The thing is I wont get to take her 5 month picture. I wont get to kiss her cheeks or smell her hair. I can't listen to her talk to me, or feel her drool all over my arm. She isnt here. She is in heaven....and my heart is still broken.
So, tomorrow I am going to try and be happy. I am going to try and smile. Hopefully tomorrow I can be a little bit stronger...
49 comments:
I read ALL of your posts last night, I have been so sad for you all day today. I am so sorry for your loss..I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am a Christian, and I know that God is using you through this experience in some way. Your story has helped me out a lot..you may think it was in a weird way but not really..I have a Two year old daughter and my son is 2 Months..my doctor put me on antideprssants because i told him i felt depressed..I am 19 with two kids, I am married but he works ALL the time so i dont get much help. I have been having the worst time with my daughter..she hasnt been listening to me anymore and i told my good friend at church that i didnt want to be a mother anymore..and then two days later i read your blog and felt like the worst person EVER..I now look at my two kids in a totally different way. I always loved them more than anything I have just been a little over whelmed. so now instead of being frustrated because i never get a break i am cherishing EVERY moment I have with them. Because you never know when God will take them or even me.. I dont know you but I love you. and I think your an amazing person and very strong..Please email me if you can. I would just love to talk to you on a personal level if I can..My name is lindsey.
graves.lindsey@gmail.com
This world is a crazy place right now. If all the prophecies are right, the end could be near. Maybe God took Maddie 'cause he didn't want her to suffer. She was too good for this earth. So maybe we'll all join her soon, in Heaven. I don't know. Sometimes that's the only thing I can come up with to try and make sense of it. I'm sorry Kellie. I never even met her and I miss her too. Happy 5th month birthday kiddo.
Yes a litle bit stronger! I will now listen to that song and think of you everytime. Tommorrow you could send Maddie some balloons to heaven. Praying for you always!! (((HUGS))))
Hi :-) I'm new to your blog but have caught up on your story over the past week or so.
I haven't experience near what you and your precious family have, but I am familiar with the pain of losing the hopes and dreams that you allow yourself to have. Those hopes and dreams become so bitter-sweet.
Our baby-girl (well, she's 2.5) is adopted and we're in the process of adopting again. After many failed adoptions this time around, even with the hope of bringing our next baby home soon, I still know every milestone of each sweet baby that 'could' have been ours. I know their names, their birthdays, their one week and one month-days, their weight and length, we know their birthparents and they have all become part of our story. I imagined every one of them in our home, I prepared the nursery over and over again for every one of them... and they're not here. They never will be.
Our stories are so different and I know that what we've gone through couldn't possibly equal your journey; they're just different... and both painful in their own ways. But I can imagine that the pain, and the frustration, and the emptiness is similar.
I look forward to following your story. Thank you for your transparency... it's brutally tough, I know. God is using you and your sweet baby-girl to help others'... I know it doesn't make any of it 'ok' or 'easier', but it is; for what it's worth :-)
Lindsay
I will be praying for you tomorrow. I second the sending balloons to heaven for Maddie! You are so very strong.
If you are stronger, you are and if you aren't, you aren't. Just take it as it comes. My baby was due on October 14th but he was born early and born still. So every 14th of the month, I think of how old he would be too. It is never easy and I don't even have the memory of a living baby in my arms.
You can't rush yourself through. Take the good days as they come and be grateful for them. Take the bad days as they come and just get through them the best you can.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow.
I was shocked to read your post and have the Sara Evans song in it. I was actually thinking of writing you and telling you that although this song is about a different topic it makes me think of you. I hope that you can continue to get a little bit stronger!
You can always do a little celebration for her 5 months! Bake a pretty Maddie cupcake and take pics of it, with you photography skills :)
God Bless you! XoXo
Hi there. My name is Haley McLeod, and my husband is Billy. We recently heard about and now are reading your story.. My sister Hannah heard about your loss on Facebook and through a friend. We lost our baby girl Bailey last year, in May and would like to talk to you. I am on my iPhone and am having some trouble navigating (trying to find your email address). Can you please email me??
Haynow82@gmail.com
Thinking about y'all and praying for you.
Have a good evening :)
Hi, my name is Shannon. I was told about your blog from a friend of mine (I'm not a blogger myself). I lost my baby girl, Reese Holland Becker, on Feb. 10th, exactly one week before you lost your Maddie. Reese was 4 1/2 months old, and also passed away at daycare. I am essentially in the same position you are, except I have a little boy who is almost 4...and he really is the reason I'm still going. My thoughts are with you and your family. I'm sorry you and I are living the same nightmare.
If you would like to talk, feel free to email me at shannonbecker06@gmail.com.
Kellie I will be praying for you extra hard tomorrow. Also, Shannon (another post on here) I will be putting you in my prayers as well. Maybe you should think about blogging about your experience. I have never been through (and hope to never be in) your guys' position but I lost my mother when I was young. Writing helps. Also, I agree with both suggestions I saw. Balloons to heavan-you can do this once a month if you want and on her 1st birthday you can send a happy 1st to her. Just because she isn't here does not mean you can't celebrate. She deserves it. Praying for you guys!
She will give you strength tomorrow and every day after. Just remember that it's ok to cry, but just know that she is smiling at you from heaven and she loves you so much.
Prayers for strength and a renewed spirit.
Jenn
Kellie- That song is beautiful! Tomorrow is going to be a hard day and I will pray hard for you! I know you will want to take those 5 month photos, but maybe you could get a balloon, write 5 months on it...and send it to maddie in heaven! I know we sometimes send balloons to our loved ones in heaven. And it helps just a little! Sending big huggs to you and James tomorrow! <3
thinking of you kellie!
That's so ironic u posted that song! I've been following your blog for 2 weeks and now when I hear it, I think of u and don't even know u! My son is 10 weeks old. The things u said that your precious maddie did reminds me of Cameron. He's the happiest when I hold him. Loves to be bounced on my knee when he's fussy! Loves to eat! My boy hardly ever sleeps during the day! Lol. He's 15 pounds! Loves to follow me with his eyes when I walk around. Has reflux , milk protein allergy and for 1 month, i've had to use a thermometer to help him poop! I would get so overwhelmed and stressed. I now realize that I am BLESSED to gave ANY of this! Good or bad! Thanks for all u do! Maddie is a beautiful angel!
Praying for you to have strength and peace tomorrow. May God bless and keep you. I pray that you feel Maddie's presence and love and are comforted.
I know its difficult but try and celebrate the happy times you've had with Maddie. Celebrate her tomorrow with a cupcake or something special. Because she is looking down on her mommy and daddy every minute.
Everytime I hear that song i think of you! Im sending you prayers everyday and Im sure that tomorrow will be hard. Always remember that Maddie is with you and can hear you when you talk to her! Keep your head up and one day at a time. Im sure Maddie is so proud of how strong mommy and daddy have been. God bless you both
Thinking of you guys...
I just have to share that since reading your blog I began thinking, what do my children smell like. If they were gone tomorrow would I have that memory. Every day since I have taken the time to hold each one in my arms and just breath in their beautiful smell. I feel like I am building a new bond with them because of this simple practice and I'm determined to cherish every second with them!!!!
"Faithful God"
If I call, will You come
When I cry, do You hear
I believe every tear
Is caught up by a faithful God
So I will cry until You come
Cast my cares into Your arms
I can't see past this storm
But I'm counting on a faithful God
Faithful God
You hold my life secure
All my days are Yours
I believe
My God is like a fire defending me
Faithfully
I believe You still heal
And demons still bow
I'm convinced there is power
In trusting in a faithful God
So I will praise till You appear
And set Your foot upon this shore
I declare that every foe
Is subject to my faithful God
Faithful God
You hold my life secure
All my days are Yours
I believe
My God is like a fire defending me
Faithfully
I know that You are mine
And I am Yours, I am Yours
I know Your faithfulness
It will endure, it will endure
Do something special for Maddie tomorrow. I agree with others, bake her a cupcake, send off some balloons to heaven. Praying tomorrow is a good day for you!
Happy five months, Maddie.
Kellie, I heard about your story the week after this all happened and since then I have been following your blog everyday. I get on here to check up on you, to see if you are doing okay but I do it silently because although I know all of us supporting you and showing it I just fell like I cant help, I cant say the right thing, and that kills me. Your families story has inspired me to make sure tell my 6 week old how much he means to me and how much I love him even when he is upset, I have never been one to let him cry for long but now i remember not to get upset to instead of vent bad i vent i love yous and kisses. You are SO strong, whether you feel it or not! Keep it up Kellie, James also!
You guys are in my thoughts and prayers!!!
I heard this song in my car the other day and it made me think of you. I am kepping you and your family in my thoughts.
Sending Prayers & Love your way!! I heard that song a week ago & you entered my mind, such a beautiful song.
I also agree with the others Ladies about sending balloons up to heaven for Maddie's 5 month birthday.
My God Bless You & James...try to stay strong sweetie.
Happy 5 Months Beautiful Angle!!
~Brandy
I'm praying for much strength for you tomorrow. Know that when you are praying, I am praying, and when you are crying, I am also crying. My heart breaks for you everyday...
I think of our spirits as a muscle. If you work them out really hard, all the fibers break down--and when you work them out again, they come back stronger than before. But, the trick is that there has to be time in between, or you never give your muscles time to heal. Give yourself a LOT of time to grieve. It's okay to cry, it's okay to be sad. But Maddie will pick you up, Maddie will give you the workout that your spiritual muscles need. Keep talking and singing to her, because I know she is so happy to hear your voice from Heaven! Love from Florida,
Jen <3
I could never imagine what you are going through, just reading your blogs and knowing your story makes my heart hurt. I will be keeping you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers as you wake up and go through your day.
Every 1 month birthday is rough. My hardest was when Braden would have been 3 months old. It was on my birthday. You think of every milestone you are missing. I like to a little something on the second day of each month (his birthday) to honor him. His 1st birthday would have been this June. I want to plan something special to celebrate just how much meaning he brought to my life for just the short time I had him.
Kellie,
I am praying for you and James. I pray that God gives you the strength to make it through tomorrow. I know that Maddie is shining down on you now. I sent you something special to your facebook. I hope you like it and I hope it makes your day a little better.
Crystal
My heart goes to you Kellie and James, I don't have very many words to convey what I am feeling for you both. Yes, tomorrow will be a hard day..cry if you feel like it, send her a balloon, if you want, go vist her.. if you want, bake her a cupcake, if you want, or have a Celebration of Life for her, have your family with you and talk about her, what you miss, what you remember, what they remember, look at her pictures and its ok to cry while you remember her, and know that thousands will be remembering her too.
Maddie, you and James have had an impact on thousands of lives....because of your bravery in sharing your story many many many children are gettng that extra time extra hugs and extra kisses from their parents....So Celebrate her Life however you want to.
Being strong does not mean never having another bad day, or no more tears shed, being strong is being able to DO THOSE THINGS!!! and continue on with your day..minute by minute hour by hour...Time is what you need and yet it can be our worse enemy, being strong means you will continue and you will be determined to be happy again, maybe not tomorrow but someday. As always you and James are in my thoughts and in my prayers, may you find some comfort tomorrow especially, for your hearts. Much love to you and James! My offer to call and talk is always available to you.
donna from california
530-521-9267
stay strong hun!!! I will be thinking about you and praying for you today!!!
Your precious baby was born a mere 2 weeks after my baby girl, so your story really pulls at my heart strings and brings tears to my eyes. I think of you and your husband often and pray for peace and healing. Having suffered a miscarriage years ago I can empathize a bit with your tragic situation.
Please know that I and so many others are praying for you and James. You are obviously being filled with some graces from God -- it shows in your writings. You are just taking one day at a time and surviving. In time, you will have even more healing but in the short term things like your first Mother's day will be so painful. Keep talking to your daughter and ask her to say some prayers for you as well. She is so close to Jesus that I'm sure God will listen and answer her prayers.
May God bless you and keep you in His care.
~ Trisha
P.S. I can't seem to find your e-mail address on your new beautiful blog format. I had a "Bow for Maddie" picture to share. Here's a link to my Facebook profile where I hope you can view it.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=32242706&l=ce96d5b809&id=1354160871
Please feel free to e-mail me at trishabear1970 at yahoo dot com. Peace.
Happy 5 months Maddie.
I hope you have a wonderful day. Please hold your momi and dadi all day! I remember Kenzie's 5 month bday. It was the day ofter her funeral. I was all into those month milestones like you. I hated that day. She was supose to still be here. Still be with me. Still be in my arms. So sould Maddie. Im praying for you. For your sweet husband. Today is not easy. I hope you can feel some comfort and love from Maddie but I know those days. Its not easy. Its the hardest thing. The hardest days. The hardest moments. Im so sorry. I wish I could do more to help. I wish I could take some of this away. On the 18th of every month (kenzies bday day) my husband and I still do something. We go to the cemetary. We send ballooons. We write notes. We still celebrate her. We also do that on the 13th of every month (her angel day) I guess I just need as many HER days as I can. Just an idea. Ill be sending ms Maddie a balloon tonight.
Dear Lord Heavenly father-I pray today that you would wrap your arms around Kellie and James, lord I pray you give them signs today of Maddie-Lord that you would give them strength today and comfort in knowing you have there little angle safely in your arms and that she is smiling down on her parents' the ones you chose for her to have..I pray that in the midst of all the pain and sorrow Lord that you reveal to them hope and faith in you Lord. I pray today Lord that you just surround yourself around a mommy and a daddy to precious angel Maddie and give them comfort. In your holy and precious name. amen.
Kellie -
I have been following your blog since I first heard of you losing your precious angel Maddie.,I pray for you daily. Thank you so much for sharing your precious baby with all of us..I am a Mommy too and I do hold them a little longer and tighter these days. YOu are seriously such an inspiration to so many and it is amazing to see God work through you-praying for strength for you today. A little bit stronger-but it is ok to cry.
Love and Hugs!xo
Rachel
It is today, you are stronger. I have prayed for you every single day since I found out about you. I have a quote from confucios for you:
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall"
You have fallen, and it's so hard to get up, but you have. Every single day you get up, get out of bed, and make your Maddie proud. The simple fact that you know she is with you will keep you going.
My little girl will be a year old on wednesday, There will be an extra place and gift bag at her party for your baby girl. It may sound silly, but I feel as if I know you and have gotten to know Maddie as well. It's the least I can do to honor her life, along with the large bow she will be wearing that day.
You are strong and have inspired me more than I can express.
Amanda M. Allen Park, Mi
Just wanted to send you a hug today and let you know I'm thinking of you.
Sending you hugs and prayers today!
Hey kellie, I was reading some Blogs and happen to hear about a site called "molly bears" www.mollybears.com. a woman makes weighted bears in memory of a lost child. She made her first when she had a miscarrage and thought that it really helped her to have somethin physical to hold.
Just heard that Sara Evans song as I was driving home. Of course I immediately thought of you and said an extra prayer for you, James, and your family. Praying you had another good day! Sending hugs your way!
Ginger
Just read Allison's comment. I also know of someone that makes bears from a loved ones piece of clothing when they haves passed away. We gave one to a friend when her Mother passed away. Allison, you might also mention this to your friend, I think it does help. :)
you.......are.......amazing!
I hope the road ahead today was not a windy one...I believe your little Angel was right besides you today(guiding you). I have been following your blog since day 1 and pray for you and your husband. I think this a beautiful song for the 2 of u- Rascal Flatts – I Won’t Let Go. Stay strong and let Maddie lead the way!
diannacarlson27@gmail.com
Just wanted to let you know that I thought and prayed for you all day today. You are incredibly strong.
Sincerely,
Emily
I only just watched the video now, I couldn't bring myself to watch it. It was beautiful, but I feel heartbroken for you all over again, like the first couple of days I read your blog.
I just want to know you and Maddie have made such a difference in my life. I will always remember Maddie for the rest of my life. My outlook on life has completely changed, Maddie has made me a better person and a better mother. I have always been a good mum, I would give my life in the most savage way for my daughter. I would sometimes get wrapped up and depressed in things that are in the grand scheme of things not that bad at all. I would get upset that I couldn't go out anymore. All I want to do now for the last few weeks is be with my daughter.
I have learned about empathy and caring more for other people, Maddie has taught me this. I am sure you and Maddie have made so many people, better people and changed their lives.
I pray everyday that things are a little bit easier for you, but I really feel if you feel like crying all day today, then that's what you must do... the only way is up once you have hit the bottom and you will be stronger for it.
Xxx
Kellie, I have followed your blog since the day after Maddie earned her Angel wings. I'm currently running the online Scentsy event in honor of Maddie (thru March 23rd...at www.scentsy.us/jessicagelinas), but I keep thinking about you and feeling like I can do more.
You and Maddie have touched the lives of so many people. I would like to build a book (a scrapbook of sorts) for you, and I'm calling it "Maddie's Impact". I would love for all of the people that have been touched by your story to send me an e-mail (and picture, if they want to) from now until April 15th. I will compile all of the responses, create a book and mail it over to you. I want you to have this on your journey to your new "normal" as a reminder that Maddie's short life DID have a purpose...and she will continue to have a purpose through all of us :) You have made a lot of us better people, better Moms...just better. We have Maddie, and you, to thank for that.
So, for anyone who would like to participate, please send me an e-mail to jjgelinas@verizon.net. In the e-mail, include how your life has been impacted by Maddie and Kellie (and James) and a picture of you and your family. Please title the e-mail "Maddie's Impact" followed by your First and Last name so that I can keep up.
Thinking of you,
Jessica
I think of you every time I hear this song Kellie! <3
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