't call him because he was gone. I would see trucks that looked like his and look twice to see if he was driving, only to realize once again he was gone. I hated that feeling so much! It was just a cruel reminder of the simple things I could no longer do: call him, talk to him, see him, hug him, etc. What I can promise you though is that it does get better. The feelings of hopelessness, hurt, anger, sadness, and so on do ease as time passes. Those feelings never completely go away, but comfort, joy in remembering good time, peace of knowing they are in a better and happier place, and overwhelming love seem to overshadow the bad feelings. I pray that you feel that comfort, joy, peace, and love soon! I know that losing a parent is nothing compared to losing a child, but I hope that this helps some. Something that also helped me was reading books about grief. "Experiencing Grief" (which you can buy at Cedar Springs Bookstore) was by far the most helpful. It just let me know that what I was feeling and going through was normal and that I could get through it in my own way, in my own time. I will continue to pray for you, as well as your husband and family.
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