(I understand moms get frustrated....Believe me I was there a few times with Maddie, but now to hear moms yell at their kids makes me furious. What I wouldn't give to have my daughter back and that lady yelling....arrrrg )
I wanted to leave but I knew I needed to stay and get my shopping done. The more isles I walked down the more babies I saw and it just made me even more sad.
At one point I was so upset I thought if I leave I can come back really late and try this again..but I didn't leave I just kept on shipping very quickly!
Maddie must of heard me talking to myself because right after that all the isles cleared from all the people and it was just me.Then I was able to finish my shopping.
That was sad. This is my new life. Trying to run out of a grocery store because I just couldn't handle it. Why? This sucks. I just want her back!
Speaking of trying to run out of somewhere this happen last week..
I was at a workshop for teachers. There was this lady who knew I was pregnant but I am pretty sure she didn't know what happened to Maddie. She saw me and I immediately wanted to run because I knew she didn't know. I did stop and talk to her but I kept thinking please don't say anything ,....please don't say anything. She kept telling me I looked so good and I lost all my baby weight. At this point in the conversation I knew I had to do something or she was going to ask me how the baby was. So I started to walk away...My heart was pounding!! Honestly, I really thought about running...but if I started running she would of thought I was a nut job! I know she probably thought I was so rude but I couldn't stand to tell anther person my story.
So I am learning not everyone knows my story. Other people are going to ask me about Maddie. It's just going to happen. If I can only get to a point where I was can talk it without crying. One day I will get there but for now it's still just to hard!
15 comments:
We're still praying for you Kellie! My heart aches for you. I think about you each time I loose my patience with my baby girl. I know that you would give anything to stay up all night rocking your baby girl and that I should be eternally grateful for the opportunity. Thank you for teaching me patience. You and your family have touched so many lives in so many ways. God bless you.
I had a lot of these situations each time I lost a pregnancy. Granted I know our experiences are miles away from each other but know that it does get easier and as my good friend told me that those situations are like pulling a bandaid off (without holding taunt or at a 90 degree angle) yes it's going to hurt and be awkward but just for a moment.
I am so sorry sweetie! I can't imagine how this feels for you. I feel so horrible because I am that mom that has yelled at her kids to be quiet. Thanks for the wake up call and reminding me of how lucky I am. I never know if there is a mother who is feeling the way you do at the store. Your strength amazes me. Sometimes as I am reading your blog, I feel as if I can't breath from the pain you must be feeling. I know that you will have your daughter again with you some day and you will have the chance to raise her. I know I sound nutty but families are forever. Heavenly Father has made it possible for our families to live eternally with each other. I continue to pray for you and James to have strength and continue having the courage to keep going. You have such amazing courage.
Lots of Love
Laura
ps. I have put a package in the mail to you and James. I hope you enjoy it. xoxo
I hate malls, grocery stores and public transit. They are full of pregnant women and babies and as sad as it makes me, I can't take my eyes off them. I'm glad you walked away if that is what you needed to do. You have to take care of you.
This happened to me too, Kellie. Just a week before Nora was born, we moved from our townhouse to a new home. After Nora died, I ran into the president of the townhouse association at the grocery store. She approached me and my daughter and wanted to know how everything was going. And then she asked where the baby was. AAAAAHHHHH. I didn't know what to do - I was frozen. I said she passed away a few weeks ago - and she was just in shock (understandably) and didn't know what to say. You'll always come across people that don't know, it'll get easier to say. You'll get the question asking how many children you have...that's always hard. Because in your heart you know how many you have. Each time someone asks you, it will get easier, but there still will be that pull in your heart. Time - it takes time to get used to "the new normal."
Today, 3 years after my nephew (who was 2) died of brain cancer, I cry when someone asks about him or mentions him in conversation. And there are days when I can't talk about precious Luc - and that's ok. My dear brother has another son now, but always answers that he has 2 boys -one who lives with him and one who lives with God. Each parent who has to say good-bye to a child has to find their comfortable place in talking about their child, and it takes a long time. I pray for you and James daily, although I'm a stranger to you.
For me...10 months later...and I still get teary-eyed everytime someone asks about him :) Not sure if that part goes away for awhile but it doesn't bother me, it shows how much he meant to me in his short 4 months of life!
I am proud of you for getting through that shopping trip. You are doing it! If you need to run, you run! You do whatever it takes for you to get through...you're doing so great! We are all so proud of you!
Kellie,
I am praying that God continues to give you the strength that you need. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I know that it has to be hard to talk to people about Maddie but I am so glad that you are strong enough to share her precious life and memories with us. Praying for you. Sending you (((HUGS)))
Just wanted to let you know that I pray for you and your family every night!! I pray for y'all to have strength and for you to be able to be happy again!! I do not know how it feels to lose a child but I know it has to be an unbearable feeling and your strength and faith amazes me!
I am still praying for you Kellie. Every day I think about you and how you are doing.
I think it is wonderful that you are trying to do things like go grocery shopping alone. It is hard, but eventually you will get the hang of your new normal...
I am so sorry about your run in with the other lady. I have those moments all too often: every time someone asks me how many children I have I just freeze for a minute. A million scenarios roll through my head about what I should say. If I say two then they will want to know where the other one is or there will be some sort of awkward confusion... If I say one, am I dishonoring her somehow? But no matter how we chose to handle it, it's a personal and individual thing. You have to do what gets you through it. Even if it is turning and walking away. She may not know, but she doesn't need to know if you don't want her to. You need to take care of yourself. You are so strong, but you are allowed to take your time and feel the sadness whenever you need to.
Keep strong.
Always praying
virginia
http://likemommade.blogspot.com/
http://www.facebook.com/Decked.Out.By.Virginia
I feel your pain! I also cannot handle when mothers (or fathers) are treating their children poorly. It breaks my heart. I'm sure we were the best of mommies, so why did our babies get taken from us?
I went to a curling dinner one night and had an old friend's mom come up to my mom and I and ask how we were etc. Then she asked how my little one was doing. I just about choked on my saliva. How do you answer that? Her mouth just dropped and I think she was going to cry.
I also get random people who talk to me and ask me things like "are you a stay at home mom" or "do you have kids"...and they don't even know me. And I have no idea why that topic even came up. They just start off with that....
Virtual hugs to you.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and your family. I have never commented on here before, but I have been following your blog since right after Maddie went to be with Jesus. I can't imagine your pain. It hurts me to even think about you. I don't know you, but my heart is broken for you and your family. You even trying to grocery shop is proof that you are strong. You may not feel that way, but you are. You are touching so many people with your story of loss and your courage to move on. I know Maddie is so proud of her mommy and will always be your little guardian angel. Thank you so much for this blog and your strength and inspiration. God bless you and your family.
I read this poem today... and it made me think of you...
The Cord
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!
Rest in sweet peace Maddie!
It did get easier for me but it's been nearly 14 years & there are always parts of "my story" re losing my son, James, that I still tear up over. This is perfectly normal & ok :) But those that I chose to share my story with anymore rather than just stating the basics to are people I know will understand & be ok with those tears. Each & every one of these hard steps paves the way for them to become easier "the next time".
Going to Walmart was one of the hardest things I had to do - during the day all that seems to be there are mom's & their toddlers. But each & every time I made myself it was a bit easier for me. Yet still today there are "those moments" that are uncomfortable & hard when I see someone/something that reminds me of moments with my son. Thankfully time has made those moments easier to handle even though it's still painful. Looking back over my healing process I realize forcing myself (within reason) just made me that much stronger to live & love life sooner. What I mean by this is when I was with others in my parent's bereavement group there were many who would avoid driving a certain way - some for YEARS. While I respected the pain I also didn't want to spend my life running & hiding from everything in life and am so thankful now that I did. I see many similarities in your healing process taking it head on & tackling it. Congratulations - that is NOT easy - but I think later you will come to admire yourself for taking the little bit harder path down the road of grief !
Hang in there - you are doing great !!!
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