She went down for a nap at the babysitters. When the sitter went to check on her she was blue and not breathing. Maddie always slept in her swaddle blanket but she had started pulling her arms out of it. She loved to eat and she would always suck on her hands. Moving her arms around would always wake her up so she would start out to night in her swaddle blanket but in the morning her arms were out. Here is a picture of one. The babysitter said when she went into the room Maddie's arms were out of the swaddle blanket. So we do not think she got smothered from the blanket.
We are not sure if the babysitter did CPR or not, but she did call 911. When the paramedics got there Maddie was already gone. We haven't spoke to the babysitter since that horrific day. I want to ask her if Maddie was happy before she went down for a nap, but I just cant..not yet or maybe ever.
The babysitter did not have a monitor. I should of know that wasn't right. We have a video monitor and I would recommend it to anyone. I would also recommend the angel care monitor. This monitor detects movement and breathing. I cried yesterday for a long time because I didn't know about this monitor...but I cant keep "what if-ing" my self. We WILL have both of those monitors for our next baby...and I am sure I will still be a nervous wreck.
We were told it could be months until we really know what happened. They are telling us its most likely SIDS. I am just praying Maddie didn't get a hold of something in her bed and suffocate her self. I pray she fell asleep and just never woke up.
Maddie's swaddle blanket was like magic. As soon as we put it on her she fell right to sleep. I now sleep with her swaddle blanket every night and so far its helping me sleep. It smells like her. It makes me think for just a second she is still here.
153 comments:
Please, please, please don’t start what-ifing...as hard as this is for you, that is definitely not the road to take. I'm sure she did just fall asleep happy and comfy in her swaddle. That's nice that you have it to help you sleep...I'm so sorry, hope things get a little easier for you somehow. Maddie will not be forgotten by any of us, she is and always will be a very special angel.
You are such a strong couple. I hope you get an answer soon to bring you more peace. I am 2 days overdue with my first little girl, Piper and can't imagine what you are going through. You have so much support surrounding you.
I am so sorry this happened to you, and your family. I don't think there are words that can help heal the pain of loosing a child, but just know that our prayers are with you!
I can't imagine your pain, I still cry every time I read your blog...praying for you each and every day.
A facebook friend posted your blog the other day. I am SO sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for your family and I don't even know you.
I'm also a Mom/teacher (music k-5). I have a 9 month old boy and stayed home for 3 months with him (and the same time with his big sis). I worry about them every time I go to work. I wish I could stay home with them.
I think photography would be a great occupation for you to stay home. I'd love to learn more about photography. http://www.thecoffeeshopblog.com/p/coffeeshop-actions-and-presets.html
http://paintthemoon.net/blog/
We also used the swaddling blankets that you are talking about. My kids were able to get their hands out too.
I wish you the best as you plan for your future. I'll will remember your beautiful girl even though I never met her.
I do not know you, but I was moved when I read your story. God will never guide us down a road or path in which he will not protect us. God has all the puzzle pieces to our lives and we sometimes only see pieces at a time. Im sorry for your precious loss. Heavenly father, please wrap your arms around this family and show them your warm embrace. Amen. Sincerely Christie Brown.
Shes watching over you, over us. Shell be laughing at us later today ! :) See you in just a bit.
As a parent it is only natural to try and find a way to blame yourself when something happens to our children. I have a very different story (my daughter was raped by my husband numerous times before I found out about the abuse and turned him into the police). For so long, I blamed myself because "I should have known". You have to know that nothing you could have done would have changed that day! I commented on your post yesterday, but do not see it there today! I must keep it short today, but I will follow your blog everyday and hope to someday see posts of joy...while you will always feel the pain of losing Maddie, someday you will be ready to be blessed by another child again. When I read this post...I thought of the baby monitor I used for my daughter, who suffured numerous ALTE episodes as a newborn. I used the http://www.respisense.com/en/index.php it is a portable baby movement monitor that clips right on their diaper and it alerts you if your baby doesn't breathe for 20 seconds. This alarm went off many times and while I will never know if it saved my daughter's life or not, I do know the comfort that came with it. They also have a new one out now that seems to be similar to the Respisense...it is the http://www.snuza.com/index.php
Maybe you will find more comfort in a monitor like these, when the times comes.
I hope to one day read of the joy
{{{Huge Hugs}}} I have No Words to express what I feel. Just know my heart is broken with you. I pray for you & your husband that the days to come bring you a peace and maybe someday the answers. Just know that since i heard about Maddie I think of you so much.
Love you.
Praying for peace in your mind and in your heart.
I am sure the babysitter feels horrible and is having a really hard time dealing with this.
I will pray for quick results.
<><
Again, I want to send many hugs your way!!! I must say, I have been amazed at how many of my friends on facebook that don't know each other are sharing your story and asking for prayers for you and your husband! It is truly amazing to see so many people come together in this time of need, even though most of us don't know you personally we are all grieving with you and care about you so much!
I agree with Sheron there are many what ifs and you can never know everything that is likely to happen.
I spent months saying "what-if" when we lost our son, and I met other moms whose babies passed under different circumstances and they all did this as well.
My point is, it's not your fault. Your blog showed many beautiful posts about a baby who was well loved and cared for.
I am glad that you have things that remind you of her. I am praying for you always and hoping that you all find an answer very soon to what happened.
*HUGS*
Your story has been so touching to myself and so many other people. You and your husband have so much strength and you have so many people who are supporting you through this journey. I know that at this point it may be hard to face your babysitter because she was the last one with Maddie before she passed away, but I can only imagine the guilt and pain she too feels. Hopefully someday you two can be at peace with each other and find ways to comfort one another and celebrate your beautiful babies life! I will pray for you and also pray you find ways to make peace with this path God has chosen for you.
God Bless
I can't imagine how you must be thinking over and over about what happened. I will pray that you have peace, whether you get answers or not. God's peace be with you.
I cried as I read this... My daughter passed away January 28, 2011, and I too, sleep with the blanket that last touched her sweet little body. For the first couple of weeks I carried it everywhere... If I had to leave the house, I stashed it in my purse... If I all of a sudden realized I didn't have it, I would have a panic attack... Something about that blanket makes me feel like she is here.
As far as what happened: I too go over what happened in my mind every second... Ours was even in a hospital, where doctors were monitoring her and they told us it was time. I keep asking myself what would have happened if I had argued with them and fought harder for her life, but I know deep down that it was too late. The what ifs just tear you apart, because you know you can't turn back time, even if you could come up with a plan to stop it... All we can do is find a way to get through the next minute, hour, day...
A friend linked me to your blog because she noticed that our blogs had similar themes... I think you should check mine out: I don't know if it will help you. I hope your pain eases with time. God Bless.
http://likemommade.blogspot.com/
I started reading your blog after someone posted a prayer request on Facebook the day after your precious baby girl passed away. I can not imagine how hard this is for you and your husband but please know that thousands of people who don't even know you think of you every day and pray for your continued strength to get through each day, each minute and each breath.
I am so sorry for the loss. I commented yesterday about loosing my oldest brother to SIDS when he was 3 months old. I pray you can not go thru the what ifs, from what I understand there is nothing that can be done for a child affected by SIDS. They just go to sleep and never wake up. Like I said, I believe families will be together forever and our Heavenly Father just needed your precious angel home sooner. Today I am having all 4 of my girls ages 14, 12 9 and 20 months where a bow in honor of you heavenly angel. This has touched me so deeply that I am trying hard to not complain about my children driving me crazy. This has humbled me deeply and has taught me to not take my family for granted. I am so sorry you have to go thru this loss. I so wish I could take some of you pain away. May God bless you and your husband with peace and comfort. Hugs from my family to yours!
Laura Deckard
I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for your family. I can't imagine. I cry every time I read your blog. Your story hits very close to home for me. I have a daughter born 10-4-10 and her name is also Madison. I know your little girl is with you and she is an extremely beautiful little angel. We are praying for you and your family every day!
the what-ifs are so hard to deal with. you can't avoid thinking them but hopefully you won't torture yourself with them.
we used the angelcare monitor with my daughter until she was about 15 months old. i have never found a daycare that would use it, but i remember wanting ours to and discussing it with them.
it must be very comforting to sleep with maddie's blanket. hoping for peaceful days ahead.
Awww hun, don't beat yourself up about the monitor. I accidently stumbled upon it when I was pregnant with my 2 yr old. He used it until I had my now 3 month old, and now she uses it.
Even my best friend didn't know about it, until she set it off. She has it on her registry for her twins, one for each. And I also let 2 other friends know about it. None of them had heard of it before.
You are a very strong woman with the most beautiful guardian angel watching over you. You and your husband are still in my thoughts and prayers.
Checking your blog daily as I keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. Will click on your ads everyday so that when its right for your family to grow, there will be just a little more help so that you can be home. My heart breaks for you but I ask God to lift you up daily with your memories and His love and strength and surround you with his peace. I really hope little Madison's blog will help you along your path, I am sure this is only one way of the many ways she will continue to contribute to your family as a future big sis. :) May God bless you and be with you through every tear and triumph!!! (and when it comes to the second-guessing moments, just know that all us mommies out here return to your blog and pray for you because we can feel the love you had for your little girl, if we can feel it, she surely did, and that makes you her perfect mommy.)
Kellie- I found your story through A Girl and A Glue Gun's blog. I am so sorry for what you and your husband are going through right now. Your baby girl is absolutely beautiful. Your story is so hard to read because we went through the same thing with our little boy, Luke, just over 4 years ago. He was at the sitter's. They were able to get a pulse back, but it was too late. I remember the feeling of going home to the toys he left in the living room. That was the hardest thing ever.
I just want you know you are in my prayers. You will get through this.
There are definitely still hard days and I think of Luke all the time. Having more children has been the only thing that has helped me to heal. I won't say that I am not a freak about my kids now, because I am. I use the angel care monitor and I love it. It gives me peace of mind anyway. I also bought one for the sitter's house and she uses it. We still use the same babysitter to this day. And there are still many details I don't know and don't know if I will ever want to know. The "what if's" will make you crazy if you let them.
If you ever need someone to talk to you can e-mail me. I remember just wanting to talk to someone who had been through what I was going through and made it past to live a normal, happy life. It will happen in time.
I think the auction is a great idea and I hope it works out that you can stay home with your future children.
Lisa
Your little Maddie sounds just like my makena... The swaddle was magic. I am devoted to your blog daily now... You as a momma gives me so much strength.
I just read your horrific story! I want you to know that it does get easier. My sister dies of SIDS at a baby sitters house when she was 3 months old. Not long afterwards, my Mom got pregnant with twin girls. My sisters are now 21. We had heart monitors and everything on them and we were all a nervous wreck for months! I am not a mother myself of 3 boys! I always use the swaddle and even if they can pull their hands out of the swaddle, we've never had an issue? I hope you get some closure and can find out what happened. You are in our thoughts and prayers! May you find comfort in your love for your husband and know that your daughter is always looking down on you!!!
I have commented on one of your previous blog posts. My son passed away at 5 months old at an in home day care. She also did not use a monitor. We use both an angel care monitor and a SNUZA for our second son who is currently 4 months old. Please get a SNUZA if you are going to have another child. I love that thing. It is my sanity saver. It is portable and tiny and sits on their diaper to detect tummy movement. It is more accurate than the angel care monitor although i love that one too. The angelcare does get a lot of false alarms which are too much for a prevous SIDS mom to deal with.
Kellie, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. My heart hurts so much for you. I know there is nothing I can say that will ease your pain but please know that we are praying for you.
There is nothing I can say that will make what you and your family are going through easier. However, I think about you everyday and pray for you and your family. You are a STRONG AMAZING mama and I wish you nothing but the best.
I used to manage apartments & when I was 6mo pregnant with my 2nd baby one of my residents lost their 6week old baby girl to SIDS while she was sleeping in bed with them. I watched what they went through & promptly went out & got the Angel Care Monitor. It went off twice with my 2nd baby and so far has gone off once with my third baby. Each time the babies were in such deep sleep they stopped breathing. But I'm grateful to have that monitor! I also spread the word to everyone I meet & every pregnant mama I know. Thank you for spreading the word about this monitor so that other moms don't go through what you & you husband are going through. Reading this post could save someone elses baby.
I've been reading your blog entries and I want you to know that I keep thinking about you and your hubby! I can only hope it gets easier. I have a 6mth old and a 4 year old and now I just want to hold them both tight! I'm so sorry for your loss...your lil girl was so adorable! :)
I agree... the what-ifing will do not one bit of good. It won't bring Maddie back.
I honestly don't know how I'd react - so maybe this is easier to say than to do... but perhaps seeing/talking to the babysitter is the next step in healing? If it was SIDS, how awful this babysitter must be feeling... To know that a baby died in her care, and to think that perhaps that baby's parents (you) could possibly hate her for not doing something different. Maddie wasn't this babysitter's child, but I'm sure she's grieving in a similar (and much different) way. Just my opinion...
That babysitter is the only person who knows your sweet Maddie's final hours... I encourage you to talk with her, to hear those details when the time is right for you... Hopefully she can bring a bit of healing to your heart.
This video is so beautiful just like your Maddie, I have wept and am still crying after watching it! I hope Jesus gives you guys some much needed answers!
Always praying
Summer
You are in my prayers.
I just found your blog today. I am so sorry for your loss. I put you on my prayer circle for today. Will be thinking of and praying for your family.
What a hard thing to have to think about. I would go mad wondering what caused her death. I had a cousin die from SIDS when I was a child and I know that she was also under the care of a sitter. As someone who has taken care of children most of my life, I cannot imagine what she must be feeling. I pray that you all find peace and it makes me cry thinking about you snuggling with her swaddle. Hugs to you.
Continuing to pray for you and your husband, as well as the sitter.
I know that there are things we will not ever understand in this lifetime. God does understand our asking, though. But please know that "what if" will not change what is. It will only hurt and frustrate! Just continue to lean on God, your husband and other family and friends that seek to help you through this horrible time.
I can not tell you how my heart aches for you and your family. I am so thankful that you all have a faith. My son is 4 months old this week and I just can't imagine. But know how much your story has touched so many and is bringing awareness of SIDS to many of us with young ones. I immediately went and ordered an Angel Monitor after hearing about this. Again, I am so sorry.
I wanted to give you this link to a church here in Albuquerque, NM. It is a sermon on loosing children, and my husband personally knows that this sermon led a friend to Christ who had lost a baby. Hopefully this will help you to stay strong and maybe give you comfort.
http://connectiononline.org/broadcast.asp?id=572
Stay strong in HIM.
Kayla
from New Mexico
My daughter was born 9 days after Maddie. I am praying hard for you each and every day. I could never even begin to imagine how it must feel, nor do I ever want to know. When I first read your blog I couldn't fight it. I just had to cry. My daughters were at daycare and my son was at school. I rushed and picked them up...crying the entire way there. When I got home I told my kids (4,2 and 4 months) how much I loved them and hugged them and kept them by my side for the remainder of the night. It's times like these that you realize...the dishes and laundry will always be there to do the next day. And your kids or you may not. My friend who is 21 with a 1 1/2 year old son lost her husband of a little over a year in January. She told me that she wished that instead of always stressing and working, she wished they did more as a family. I will keep praying for you. I think about you,your husband and miss Maddie each and every day. I know only time will heal your open wounds, but always remember, she is in a better place. Saved from all the violence and drugs and sin in this horrible world we live in. She is waiting for you and her daddy in heaven...It's not goodbye.
~Bobbie Pearson~
I am really so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little angel. My cousin showed me this post last night, and I cried for hours. My heart is so heavy because of this. Children are the most beautiful gift given to us from God. I have 4 children of which I was lucky enough to be picked by God to be their mother, and you and your husband were picked by Him to be Maddie's parents. How special is that? She was needed in Heaven to be an sweet little angel that sprinkles love and kisses down to all who need it. I know her kisses are sprinkling down on you both now. God bless you, and my prayers are with you.
I am new to your blog, but your story and your strength have moved me. You and your family are in my thoughts, and I truly believe that your sweet daughter is watching over you.
I am not a mother, but I am an aunt to 3 girls and 2 boys. I cry when I read your blog and my hearts breaks with every post. I pray for you and James to find peace. Maddie was such a beautiful baby and now she is a beautiful little angel watching over you two.
As I read your posts, especially the one below it brings back the same emotions we felt following the funeral. Its hard to function without feeling like a mom. I remember I didn't know how to plan my day without it around nap time. Going to the places that bring back so many memories will be difficult.Just know after you do it, it gets easier. It's always the "first" time that is the hardest. I've often left places in tears.
We're still thinking about your family.
Love,
The Sullengers
http://www.sids-network.org/experts/apnea.htm
I don't know if you're ready but this article talks about some research on SIDS.
Someday you will find peace and know that "why" can go on forever. And thats ok. I imagine there are many answers.
Someday....oneday you will have YOUR answer and nothing else will matter. Maddie will tell you.
I have a little bit of unsolicited advice. My therapist had me do this... When you blog think of one precious thing that has happened that day and write it down. One specific thing that helped you not feel sad. I don't imagine you feel good... But just not sad! Write it down everyday. That way you can see one moment of peace everyday. It's important. You deserve peace!
I couldn't help but to post a little prayer for you and your family. I think that it is so amazing that you and your husband have so much strength. I am going to have a daughter soon and we decided to name her Maddison Gwen so when reading some of your stuff I couldn't help but to cry and pray for you guys! I know there is really nothing that anyone can really say to make this easier, but I will be sure that I will always keep you in our prayers.
The "what if?"s will drive you nuts. Don't let yourself go down that road. I have several friends who have the Angel Care monitor and they have all had numerous problems with it, so don't you even think for a second "if only I had had that!" You did what every normal mother does; your dropped your child off at the babysitter. Sometimes things out of our control happen. This was out of your control. DO NOT blame yourself. You did absolutely NOTHING wrong.
http://www.agoodgrief.com
-my friend lost her little girl and started this wonderful blog/website. Maybe it can help you a little
Our thoughts and prayers go out to you and your husband. I hope that you and your husband find peace and happiness together.
Thinking and praying for you everyday :) Hope you've been able to get some sleep there. I too used the very same swaddle blanket you have pictured and my son would escape his little hands out of it by early morning. My son is now 21 months and I hate sending him to daycare because I worry about him everyday, Im sure every parent does think of their child while not with them. A friend of my husband and I lost his son at 18 months old at the babysitters and they said it was sids but that is uncommon at 18 months but anyways its unfourtunate to lose a child no matter how they meet God. I made sure to take every percaution when I had my son from not using bumper pads or a heavy blanket in his crib and not having any stuffed animals in the crib, I just hear of sids way too much. But to not actually know what happened to Maddy must be difficult for you. Im sure she was her happy self when she went to sleep she is such a beautiful angel May your Sweet Maddy Rest In Peace, Im sure she's watching over you and your husband and the rest of your family.
Take care :)
xo
I wrote on my struggle with What-ifs here http://noelgiger.blogspot.com/2010/07/whatever.html
HUGS
My heartbreaks for you and your husband. We have a 17 month old and I can honestly say I can't imagine your pain. I have been and will keep praying that one day you will have a peaceful nights sleep and day full of laughter. My heart goes out to you as a mother.
Kellie,I am so so sorry about your baby Maddie. Someone left a note on my blog about your auction, so I will definitely tell my readers about it tomorrow. I'm heartbroken for you. Prayers & hugs!
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet girl, Maddie. I had a friend who went through, literally, the exact same situation. Her baby was 3.5 months old. She had just started at the babysitters. She went to sleep, and never woke up. It has been almost 11 years since Ashley passed away. My friend and her husband were blessed with another amazing child almost exactly one year later. While I cannot imagine the pain that you are in, for me, knowing that my friends were able to get through it, helps me to know that, as awful as it is, you will one day be ready to have a sibling for your sweet Maddie. You are in my prayers.
The video from Melissa is so beautiful. My husband and I watched it and I just broke down for you and James. I can't even imagine...
Prayers, prayers and more prayers.
Kellie and James,
I have been following your blog for almost a week now. I can't even begin to tell you how much your story has affected me. I have never met you, but you all have had a profound impact on my life.
Today, my husband and I attended a new church, where our little one will be attending a day-care starting in August. We wanted to check out the service there. We were blown away by the sermon, which was on faith and miracles. The pastor was unbelievable. The whole time, I was thinking of you, Maddie, and James. I broke down crying and couldn't stop. I also thought of some of the recent losses my family has suffered. At the end of the sermon, they invited those who wanted to come up and pray for someone, or for themselves, to come to the sides and speak with the pastor or one of the associates. I was prompted to go to the pastor, and my husband came with me. I told him your story, and I asked him to pray for you, Maddie, and James, as well as for my own understanding of how this could happen to such an innocent, 4-month old baby. He gave a wonderful prayer for you all, and mentioned that he prays for a family that is now "living life in 24-hour segments". I thought that must be so true - I know you are literally struggling to breathe, and to make it to the next minute. But, you will. You all will. Your strength is enormous, and you are prayed for by so many people that you have never even met. I hope you know how much your story is touching thousands, if not millions of people out in the world. Maddie is leaving quite a legacy. God Bless You.
You are stronger than I. I am amazed at your ability to keep going. I do not think I could. It would drive me crazy to not know how my child passed away...
Blessings to you and your husband.
I cannot even imagine what you and your husband are going through. Please know that you are in our prayers and that you have people that love you walking with you every step of the way.
Some friends of mine lost their little boy a couple years ago and still have no idea what happened. He also keeps a blog and there are so many just completely raw and open entries. If you ever want to take a look and chat with him his link to his blog is http://claytonguiltner.wordpress.com/2010/01/02/welcome-new-bloggers/. I know sometimes it helps to share your pain with someone who has felt similar pain. You are in our prayers. Hang in there and take it one day, one moment, at a time.
My heart is aching for you. I still sleep with Jacob's blanket and it brings me alot of comfort. Whether Maddie was happy or not before she went down for that nap, she knew she was loved. Sending you hugs.
I was not a reader prior to your tragic loss last week. A fellow blogger linked to your blog asking for prayers of strength for you. I would normally not link to read such sadness, but a friend pointed out that if you are strong enough to write it, I can be strong enough to read it.
No mother (or father) can imagine the pain that comes with the loss of a child. You are both very strong people to share with us your grieving.
Since learning of your beautiful Maddie's death I have taken every advantage and made speacial efforts to appreciate every single thing about my daughter. Sometimes those few special moments have to last a lifetime, and I am so very sorry that is the case for you and your family.
Much paec and love to you and yours~
The video was so sweet,she is so pretty..Im just so sorry for what happend..I what if all the time when it comes to my husbands death,i think it totally normal..When your ready,and in time u will be,maybe talking to the sitter will help u just a bit..But when you are ready..Stay strong..I love that you sleep with her blanket,its so sweet...xo
My heart aches for you and your family. I cannot begin to fathom what ya'll are going through. Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers here in tn and that through the darkness the good lord always provides a shining light, My little girl will be wearing a bow every day this week in honor of miss maddie. Do not what if yourself there are some things beyond our control as parents its very evident from this beautiful blog how much you and your husband both loved your precious baby girl. May the love and support of family, friends, strangers, and God wash over you and guide you through this tragedy. She was taken too soon but will not be forgotten..
I am SOOO very sorry for your loss.. I just want to let you know that I am a nurse that works with babies and we send ALL babies who have had a sibling die from SIDS home on a hospital grade apnea monitor! It has electrodes that hook right to the baby and is more reliable than the other! Also, they download the information and can tell you if the baby had any "apneic" episodes! This is a portable monitor so the baby would have it on at grandmas.. in the swing,,, in the car! Again i am so sorry for your loss!
We don't know each other, but I have been following your blog which was posted by a friend. I am so so sorry for this awful situation and can not even fathom what you are going through. I just wanted you to know that you and your family have not been far from my thoughts and I have been praying for you everyday. I am the mother of a 5 month old little girl. When I read your posts my eyes filled with tears. I just can't imagine. Sending tons of love and prayers to you.
I know this is not much comfort at this time, but when you do decide to have another child it might. We have the anglecare monitor, & I can vouch for its effectiveness. It saved my little boys life. When the time comes for you to have another child please have some peace of mind in the fact that what you will use has saved before. I am truly sorry for your loss, and wish I could be there with you to give you a big hug & a kiss on the cheek.
I am one of your fellow WTE Mommies. I found a thread about baby Maddie and immediately found your blog. It's all I've been reading this weekend, in between hug and kiss breaks with our two kids bc I just can't imagine losing one of them.
There is nothing I can say that will make you feel any better. I don't know what it's like to lose a living baby, but my husband and I lost a baby girl in between our two boys. It's a pain only a mother can know. It's in your mind every day, and never goes away. On May 28th, our Emily would be a year old. I know you will think of Maddie on the 22nd of every month especially, and every minute, hour, day, etc.
Drew is now 4 yrs and Cooper is five months tomorrow. I have not left their sides since I read your blog the first time. I just showed your slideshow to Cooper and he cooed and "talked" to Maddie. Like you, I'm a teacher (although I teach 2nd grade), and I feel guilty being back at work, spending time with other peoples kids. It's a horrible pull!
I can't believe you are alive through all of this, I don't know if I would have the strength to continue living!. I am amazed at your strength and your husbands. At your whole demeanor and ability to still blog.
I wish so badly that I could hug you and offer some kind of healing. Since I can't, prayers will go up for your entire family and your sweet angel Maddie.
Because of your story, many moms and dads are hugging their kids tighter tonight, and realizing what precious gifts they are.
May God help heal your pain, and may you see Maddie in every happy memory and every incredible moment of your life.
Love,
The Garner Famil
www.adventuresingarnerland.blogspot.com
don't ever, ever wash that swaddle! also, if i was you, i would put some of her unwashed clothes in plastic ziplocks, and keep them there. i know i sound crazy, but it keeps the smell! so you have it when you need it. that's what i would do...
You can't start iffing. Most people do not have these monitors, most people can't even imagine this even happening to them to get one. It seems like the strongest, beautiful and healthiest babies are taken from this cruel syndrome. It still can't be fully explained.
Before I was crying everytime I saw a photo of Maddie, today I still feel a gut wrenching ache, but I smiled at her beauty and thought of the message you are sharing (although you probably do not know you are doing it) the thousands of mothers that have probably read your blog and thought a bit differently about love and appreciation of their loved ones. Your strength is inspirational and the togetherness of you and your husband is spellbinding. Any other child you bring into the world, will be more than lucky, whenever that is.
Glad to hear you are going forward with your photography, I hope it helps you with your healing.
My daughter (17 months) is sitting on my lap and pointing and smiling at Maddie. She was lovely and will always be lovely xxx
Thank you for your honesty and for sharing.
First let me say, you and your family are in our families prayers. Second, the grief doesn't go away, it only gets manageable. You will start to feel better and something so small can set you off again. Take time to grieve. There is no time or anything that tells you how to. Hold tight to each other. Maddie was given to you as a gift, and now she is back with her maker. You WILL see her again. As far as having more kids, when the time is right, you'll know. As Maddie was, I am sure you will give your next bundle of joy the same love and devotion. It is hard lossing a child to anything, but your heart and mind hold love and memories. I hope and pray that in time you will be able to forgive the babysitter, and stop all the what if's. As a parrent we always question ourselves, its human nature. Please make sure you are taking care of yourselves, and never forget the love you shared with Maddie. Your angel will always watch over you.
I just stumbled across your blog from BBC. Please know that I am praying for you as my heart breaks. I'm so sorry...
Im praying for that peace that passes understanding...
I do not know you, but have stumbled across your site and am so saddened to hear of your loss. I have a 2 year old and am a working (3rd grade teacher) mom. I just wanted you to know that I can't imagine the pain you are going through. My sister in Law and I are keeping up with your blog and have lifted your family's name up in Sunday school this morning. Your baby is beautiful and has obviously touched so many lives in her short life. I know she is your princess and now she is in HIS kingdom. :) What an amazing time she is having! I am praying for you and your husband.
Oh God bless you both. I am thinking of you and your family. I am so sad that you are having to go through this. God love you.
Just thought I would add while I thought of it was these baby grows that have become massive in UK http://www.babyglowshop.com/s/ not sure if you guys know about them in the US yet, but they send to the US. Monitoring babies temperature is so hard. I took blankets off my daughter, then put them on again, so hard to know. This changes colour if the baby is too warm Xxx
What-ifing is the hardest thing NOT to do. Try to stay away from it, it'll only make you feel worse. Easier said than done, I know.
I'm sure she went in her sleep, happy and comfy.
Keep strong, love. You can get through this
Love and prayers, Kendra
Gosh, you inspire me with your courage and strength.
We lost our first baby in the womb and it was to this day the most heartbroken I ever felt. One moment movement and a growing baby, then half my soul was taken when the doctor said the baby was gone. It was hard to go back to work with people looking at me and seeing other moms with their growing baby bellies, and I could not understand. I would cry, I still cry in my heart. My daughter Ocean was in the womb within 7 months, and 18 months later my son Diego. I will think of Maddie, what a beautiful Angel.
I have thought of you and your family every day since I heard about your story. My heart breaks for you and I hope that as time goes on, you will find peace. I am a strong believer that our loved ones stay around us. Some say it's silly, but I believe they show us that they're around. I feel my grandpa shows me he's around me through smell. When I am home alone, I will smell his aftershave or after cleaning the house, I will find a little toy laying on the floor in the middle of the path I have walked all day. As silly as it may sound to most, it brings me comfort and peace. And although you will never be ok with losing a child, I hope that through whatever you believe, you find your way to peace. Your family has forever touched my heart and I will continue to pray for you.
Today my 14, 12(who is a self proclaimed tomboy), 9yr and 20 month old baby wore a bow in their hair in honor and memory of your sweet angel. They have been asking me what I have been reading so I shared your story with them. They were all so excited to do it. My 4yr old son then made the comment that his Father in Heaven needed his special angel back. I took a picture in hopes that maybe you can stumble across it someday. May peace and comfort fill you soon!! Hugs!
The day we lost Ayden, I had brought his wedge with me. I was going to ask the babysitter to let him use it while he napped since he had just started rolling over (at only 4 months). I was terrified of him being laid down for a nap and him rolling over. I second guessed myself and didn't ask her to use it...knowing she wouldn't allow it in the crib. She, too, didn't have a monitor. That day, he rolled to his stomach, and he was gone. It was ruled as SIDS. But, I've always wondered. The what-ifs still roll through my every day. It's been 18 months, and I still wonder about what could have been. It's completely normal, but as you said...you can't dwell on the what-ifs.
When our 2nd son was born, we made sure we got the Angel Care monitor. I am staying home with him now, and we use that monitor in his pac'n play (he's 6 months old and still sleeps in our room...I'm just not ready for him to sleep alone yet), and it works so great. He's also on an apnea monitor that monitors his heart rate and breathing. SIDS siblings qualify for these monitors, so when/if you guys have another, please keep this in mind. SIDS siblings are allowed to use the monitor up to a year, and your insurance should cover it...or part of it.
Praying for you and thinking of you guys so often. Our stories are so, so similar....it boggles my mind. My heart breaks for you and breaks all over again for us whenever I think of you guys. It isn't fair....I'm so ready for Heaven to be my home.
First off I want to say I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Maddie is a beautiful little girl! I pray for you and your family everyday. I hope God heals your wounds and your soul quickly. I could not imagine the pain and heartache you are going through. I just wanted to share with you this... as I was sharing your story with my husband tonight my daughter (shes 2) was sitting here with me. I could not help but bend down and smell her hair one more time before putting her to bed...as I do this she turns to me and says "Mommy, that beautiful baby is in Jesus' arms, she's warm and get's to "snuggle bug" (our term for snuggling) with Jesus.. she's saved and Jesus loves her so much" I'm not sure if this will make you sad or if it helps you at all but I just thought I'd share this with you. I will continue to pray for you and your family. God Bless and rest easy knowing that Maddie is smiling down on you knowing that her mommy and daddy love her so much!
I have the angel care and I love it but it doesn't always work and in instances like yours if someone is watching your baby unless you take it to them and they know how to work it, it's not much help. You have to have a piece of wood under the mattress and if the baby moves to the top or bottom on the crib your monitor will go off all the time and alot of parents just stop using it.
I wrote you a few days ago, but I know there are so many people writing you that you're not getting to read everything but if you do get to read this please look into the SNUZA Halo baby monitor, you have to get it through Amazon. It is amazing. It clips onto the babys diaper and can be worn all the time. It registers movement and if no movment is felt after 15 seconds it will vibrate as a reminder to the baby to take a breath. If no movment is felt after 20 seconds an alarm will sound. You can also set it to tick everything the baby moves.
It is amazing, and like I said can be with your baby all the time.
When you are ready to have another baby I really feel like you'll love the Snuza because the little tick it makes ensures you that your baby is moving and I find it has helped me to sleep SO much better as long as I hear the tick.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I cry everytime I read your posts.
OH Sweetheart!!!! Don't please do not "what if" yourself!!!! It won't help you and will cause you much more grief!!! YOU HAVE ENOUGH GRIEF to deal wth!!! Maybe someday you will be able to speak with the Babysitter and then you will find peace!!! At least you will KNOW!!! instead of wonder. But you will know when the time is right for that. PLEASE PLEASE do not berate yourself for not knowing about the other kind of moniter...who knows if that would have helped? Maybe and what-if's are all hindsight, and we can't change the past....we can only grieve for it and most important learn from it. But we an prepare for the future which sounds like waht you are doing and that is good, I am glad you still have pieces of Maddie with you to help comfort you during this time. May you keep filling your empty arms with each other and wrap yourselves in the love and support everyone keeps sendng you so that you don't feel alone...ever!!! for there are many of us who put you in our thoughts everyday. and someday you will have joy in your home again and joy in your hearts again and even more joy when you start adding to your family.
Here from LFCA, and I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. SIDS is nobody's fault, so please don't feel guilty about anything or second-guess yourself. I'm sure that's easier said than done, but I wish you the best.
Hi! I know you dont know me but I am a friend of Mandi Katsilas. She told me that I needed to look you up and I now know why. I am so so so very sorry to hear about your sweet angel! I know a lot about what your family is going through. I lost my baby boy in May 2010 and he was only 6 mnths old. It has been ten months and I still dont know what happened to my baby boy! The situation is very simular He went for a nap and I found him in his crib not breathing. I know right now is gonna be a hard time and its gonna get harder before it gets easier but I wanted to let you know I am hear to talk if you need someone to relate to! I know I found things easier when I could talk to someone who understood what I was going through. I must say though Mandi got me through a lot of my rough spots and I still have them now. I just hope that I can help out in any way for you! This is the worse thing that could happen and I am praying for your family and mostly I am praying for you! You more then anyone needs the strength to get through the days that are to come! Im always here to talk!
Heather Girton
girtons.blogspot.com
I first learned of your blog from a facebook friend when she posted the link. I have spent so much time reading your posts and honestly don't even know what words I can say to ease your pain. I have two little ones, almost 2 and 4 years old and am expecting my 3rd in March. I have been lucky to be able to stay at home with them- honestly, we can't really afford it and struggle to make ends meet, but this was always my fear. I never felt like I could trust someone to watch my kids. I pray that you are able to stay at home when you are ready to have another little one as I know it would help put your mind at ease a little. I can not even begin to imagine the loss you and your husband has experienced and I am SO very sorry that you are having to go through this. Please know that there are so many out there (even those you don't know, like me) that are praying for you. May time and God help heal your broken hearts.
I also wanted to mention that I am a very new photographer myself. I have always had the passion and started teaching myself. I have not had very many sessions with cleints yet, but pray one day that my business blossoms and helps my family financially. Stick with your passion, learn all you can and practice! Photography is an amazing outlet and I KNOW it will help you find some passion in life again! God bless!!
I just read through all of your posts. It is so heartbreaking, going through such a hard thing. You are both such strong parents. I pray for you and your family. And I know that your daughter is in heaven, and that she is very very loved. I am so sorry for your loss. It's hard, too hard, but the Lord loves us. He loves you and your husband and your precious little daughter. She will always be your daughter, and one day you'll be able to be together as a family again
I am a wife or a 21 month old girl and a baby boy who is one day older than maddie. right now my husband is in training ( for the military) and im rasing the kids by myself. its so hard, and my daughter makes me want to pull my hair out, sometimes I forget to stop and think how grateful I am that I have my babies. You helped me do that by me reading your blog. Im so sorry for you loss. I will contuine to pray for you and your family. I have the angel care moniter the one that beeps if they stop moving/breathing. Just for the future if you use that one....When my daughter got old enough (7-9 months old) she rolled all the way to the other side of the crib, and the moniter started beeping. I freaked out and ran into her room. She was fine, the moniter couldnt read her from the other side of the crib....the instructions never mentioned that could happen.
Praying for yall!!
I just found your blog and read your heart breaking story. I'm not a Mum I'm one of 11 kids and love babies. i hope to someday, god willing have a family of my own , I can't imagine what you're both going through. But, I do know Jesus is with you. He will help you both get through this He loves you . Prayers for you.
~ Autumn
I do not know you, but a friend posted your blog on facebook. I read your whole journey. When I ready about Maddie and the days after, I just cried. My 6 year old daughter asked why I was crying. I told her my heart was hurting for a mommy and daddy who just lost their baby girl. Without missing a beat, she looked me in the eye and asked if we could pray for the mommy and daddy and for the baby. It warms my heart that my daughter is so caring and compassionate that her first instinct is to pray for a family she has never met. I am continuously praying for you and your family as well as holding my little ones a little closer with each hug(I have 3 kiddos. 6,4, and 3 One girl and two boys)Hang in there and allow God to guide you and hold you.
I am so sorry for your loss, i cant imagine. I have two boys my oldest one is 5 and i was so afraid of sids before he was born two couples i knew had lost there children right before i was due i did so much research on sids and all i ordered a special mattress cover from oversees and i found the angel care monitor i used both for him and i kept the angel care monitor on his bed until he was like 15 months old i was so parinoid. Now with my 19 month old i am reusing both the mattress cover and the angel care monitor and a video monitor. he has health issues so i still use them but i recommend them to any parent expecting a little one.
i keep thinking about you, Maddie and your husband since i find about you in a facebook note, and as i read this last post of yours and read about the monitors that you have and you want to buy when Maddie will have a little sister or brother... i think some more and i want to share with you my view!
When i was pregnant i read so much about SIDS that i was so scared when i had my baby that i barely slept since she is born...
like all the mums i believe!
i don't really like the monitor idea at least for night sleeping because my main fear is: what if the monitor goes off and i don't hear it???
for this reason the baby still sleeps with us for the majority of the time... even if scientists say that co-sleeping is dangerous for SIDS but i just couldn't help it!
for this reason the more times goes by the more i feel like that if and when we'll have another baby i want to try the bed-nest, i don't know if you ever heard of it but it seems to be a good solution for co-sleeping without risks.
http://www.bednest.com/
check it out!
Hope that helps!!!
continue to be as strong as you are... Maddie is proud of you!
Your daughter is beautiful, you have my prayers. I am so very sorry for your tragic loss.
Hi my name is rashelle and Ive been following your angels story. Your such a strong woman to share your journey. I have the angelcare monitor and have told every friend i know of to get it its an amazing relief my best friend lost her son to SIDS while i was pregnant with my daughter, i went on a crazy spree trying to figure out a way to not worry and i found angel care. you have my prayers and my daughter will always have her Maddie bow that we bought for her <3 <3 the young family
I am so sorry for you both. I am sitting here sobbing for you because you are experiencing my worst fear in life. I lost my sister when I was young and I fear losing one of my children. I often wonder how my parents survived, but they did and I know it was God holding them up. But I also know its okay to question God in this situation. It is so hard to understand. I will pray for you.
Don't blame yourself. Maddie knows you and your love. Families are forever, you'll see her again. My heart and prayers are so with you though you don't even know me.
Kate @ welcomedtempest.blogspot.com
I'm so sorry for your loss. :(
I have been in your shoes. When my first was just 5 months old, we lost him to SIDS. It was day 2 at this babysitter's home. I got the same phone call when I was at work. The babysitter did CPR and got his heart going...but it was too late. There was no brain activity due to oxygen depravation. The sitter later admitted that she put him on his tummy to sleep.
I now have 2 more beautiful children. I have not returned to work since the birth of number 2. The doctor gave us an apnea monitor with the 2 new babies. It us the only way I sleep at night. Please ask about one, when you have another child.
The pain lessens over time but never disappears. Please know I am praying for you. I put a giant bow on my daughter last wed in honor of your Maddie!!
Reach out to grief groups in your community. They are very helpful. You are now a member of the club, all be it a club nobody should ever gave to join.
I don't know you, but I am praying for you and all of your family. Know that you are not alone and your beautiful daughter is now an angel up in heaven.
My heart is hurting for you tonight. Wish there was something I could do to help ease your heartache....I will pray on my knees for you tonight.
I am so sorry for what you have been through... I am sure she is smiling down on you from heaven right now and she will keep a special place for you there.
I came over from Rebecca Cooper's blog and have spent the last hour reading your story through many, many tears. I'm so touched by it because I, too, have a daughter named Madison Paige.
Your Maddie is so beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss and the heartbreak you and your husband and families are going through right now. Please know you are in the hearts and prayers of so many.
I have been following your blog since I heard about your sweet Maddie going to heaven from a friend on The Bump. I pray for you both and Maddie everyday. I pray for your strength because I know going through a tragedy takes strength. I pray for your comfort, because it is hard to find. And I pray that you are able to forgive yourselves because you and your husband did nothing wrong. I know Maddie is watching over you both. I am so sorry that you have lost your baby girl. It is an unimaginable thing to have happened. I have no advice, just hugs and prayers from Florida.
I'm am so sorry for your immeasurable loss! No words.... just thought's and prayers!
(((hugs)))
LFCA
I just watched Maddi's Video...20 minutes later tears are still streamIng down my face!!! My heart is FULL OF NEW ANGUISH FOR YOU!!!!! It hurts to breathe!!! I thought I would be Ok watching it but I wasn't ready too...then I thInk of you guys and I don't know how you get up each day, and when I read that you do your strength simply AMAZES ME!!! words are failing me right now, but please know that Maddi will live on in my heart as well as yours. You both have amazing stengths of character and Madison was and is loved beyond words. Praying that you find peace in your hearts!!
feel free to contact me to even just to talk 530-521-9267 or email me at dvidal1018@yahoo.com (it's "1018" not "ll018")
I'm not sure how to even begin. My mom lost two babies herself; at 4 months to SIDS and 7 months to heart conditions. I can't even fathom what you're going through but I have an idea. Your daughter was and is an angel from Heaven; you were truly blessed with a beautiful daughter. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family. I would love to do a fundraiser for you, if you wish. If you would like me to, feel free to contact me. http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1162188145
Maddie will never be forgotten. Her life and story have touched many people and their lives. She lives on forever as a beautiful, sweet little girl.
I know you said you read every comment so I hope this one gets to you because it is from the heart. I feel like there was a reason you blogged throughout your pregnancy. You thought it was to record because you had a high stress pregnancy but God wanted something else for you. I went back to the beginning of your blog and you can feel the neverending love in each post. I also think there was a reason you took so many pictures of precious Maddie. You will cherish those pictures forever and will be glad to have them. My son is 2 weeks younger than Maddie and we almost lost him at birth. It was a scary and heartbreaking month but I still can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I pray for you each night Momma. <3
Oh my god. I am so sorry. Sending love and hugs your way, and I hope you find rest.
My heart Breaks for you, but it also breaks for your child care provider. I myself am a licensed child care provider. January 11th, 2011 one of my daycare princesses died during nap of SIDS. I went through days wondering what if? In the end GOD has given me peace knowing that there was nothing I could have done to change things. I know it hurts and being mad is natural. Please look at the big picture. God took Maddy at the baby sitters home so you and your husband would not have to endure the pain of finding her. You were able to kiss her good bye. Our situations are very similar. The parent of the little girl we lost was also a teacher. The differences in the story is the relationship I now have with her parents. It is a very loving relationship. It is a relationship that this beautiful child created. I don't know the specifics and how long the sitter cared for her, but Please remember you trusted her with your child. You are a mother, you would have never left her in danger. Your beautiful daughter spent 8 hours a day with that woman, she was a part of your daughter's life. I pray that GOD gives you the peace you need to open your heart to her. I was lucky enough to have the most amazing daycare parents. My husband and I were able to carry our princess to her final resting place. This meant the world to us. We loved her very much. I am praying the days get easier. You have alot of people praying for you. We have an amazing GOD, and I am sure his plan for you will be wonderful.
I am so sorry for what happened to your family. You're right, it's not fair.
I have two little boys, but I tried to put a bow in their hair for Maddie. Her pictures are beautiful, thank you for sharing her with all of us.
When God calls little children to dwell with Him above
We mortals sometime question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with, the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world, seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold.
So He picks a rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Goodbye"
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children
"Angels are hard to find".
I'm SO very sorry for your loss! I can't imagine what you and your husband must be going through. I have feared SIDS stronger then any fear with my daughter since she came home. My prayers of comfort and healing are with you and your husband! God never gives us more then we can handle so with that faith I pray you do find the absolute cause as quickly as possible.
Here from LFCA to say how sorry I am for the loss of your sweet daughter. I'm so so so sorry. I will be praying for you and your husband. Words cannot do this justice, but again, I'm so very sorry. xx
I am so, so profoundly sorry for your loss of your beautiful Maddie. My heart is simply wrenched for your family. Sending love...
I just discovered your blog through Simple as That. After reading some of your posts, I immediately began praying for you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart bleeds for you and your husband. Please know that you have many thoughts and prayers coming your way through this difficult time.
I came upon your blog from Melissa's at Stafford stories.
I hope this blog can you give you strength. my heart hurts for you!
know that people all over the world are praying for you!
take care Laura
Visiting from LFCA and just wanted to offer up my sincere condolences....thinking of you and your family during this very painful time.
Again I'm soo sorry for your loss! Your story really scares the crap out of me! I'm 26 weeks along with our first daughter and never really worried about SIDS until now. I'm scared and the worst part about SIDS is there is nothing you can really do to make sure it doesnt happen. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you deal with the loss of your daughter.
The video on your blog is beautiful and you can see how loved that gorgeous girl was and still is. Hugs
Kellie- Thanks for sharing such a wonderful slide show! You guys took some amazing pictures that you will cherish forever! You guys have a beautiful angel looking down on y'all from heaven!
Praying for you, your sweet angel, Maddie & your family! God Bless!
I had found your blog when my sis in law posted in on face book right after you lost your daughter. I am so very sorry for your loss. You are right now parent should ever have to go through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. you story sounds so much similar to my other brother and sis n law's story. They had a little girl named Cadia Rose. She was 3 days short of 4 months when she passed away at the babysitters. The babysitter was well known and had high recommendations and had been doing childcare for many years. They got the call at work and got to the hospital and Cadia had already passed away. When they did a autopsy they didn't find anything so they ruled it as SIDS. 2 years later they had another little girl and right after she was born she ended up with a heart condition and they had to do surgery. She is now 4 and a happy thriving little girl. They then got pregnant in 2008 and lost their son at 5 weeks, went to find out what they were having and there was no heartbeat. After doing research all the babies had heart defects which was heredity. My sis in law is pregnant now and due in May. Her pregnancy has been going great but she goes to a high risk doctor. I just thought your story sounded so much like theirs. I pray that God will give you peace and comfort. One way to help us remember Cadia is that we send a balloon up when we go to red robin. We say a prayer and give it a kiss and send it so she can enjoy it in heaven. My daughter who was only 5 at the time started this. It's a great way to remember the special little girl that we lost . God bless
Kelly Gibson
I dont know the right words to say, i have read all the post and i cried reading every one of them. You and your husband are beautiful couple, and u will make it through this. You have so many people praying for you and I hope with all the support and love everyone is sending your way it makes it just a little bit easier...I really am sorry for your loss.
i am very sorry for your loss and cry for you daily. i cant begin to imagine what your going through. i tell people of your story and am continueslyamazed at you and your husbands strength. it is so obvious he is head over heels for u as well as maddie. i hope that one day my daughter ashlyn and i will be as lucky. maddie was loved by many while she was alive and is loved by thousands from acrossed the country after her premature death. if your story saves one parent from having to make the decisions you had to maddie will not have died in vain. i hope you will take comfort in knowing that right now maddie and her future siblings are playing on the lap of Jesus. sending encouraging thoughts and prayers your way daily from a small town in kansas...God bless
Here from LFCA...I cannot imagine what you are going through. So, so sorry for your incredible loss.
I found your story on another blog and followed it here. Now I'm bawling like a fool. I am praying for your peace as you recover from this trial and happiness in your life ahead. Thank you for sharing your story, it has helped me to cherish even more the time I have with my son.
I cant get over how I feel like I am writing this blog. You Have to be brave & talk to the babysitter. I went through the same thing. I questioned what happened. You cant blame her, you must ask her it will help you more then you know. It helped me & she is going through saddness as well. Me & the baby sitter still talk to this day. I knew her though. I understand how u can be questioning so much. You are being so strong. My daughter Makayl pased away from Sids. It was almost the same exact describtion u gave. Its been 5 1/2 yrs. Ive been thinking about u & your husbands strength & understanding of the situation. Never be to ashamed to ask any questions. I was about everything. SIDS is still so confusing to me 7 nothing can prevent it but its at least a litte explinaton. Maddie will always help u through things. Stay strong.
I know whatever words I say won't make it better. Your loss is truely one no mother should have to go through. Our sweet Aripsimae does the same thing with her swaddle, she loves it to pieces but always breaks free of it. She'll be moving from her moses basket tonight to her comfy crib where we have the angel care monitor (it worked fabulous for our first. I highly recommended it, love. The only time we got false alarms is when he could roll off it) I'm so sorry about your precious Maddie, but your story has given awareness to everyone and can hopefully prevent other little ones from the same thing happening to them.
WOW I just read through all the comments on this post. There are some great people out there who love and care for you.
SO inspiring!
I had never seen/heard about that monitor either.
Kellie, I have started to follow your blog after a good friend of my posted it on her facebook asking for prayers. I have prayed for you and your husband, along with your family for your loss. I pray that you will have answers to what happened soon and that will bring you peace of mind.
Again I am sorry for your loss and I continue praying for you and your family during this hard time.
Hello. I have been following your blog for a few days now and just didnt know what to say. There are no words really. I too had a baby that passed away from SIDS (almost 5 years ago) and felt all the things you write about. Some friends didn't know what to say, some knew just what to say and there were days where nothing could comfort me. My angels 5th birthday is in 2 weeks and there are still days where a song can make me cry. My husband and I were blessed again with a son 13 months ago. If and when you decide to have another baby, you can ask your doctor for a monitor they can send you home with. If your sweet girl did pass away from SIDS there will be a lot of unanswered questions, not knowing ever why this happened to her on that day. My grandfather sent me an angel ornament that read "I held you in my arms for a little while, but you're in my heart forever."
Please talk to your babysitter. I'm sure she is hurting almost as badly as you are. I have had an in-home day care for many years and my biggest nightmare was that I would someday walk into the room of a sleeping baby and find it not breathing. Thankfully this never happened to me, I don't think I could have continued baby sitting if it had. If at all possible I had my newborns to sleep in the same room where the toddlers were playing and I was present, then used a monitor as they grew older.
I am so sorry for your loss. God bless you during this most difficult time of your like
I am so so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful daughter. My thoughts and prayers are with you & your husband and your whole family.
Just found you via LFCA and wanted to say I'm so so sorry. Maddie is just beautiful. Sending huge love.
I am here via LFCA. I am so sorry for your inconprehensible loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
My husband and I continue to pray for you and our thoughts are with you even if we do not know you.
I am so thankful for this post you did today. I have been thinking about start a in-home daycare myself and after readying about you and your families lost last week it made me question so many things, after reading this post I went and priced the monitors and will be getting one if and when I ever open a in-home daycare.
You are so right no one should ever have to do what you and your husband are having to do.
I just discovered your blog last week. I have a little boy born October 7/ 2010, so I can only imagine what you and your husband are going through. Be strong and know that each day, I think of your family and hope that you're all staying strong. Much sympathy to you.
Here is the link to "The Elephant in the Room" http://www2.bartow.k12.ga.us/psych/crisis/elephant.htm
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over.... it became a buttefly."
Your Maddie is a butterfly now in heaven. I do not know you or your husband, but I think of you often and pray for your healing daily.
Kellie please don't second guess yourself. You are a wonderful mother and she was blessed to have you and James as parents. I am praying for you every day and asking God to bring you comfort and peace. God bless you both.
Laura Stewart
Kellie please don't second guess yourself. You are a wonderful mother and Madison was so blessed to be loved by you and James. I am praying for you every day that God will bring you comfort and peace. God bless you both.
Laura Stewart
Many prayers to you and your family.
Another stranger popping in to tell you that I am praying for you and for peace in your heart. No one really knows what you are going thru unless they have walked thru that fire like you have done. My words, words from a total stranger, just won't help. But I want you to know how much your story has affected me. I cried thru it and now I really try to cherish each day I have with the people in my life. You just don't know when they will be ripped from your arms, like Maddie was to you. I've been hugging my husband a little tighter, and talking to my grown son a little more, and reaching out to my sisters more often. Maddie is changing the world - isn't that amazing? I think it is a miracle.
Sending prayers from a stranger in Baltimore, MD
A friend posted your blog on FB and i cried when i read every post- i can not imagine what you are going through- but she is a adorable angel.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband and Maddie!! XOXOXO
-Tonya
I am so so sorry for your loss. I know there are no words that can seem to be fitting enough for what you are going through, but I wanted to let you know you are in so many thoughts and prayers. You're little girl is beautiful.
There are no words to say, except I wish you love and light. Blessings
I am very sorry for your loss
your in our thoughts and prayers daily, my husband and i are deeply sorry for your loss.
Hint for you from experience. I put a couple of things from my son James who died many years ago in a ziplock bag to protect them. As time went on there were less & less things I had with his smell on them - I still have the couple of items in those bags. On our "anniversary" dates I sometimes want to smell that baby smell again as a reminder of him as you sleeping with the blanket for that. It's been nearly 14 years & a bit of his smell is still there for me :) I've had to replace the ziplocks a couple of times but works great. I have made a wonderful new "different" like yet he will always be with me so I enjoy having that little part of him along with the pics :) Hang in there - you've made it through another milestone - the first week. Like my toddlers first 16 months I then counted the days/weeks/months/year after his death - so sad yet it helped me realize as I made it through each one a strength I didn't know I had. If YOU both want another child - don't listen to anything anyone else says about it re timing & all. I was older so was on a biological clock thing - so started trying a few months after his death. I didn't end up having another baby but adopted two beautiful daughters from the foster system. Even with my wonderful life now I will always wish things could have been different re my sweet baby James............and he is a part of our lives, including my adopted girls who know him as a brother even though they never knew him :)
I found your blog on facebook a week ago and been reading your blogs. I pray for peace for you and your husband. Loosing a child is the hardest thing a person will ever have to loose besides your spouse. I had a stillborn at 40 weeks so I know some of your grief. Just please know that God is with you and he there is a reason for everything. He is amazing babysitter :) It's so weird how other people loosing children helps others. When you loose a child sometimes you feel like you are the only one. I am praying for you.
I pray God will help to heal your broken heart. I also wanted to make mention a friend lost her 13wk old son a year ago in a very similar manner (at babysitters, she had just gone back to work 2 days before), and while they said SIDS, turned out to be myocarditis which is a virus of the heart. I developed heart failure when I was preggo and the drs believe it was myocarditis (that I had strep and it went to my heart). Doing a biopsy of the heart, I believe, is the only way to determine that. There was nothing they could have done and it gave her a little bit of peace to know angel William just didn't wake up that day.
I purchased the Angel Care Monitor from my laptop when I was in labor. I had heard about it & couldn't take my baby home without having one. I LOVE IT. It HAS gone off before & we've gone in & had to check on the baby. Sometimes they do forget to breathe & this monitor is such a relief. I would definitely invest in one for future baby(s). God Bless You ALL!
Ugh, this just made me cry. I'm so very sorry for you loss. You can't question things though. It will drive you CRAZY! We lost our 1st daughter at 4 months old. She had a heart defect. Our 2nd daughter we lost at 32 weeks pregnant. She was stillborn and there was no reason according to the autopsy. We were finally blessed with a son to bring home in June 2010. My thoughts and prayers are woth you and your family.
I came across your blog through mutual friends, and can not imagine what you are going through...we have a 4 month old son and I am sitting here with tears in my eyes over your loss. I will be praying for you and your family, and she sounds like she had the most wonderful 4 months with you and your husband. Stay strong...
I know you want to blame someone or know the reasons why but I hope you can find peace in spite of the uncertainty.
I am deeply, deeply sorry for our pain and loss.
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