Today we also had to do another thing we have both been avoiding...going back to the funeral home. We REALLY didnt want to go back into that place. We have such BAD memories there...but we had to. We HAD to go back in there for Maddie. We had to submit our design for her headstone. Luckly we had already designed it and we just needed to make sure everything was correct. We were there only 5 minutes.
I think the hardest part about today was going to her actual resting spot and putting down the flowers I made. That hurt..it made it real. There is no marker there because we just designed her headstone... but we knew where she was because there is new grass. I used to love new grass. I really don't know how I feel about it anymore. It was peaceful there today. James put her flower in the ground and then it got cloudy except for some sun shining down on her flowers. I think it was Maddie's way of telling us she loves them. They are very pretty!
I asked James to take my picture by Maddie's flowers without even thinking. I always took pictures with Maddie before so I thought "Well why not take picture by her grave..". That was not the right thing to ask James to do.. and I realize it now. I feel so bad! He got very upset and I did to. This isn't right. We should not be taking pictures at our Maddie's grave. NO! This isn't RIGHT!!!! She is our healthy, precious little girl.. She was never sick and so cute.. This is not what we should be doing!!!
You know what tho? Life isn't fair.. but God know James and I can handle this. James and I are truly blessed to of given birth, held, kissed, loved and been a part of a true angels life.
We miss you Maddie so much.
26 comments:
I am so sorry you have to go through this, but so happy that you and James are there for each other through this trying time. I asked my husband the other day if he thought we would make it through this kind of unfortunate event and his response was the same as mine "I hope so". Even though I know my husband is my soulmate you can never predict how you are going to grieve. God has blessed you with James , and James with you. I wish you to many, many more years of happiness.
that is the BEST picture of you and Maddie at the pumpkin patch! I love it. Just wanted you to know I am out here thinking of you and James and Maddie. You are very special to share your story inspires me ti be strong. I hold my daughter closer, and appreciate every moment more because of your sweet Maddie. Thank you for sharing her with all of us. Love from Austin, TX
I still continue to pray for you everynight before I go to sleep. I started reading your blog the day your baby got her wings. And ever since my heart has been hurting for you. I believe madison was put here to change your life and then taken, to change millions of other peoples life. I won't pretend to know how you feel, but I do know the paon of loss.
Prayers for you and James from Ky
God bless you Kellie!
Thank you for sharing your pictures and thoughts with us that don't know you but pray for you daily. I really appreciate it. You have put life back into perspective for me.
Thank you
So sorry today was hard for you both. No words can be said to ease the pain of your loss. As I said before Time is your friend and your enemy, friend in the sense that as time goes on you get used to life without Maddie and enemy for the same reason...you don't want time to go on because that means you are farther from Maddie...you want to be able to have her with you!!! The Bible promises to give you that again, to be able to hold her in your arms again. I would like to share more with you, but not here..too public, and this would/ should/needs to be private. The Bible will answer your questions, and I'd like to help you find them in there. Please call me when/if you want to
530-521-9267 or email dvidal1018@yahoo.com. As always may you find peace to comfort your hearts. You are in my thoughts and prayers Much love to you both!!
Donna from california
I remember feeling like that when Savanna's headstone finally came in. I asked my husband if he wanted to take a picture with it.. then I realized what I was asking.. what do you do? Do you smile? Do you just stare? Do you look at each other? We decided on not taking a picture with it.. but part of me, part of me knew this was the only kind of 'family' photo we would ever have again.. thinking about you daily.. please know that you know are not alone in things you feel or think.. please know (that although you will feel crazy at times) that one of us have probably felt like that or something similar to that at some point.. I love the flowers--they are beautiful.. and when her headstone comes in.. it will be such a rush of so many emotions.. embrace each moment and always remember to breathe.. thinking of you xoxo
There really are no words...No comments and answers any of us can give you...
How heartbreaking it is to hear about your husband in your post this evening...because my husband does the same on saturdays for me, I can't even image your/ his feelings...
I pray one day again you will find happiness in another little one. Only to continue on with your family I think is BEST.
With love- From my family to yours!
My son Braden was stillborn in June a week before his due date. I want to let you know how thankful I am for your blog. I first saw it on facebook and have read since. Maddie has truly touched my life. I hadn't reached out to other mothers before reading your blog. I had no idea where to even start. I pretty much stayed shut off in my grief. I was in a very bad place. I know our situations are different, but it helps to know I'm not alone. Through the comments on here I have found other moms of stillborn babies, and talking to them has helped so much. I also found a site called Anchored by Hope which has an online Bible study and support group. I am so excited for it. For the first time in a long time I have some hope. I also found a site called Butterfly Footprints which takes your baby's footprints and makes them into a butterfly picture. They are so pretty. I thought of Maddie when I saw them. I'm going to order one for Braden. Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. Thank you so much for sharing and know Maddie has truly helped me and I'm sure many other moms.
Kellie,
I found your blog from a friend's blog, and have been reading since Maddie became an angel in heaven. I have a 4 month old baby girl at home and this story truly touched my heart, and as I got home this morning from work, I held my baby girl, crying, and could not stop kissing her and hugging her. Your story has really made me appreciate all that I have. I wish you and your family peace and strength during these difficult times and I am praying for you! You are such a strong person and I am glad you have such a great support group! Oh, and Kayleigh will be wearing lots of bows in honor of Maddie, we will think of her everytime! :)
Kari in SC
I'm praying for you lots!!! I'm so glad (and Maddie is, too) that you and her daddy can hold each other up.
I am so proud of you girl. This is not easy- but one foot in front of the other. II think I remember telling you that from day one- if you even get to read these- I can't imagine how busy you are. But that life is NOT fair. There is no breaking it down. It's not. Crappy things happen to great people. On the flipside, you were lucky enough to have Maddie choose you, and spend those four months with such an incredible little girl. I am proud of you guys. You will heal in your own way, as much as you can. In the meantime, we are pulling for ya. I wish I lived nearer to Texas!
I'm so sorry you both had such a rough day. Everyday I read your blog, and I cry for you. My heart breaks for you. I find myself thinking of you and Maddie many times throughout the day. I pray for you every time, and I ask beautiful miss Maddie to watch over you and James, and my babies as well.Your strength is amazing... you, are amazing. Sending your family love from crowley tx
How AMAZING that the sun shone on just her flowers. If that's not a sign from God & Maddie letting you know she is alright I don't know what is!!! Keep looking for your little Maddie miracles, Kellie. Even the grass growing... Everything Maddie is or was a part of is sure to be beautiful!!! I bet heaven is EVEN better now because a very special angel is there.... Wearing a BIG ole bow!
Much Love!!!! -Sallie in New braunfels Tx
Your strength never ceases to amaze me. It would be so easy to crawl under the covers and never come out but instead you are making flowers and beautiful bows to honor Maddie, not to mention the incredibly creative name blocks. I love seeing your new creations on fb. As much as the world was blessed to have Maddie in it, so are we blessed for having you. Not only are you sharing your grief(and your strength) with other women, mothers, familes, etc., you are educating them on SIDS and changing the way parents care for their children. You will never know how many children you save from SIDS by posting the information you have but you are changing the world for the better. I realize you never wished to be in this position but you and James are an inspiration for all of us and I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for you. I know it's going to be great. Sending love, hugs and prayers from Indiana.
I am so sorry for the really tough day! It truly is not fair! The wonderful thing is, though, that you two have each other to share the really tough times, but to also share those special memories that only you have!
The flowers are absolutely beautiful!
Please know that I continue to pray for you both!
May God bless you in a special way this day!
You guys are always in my thoughts and prayers! Remember, only you and James know exactly what each other are going through. You guys are her parents and you both need to be there for each other. It can be hard but it seems like you are doing very well in supporting each other. <3
A thought ...maybe spell it like this ...mommie and daddie. Just like maddie :) she will always be your baby girl and you will always be her parents. I'm sure she loves the flowers! They're as beautiful as your hearts!
I am in the car headed to church listening to my children scream at each other, saying mean things and I think to myself GRRRR, why do I have to listen to this. Then I was prompted to go to your blog and read your post. This is the first one that has made me cry for a while. I feel horrible for for the thoughts I had after reading what you and your husband have endured. I have been brought back to reality and have remembered how grateful I am for days like today. You and your husband have such an amazing strength. I am glad I listened to the spirit telling me to read your blog and remind me not to take it for granted. Even the bad days. Again, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet angel. Families ARE forever and you will be with her again. She is doing many great things in Heaven in preperation for your reunion someday. Thank you for your continued strength and inspiration and for sharing Maddie with us!
I am so sorry that you all had a bad day. :(
It was cloudy and stormy here all day, but every now and then the clouds would part and you could see the sunbeams going down to the ground. My granny used to tell me that those sunbeams were actually people looking down from heaven. I'm sure that Maddie is watching you and James everyday. She is with you always.
Kellie,
I am so sorry you have to go through but you were right when you said God knew you could handle it. Stay true to him and continue relying on Him for comfort and strength. You are always in my prayers. I also wanted to let you know of a foundation I heard about through another blog, The Joy-Hope Foundation. Visit their website http://www.joyhopefoundation.com/about.php and maybe they can help you. Once again I'm praying for you and James. God Bless.
Tara from New Mexico
Sorry you had a bad day i just wated to tell you that i LOVE the photo that you had with the blog today. it is a great photo.my thoughts and prayers are with you and james every day.
You are on my mind often and I don't even know you.
Her flowers are beautiful- just like her. She must be looking down from heaven so proud of those flowers and so proud of you and James. Continue to stay strong and inspire each and every one of us daily with your message.
Continuing to pray for you.....You and James are so strong....thankfully you have each other to lean on during this time. I cannot imagine how hard it must be. Try to stay strong!!
I love that picture of you guys. When you took it I'm sure you never thought in the future you will lose your baby. I'm sure none of us ever think that it could happen to us. I hope everyone realizes that each moment is precious and never take life or loved ones for granted. I know I sometimes forget. Your story makes us all realize that and I am grateful to you for it. I also love the flowers you put at her grave site. You guys are so strong and I am sending best wishes and healing your way every day. xo
I've been away from the internet for a bit and just read this post. When you feel stronger, I wanted to let you know it is okay to take pictures at Maddie's grave site. I had a miscarriage long ago and while it was hard to go back to the family cemetery, it does help me to remember NOT to forget the little one I never knew or held... the little one both my husband and I thought was going to be a baby girl. My husband has taken pictures of some of our kids that were born after we lost our "Baby Hope". It is nice because it helps them to know there is another sibling in our family, one that we have not met.
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