This week at my support group meeting the ladies in my group told me the importance of calling and getting the ruling in order for me to heal. So I told my self I was going to have to do it. It was going to hurt but then I will never have to do it again and hopefully I can get some closure.
I had no intentions on calling today. But something told me to, so I picked up the phone and started dialing. I thought for a second.."ok you can hang up now".. But I didn't..... I let it ring. I told them my case number and the lady put me on hold to get my results. Yes, she put me the terrified mom on hold to get my results. I was shaking! She came back and said, " For Madison correct?". "Yes..." I said. "Well.." she said... " Case of death: Natural Causes/SIDS". I said thanks hung up and started bawling.
Did I really just call the medical examiners office and they tell me my healthy 4 month old baby girl died from natural causes? What is natural about a healthy baby dying? UGGG.. I could not stop bawling. It hurts. Now its final. SIDS took our baby girl.
41 comments:
I'm so sorry about that phone call, that must have been so hard but you were so strong to have done it. The ladies in your group are right about finding out the cause and helping yourself heal. But still I understand how frustrating it is that SIDS is the cause when SIDS in itself is so unexplainable. There doesn't seem to be much closure in still not really knowing why. I know it will take time, but you are such a strong person, you will heal. You have so many wonderful people supporting you (people you know and people you don't know) and Maddie is always going to be with you. I pray for your strength every day.
Oh Kellie. I'm so sorry you had to go through that and continue to go through this on a daily basis. I'll never forget the day we got the call. There is just something so un-natural about finding out why your baby passed away. I hate it for you and me and every other Momma who has lost a baby to SIDS. It's heartbreaking. Keep your beautiful head up girl. Your amazing.
Love and Prayers always!
Natalie
I'm sorry you had to make that call, but hopefully some closure comes with that. I say that and know that it won't, but I still hope it will.
Thinking of you
Oh Kellie, I'm so sorry. (((hugs))) Nobody should ever have to lose their child. You & your husband continue to be in my thoughts & prayers.
so sorry girl, I REALLY HOPE THEY FIND A CURE FOR THIS!,No one should have to feel the way you do,but sadly so many do.....praying your heart heals a little more each day! hang in there! keep on keeping on:)
I'm very sorry Kellie for your loss. I hope you find some closure with the results and that the pain will slowly go away. I wish you & your husband the best for your future journey.
I am so sorry, Kellie! No mother should ever have to make that call! Sending you huge hugs!
That SUCKS that you had to make that call but I think it's good that you did. Hopefully now you can stop dreading it and keep moving forward like you have. You've just shown how much stronger you were when she passed away. ((hugs))
Awwww sweetie that's sad :( I find out my results on July6th from TK's autopsy...wish me luck (whatever that means)
Oh sheesh...I'm so sorry. I think you knew all along what it was but maybe in the back of your mind you were hoping that they would come back and have a REAL reason, a solid, concrete reason why your healthy daughter went to heaven! Because I'm sure when someone tells you your daughter died of SIDS, it's hard for you to accept that as a reasonable explanation. There's nothing right about SIDS. It's so mysterious, so WRONG! I'm so so sorry you are going through this and had to make that phonecall. I wish I could give you a big hug. Thinking of you and your family, and beautiful Maddie....
I had a hard time too when they told me SIDS...thinking of you ((Hugs))
I'm so sorry re your pain but am truly proud of you tackling such a hard step in your healing path.
I understand - we went through the organ donation process. We received a letter with the basics about who his heart valves & eyes went to. I'm curious as to the status yet scared at the same time. I don't want to call & find out they didn't take or work out or the donors to be ungrateful people not to realize the gift they were given. Although I would have made the same choice again I'm weary about hearing it wasn't a positive outcome. It's been nearly 14 years for me.
Hang in there - although painful - each step is necessary to the healing process - and I promise no matter how many steps backwards you seem to take along the journey - there one day will be more forward steps towards looking back with more joy than pain once again !
Compassionately,
Amy - James' mom
(((HUGS))) and lots of prayers for you!
Kellie & James I am so sorry that you are going thru this, I cannot imagine having to make that call. I will continue to pray for all three of you as you continue to heal...bless you both and of course your little angel too.
I'm so sorry Kellie.
I know it must hurt so badly to find out what took your angel from you for sure. No mother should EVER have to hear those words. Ever. Ever. Ever. However, I hope that knowing can help you to heal in the long run.
Maybe this will help, maybe it will not. But my grandma lost her 6 week old son back in 1963. He went to sleep and never woke up again. They didn't know why, and for years she blamed herself. At that time, there was no such thing as "SIDS", and parents were left to wonder what they did wrong to lose their baby. Until many years later when she was told about SIDS she honestly believed that she had been the cause of his death because she had taken him out in the bitter cold to the grocery store the day before.
SIDS, or any other cause for that matter, never should have taken your baby girl from you. But I pray that you can find healing in knowing that it wasn't your fault in any way shape or form. You were the best Mother you could have been to her, and I'm sure that she knows how lucky she was to have you.
God Bless.
I'm so sorry you have togo through this.OUr family is thinking of you and praying for you.
As painful as it is to read those words, I cannot imagine the pain you felt hearing them & typing them. Let alone living them. I pray that the knowledge helps to heal your broken hearts. Take care. Hugs!
Completely crushing. :( I can't imagine having to mak that phone call. Praying for you <3
I just found your blog, I am so sorry for your loss. Holding you and your baby girl in my thoughts.
I am SO very sorry. Sorry will never ever be enough, but for now it's all I have (along with prayer to One who has everything you will need) so I will say I'm sorry from one momma's heart to another....
I read this blog post today and thought of you...
http://jessviss.blogspot.com/
Much love, many prayers...
Soooo sorry... you're in our thoughts!
What a bittersweet feeling that was I'm sure. Now you know and you can find some closure in that I'm sure. Again, I could never imagine losing my baby and I'm sure saying is easier than doing. I'm so sorry for you and your family and hope that someday you can find some joy in celebrating Maddie's life through another precious baby. She'd want you to be an awesome mommy like you were to her, to another baby. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers and I always read your posts b/c I want to get the sense that you're beginning to heal and I want so badly for you to find happiness in life again. Stay strong!
Kellie, All these firsts for you sound and must be so heart breaking. I ache for you:( Just continue getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other. You are in this world for a reason and even though you didn't chose this path...its been chosen for you. You are the right person to take on this task and you are inspiring so many others. There will be so many people that read this blog that you unknowingly have changed their path for the better.
There are hundreds of people praying for you and your husband everyday and hopefully giving you the strength to get through each day.
Thank you for sharing with us all such a personal journey. God Bless:)
Kellie, I have never commented before but, I just wish I could hug you! I am so sorry that you lost Maddie! I pray that you can find the strength you need to help heal your and James' hearts!
Kellie,
I'm sorry you had to make that call...you are in my thoughts and prayers...I hate that SIDS happened to Maddie...your information though has totally helped changed my perspective and helped me keep others aware...thank you for keeping us informed...you are very special and you have a special angel looking down on you...I truly enjoy all the pics you post of precious Maddie...she is just beautiful!
No Mother should ever have to make that call. My heart just broke again for you. I simply can not fathom what you are feeling. I'm just so sorry:-(
Reading this just makes me mad and I don't even know you or your family. It just seems like there should be another reason. I'm sure this is just so hard for you and I continue to pray for you and your family.
Ugh, that SUCKS. There's really no better way of saying it.
I am so very sorry for you and your husband. I am sorry you even had to make that call. I pray for your family daily! Thank you for sharing Maddie's beautiful story with us!
~KM
I just want to let you know that I'm thinking of you.
Im thinking of you Kellie, non stop. Maddie has become a part of our night time family prayer. I pray that one day, there will be a required screening once an infant is born that can test to see if they are predisposed to SIDS..and then from there precautions to prevent it from happening. My heart breaks for Maddie and all of the babies who have lost their life far too soon. <3 to you
I am so sorry Kellie. I can't imagine how hard that was. I hope with time, you feel closure from that phone call. God wanted Maddie in heaven with Him. That is why she went that day.
I am so sorry! No parent should ever have to make this call! I will be praying that you will have more strength everyday!
I am so sorry you have to go through this. Many thoughts and prayers.
If you haven't done so already, I truly hope that some day you can share those results with that babysitter and let her know that you know it wasn't her fault and that it's "ok."
I can't imagine the guilt she feels. I know if I had been the babysitter, and finally received a call from the baby's parents letting me know that it was ok now - they didn't blame me... I would feel SO MUCH relief.
I'm glad for you that the results were conclusive, and that they weren't MORE tragic than natural causes. I hope it helps you find closure.
Blessings...
I am praying for you! I'm sure Maddie is so proud of her mommy getting stronger everyday although it may not seem that way to you right now. Do you intend on telling the babysitter the results so that she may also have some sort of closure as I am sure she has lots of feelings of guilt and sorrow?
I'm so sorry Kelly. That had to be SO incredibly hard. It was hard for me to read it and I'm not living it like you are. Made my breath catch and tears well up...saying a prayer for you now.
I'm so sorry. I had to make that call last week and I could barely handle it. Next week I'm even reviewing the autopsy and toxicology reports with my son's doctor just to completely make sure nothing went wrong.
I am so sorry. I have no words.
I'm so sorry about that phone call and the pain you are still feeling. I can not even imagine having to make a call like that. I'm thinking of you, Kellie.
I don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry and my heart hurts for you. No mother should have to go through that.
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