Today has been one of the hardest day so far….
I woke up tired. I could hardly sleep last night. I felt like it was my first day of teaching all over again. I was nervous. What were the kids going to say? They are only 5, they don’t know any better. Am I going to be able to answer their questions without crying?
I got dressed. I talked to Maddie the whole time. I asked her to please be with me today. Give me the strength to do this. She was there I know it. I could feel her. I was fine getting dressed and talking to Maddie. For some reason I feel good at home. I feel like she is always there, its when I leave that I get sad.
I put off leaving as long as I could. I didn’t want to leave. I love love love my job, but it is very stressful. I cant handle stressful right now. Before I left, I walked into Maddie’s room and talked to her. I didn’t stay long. I didn’t want to start crying. I got my lunch, purse and make up (I knew I would need it) and got into my car. I sat there for a minute. I knew I had to go. I put my car into reverse, took a deep breath and started to back out of the garage. I was doing it.
My work is 45 minutes from my house. It was a long drive. Today it seemed longer then usual. There is a part in my drive where I “used to” turn left to go to the babysitters. I wanted to turn left so bad. My hands were trying to turn left, but I kept thinking..”no don’t turn”. At that moment I looked into my mirror and thought, “She isn’t here…”. So, I kept on driving with tears streaming down my face. Why can’t I turn left. This just isn’t fair. This just isn’t fair.
When I got to work I was frozen. I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to get out of the car. I knew the longer I stayed in my car the harder it would be to get out. So, I just did it. I got out. I am sure I looked like a total mess. I was crying, crying hard…snot included (TMI). My mom and teaching partner were in my classroom waiting for me. They asked if I was ok and I couldn’t even answer.
I cried almost all morning long. I had to stop when the kids got here. They greeted me with long hugs and “I missed you’s”. At that moment I was glad to be back.
After the kids got to school my partner and I teach math together (god bless her-she does most of it). When I brought my kids over to her room one of her darling asked me 2 times, “How did your daughter die?. The first time I just ignored her. The second time I had to get up and leave. I was going to loose it in the middle of class. I know she didn’t mean any harm. She is just 5 and doesn’t know any better. But, it hurt to hear those words.
It has been hard tho. I cant think straight. I kinda just wonder around my classroom and try to figure out what I am supposed to be doing. Hopefully I can get through tomorrow and have Spring Break week off.
I am half way through my day. It is my planning time and we have 2 more hours of school left. I CAN do this!! Its going to be hard when we leave. I am going to want to go pick Maddie up, but my car cant drive to Heaven. Oh how I wish it could!
Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers today. I felt them and they have held me together through most of the day.
111 comments:
You are such a strong person. I could never be so brave. So very sorry for your loss. I have thought about you and your husband everyday since I read your blog. You have made me think about my 3 little babies and cherish the little moments....Never know what the future will bring. God bless. You are in my prayers
You are very brave. You faced the day head on. Now hurry home to feel that warm feeling of Maddie in your home. I'm sure she can't wait to hear about your day.
Hang in there Kellie! Maddie would be so proud of you facing today head on!!
A big hug.
You are so brave and strong Kellie! I know you think you aren't doing a good job, but in reality most people couldn't have even gotten out of bed today! You are doing what you have to do for yourself, James, Maddie, and the future of your family. It will get a little bit easier every day.
You never cease to amaze me girl! Hugs and kisses...
Oh, friend… you are on my heart and in my thoughts today!!!!
The world is proud of you. Relish in the thought that Maddie is proud of you too.
Chin up, buttercup.
Oh Kellie... You dont know me and I dont know you, but I am praying so hard for you. I have thought about you so much because I have been thinking about this time last year. When it was so fresh to me. It was so raw. It JUST happened. That empty- that pain- that hurt. Not one can explain. Your arms physically hurt. They are heavy for whats missing. My Makenzie was the same age as Maddie. They are so young. I am still so scared. To face this world without her. I cant do it. She is my reason. How can I live another moment without her? I am praying for you. I wish I could give advice but the best advice I could give is to keep praying. Keep talking to your baby. If you ever need to talk. Im here every day. Just to vent. Just to have someone who knows this pain. Someone who will never think you shouldnt feel this way! I love you.
livingformrw@hotmail.com
Kellie, I'm so sorry for your loss. Maddie was beautiful and I can tell she is so loved. Hang in there!
I am praying everyday for you. Trying to get back into the swing of life, and being YOU again will be tough, God is on your side. Big hugs <3
Stopping what I am doing to pray for you NOW. I will pray hard for you when school since you said that will be a hard time.
Try not to even focus on the day, just one step at a time! Your day is almost done! :)
Hugs and prayers!!!
Oh honey you are a saint! When I was teaching my kids would drive me to the brink of tears on just normal days. They have no idea how lucky they are to have you.
(((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))
It's okay to cry and be sad and every one around you seems so supportive. I'm still praying for you both *hugs*
The prayers never stop for you sweetie! I can't even begin to imagine the pain but even though you might not think so ... YOU ARE STRONG!
*hugs* I have been following your blog for awhile now. You are in my thoughts and prayers every single day! You are a stronger woman than I could ever be. God Bless you!
I just wanted to tell you that your going to have good days and bad. I burried my 4th child alittle over a year ago, and I can say that the day he did, the core of who I was changed.
Its not fair and no parent should ever have to out live their child or even burry them for that matter. And your right, they shouldnt make caskets that small, I have 4 of them, in one plot.
Just remember to take it second by second, and let yourself feel. Your in my prayers. I hate being called "strong" I am not, I am a woman that has learned to move forward, when I dont want to. ((hugs))
You're doing it. Just keep going, keep pushing through and you will do it. One day at a time. Maddie is watching and is SO proud.
Love and Prayers are going your way....
You can do this! You ARE doing this! You are so strong, even though sometimes you may feel like you're not. Maddie is so proud of you, you know.
Have a good afternoon with your students. I'll be praying for you!
You are so brave! Be proud of yourself for making it thru today. I can only imagine how painful it must have been for you. I wanted to tell you as a younger sibling of an older brother who passed when he was 3 months old, it is so awesome you have so many pictures of Maddie. To my knowledge, my parents only have a few pictures of my brother Kevin. Back in the 60's when he was born, they did not take many pictures and of course the quality was not good. Her future siblings will be so glad and thankful that you were able to take so many beautiful pictures of their big sister! I hope that soon perhaps you can scrap book those pictures and protect them so when they get to be my age, they can look back at them and see what she looked like. Lots of love!! Always thinking of you!
I just hate that you don't get to pick her up today... I just hate this all so much for you. I am in awe of your grace and strength.
You and Maddie are in my thoughts every single day.
Today is a hard day, tomorrow will be hard, it will be hard for a long time but I pray that Maddie continues to give you strength and as each day goes on you get stronger and stronger. The kids are young, but they will help you heal. Continuing to pray for you and your family!
Kellie,
I haven't left you a comment but I have sent you a few emails. Hopefully you have read them and know that I, too, have been praying for you!
Thinking of you today.
-Chas
Praying for you! Stay strong..you can do it! Don't forget Maddie is with you and so is our wonderful father in heaven!
I'm still praying for you, James and for your Mom, I can tell she was close to Maddie and I'm sure her heart is just as broken as yours. One step at a time, one day at a time, is all you can do. Thank you for sharing your sweet Maddie and this difficult journey with us, it reminds us all we are here on borrowed time and tomorrow is not promised, I hug my kids a little tighter because of your story, thank you for that!! (((hugs)))
Sending lots of prayers your way.
Kellie, You do not know me and I do not know you but I can across your blag about a week ago & I've been following your story since. I know of this site that you may fall in love with: http://www.agoodgrief.com/
I just wanted to share this information with you.
God Bless
Kelly T
You are an amazingly strong person, I am so proud of you for holding yourself together so well. It is going to be difficult but you will win this battle! I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers for strength to continue to come your way!
xoxo
Kelli @ loveoursimplelife.blogspot.com
You are doing as well as anyone possibly could. You are so strong, so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are in my thoughts, every day.
I know that words can't heal your heart. In fact, I don't think it's possible to completely heal from something so tragic. Your loss is terrible and I'm so very sorry you're having to go through it. No parent should have to. But from reading your blog, you and your husband sound like the ideal parents. Continue in your strength mama and bask in "presence" of Maddie. She is hearing you. I think it's fantastic you talk to her, sing to her and feel her in your home. I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there mama.
I am so sorry for you loss! I know words can't help you but just know that God is taking care of her up in heaven and she is watching over you. I can't imagine what you are going through. You have done so well coping with such a tragic loss! Your strength amazes me! I don't think I would be as strong as you are. Try to keep your head up and know that there are a TON of people out there praying for you and keeping you and your husband in their thoughts. I have been praying for you to find peace some how, some way!
Kellie, you are one of the strongest people I know. I can hardly read your blog each day without fighting back tears. There's always a lump in my throat when you talk about talking with Maddie. I know she is there with you as well. My brother lost his daughter when she was only 18 months old. He has never been the same since and it's been over 20 years. I wish back then they had blogs and the social media communities that they do now. I think he would have been able to grieve and get the support he needed. Please keep blogging and talking about your feelings and thoughts. It's one of the best ways to deal with this type of pain. You have been added to my list of heros and I only wish to be as strong as you if I ever need to be. (((Hugs)))
My daughter was 5 when our baby passed away, so I understand how hard it is to talk about it with kindergardeners :(
One thing our counselor reminded us is that 5 year olds still have "magical thinking". Death is not a concrete concept for them, they will ask over and over if the baby is still in Heaven, when they will come back, etc.
It was a bit easier for me, I only had one and I loved her very much :) It's OK for you to cry, they will probably even try to cheer you up - especially the boys! The girls may cry with you and draw you great pictures, but the boys. Oh they are so sweet, they are likely to clown and be silly, tell you jokes and draw you fun pictures!
My son did that every time he saw me down.
You are doing great, you are stronger than you think you are (even though you probably wonder if it's true) HUGS
Kellie you are such a strong woman. I so look up to you as a woman and a mother. You have overcome so much in the past month only to make you stronger. I think about you every night and hope you are doing better. I thank you for the bottom of my heart for sharing your story. You and your family are in my prayers nightly.
Keep your head held high hun - you are doing a great job!!! You are so brave and strong..... I admire you so much!!! I'm sending positive thoughts your way today!!!
Ohh I hurt for you so much and so inspired from you as well. I know you doon't want to be inspiring because of what you are going through but please knowwe are ALL praying for your strength and peace!
Praying for you. God is there for you and I know he will bring you through this
You are strong!! As a teacher, remember that everything is a teachable moment. If you can't handle it all on your own, maybe your teaching partner can walk them through how they should behave for you. What sorts of things can you say to a person who is grieving? They need some coaching and some role play. Maybe you could read a book together about grief. Kids are also naturally curious with a lot of questions -- did your teaching partner say anything to them? It might be best, if they could get all their questions out to her, and get some answers, so you don't have to field them.
peace to you,
-A fellow teacher
Bless your heart. I was a teacher too for several years, and it is such a stressful job even without anything else going on in your life. I'm so sorry you had a hard first day back. Even though we don't know each other personally, please know my family thinks about you and your family and checks the blog often to see how you are doing. We will continue praying for you.
My heart aches for you. I have no magical words to make the pain any less. I am just praying. That's all I know to do.
Hang in there, Kellie... you ARE so STRONG!!! You're a fighter. Thinking of you and sending you thoughts and prayers.
I just found you blog. My heart aches for you. I know things are unbearably hard right now. Something amazing must be on the horizon for you, for being such a strong person to get through this.
Kellie, I've wanted to write you for a while. I usually don't wear bows, but I hapeened to wear a bow in my hair the day of Maddie's funeral.
You are so strong and brave. I know this is so very hard. I lost my daughter 4 years ago, she was stillborn. If you'd like to talk, contact me.
I am praying for you today.
The day is almost over only 15 more minutes. It was so nice to have you here today. We have all missed you very much. You are in my prayers and I am here for you. You are so strong!!!!!
Oh Kellie, I am so sad that you had a rough first day back. I thought so much about you today that I linked people to your blog today from my blog so that you would have a lot of thoughts on your side- I don't have many followers but awesome people were thinking of you today. You are so brave, so sweet, and so kind. Hopefully the innocence of your 5 year olds will really help you heal. I hope you have a better day tomorrow and I hope spring break gives you time to relax and heal more. If you ever need anything please do not hesitate to contact me- I know you hear that a lot but I am 100% serious, I would drop anything anytime to give you hand. PS I LOVE LOVE LOVE the name blocks- so pretty! Take care of you, Kellie. Big big hugs!
I read your blog daily and have for 2 1/2 weeks now. I have never commented because what can I say? What can anyone say? I have a 3 yr old little girl and my husband and I decided it was time for her to have a brother or a sister so we started trying in 2009. I carried our 2nd child for 32 weeks and she stopped moving. When I went to the hospital they induced me and I gave birth to an angel. She was beautiful and God loved her so much he decided to keep her for Heaven to enjoy. I didnt hold her everyday and feed her and dress her up and see her smile but she still was such a huge part of my life already. I didnt know what I was going to do. I didnt know how I was going to put one foot in front of the other day after day. I didnt even want to get out of the bed. I had my 3 yr old asking daily about "her baby". Why wasnt she in my tummy anymore, why didnt she come home with us. I never could say anything except that Jesus needed her more. As we all know, people greave in different ways. My way was to have another baby. My Mom, my husband, my friends, they all thought I was crazy...it was too soon. For me..it wasnt. I felt cheated, lonely, empty. Like a failure in some way. So I did just that, I got pregnant. I was sooo scared everyday. I would count movements, I would call the dr. with some lame excuse just so I could go in and get a sonogram or hear the heartbeat. I now have a 2 month old baby boy that I love and cherish with ALL of my heart. I LOVE to get up 3 or 4 times a night to change his diaper and feed him. My heart is full of love and still so heavy at the same time. Why me? Why you? Why our beautiful baby girls? I think God knows just how much we love babies, so he kept the best ones so that when we get to Heaven, our girls will be there for us to hold in our arms for all eternity. How wonderful does that sound? To know that when we get to see them again, it will be for eternity! Nothing will ever take them away from us again. Im embracing my life on earth and learning everyday (mostly through your blog) how to be a stronger woman and better Mommy so that I will be the best Mommy for my angel when I get to Heaven. I dont know you personally Kellie, but I love you and Maddie and know that you are such a strong and amaizing Mommy. Maddie will still be that tiny sweet baby girl when you get to Heaven and youll never have to let her go again. It helps me to think like that....if nothing else, maybe your smiling right now!
You are right- this is not fair! I am praying for you and your family today and always.
Praying for you!! Hold that head up high & ask God to help you through these hard days. (((((HUGS))))
Kellie, I thought about you all day long. I couldn't even concentrate on my job! I wish you weren't going through this, but you are. You are! You are seriously the strongest person that I know! I have told you this before, but I will tell you again, you are such an inspiration to so many people. You have made me want to be as strong as you. You have made me appreciate everything so much more. And when I feel like throwing my hands up and getting down, I think of you. And if you can do what you are doing and get though it, then I know that I can. God Bless you Kellie.
Hold on tight. Continue to stay strong! A big hug and you are in my prayers.
Hugs and prayers, can't say anymore, nothing more will help.
I have been thinking about you ever since I found your blog on the page of a friend. I am so sorry for your loss! I think you are such a strong woman and that you will be able to get through this. Although I have never met you before I feel connected to you eventhough I have no kids and can not even imagine what you are going through. I can't explain it I just do. I pray for you and your family daily. I am sure Maddie is just waiting to hear about your day and I am sure that she is so proud of you!
I read your blog daily! I, too have a Madisyn who was born this October. You and your family are on my mind and heart everyday. I know that Maddie is proud of you not just today, but everyday.
You are so strong...as teaching preschool myself, I know that kids just dont understand. After my miscarriages, my kids would ask me everyday why my babies died. It was SO hard, but God got me through it. Hang in there, big hugs to you :)
You did it....as much as it was a struggle you did it!! One day at a time...maybe 1 hour at a time, minutes?? I am so very proud of you...Maddie is there with you, even in the car, and He is at your side too! He will never leave you, and your faith and your beliefs will get you through...
Prayers, prayers and more prayers...Linda
Kellie,
I have been thinking about you and praying for you all day. I prayed that you would have the strength to make it through the day. I know it has to be so hard on you right now but you are being such a strong person. I pray that tomorrow is better for you. I know Maddie was there with you all day and smiling down on you and your class.
Love in Christ,
Crystal
Kellie, I thought about you all day and how hard it must have been. As hard as it must have been to avoid turning left this morning, God & Maddie were there watching over you. I can't even imagine what you're going through and being around children at this time must be so heartbreaking. You are so strong and amazing each day and I have no doubt you will get through this. Be brave, be strong, there are so many people watching over you. Continued prayers
~Amanda
You made it through the day Kellie. That's all that matters. If you did it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
Big hugs to you my dear on a very tough day. I think of you always and am sending all of the strength I have to you.
I some how ran into this on FB, I dont know how, but I do know God will lead us to many things we may not know how we got there, and this blog is one of them, I have cried since I started reading it, not but about 30 mins ago. You are in my prayers, and I will cont to remember you and your family in them also.
Kellie, If you need to cry, CRY....cry all you want for as long as you want. What happened was horrible and VERY SAD and you didn't deserve it, its just life and it sucks. You do whatever you need to do to get by, there is no right or wrong. Who cares what anyone thinks or says. Time will make the pain lessen and change in a different way, you will make it , you are strong and you have to believe God choose you and Madison for a reason. I'm saying this because I know first hand. --Rachel
Kellie - I have been following your blog for the past couple of weeks and I pray each day for you and your family to find strength in all this. I have linked you to my own blog and to my facebook account to bring you more attention for more prayers because Lord knows you need all the prayers you can possibly get right now. So many people love and support you... what a blessing that is. Please stay strong and know that your little precious girl is constantly looking over you. What a beautiful angel you have. You will continue to be in my thoughts & prayers...
I'm sorry today was hard. I'm sorry you have to go through this. You have so much courage, you have inspired so many people. Still thinking of you all the time...
I know today had to of been so hard for you. You did great. Maddie is proud of you! You are brave! I think of you and Maddie often. Today I thought of Maddie as I put a bow in Hope's hair. I told her she is wearing it for Maddie!
Kellie...First of all you are an amazing and strong person..I'm 25 years old and I too lost my daughter almost 5 years ago.She was 7 months old.It's the most horrific time I have ever been through and hate that other parents out there like you,have to go through this..Time is the only answer,time will be your best friend..We have a 3 year old daughter now and know that Kamdyn watches over her baby sister..Please if you ever need anyone to talk to let me know.I know nothing at this time helps.I hope tomorrow is a little easier for you..Prayers,Cari Rose
Kellie-
You don't know me. I stumbled across your blog when I was looking at a friend's. I am a teacher too, and I have a daughter too. I CAN'T fathom the hurt and loss you and your husband are going through. I don't usually comment on blogs, but I just kept reading and reading. I commit to praying for your family during this time. I would have worn a bow for Madison if I had known, and I would have put one on my daughter as well. You are an inspiration, and I can see from your blog you are an awesome mother, wife, and teacher. I feel like God is telling me to tell you that you will have more children and it will not take as long to conceive as it did with your precious girl. Like I said, I never comment and I stumbled upon your blog, but something told me to write. I don't think I will ever be able to put a big bow on my daughter without thinking about your sweet Madison. Sincerely, Chelsie
Kellie - I agree with the previous poster. You have touched so many lives with this story, and I will NEVER be able to look at bows without thinking of Maddie. What an incredible legacy your little angel has left to so many....AND she has inspired such a rush of interest in your new business venture! Those blocks are amazing....I am just sad that I didn't see the list yesterday when I wrote you about how I wanted some! Now I am 119 names down the list! :) You deserve all the success in the world, and Maddie is so very proud of you today and always!!! Love you and sending you another HUGE virtual hug! James too!
((HUGS)) many ((HUGS))
I hope the rest of your day was okay. I thought about you today. How smart to go back for two days and then have a week off. I did the same thing. I went for one week and then it was Thanksgiving break. I know our situations are not the same. You got to spend time with your child and create memories and I did not. The one thing we have in common is that I did have to burry my child and try to pick up the pieces of my life. I am praying God's peace and grace over your life.
I found your blog through Kelly's Korner. My heart aches for you and I cannot even imagine what you and your husband are going through. I wanted to suggest a blog for you guys to check out. I don't know if you have read it or not, but this couple lost their twins in a drowning accident and have had a couple miscarriages along the way. Their blog follows their grief and she talks about good and bad days. I hope you can find some peace by reading another mother's story and feel like you are not alone in this unforeseen journey of life with out your baby.
Check it out if you feel inspired to! http://ramerbunch.blogspot.com
Much love to you guys and please keep expressing your true feelings here! I wish for even just one hour I could take your pain and bare it for you. My God show you His plan and fill you with peace.
I wrote yo a few weeks ago. Words cant explain how sorry I feel for you. You have to be a really strong person to go back and teach. (esp. Kindergarten...I know this since I taught it last year.) Very stressful!! Im proud that your going back to work. Just remember when your down that your students need you there!!
You are such a wonderful teacher and such a strong woman. I cant even imagine a little bit of what you are going through. I have been reading your blog everyday and I just kiss Jadyn and Jordyn a little bit more every day. You are so strong and poitive. I think you have opened a lot of peoples eyes and hearts. As soon as I picked up Jadyn she had such a big smile on her face. I asked her why are you so happy today and she told me "Mrs. Staats is back!!!" She has been asking and anticipating your return :) I have been praying for you and your husband everyday but especially last night and this morning for you. Like you said 5 yr olds dont understand what you are going through but you are touching so many lives through sharing your blogs everyday and teaching those precious babies. God bless you, your husband and Maddi and you are in my prayers <3 Nathoisia
you have done the first day Kellie, that surely is the hardest part. Just another day and then a week off. You are so strong, but if you feel you need to cry, don't hold it back, take a moment. The need to cry always worst when you are holding it back Xxx
I don't know you, but I've been following your blog and I pray for you daily. God Bless you.
-Heidi
Oh Kellie! Honey my heart breaks for you. It's been 6 weeks tomorrow since my Leila passed away and I still haven't returned to work. I too am a teacher, but I just can't do it anymore. I am scared to be away from my 2 year old for even a second.
You ARE a strong woman. You have such a terrific and loving spirit and everyone who reads your posts can see that. I don't even know you but I KNOW that you are one of the strongest women I have ever "met". I pray for you constantly.
Prayers from California,
Virginia
(from one Mommy of an Angel to another)
http://likemommade.blogspot.com
thinking of you sweet girl. you have constantly been on my mind and in my prayers. miss maddie is watching you, and she knows what a strong momma she has. xoxo
Thinking about you and praying for you. You are so important to your students and they are so lucky to have you.
Hi Kellie. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I do not have children of my own and can't imagine your pain. I read your blog every day and am keeping you, your husband and sweet Maddie in my thoughts and prayers. Your blog is a great form of therapy for you. Sometimes it helps to express your feelings in writing and I hope and pray that this blog helps you. I live in Michigan and we send love and prayers your way.
Karen
I am hoping tomorrow is a little easier for you. Just know that Maddie is with you everywhere you go. You are so strong, stronger than you think!! Praying for you.
You have touched my heart. I pray for strength and peace for you. You deserve it.
You ARE strong. You are strong for going back to work. You are strong to keep moving on. Don't think that you aren't. You aren't moving on without Maddie because you know she will always be there with you. My heart goes out to you in this difficult time. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I have been following your blog for a few weeks now after reading about it on a friends facebook. I just want to tell you that you are truley an inspiration to me! Maddie is an angel and reading what you're going thru everyday has made me more thankful for my little boy! It has given me more patience with him (he's starting the terrible 2's) and made me hug him a little tighter and snuggle a little longer. I have read other people writing the same. You and Maddie have made me a better Momma! I am thankful for that. You 3 are in my thoughts and prayers everyday!! Big ((HUGS))!!!
Kellie - you don't know me - I am praying for you. I too am a teacher and I feel your pain when I read about your return to school - it is impossible to turn our lives off when we have to be there and teach! I will pray for you each day! I wish I had some magic words to make this all go away for you...but you are strong and you have a STRONGER God. God Bless you all!
I heard a song the other day as I was driving to class it is by Sara Evens and the title is a little bit stronger. When it came on I thought of you. In the song she says even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger. (I think the song is about her boyfriend and her braking up but there are a lot of parts that I think would work for you in your case) you are an amazing woman and I know it hurts but you can and will do this. I still pray for you every day and thank of you and your family often.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I am amazed by you and the stength your have shown. You family is in my thoughts.
Hugs...
huge hugs.
Kellie- I am simply amazed by how brave you are! I know I have said it before, and I know that I don't know you (although I wish I had someone like you in my life), you are such an inspiration. Keep taking these steps forward and always know that Maddie is with you along the way! <3 Big huggs and strong prayers for an a little easier day tomorrow!
I knew today would be hard on you...I also knew that you WOULD get through the day. I thought of you often today, your getting up and getting ready for work, and not having Maddie to get ready, not having to drop her off, and not picking her up...my heart cried for you and I sent MANY prayers of strength to you today. I somehow KNEW also that you would get asked THE question...the one you simply do not want to answer out loud...you don't have to either until you are ready...I am glad you had such great support for you at work. Now your first day back is over and you can lean on James for support and he can lean on you.
Tomorrow will not be quite as hard, for you will know what to expect and you will be better prepared for feelings NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO FEEL!!! It TRUELY IS NOT FAIR!!!
I think the reason you feel better at home is because that is where Maddie was with you last...you left with her like any "normal" day and we all know what happened later on....
Tomorrow You will be upmost n my thoughts and again I will be sending you prayers of strength. One day Kellie...one day at a time.. or one moment at a time...and you will get used to your "new" normal. I hope that you both will find the comfort that you are seeking right now so that you can have peace in your hearts...That peace WILL come...As always you are in my thoughts and in my prayers!! Much love to you both!!
donna from california
Kellie, I commented earlier, but I just have to share something with you. I reread your entry for today and just now noticed the part about the little girl asking how Maddie died. About a week or less after Leila died I went to a coffee shop with Landon to get "out" for a bit. A 5 or 6 year old girl and her mom were there. I know the mom because our husband's work together and the little girl had made us a card after Leila died. Well the mom asked if I got the card okay, I started to respond yes but before I could the little girl looked up with her sweet, innocent, wide eyes and said "Their baby DIED! It's SO sad." I blinked back tears. I realized she didn't know that I was the woman "who's baby had died"... I felt like that was all I would ever be. It stung like lemon juice on a wound.
Even though Leila passed only a couple weeks before Maddie, I have to say that I have hit a different point in the road (a few times... it's been up and down). Sometimes I WANT people to ask just so I can talk about her. I want to describe her tiny fingers and toes in detail to anyone who will listen. It may hurt to mention her name right now, and it always will (I have been a bawling mess all day), but hopefully you will eventually get to a point where talking about her can bring you a bit of joy, though may still be difficult.
I pray about you every single day. I hope you know how much you are in my prayers.
Virginia
http://likemommade.blogspot.com
Oh Kellie, my heart breaks for you! Sending you loving thoughts and prayers.
thinking of you, thank you for sharing- love from Austin, TX
I'm sorry today was so hard :o( I'll be praying for your strength today and for you to feel Maddie, even when you are at school! You are so brave and strong!!! Many hugs and much love from Florida <3
Jen
You are so strong. Now that you've gotten through that first day back, you know that you can do it. You will have bad days and days that are better, but you CAN do this! I think about you every single day. Every day, you inspire me.
http://funnylittlepollywogs.com
i dont even know what to say except for YOU ARE THE STRONGEST PERSON I KNOW! keep your head up! your beautiful angel maddie is in heaven looking down on you everyday! she is probably telling everyone up there to LOOK at MY MOMMY!
Awe this breaks my heart! But it sounds like you are being really strong!
I know that I don't know you, but please know that I have been praying for you, your husband, and your family daily. I pray for God to give you comfort, bring peace to your heart, and to give you strength and courage to make it through each day. I also pray that he will bless your family with another child when the time is right. You and your husband have so much love to give and any child would be blessed to call you their parents, just as Maddie was. It is so clear how much you loved her and I know that she knew that as well.
I pray your days get easier. I am so blessed to be a mommy to a sweet little 1 year old girl and I want you to know that at least once every day, I hug her so tightly while thinking of your sweet Maddie. Maddie has touched the lives of many, including me, and maybe that was her purpose in life. She was God's little messenger and now, he has called her home. I believe that Jesus has a rocking chair and that each and every day, he is rocking your Maddie. One glorious day, you 3 will be reunited in Heaven. God bless and you will continue to be in our prayers.
Leslie, Chris, and Adeline
I was thinking about you, and wondered how you did going back to work. I'm glad you did ok. I pray that it gets a little easier for you every day! <3
I 100% agree - you are brave! braver than I think I could ever be. You are always on my mind and in my heart. Thinking of you always and praying for you! Maddie is proud of her awesome mom!
I have been reading since a friend of mine told me what happened and I cannot express how much pain I feel for you and your husband. I could never imagine being in your shoes. I have two girls of my own and your words strike a cord with me because I know I would feel the same way. Your honesty in your writing is amazing. I wish I could take your hurt away and I wish so badly I could do something for you or something for Maddie. Your story has greatly impacted my life. I think about your family everyday. My youngest daughter is only 2 weeks older than your baby and when I read your blog for the first time and told my husband about it I just cried. I am so sorry for your loss sweetie. You have the most beautiful little angel watching over you now. Praying for you.
I continue to hold you and your husband up in prayer! My heart breaks for y'all everytime I read your blog. Know that there are prayers going up for you continually!
You are an incredible woman! I've never met you but I think about you a lot. Hope each day is somewhat easier for you. Another day stronger, indeed.
Kellie. I just wanted to tell you that I have followed your blog for a while now, and read it daily. You are being so strong, and I am praying for you and your family! I stayed up for 3 hours 2 nights ago, and went back and started your blog from the very beginning. And believe it or not, you have changed me as a mother! So Thank you for that, and be strong, Maddie will take care of you as she watches from heaven. Hugs to you!
I recently found your blog and read your story. I've thought about your many times over the past few days and can't imagine what you're going through. I know you don't know me, but you and your husband have/are in my prayers.
Your doing better,its okay,to get sad and wlak away..Grief,sneaks up when u least expect it..Maybe have the Vive Principal,or school councelor come in,and talk to the kids about bringing up the baby to you..There just kids and dont understand,but u do,and it hurts you,so maybe having a nice little talk with all students will help..I talked to my kids,and asked them not to talk about Marty to me,and they do and dont understand,but they know it makes mommy hurt..Just a thought..I just balled my eyes out to my husband,im wishing he was here so bad today,but it is what it is..If you come across any cars that drive to heaven,hit me up!Big xoxoxo's ill wait for your new post today and comment..stay strong sweetie..
I hope and pray that today was a little easier to face and get through that yesterday was.
I know that you must be as wonderful with the children in your classroom as you were with precious Maddie--just keep reminding yourself that you are a blessing to them and even if they don't understand exactly what has happened or why you may cry, they love you and will accept whatever explanation you or someone else offers them. Don't feel you have to hold back on your grief. Kids are so smart and understand so much, and they can be a part of your healing. I am still praying for strength, peace and healing for you and James.
May God continue to bless you both.
Maddie would be so proud of you! Hang in there Kellie! Keeping you in my prayers!
<3 Mary
1st I am so sorry to have gotten to your blog because of Maddie's death.
I wanted to comment today about your reflection on being a little more "ok" while at home because you felt like she was there. I wanted to share what my friend commented after her husband's death. She said it was always easier for her and the kids to live just at the house instead of leaving because leaving present more triggers than they could prepare for. Even now, almost 2 years later, it can sometimes sneak up on them, although much less often. I think it is totally normal what you are going through to feel more comfortable at home and I know you don't need to hear that from me, a total stranger, but I wanted to encourage you. prayers and love sent from the interwebs.
allison
Post a Comment