I knew we needed to go to the grocery store and it wasn't something I wanted to do. There is nothing these days I really want to do. I don't want to clean, wash clothes, cook dinner, watch tv... nothing. But..I picked my self up out of bed and got dressed.
Madeline has blessed James and I with an awesome gift (which really helped us).
So, I was ready to go to the store I didnt even have to think.
James and I walk into the store and its packed...kids everywhere. We didn't even make it through the produce and I was crying. I was so close to telling James we needed to leave but I knew if we left we would have to come back. Babies were everywhere. James felt sad to. Why did we have to loose our Maddie. She was so perfect...so beautiful..so healthy...so loved.
Sometimes I like to go into Maddie's room just sit and talk to her.I haven't been in since her funeral. I went in today and gasped. It hurt. Her room smelled just like her. Her dirty clothes still in a pile on her changing table. Her monitor and white noise machine are still in the same place. Everything is there except our Maddie. I wanted to stay but I couldn't. I turned around, shut the door and left.
Our new life is so weird. I want my old Maddie life back. I want to be sleep deprived, and have spit up stains on my shirt. I want to change her diapers. I want still be searching for her formula coupons. I want this so bad. But, God wanted her more. She must be pretty special. I cant wait to see her again.
I know I cant but .....I want to go back to these days:
Maddie 1 week old
Maddie 3 weeks old
59 comments:
I just wanted to say that I love you guys and pray that time gives you peace. One day stronger is true. Each day that you make it through...is another day closer to being with maddie.
time will prove to be your very best friend. A precious gift..... to we who grieve the loss of our precious children. still praying for you... everyday!!!
i checked your blog periodically throughout the day today.. this is the first time in a few days that your blog has really made me cry.. i know if my sadness is so intense sometimes.. my heart abaolutely aches for yours and James. More for yours sometimes because I am a mom too and your thoughts and feelings are so real. i think of you everyday. all my <3
Kellie this blog made me cry. I miss the "Maddie days" for you. Im sorry todays been hard. Im sorry all the days have been hard. I wish I could take your pain away. I know I tell you that every day and I cant but I wish I could. I love you friend. I love you very much!
Oh Kellie, I am so sorry. I wish that Maddie was still here. I pray that as each day goes by, you feel a little bit better and you feel stronger. I read your bog every day, and this one really got to me. God Bless you and your family.
Your posts really make me hurt for you. I think you should go to the store at night. Maybe around 8:00pm-10:00pm if possible. Most of the kids are going to be in bed at that time. This should make the process a little easier for now.
Your blog has really made me hugs my babies tighter, hold them a bit longer. My heart literally aches for you both. Again, I know nothing I say will make it easier, more fair. You have made it two weeks. We are all so proud of you both. Take everything at your own pace. Praying for you both. Hoping tomorrow is better.
After reading your bog today and the comments so far, we are all crying and very sad for you and with you. Every time I think of you and James my heart aches and I can't imagine the pain and sorrow you feel. All I can say is I am hoping and praying for your peace and for the days to come when memories of your sweet Maddie will make you smile more often than cry....thinking of you.
I wish for you too..to go back to the "Maddie days".When i read your posts,it breaks my heart♥ I too have lost a baby,(during pregnancy).All i can say is it takes time to heal♥ Your posts have soo much love for Maddie..We don't even know each other and I can tell you are such a good mom,wife,woman♥
sending you♥♥
from Canada♥
Praying for God to just give you what you need to get through each day! Yes, Maddie is so special to God, just as she is to you and James.
When we cannot understand the "whys", we have to just trust God all the more.
He is there for you. And so are all your friends and family. May you find comfort in knowing that so many care and love you so much.
Oh my heart just aches for you! I pray for you every night that you will be able to get through each day and all the first with JESUS holding on tight to you! I cry every time I come over here to read your blog! Maddie is a very special little girl who has the best mommy and daddy in the world and now she is your precious little angel who is with you every step of the way and is so proud of you and how you are coping and trying to get your photography business going! I loved the last pic in your last post with the M for Maddie that was so precious and so talented!
I am so glad the auction has went so well! I was able to get a zebra print bow holder to match Kelcee's room and now everytime I reach for a bow I will think of Maddie and pray for you!
Praying everyday
Summer
Praying for comfort and strength in the days ahead.... Much love...
I'm so sorry Kellie. I am praying for you & James. I believe Maddie is always with you, always watching over you. Time will not make things better, but you will learn how to live in your new "normal". You will hurt less often. It will take a long time. I wish I could hug you & cry with you. Your Maddie was such a beautiful little girl & your love for her is so great. Thank you for sharing your journey. I hope you can find some comfort this week. Be gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))
Your Maddie has changed my life. Thank you for sharing her with us. I pray daily for a healing heart for you and your family. I live in Michigan and she has touched my life. Thank you for that.
I'm so sorry for your hurthing heart. I understand the feelings you're having. The first time I went to the store after losing Gabriel I bawled through getting most of my groceries. I cried worse when I went down the diaper isle then remembered I didn't have to buy diapers anymore. It is so very very hard. I'm sending love and prayers for your comfort. You're absolutley right that Maddie was very special to be called home to her Father in Heaven. And you're a very special mom and dad to have been chosen to give her the life she needed her on earth.
I wish I could give you a hug. Everything you say, it's so familiar. It's hard to imagine we can go on without our babies. I remember the first time I walked into the grocery store without my daughter. I remember just staring at the empty front seat and wanting to throw up. It's not fair. I'm so sorry. Your daughter was so beautiful- she was obviously very loved and cherished.
Your getting better,your being strong..Its okay to have these days..Yesterday,i took a shower and used my husbands body wash,just so i can smell him,i know how u feel,and its okay..Stay strong..I know i always say clean,clean,clean..But you do what you can do..Time will heal you,but time will take its time..Sorry i missed your blogg yesterday,i attended a Tragedy Awarness seminar,it was amazing,and it helps..xoxox
Hugs, Kellie. I've been thinking of you every day. You've got so many people who love and care for you, I know this is so hard but you will get through it...
All mothers relate to you and hurt for you, 99% of us can't even comprehend what you are going through or even dare think about what it would feel like. Its the worst thing that could happen to anyone, but you are living through it with such strength (even though write you are not sometimes).
Any mother(most mothers)would give their life for their child, you would have swapped yours for Maddies in a second, but you didn't have that choice. From reading back in your blog, You loved her and cared for her, the most a mother could do. Maddie knew and knows this still.
I also feel with your skills in reaching out to people and the way you communicate. Your purpose was not meant for just school teaching. In time I believe you will be a source of strength for vunrable people and do a lot of good in this world.
sorry I am rambling, I haven't wrote (but read) on your blog for a couple of days.
I loved the photographs, especially the one with the M in the tube.
Xxx
Aww sweets... Everytime I read your posts I wish I could just come by your house and bring you coffee and we could just talk. My heart still breaks for you, even though we do not know each other you have taught me so many things.. like not taking life for granted, and enjoying the little things, and when life is stressful with a 6 month old.. you have taught me to sit back and enjoy it no matter what...
I have been thinking of you and praying for you. I know every day must be tough for you, but it will begin to get easier, with time you will feel more like yourself again.. you riwll never feel the same but you will feel better, and the pain will be easier to bear.
I wish there is something I could do for you... I would love to send flowers to you to brighten up your day.
I read your blog everyday & you hav such an emended amount of strength to make it through each day. Im sure having this blog is a great outlet for you to heal & express your emotions. I'm sure through this you will be used to help someone else. I am not strong enough to endure what you & James have had to losing maddie. On the days that you feel hopeless know that those are the days God is carrying you and you are not alone. I hav lost a baby (during pregnancy) & any loss of a child is lifechanging I wish life had a rewind button. I pray for you everyday & I'm sure all the prayers you've been getting from your support system is what is helping you get one day stronger! Hugs to you
I know what it's feels like when you want to fast forward time, to be past the grieving yet you dont want time to keep going by so fast because you feel like you are getting further and further away from the one you've lost. One day at a time is all you can do. You will be there, you will be soooo much stronger than you were before and Maddie will be with you every step of the way. You will be there and you will be happy again, the pain never goes away but does get watered down with time. I can't wait until the day I log onto your blog and read that you are pregnant, I think having a baby in your arms will help fill your empty arms as well as your empty heart once again. (((hugs)))
Kellie- I noticed your email is gone from the page. I wanted to email you a video that I made for you and James... I am a boutique owner that contributed to the Tiny Wings Auction and I have 5 children of my own.. Please send me an email lotsoflaughsboutique@yahoo.com so that I can send you the video...
Thank you,
Jill Armstrong
Lots of Laughs Boutique
My heart is reaching out to you. I read your posts and it makes my heart hurt for you and your husband. My prayers are with you and your husband as you two learn to pick up the pieces of your life and create your future. I can't imagine any of this will be easy and I know it will take time. But I wanted to share with you that I too am thinking and praying for God to heal your hearts and bring you and your husband peace and understanding of his plans...
Reading about your life has made me realize how short life is and i have started my own blog because of you. I don't want to miss a minute and forget. THANK YOU! also you are a strong woman and i pray for you every night before bed.
You are an Amazing woman of God! Your beauty is shining for everyone to see. Your life and is affecting so many other lives (mine included) I even have a few (non-blogger) facebook friends that know of you and your story. You completely amaze me and your story reminds me to always count every day as a blessing!
I have been reading your blog daily, and each time it brings me to tears. My daughter is 4 and at the age 3 on my husband and mines 4 year anniversary we was given the news that our daughter had cancer, I thought my world was coming to a end. But after reading your blog, I realize that I truly have no idea just how hard it could be. I know one thing for certain your little girl must be truly special for God to have taken her. You and your husband are strong, and God will help you through this. I pray for you both each day, and I hope things get a little easier for you both.
I read your blog daily and wanted to say that each time I cry I realize how strong of a person you are becoming each day! My heart goes out to you and your husband. Maddie was blessed to have you both and she still is because through your words and pictures, it shows how much she is still loved. My thoughts and prayers go out to you as I think of the strength you are building each day. God Bless!
Though I don't know you, I wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers each and every day. While no one can take away your pain, hopefully knowing that so many people are thinking of you and praying for you will bring you a bit of peace. Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience - your blog is a constant reminder of the fragility of life and has helped me embrace and cherish all the challenges of being a mom. Hugs :)
I am often in awe of God's plan and often so very confused by it. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and allow yourself to only look an hour ahead or even a minute ahead if need be. She will never leave you and your life story as you have told through your blog has impacted so many, including me. I am praying for yo.
Ive been reading your blog ever since you lost maddie and I just wanted to let you know that your still in our hearts and prayers.
Thank you for another post. I thought I was a good mom before reading your post, but your posts have made me even better. Thank you for showing me the importance of appreciating EVERY moment of my kid's life. Love & many, many prayers from S.D.
Kellie, I don't know you, but my heart aches for you. I cannot imagine the bravery and faith it takes to make it though each difficult day since your little angel went to be with her Heavenly Father. She is watching over you and will always be your guardian angel. You mentioned you and your husband having more children in the future....those future children are right now with your precious Maddie, and she is tilling her little brothers and sisters about the amazing parents they will all share. Those precious babies will comes straight from being with their big sister to being in your arms, when you are ready for them.
Still praying for you. I think about Maddie very often: at least once a day I think of her and my Leila playing together. I pray with all my heart that your pain will ease.
http://likemommade.blogspot.com
my husband went to iraq a few years ago and i was so scared of losing him, that i put a few of his things in plastic bags, to save his smell. it really works! pretty much the only way to save a smell!
I have been following your blog for a while now. Since your maddie went to Heaven and I saw it on facebook, I just wanted to let you know that you have someone elses praying for you guys. I cant even begin to fathom what you must be going thru...but your a strong women...im sorry this happened to you guys...but maddie is always with you guys. Love and prayers Lexi
Today seems like it was a particularly hard day on your journey. It may seem like things will never be the same; you may never think you'll be happy again or want to do anything ever again.. and perhaps now it's too soon to think about that day but one day it won't hurt so much. But today, my heart aches for you and I feel your pain keenly and wish there was a way I could alleviate your pain. You are in my thoughts and prayers (as is Maddie). Love and best wishes..
I just found your blog tonight from reading another blog Kelly's Korner.
I cannot fathom the pain you and your family are going through right now. I am truly sorry for your loss.
Your little angel has touched the lives of so many including myself so Thank You for sharing your story. Maddie is a beautiful princess. I will continue to pray for your family.
I'm totaly new to you blog, I saw it on FB from my friends. Your a strong woman and that's for sure, I've cried just reading threw your posts. Memories will always be there, and you will see her and be close to Maddie once again, when your time comes. She's now looking down on you and Daddy and wishing you both the best.
P.S.
YOUR pictures are amazing, I really do enjoy looking at them, looking forward to more.
I'm a photographer myself. Good work.
R.I.P
Maddie
Keep your head up.
I wish you could go back too!!!! But the only "button" we have control of is the START button. And you have pressed that one each day you get up. Each day you do something you don't feel like doing, you start. Start praying for peace, you will get that calm warm feeling come over you and you will endure yet another day and another....
Put Maddie's blanket in her room and it will smell like her again, (take something else from there until it does.)
Continue with your pictures even when you are so very sad...you will find peace there. and soon you will have peace for your hearts. Praying that happens soon!!
As always you are in my thoughts and in my prayers!! May you soon find comfort and peace for you hearts and soul! Much Love to you both! donna
call if you need to 530-521-9267
I think about you and your family everyday. Everytime I hear the song A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans I think of you. You are strong and in time this will get easier. I continue to pray for you all.
Love and Prayers,
Ashley
Don't ever wash those dirty clothes either! It was some of the best advice my Aunt got after losing her son. A friend told her to bag up his dirty clothes and not wash them and they held his smell for a long time. It was something she was glad she had!
So sorry today has been so hard...seems like the last couple of days have been such a challenge. Wish I could give you back your Maddie Days!!!!
Do you have a grocery store where you add things to your cart on line and then drive up and they bring everything to your car that you wanted? Lowes Foods in NC does this and I think it would take a lot of stress from grocery shopping off of you...still praying
Oh, Kellie, my heart just breaks for you. I know you want to go back--I can't imagine how much you must want to go back--but you and James and ALL of us who know your story are better for the short time little Maddie was here with us on earth! She makes us love deeper and care more than we ever could without her! Her purpose is so much grander than ours, and we have to be SO thankful that God sent her to make us better than we ever thought we could be! Hang in there, and don't stop thinking of the wonderful things Maddie brought to this world and is still bringing to this world!!!
Kellie,
I continue to pray for you and your family as you work on your new normal. I don't know you, but I find myself thinking about you very often each day, and I want to do something to help you. I sent you an e-mail to your personal e-mail address when you had it posted. I hope you are able to find it and one day get the opportunity to respond.
Thinking of you,
Jessica
Grief are like waves in the ocean as the feelings roll in & out sometimes feeling overwhelming. You are doing great but some days you might want to not even get out of bed and that's ok too. I think you will come to realize tackling some of these things that are painful & very hard will help you find a "new life" sooner. Although I will always have my sad moments & things that hit me re our loss I also saw that those that chose to hide from hard painful things in life were never able to find any joy again in life which is truly sad as hard as it is to believe now you WILL smile & laugh once again and looking back at the many wonderful pictures & memories of Maddie WILL bring your more joy than heartache one day :) Amy
I wish all the same things for you that you wish for yourself. Still thinking of you & your husband.
Hugs...constant hugs for you & your husband. Your family is in my constant prayers.
You don't know me, my name is Sharon and I have a little girl who is 7.5 months old. I have cried over your blog and my heart aches for you. I jsut want you to know your story has touched so many lives and my daughter is loved and hugged and appreciated even more because of you. We talk to God and night and ask him to watch over you and hold you tight. Maddie is a very lucky little girl to have you as her parents.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. I can not imagine your pain but I hope you can find comfort in knowing God is with you and hears your crys everyday. I found your blog through Kellys Korner
I also follow another moms blog that lost her baby boy the exact sameway you lost your sweet baby. Maybe you can read her blog and connect with her. She has amazing words and has been through what you are going through not to mention such a godly woman. I will leave her blog address so you can check it out.Again my prayers are with you. Hugs from Montgomery, Alabama.
Thejonesfamily52009.blogspot.com
I pray for you and your husband's strength everyday. It takes an amazing person to overcome such a tragedy. Everyday praying for you!
my heart aches for you... i couldn't even imagine, though i know that it's all about God's perfect will and in His perfect timing! Just know that your story and Maddie's life has touched so many people... I had my son in 2006 and miscarried at 6 weeks in 2007 and was blessed with my little girl in 2010. we just have to have faith that the big man upstairs knows what He's doing. hang in there kellie - i'm praying for you as well! :)
Though I do not know you, I wanted you to know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers constantly. You have made me realize how much we all take for granted on a daily basis. You have reminded me to cherish every moment we have with one another. Know that you are not alone and have so many people thinking and praying for you daily.
Dear Kellie and James,
I found your blog via an aution for your dear baby girl Maddie. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful daughter. My heart hurts for you and your entire family. Reading your blogs in one day has honestly changed me as a person and a mother. I want you to know that there will not be a single day that goes by that I don't think about Maddie, you, and your family. I will pray for you everyday for the rest of my life. I truly hope that with time it gets a little easier. Nothing I say will help, but try to remember that Maddie will always live on in your hearts. Praying for you always! <3
Kellie - I don't know you in person, but I want you to know that I think of you, Maddie and James every single day... several times per day. I can't even imagine the pain that you must feel in the loss of Maddie, but I hope that knowing how many people are there for you during this time brings you some comfort. Hang in there, you are so strong!
Its Monday,just checking in and seeing how your doing?Noticed no bloggs today,hope your feeling better sending big xoxoxoxo"s...Bella is so darn cute
gen
I think of you every day and pray for peace and healing. You and your husband, and your entire family, are in our prayers.
I'm so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful Maddie. I hope that you and your husband find yourselves surrounded by love at this time. I know it's impossibly hard. Remember that you're not alone in this.
a friend of mine here in georgia just lost her 3 week old boy few days ago. he was born at 28 weeks and led a courageous fight until he was called home Feb 24.
both my friend and you kellie (who i dont know unfortunately) have proven to be the strongest women that have come into my life. I've been watching both trajedies of your lives and you both have unfaultering strength that only God can provide.
My friend make an excellent post and summed it up by saying how "honored she felt because God chose HER to be that little champions mom. and now Kellie - you are the mother God chose for your princess. Hold your head high! you have love and support from far away places... i know there are 2 little angels up there having a blast...playing at the feet of Jesus
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