I was doing good (no tears) until I found something in the kitchen when I was cleaning. I don't even remember what it was but all of the sudden I had a huge urge to go into Maddie's room...so I did. Then I started crying and I couldn't stop. Everything in her room reminds me of her and how much I miss her. I sat on her floor crying looking at her baby book thinking I will never get to fill in the rest of the pages. They will always remain blank. I will never know her favorite colors, favorite food, favorite hobbies, her hair color, which hand she writes with, when she would of taken her first steps, what her first words would of been and many other blanks that I will never get to fill in. I sat there and let my self cry for a while. I didn't want to go get James and make him upset, so I just sat with Bella. When I was ready I got up, wiped off my face walked out of her room and shut the door. Then I promised myself I was going to have a good day. James and I ran to Walmart and went to his parents house to eat hot dogs and watch Batman returns. Now I am ready and waiting for Big Brother ( have I mentioned its my favorite show he he).
It has really been hard lately with her birthday quickly approaching. I need to get some things together but I just feel so sad and can't bring my self to do it yet. I really want to do lanterns but its been so dry here lately I don't know if its such a great idea. I guess I can wait a few weeks and see if we get any rain.
Happy 10 months baby girl. I hope Jesus put a big bow on you today. Go bounce high on the clouds with AnnaKythryn, and Macie. Mommy and daddy love you so much.
25 comments:
Hugs, hugs, hugs. And more hugs.
Kellie and James, I hope Maddie's memory is a blessing to you always. I'm praying you both find comfort somehow.
You put one foot in front of the other today. Sometimes, that's more than enough.
Praying for you and lifting you up!!!
Thinking of you... my thoughts and Prayers are always with you.
Happy 10 months Maddie! What a beautiful girl she is! I hope you both had a good day Kellie and James! Praying for you always.
(((hugs)) and praying for you Kelli!
Happy 10 months, Maddie!! I still pray for your Mommy & Daddy daily. Please give them both lots of strength!
=(
One of my friends has an angel baby and we released balloons for her all over the country. I know you do this regularly for her but it is a great way to remember your Princess. Ill send one from Chicago for her and take a picture for you.
<3
My little sister received her angel wings 33 years ago, at the age of 18 months. The pain never goes away but you learn to find a new kind of joy. Remember that your happiness is a gift, one to be received without guilt. God desires for you to be happy again. Do not be afraid to wear your smile as a joyful reminder of your sweet little angel. Praying for you and your family.
(((((HUGS)))))
I'm not sure what to say Kelly. No parent should ever have to go through what you & James have. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're being thought of. And that I often include you in my prayers.
Hi my name is Annie Walker I am 16. I stumbled across your blog on that dreadful day and I still think about it every time I hold my nieces. I know that you are probably wondering what the heck is this 16 year old doing writing to me. Coming this november will be one of my best friends 3rd angleversaries. I just wanted to say that you really inspire me. After she died I thought I would never stop crying. One of my best friends was gone, the girl i played with all those years, and went to broad way plays with was just gone. And yes i still think about her every day. I think it so great that you do so much in your daughters memory. I hope that the Hospital gives you her birth certificate it is the least that they could do after everything that you have been through! Im sure her headstone will be beautiful. And I know that Cassidy (my friend) will have a big birthday party for little Maddie! Happy 10 months Maddie! God bless you
Kellie, I know you don't really want to know what I think, but I think you should have a wonderful birthday party for Maddie anyway. What do you think?
Allison
There are always days and moments where the pain hits you and it is so hard, but God never changes and is always there waiting to get you through the moments.
I'm so sorry for your sad times. Lots of prayers still coming your way.
Happy 10 months Maddie! Every time I see a lady bug I think of your Maddie. I've said this before, but your story has made me so aware of SIDS. I'm pregnant and read your story before I was pregnant, and SIDS scares me to death, as it should, but you've really educated me. Thank you! Praying for you and your husband!
:( :( Sending big virtual hugs from the UK xx
oh p.s I saw this on a table at an event I went to recently and had a strong feeling to photograph and send to you. I think I was meant to
http://memoirmode.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/lady-bug.jpg xx
You can shed tears that she is gone,
Or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
Or you can be full of the love that you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she is gone,
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
I love this one and I just had to share it with you Kelliexo
Happy 10 Months Maddie!
I so wish she was with you Kellie. I wish I could make sense of all this. Know so many people are praying for you. So many people are thinking of Maddie. She will NEVER be forgotten. She will forever live in our hearts. She has changed so many lives. What an incredible journey.
--- I know this doesnt always help, believe me. but somedays when im in the right mood it can help. other days its just words. know whatever you feel you are so right in feeling it.
im sorry you have to know this.
BIG BIG HUGS. :(
You are such a breath of fresh air in a world so hard to cope with at times. You are in my prayers and Im certain that Madison is so proud of you. She is the sunshine that kisses your face each day always and forever!
There are no words but sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way!
p.s. I love the balloon idea and would totally send one for Maddie!!
Kellie, I think your idea for lanterns is good... have you considered large Mason jars filled in the bottom with sand and a tealight candle (or the fake tealight candles) inside? you could use pink sand and glitter, and maybe wrap a pretty bow around each band since Maddie loved her bows. just a suggestion! we, too, haven't had rain in awhile and I saw the Mason jar luminaries recently in a neighbors yard.
Kellie,
I am a follower of your page and a fan on fb. Since my daughter has been born, I haven't had much time to myself but here and there I read your inspiring words. Today my daughter wore this same onesie and today of all days I checked in to read the blog. It was def Maddie saying hi! Also ladybugs have been a sign I was having a girl during my entire pregnancy. We share lots of the same likes, and although I don't know you I feel Maddie is with us. xo
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