They shouldnt make caskets that small..

Yesterday (Friday) was the hardest day of all. My husband and I got out of bed and didn't know what to do. We looked at each other and started crying. We did something I knew had to be done but I did not want to do it...put all her stuff away. One by one we put her swing, pack n play, bouncer, bottles, diapers, car seats, paci's and everything we found into her room or the guest room and shut the door. That was so hard. I sat in her room before I shut the door and bawled. I want to see her stuff, I do NOT want it to be gone but I cant see it right now. I am still too broken. Time heals all wounds right? When I am ready(if I ever am) I will go through all her stuff. I just cant now.

After that James and I cleaned our house ,we had to stay busy. Our house look like a different place. It isnt fair... I want to smell poopy diapers, and smell her soy formula.I want all of her stuff back. I want my house to be a mess because I do not have time to clean it. I want all of this back!!! I think the hardest thing about all of this is that Maddie was such a healthy girl. In 4 months she was never sick. She was so happy. She loved to laugh and smile. This was just so sudden, it leave everyone asking God, "WHY???". I don't understand and I probably never will.

The 2nd part of our day was the hardest. Our families came over and we went to the funeral home. Before we left I had the hardest job to do, pick out her outfit to be buried in. How am I supposed to do that? Half of her closet are clothes she will never get to wear! I was angry. I kept saying I cant do this!!!!! But, I did. I picked her 4 month outfit with a cute little bow. I also picked her favorite toy (which sings). I accidentally hit the button, it started singing and I lost it. This isnt happening. She is supposed to be playing with her "happy bear" right now!!!!!!! Luckily my dad took the batteries out of it. She is also going to wear the most special bracelet her G.G (great grandmother) gave her. We were going Monday to her 4 month check-up and we were going to get her ears pierced. She would look so cute with pierced ears and her Princess dress.

Soon after we headed to the funeral home. James and I debated on letting our parents make all the arrangements, but we decided on going (and as hard as it was I am glad we went). We had to help put her to rest. We are her parents. We did things parents should not have to do for a baby. We shouldn't have to pick out a place for her to lay. They shouldn't not make caskets this small!!! But, somehow we did it. There were many many tears shed. I searched and searched for a "bed" that doesn't look like a "casket". Its a pinkish purple pretty "bed" with the words "Princess" in the lid. I think she would like it.
The funeral home was so sweet to our families. We never got to see Maddie at the hospital. They said when they get her they will call us and we will be able to come and hold her and say our goodbyes before the funeral. I am truly grateful for this. Its going to be very hard but I think I need some sort of closure.

Today we are going to have another hard day. James and my brother have to go buy a suite and my mom and I have to buy buy a dress for the funeral. Its going to be hard. We shouldn't be doing this.

Thanks everyone for all of your kind thoughts and prayers. We can feel all the love around us. This is what we need right now love and prayers. So, please keep praying.